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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really let down by dd.

327 replies

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:18

I am coming to the end of my studies and will graduate with a PhD this summer. The graduation dates have just been released and dd has told me she can't make it. She can't make it because her dad is taking her to a music festival that weekend. The ceremony is on the Monday and the festival ends on the sunday night. My partner offered to go and collect her on the sunday night (a 200 mile round trip, her dad doesn't drive) but she refused saying that there are good parties through the night on the sunday or something which she doesn't want to miss. I won't admit it to her, but I am really hurt.

OP posts:

HeadyEddie · 14/02/2012 13:58

I refused to go to a Masters grad of one of my parents when I was 16, in the end they made me go. I hated it, I was missing something that was a once in a lifetime opportunity that I will never have the chance to do again.
I really resented having to go and it was deathly boring.

At the time I really didn't understand why it was a big deal for them that I should go. Of course, now as a grown up I understand what an achievement it was, but at the time I couldn't really have cared less.

I'd try not to take it personally, she probably just doesn't get why it means so much, but in years to come she will.

PoohBearsHole · 14/02/2012 13:58

TBH, I think the father issue is huge here and has to be taken into account, he is a knob quite obviously from the comments he has made, but he is probably going to be belittling this achievement to your dd. If your dp was her father there would be no issue of the festival and I think the compromise of picking her up on Sunday night would have been more than fair.

(I am in no way being critical of your relationship btw but I can see this battle could end up being far worse, that being said I still see no reason why she should have it all her way - she wouldn't have to compromise that much by coming home on Sunday)

mrsjay · 14/02/2012 13:59

I have just read she is 17 shes just being self absorbed and would much rather do the fun thing which is sad imo ,

Flatbread · 14/02/2012 13:59

I have a PhD and I didn't go to my graduation ceremony. I regret not having gone, to be honest. I think the important milestones in life should be celebrated, and this is a major one.

As other posters have said, let your dd know what a big event this is for you and that you would feel let down if she didn't join you in celebrating this achievement.

CakeMixture · 14/02/2012 14:01

MissSayuri - FWIW I dont think Quicklookbusy did address you as "dear"
She said "Oh dear MissSayuri"
I think what she meant to say was "Oh dear, MissSayuri" - absent comma confusion!!!

PoohBearsHole · 14/02/2012 14:01

heady's post shows why she may well feel regret in the future, not because she wasn't at the ceremony but because she will suddenly realise why it was so important to the op. But this regret may only happen when she is in the same/similar situation.

On the plus side, when she is 37 and you are 57 you will still be young enough to tell her what for!

DodieSmith · 14/02/2012 14:02

She will only regret it in years to come if you make sure she does. I think YANBU to be hurt. But YABU to insist she goes, or act up about it.

Flatbread · 14/02/2012 14:03

Sorry, x posted with OP. Well, if your dd knows the score and doesn't want to come, well what can you do. You are definitely not BU for feeling let down.

Pandemoniaa · 14/02/2012 14:05

YANBU in wanting your daughter there when you graduate. YABU in making her attend by means of emotional blackmail.

So I think you need to sit down and tell her just how much you'd love her to be at your graduation because it is so important and you'd like her to share this special day with you. If she'd still prefer to be at the festival then you've done your best and you need to leave the whole subject of her attendance alone.

Chateauneuf · 14/02/2012 14:05

"Just to be clear, I never told her it didn't matter if she didn't come." - earlier you said "when I told her the dates she did bite her lip and seem a bit sheepish but I just said never mind". To me, "never mind" means "it doesn't matter". Perhaps it does to your dd too?

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 14:09

I suppose I said 'never mind' because I didn't want her to feel upset. I think you do that as a parent, take on the bad feeling so they don't have to. I suppose I will need to sit down with her and be honest about how her not being there is making me feel. I am worried about that being 'emotional blackmail' though a pandemoniaa pointed out. I really don't want it to be like that.

OP posts:

cashmere · 14/02/2012 14:12

I think you are being really dramatic. I'm sure your daughter doesn't go to many festivals and they will be a big deal at her stage of life. I'm sure there will be much planning ahead of the festival and discussion about it after. I can see why she doesn't want to leave early to sit in an event hall and watch people trudge across the stage.

It doesn't mean she's not proud of you. Go with friends and other family and then have a celebratory meal with dd.

Fwiw my Dad (now a professor) didn't even bother going to his phd graduation because they are dull events (for a lot of people).

mrsjay · 14/02/2012 14:12

I think we all say never mind or its ok so we dont upset them but its ok for the to realise they have hurt our feelings sometimes, they wont learn to appreciate other people have feelings , although its an uphill struggle with teenagers sometimes ,

TimothyClaypoleLover · 14/02/2012 14:15

My graduation ceremony was so boring and far too long. My parents and siblings came and siblings were bored to tears. I then had to attend their graduation ceremonies and realised that unless you are the one graduating it really isn't that important. The actual obtaining of a phd/degree is far more important than the pompous ceremony.

OP, I understand you are feeling hurt but in your daughter's position I would rather be at a festival. Can you not have a party/celebration to include your daughter at another time?

Congratulations on your phd though!

