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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

388 replies

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 15:55

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

OP posts:
Lizcat · 07/10/2011 15:57

Just a thought have you asked if everything is okay at work - she sounds as though work is really getting on top of her and she may not be confiding in you as she doesn't want to worry you with the wedding coming up.

yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 15:57

YABU. Being a bridesamaid is not a job

worraliberty · 07/10/2011 15:58

It depends on what her home life is like really

Does she have kids?

What exactly is it you want her to do for you?

LaurieFairyCake · 07/10/2011 15:59

yabu and a wee bit precious. Your getting married, not her.

BruciesDollyDealer · 07/10/2011 16:01

other peoples wedding plans are boring

dont really blame her for avoiding it

ShatnersBassoon · 07/10/2011 16:01

YABU. Her life is more important to her than your wedding. She's done what she needs to do.

pippilongsmurfing · 07/10/2011 16:01

YABU, it's not her job to organise your wedding, and as it is your wedding it is not going to be the centre of her universe.

Do you know if she's having problems at home/work?

Proudnreallyveryscary · 07/10/2011 16:02

I know this might come as a shock and perhaps you should sit down for this...

Maybe she's GOT A LIFE...OUTSIDE OF YOUR WEDDING?

I know, I know, it sounds insane...but it might just be true.

thisisyesterday · 07/10/2011 16:02

um, yes yabu"!

she is a bridesmaid, not a slave who follows you around and tends to your needs even though you don't actually want anything doing

take a step back.
your wedding is not as important to other people as it is to you.

re-read your OP and imagine what you'd say if someone else had posted it....

Aislingorla · 07/10/2011 16:05

Why not ask her why she is 'not making time for you'? Surely if she 's close enough to you to be asked to be a bridesmaid you can tell her that her attitude is upsetting you.
Maybe she means well but is not overly interested in weddings and all the details. Some people just are not that into weddings.

unfitmother · 07/10/2011 16:06

YABU

Unless this is a joke, in which case...Grin

SpookhettiTwirlerAndProud · 07/10/2011 16:06

X posts with everyone :o

HerScaryness · 07/10/2011 16:07

She sounds jealous tbh.

Why not say to her that you will completely understand if she is too busy to be a BM, and that if she want's to withdraw, you will completely understand, and that she will be just as welcome as a guest if that is easier for her.

Call her and chat about it, be sweet and give her the space to back out with dignity. If she genuinely wants to remain a part of it then explain to her what you need from her and ask her how you can help her to help you get it all done.

HerScaryness · 07/10/2011 16:08

By CALL her, i mean, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES text her.

cat64 · 07/10/2011 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

newbiedoobiedoo · 07/10/2011 16:16

I think you're being ABU! Sorry!

When you're organising a wedding, big or small, it can take over everything. You want it to be perfect and you want people to be as interested as you but the thing is, they don't HAVE to be! Alot of people find it incredibly dull.

Tbh, you do sound a little spoiled by asking should she be making time for you! You're an adult! She doesn't really have to make time for you. But on the day, you're the bride and that's it! Wink

valiumredhead · 07/10/2011 16:17

She sounds jealous tbh

She's probably bored out of her mind and doesn't want to talk about wedding plans Grin

Oakmaiden · 07/10/2011 16:17

All I required from my bridesmaid was that they turned up on the day and smiled nicely at the camera. And wore pretty shoes, rather than clumpy boots. Although I didn't get my way with that last bit....

YABU - what on earth do you want her for that is so much more important than her real everyday life?

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 16:18

Hang on I never asked her to do anything for me all I am saying is she has not actually asked if there is anything she can do to help and ask how I am getting on from time to time. She does have a bit of a stressful job but it's not one u would take home with u . She has no kids or anything so it's not like she would struggle to find the time . She has cancelled important appointments I needed her at for her attire to go out partying.
I organised my own hen night but my other bridesmaids organised like favours and stuff which they paid for . She turned up and left early .

I have been a bridesmaid twice before and I am one again next year and I would never treat the bride the way she has treated me. I feel like an inconvenience to her . I feel like she just wants to turn up on the day and pose for pictures .

OP posts:
BanalChelping · 07/10/2011 16:19

One day you'll look back and laugh about how nutso obsessed you became over your wedding. Have a word with yourself.

TheBloodCountessBathory · 07/10/2011 16:19

What wedding stuff do you text her about?

Agree with everyone else, she's turned up to everything you've asked her to.

Maybe she is a bit jealous, or maybe she's having a hard time in some other area of her life. Or maybe she glazes over with boredom at any mention of your wedding and can't summon the energy to reply to your deadly texts Grin

member · 07/10/2011 16:20

Sorry, but I think YABU.

I've not been a bridesmaid & chose to have none when I married, but if someone were to ask me to be one, I'd think wearing co-ordinated outfits & make-up & maybe helping the bride dress/hold bouquet as required on the day would be fulfilling my duties. You say she's only done things that were "for her"; they were for your benefit.

What else did you expect her to do???

sausagesandmarmelade · 07/10/2011 16:21

Must be really hurtful.

We usually choose bridesmaids that we are close to and want to be involved in the arrangements of our special day.

It is an honour to be chosen...as it usually signifies closeness to the bride...and a public acknowledgement of that.

So when you have someone who doesn't appear to value the role and/or who shows no enthusiasm it can be hurtful....

I would get on with your wedding....stick with the people that are really happy for you and involved. The run up can be really stressful...so make time to pamper yourself and to chill out as well!

Good luck!

valiumredhead · 07/10/2011 16:22

What would you like her to offer to do for you OP? Confused

AChickenCalledKorma · 07/10/2011 16:23

Blimey - it never occurred to me to require anything from my bridesmaids apart from turning up for a dress fitting and for the wedding itself! Over the 24 hour people of the wedding, we had a great time, they kept me calm, helped me with my buttons and we had a good giggle. Apart from that, they were mainly 400 miles away, in their own homes, living their own lives Hmm

Perhaps your bridesmaid is, in fact, extremely busy? Perhaps she is very stressed and has a life of her own. Perhaps she is too knackered to run around after you when she has finished her "bit of a stressful job" for the day.

Under no circumstances phone and ask her if she really wants to be a bridesmaid. She will think you're a nutter and/or feel very offended.

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