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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really let down by dd.

327 replies

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:18

I am coming to the end of my studies and will graduate with a PhD this summer. The graduation dates have just been released and dd has told me she can't make it. She can't make it because her dad is taking her to a music festival that weekend. The ceremony is on the Monday and the festival ends on the sunday night. My partner offered to go and collect her on the sunday night (a 200 mile round trip, her dad doesn't drive) but she refused saying that there are good parties through the night on the sunday or something which she doesn't want to miss. I won't admit it to her, but I am really hurt.

OP posts:

TobyLeWolef · 14/02/2012 14:37

YABU. Please don't try to make her feel guilty for this.

mrsjay · 14/02/2012 14:38

Its not about making her feel guilty though the OP wouldnt want that for her DD . Its about the daughter realising that this is important to her mum IMO anyway thats how i read it ,

AnaisB · 14/02/2012 14:42

YABU (although admittedly I'm in the minority on this). Who wouldn't rather be at a music festival than a graduation ceremony? (Not BU to feel hurt by the way.) I'm aware this will make it look like I've massively missed the point, but can't you go out for a meal with her later in the week instead?

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 14/02/2012 14:43

I didn't even go to my graduation ceremonies (degree and Masters) let alone drag my family to them . I did hire the robes and get a photo taken because my mam wanted one, and she paid basically, otherwise I wouldn't even have done that - I wouldn't have gone anywhere near campus that day.
Obviously this is a big deal to you, but I just don't see why you're so upset about your daughter. Is it because she's with her dad and, deep down, you resent that she wants to be with him not you?

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 14/02/2012 14:44

Perhaps should have said, I was a matures student with 3 and then 4 DCs at the time of the graduations.

Dancergirl · 14/02/2012 14:54

anaisb, yes you have completely missed the point! There's no question that she'd rather be at the festival but sometimes you make sacrifices for loved ones, teenagers or not. How will this girl learn to support the people she loves if she's not told or shown?

ohmygosh123 · 14/02/2012 14:56

Not read all the threads - but I went to my husband's. It was like watching paint dry and I was proud of him, so I smiled sweetly through it standing round like a spare part, and eventually talking to other students parents who were not much older than me! I declined to take our daughter and was glad I said no.

Hilariously badly organised, 45 mins of nauseating crap about the wonders of a 2nd rate uni which apparently was a world beater ......... standing around for ages and ages. Ugh - sorry if that offends you - but I would have far rather done something together. I was bored during my own one too though and that had lots of comedy traditional moments, organised like clockwork (according to my parents) and a good party afterwards courtesy of my college.

However the effort is to be applauded - and I felt I did my bit supporting him through 3 years as a mature student, when quite frankly he was unbearable most of the time. Maybe your DD was supportive at the time, and maybe it is good for her to have time with her Dad, and maybe it would be nice to do something together to celebrate it.

And compared to a wedding ....... YABU ........ a wedding is about two of you and a life together. A ceremony is rubber stamping / celebrating what you have achieved. Am completely lost on that one.

TobyLeWolef · 14/02/2012 14:57

Perhaps it's the OP who has missed the point?

All I know is that my mum would never question my decision to go to a music festival rather than her graduation, especially seeing as the festival seems to have been booked/planned for a while.

ajandjjmum · 14/02/2012 14:58

PomBear
Interesting that you said 'let alone drag my family to them', whereas I would assume that if your Mum persuaded you to hire the robes and do the photo, she would have been thrilled to attend. Maybe it would have been nice for your Mum if you'd thought of the pleasure she'd have gained from going to your graduation.

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 14:58

No, no resentment that she's with her dad. That's not an issue, although maybe I'm worried of pushing the issue in case it's misconstrued in the same way that you've interpreted it. Time with her dad has never been an issue, I'm grateful they have a good relationship. Well done on your degrees, and yes it's a personal choice to go to the ceremony or not, but as you say, you got the photo taken to please your mum. We all do stuff we might find boring or pointless if a member of our family would enjoy it, no? It's a big thing for me and I'd like to share it with my family, of which she is the most important member.

OP posts:

crystalglasses · 14/02/2012 15:01

fbnomore - I had a little cry when I read your post. You are so right. It's a celebration of hard work and support from all the familly.

mumeeee · 14/02/2012 15:04

YABU. It's your graduation and like others have said a lot of people don't even go to their own PHD graduations. DH and I went to both DD1's graduations the 2nd one was her PGSE one and she didn't expect her sisters to go they were 18 and 20 at the time. A lot of her friends didn't go to
their own graduations. I'm sure your DD is proud of you.

Dancergirl · 14/02/2012 15:04

But she's not going to miss the whole festival, she'll be there for most of it! I a truly amazed by some of these comments. If you're happy to have a teenage daughter who is not happy to compromise then so be it but I wouldn't be!

You can still be a teenager and be part of the teenage culture without being utterly selfish. Teenagers should know that the world doesn't resolve round them and that other people matter too.

