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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

388 replies

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 15:55

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

OP posts:
zukiecat · 07/10/2011 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sarah1002 · 07/10/2011 16:39

Oh god it's all such a game isn't it

You get to play at 'who is the most important of us' for a few months, and 'let people go' and stuff like that.

I find it all really upsetting and confusing and I don't buy into it.

No, she should not 'be making time for you'. Getting married doesn't, like it or not, make you really special. Are you making time for her? You clearly don't know what's going on in her life/work/etc.

Either put up with her or sack her off but seriously, listen to yourself.

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 16:40

Ok I'm on the Internet on my phone so I am trying to reply to what I can remember.

She has had stuff happen to her maybe a year ago and I literally swooped in and came to her side and did everything I could to help her . So now all I am asking is for a week or two of her life which will end in the biggest day of mine to be there for me . I don't want her to b my slave . I text her about things like "I am going to the dressmakers if anyone wants to come" the other two either text me back and say yes they will come or they can't make it becos work family etc . I don't get a reply at all or get one 3 days later . That doesn't bother me so much but when I text her about things I NEED to know like what shoe size she is etc and I don't get a reply i think that's just so inconsiderate .

They didn't pay for my wedding favours they bought everyone at my hen night a little "naughty" favour and silly dress up things as a surprise I didn't know or ask for any of it .

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 07/10/2011 16:41

I didn't have any bridesmaids, just a very cute very well behaved page boy.

YANBU imo, I can see why you are hurt. If you can't have her as BM with good grace and no bad feelings let her go now.

sausagesandmarmelade · 07/10/2011 16:41

OP ignore the bitchy remarks...........

Enjoy the run up to your wedding. Won't be long now...and look after yourself.

Either put up with or ditch this BM....but make sure you have the most fantastic wedding day.

Stick with those who love you....and take time to give yourself plenty of pampering, rest and relaxation (if possible).

Have a fabulous day!

Proudnreallyveryscary · 07/10/2011 16:41

It's not always an 'honour being a bridemaid' sometimes it is just 'okay' or 'quite nice', sometimes it's a bit of a bloody chore!

I know lots of lovely, kind, non-twatty people that have been (secretly) reluctant bridemaids at very busy times in their lives or are bridesmaid-ing for people they are not especially close to.

sausagesandmarmelade · 07/10/2011 16:43

Just read your most recent reply

Have to say that she's coming across as rude, inconsiderate and very selfish...and you are understandably very hurt!

OhThisIsJustGrape · 07/10/2011 16:43

I had 2 adult bridesmaids - one was my sister and the other my best friend.

My sister helped me organise everything, my friend did nothing other than come along to dress fittings and help me get ready on the day.

Did I have a problem with that? No way! My sister did all most of the organising as I had 2 small kids and worked part time, my mum had died 5 years previously so I had no one to help me. My sister is one of lifes natural organisers so I let her get on with it Grin. I certainly didn't expect anything from my friend, she had her own life and I was just happy that she was able to play a part on the actual day.

YABU OP, and a little bit Bridezilla I'm afraid :)

CupOfBrownJoy · 07/10/2011 16:44

God being a bridesmaid is a pain in the ASS...

Poor cow Sad

WineOhWhy · 07/10/2011 16:45

I am also perplexed as to what the bridesmaid should be doing. I had quite a big wedding and had 2 bridesmaids, 1 friend 1 cousin.
All that was required of bridesmaids in their capacity as such was:-

  1. turn up for fittings for their dresses, shoes etc.
  1. In the case of friend, help organise hen-do
  1. Do the usual bridesmaid stuff on the day itself
  1. Rehearsal the day before
  1. Help out a bit with the last minute stuff the day before (although only becuase they were there for the rehearsal!)

Admittedly I got married quite a long time ago, before the days of the uber wedding.

Of course, I chatted about wedding plans with friends (including bridesmaids) in the run up to thw wedding, and I would have been miffed if a friend had not shown much interest (provided I was not going overboard with chatter about it), but that would be true of any good friend and not specifically the one who is bridesmaid.