2rebecca · 14/02/2012 14:19

But to a large extent we choose ourselves whether to have hurt feelings or not. Having hurt feelings because someone doesn't behave in the way you'd like isn't an automatic reaction. This event isn't about the daughter at all, the mum just wants her there to clap. I think if the daughter chose to come and clap that is fine, but I'm not sure how resentfully dragging her along by having little chats making it obvious you will choose to be upset if she doesn't go will make it a good experience for either of you.
She is old enough to choose whether or not to go, the OP can choose whether or not to get upset if she doesn't go.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2012 14:21

The ceremony is nice but not really what it's all about, in my opinion. It matters to you, OP, nobody else. Your family will obviously be proud of you for the achievement but the ceremony is for you and only you.

I went to one of mine for my mum and found it deathly boring, I went to my mum's and found that boring too. It's a duty event for family if even graduates are saying the same. Why would you want somebody to go who doesn't want to but would feel compelled? Presumably your partner will go/wants to go?

Can you get the dvd? You can fast forward that to your bit, I bet your DD will be interested in that.

I wouldn't make a big thing of this; your DD isn't being selfish or unreasonable, neither are you, but she doesn't want to go - leave it at that and attend yourself - or don't - with a good grace.

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 14:22

I don't just want her there to clap. That is preposterous. Why do we want family and friends at any of our life events?

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 14/02/2012 14:23

I always think that the problem with "never mind" as an option when you do mind very much, tends to result in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Only people (especially family) take that as evidence that you aren't worried either way. So they blissfully carry on "never minding".

It may be harder, and out of character, to take a more definite stance but it can be very much better for everyone. And I say this as someone who had been far too easy-going over certain issues and came to the sudden realisation that if I wasn't being upfront and honest about my feelings, it was unreasonable to expect people to read my mind.

teatimesthree · 14/02/2012 14:24

Please don't sit down with her and ask her to come. I completely understand why you want her to be there, but you can't make her.

Many congratulations on your PhD - I know how much work they are. But you did this for you, not your daughter. Have a lovely graduation day with other family and friends, and then do something with your DD to celebrate that you will both enjoy.

mrsjay · 14/02/2012 14:26

to say the OP wants her dd there to clap is insulting , when you are in a familiy its not ok to hurt each others feelings and be selfish imo

DamonSalvatoreIsMyLoveSlave · 14/02/2012 14:27

YANBU and I dont think you have come across rude on this thread. I can totally understand this and would be hurt too.

But you really must try not to take it personally though. At 16 I was still pretty self-absorbed and immature (not that I'm saying your dd is immature-just that a lot are at that age!). I don't think I would have understood what a big deal this type of thing would have been to someone.

Also sometimes other people, whatever their age, don't really get how certain things are a big deal to someone else. I ran london marathon a few years ago and not one person came to watch/cheer me on (my dh was running too, albeit a lot faster! So he couldn't) and I was so gutted. I just think that a lot of people didn't realise what a big achievement I considered it to be (I'll never do it again and it was on my bucket list!). But hey-ho, no point taking it personally.

Also, I totally get not wanting to actually say what a big deal it is to you, as illogical as that may seem. Sometimes I think you just want someone to be there for you because they care and they want to. Not because you feel like you have had to make them feel bad about not going and emotionally blackmailed them in to it!

Flatbread · 14/02/2012 14:31

The thing is, you can go out and have a meal or a spa to celebrate anything really, a Valentine day, a promotion, a birthday. There is no distinct way to celebrate these things.

But there is a very special and unique way to mark an academic achievement. I.e., Going to a graduation ceremony.

I would say that either she joins you in the ceremony or she just doesn't get to celebrate with you. Taking her out for a meal is not really special for you... if she were to take you out, that would be a bit better

DamonSalvatoreIsMyLoveSlave · 14/02/2012 14:33

And to those saying how boring it would be. It's not really about that is it - it's just showing a little support for someone you love and, yes, sitting through a boring ceremony. You do it for that person not for the fun and laughs of the day.

The amount of deathly boring races I have stood on the side lines for cheering my dh (for the 2 seconds I actually see him in the hour I've been standing there!) sometimes in the snow and rain and freezing cold. It's not fun and it is boring but I'm there to support him (and I have to pretend that I don't actually mind standing there so he doesn't feel bad too!). I don't go for the "fun" of the race

JerichoStarQuilt · 14/02/2012 14:34

Goodness, if you're not allowed to be smug when you've just finished a degree, when are you?! Especially if you have a belittling nasty ex runnign you down.

Congratulations!

I think it's tricky - at 16, your DD might be feeling quite a lot of pressure, especially with her Highers, and maybe she feels a bit as if she's got a long way to go to match up to you? I just wonder because probably most of her friends' parents are concentrating on university for their children - it might be a little difficult to separate the pride I'm sure she feels for you from feeling a bit overshadowed?

TBH, I think you could afford to say more strongly that it is really important to you. But if she won't come, could you book a meal at a restaurant and have a celebration there?

JerichoStarQuilt · 14/02/2012 14:35

Oh, sorry, ignore the last bit, I see I missed that had already been mentioned!

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