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2012 15:08

It's the parties that she doesn't want to miss

And I expect she's not keen on travelling 100 miles having just left a weekend festival.

Original poster

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 15:10

I should point out my dd is not what I would call selfish, and maybe I have been more taken aback as I genuinely thought she waould make the effort to come. I really don't want her to miss the festival and would not suggest that. I'm trying to find a happy medium without being Mum-zilla.

OP posts:

40andproud · 14/02/2012 15:11

I understand that you feel let down, I think I would too in your position. You clearly love your daughter very much and if it were her graduation, you would go without question. I think it is worth trying to say to her that you really want her to come but you don't want her to miss her festival which was why you had come up with the compromise idea and hope that she sees where you are coming from. Don't feel guilty for asking, it is always hard dealing with teenagers but give her some time to think about it and she might well surprise you with a change of heart. Good luck .

dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2012 15:12

YABU. This thread actually makes me angry.

I'm about to finish my PhD and I'm not going to the ceremony. Why exactly is the ceremony so important to you? You seem to assume that of course it is but clearly it's not for everybody. You should be proud of what you've done but you don't need to walk across the stage to be proud or to celebrate. Have a big family party the following weekend, that will be more fun anyway.

If you go back to your DD now and tell her how hurt you are, etc., then yes I think that's emotional blackmail. She has made her choice, now please get a grip and try not to be so upset about it.

And as for saying a PhD is more impressive than a marriage -- wow, are you for real? Do you seriously not know how many idiots out there have PhDs?

I am proud of what I've done but I don't think it's that impressive, not to the extent that I expect other people to celebrate my achievement or whatever. It's not like I've won the Nobel Prize or something.

So please, be proud of yourself, have a great time at the ceremony, and find some other way to celebrate with your DD, maybe something just the two of you since you feel like she was such a big part of it.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 14/02/2012 15:12

OP, the trouble is that you have already said "nevermind" to DD implying that it isn't a big deal that she doesn't go to your graduation. Its very unfair of you (and other posters) to assume she is being selfish when she probably thinks her own mum is not that bothered about her going. You should have explained how important it was to you at the time of asking. Teenagers are wrapped up in their own worlds and your DD has probably been looking forward to this festival for some time now. Its not as though she has booked up the festival after she was aware of your graduation. Its just bad luck that they are on at the same time.

EightiesChick · 14/02/2012 15:12

A lot of people DO go to their PhD graduations, though. A few people saying 'I didn't' on here is not necessarily representative. As I said, my experience has been different.

I think graduation ceremonies are getting a bit of a bashing here (see ohmygosh123 and other posts). Yes, of course they're long: they are accommodating a lot of people in one go. Every graduate can't have their own graduation ceremony, and, contrary to the sentiments expressed in some posts about 'wouldn't have gone anywhere near the campus that day' by the too-cool-for-school types, many people are pleased to have a day to celebrate not only their final achievement but the years they've spent pursuing it, and to do so with their family there, and also their friends from the course.

crystalglasses · 14/02/2012 15:16

Congratulations on your PhD MissSayuri. It is a phenomenal achievement and it's a shame your daughter won't be at the ceremony. I think she will probably be sad about it once she's older and realises what a tremendous achievement it is and how it deserves to be celebrated at a the ceremony. Meanwhile, make the most of it, enjoy the moment, get your photos taken and buy the video. It's YOUR day and it won't come round again.

dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2012 15:17

But you can celebrate with your family any way you like. You don't have to go to the ceremony, which I'm sorry IS boring.

I would sit through something boring if my family asked me. But I myself would feel really bad asking my family to sit through something boring just for me. I would rather find a more fun way to celebrate.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2012 15:19

There is no 'happy medium', OP. Your daughter doesn't want to go. I'm sure she would though if you press hard enough but she doesnt want to. You want her to want to go - you're not going to get that.

You will be cramping her style terribly. Think back to when you've had a lovely event that you badly wanted to go to, only to find that it's been curtailed by an event you don't want to go to and are not looking forward to. That's what your 'happy medium' is going to achieve and you will spoil your daugther's much wanted event at he same time. Is it really worth it?

If you carry on, you're in danger of spoiling the event for yourself and that would be a shame as it clearly is so important to you. Go with your partner and enjoy your day. Have a graduation treat with yourself and your DD only at a later date, I'm sure she'd be very happy - and grateful to you for understanding.

Lueji · 14/02/2012 15:36

Now, PhD wise, the "graduation day" is a minor day compared to the viva day. Lots of people miss it.
Nothing like a wedding day.

I wouldn't mind someone missing the diploma handing ceremony, but would be more upset if an important person missed the party after the viva.
I'd have people round for dinner that day.

And I already have a PhD, so I know what I'm talking about. :o

dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2012 15:41

I agree Lueji.

I'm already planning my viva party

Dancergirl · 14/02/2012 15:42

dreamingbohemium your post made ME angry. The op shouldnt have to justify why the ceremony is important to her, it just is. The ceremony may not be important to you or many others on this thread and that's fair enough for them, but it does mean a lot to the op.

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