Oakmaiden · 07/10/2011 16:45

So now all I am asking is for a week or two of her life which will end in the biggest day of mine to be there for me

Read this again, and tell me that it is not VERY selfish and needy?

sausagesandmarmelade · 07/10/2011 16:46

People who don't want to be bridesmaids should have the gumption not to accept the role.......

It's not rocket science...

Why reluctantly accept, half heartedly and then end up upsetting the bride in the run up to (what is for many) the most important day of her life?

AChickenCalledKorma · 07/10/2011 16:46

She went through a period when she needed your support about a year ago. Not that long ago, then. And she has "quite a stressful job". And all you want is "a week or two of her life"?

You are sounding rather high maintenance, you know. Yeah, replying to text messages would be nice, but really, maybe she is just finding this all a bit much. Be grateful for everything the other two are doing for you ... they are going the extra mile and you have no right to expect it of everyone.

Ormirian · 07/10/2011 16:47

Gosh! I didn't know bridesmaids were supposed to help before the event?

If that's the case I am going to go and tell my bridesmaid off! OK she was only 12 and was living in South Africa but honestly! Lazy cow Grin

But seriously what happens if someone chooses only child attendants for their wedding. Who helps then? Confused

Ormirian · 07/10/2011 16:48

This is so funny Grin

sausagesandmarmelade · 07/10/2011 16:48

The OP has not been unreasonable. She just wanted a little enthusiasm, some responses to her text messages (not really too much to ask) and her to be there and support her in the run up to her wedding...

Nothing unreasonable there.

fatlazymummy · 07/10/2011 16:48

Loling at 'to be there for me' ,as if getting married is some massive ordeal.
Yeah, of course you're being unreasonable. Thankfully my bridesmaids days are long gone now.

Oakmaiden · 07/10/2011 16:49

sausages because for most people the role of bridesmaid is just to turn up on the day, help to fuss with the bride's dress and to be nice to people.

I don't think many people expect to have a whole list of "duties" and "appointments" in the run up to the wedding. I just asked for my b/m's dress sizes and got the dresses made - they didn't come to appointments at all. Just turned up on the day.

Ormirian · 07/10/2011 16:49

Why do you need anyone's help at the dressmakers?

OchAyeTheNooPal · 07/10/2011 16:49

Why did you ask her to be your BM anyway? I'm assuming that she didn't just develop a busy stressful job after you asked her. You must have known if she couldn't put much time into your wedding plans.

Did you even like her that much? Ask her what's going on in her life before bitching about her. You're meant to be her friend.

CupOfBrownJoy · 07/10/2011 16:50

What on earth is there to do before the actual day?

I thought bridesmaids possibly did something for the hen do, eg games/outfit, went to dress fittings then tried not to look bored shitless in the photos on the day.... there's more??

Why do people think anyone except them gives a bollox about their wedding?

Proudnreallyveryscary · 07/10/2011 16:51

Because, Sausages, they may not realise what the bloody hell they are letting themselves in for!

I repeat not every woman swoons in gratitude at the 'honour' of being a bridesmaid. Many just think it's quite nice and will fit in what they can around their very busy lives.

I was bridesmaid for my SIL - she was so laid back, we had a such a laugh. Apart from going dress shopping and plying her with bubbly on the morning of the Big Day I didn't really do much and she still sent me a lovely letter afterwads saying how wonderful I'd been. I wasn't wonderful - I just love her to bits and enjoyed every minute of it because there was no pressure or rules and regulations.

TheBloodCountessBathory · 07/10/2011 16:51

Oh for God's Sake sausagesandmarmalade . . .

"Stick with those who love you....and take time to give yourself plenty of pampering, rest and relaxation (if possible)." etc etc.

She's getting married not undergoing surgery!

Yuk!

CupOfBrownJoy · 07/10/2011 16:54

Grin @ wedding-as-ordeal

Fuck's sake!

Why do you need rest, relaxation and pampering? You're spending a day getting hammered and wearing a posh dress, not running a fecking marathon... Hmm

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/10/2011 16:55

YABVU, judging by your posts i suspect she cant wait for the event to be over and is praying you dont get pregnant on honeymoon and find something new to obsess over.

A bridesmaid just needs to attend fittings, go to the hen night and attend on the day. I never expected mine to assist with the planning or texted them unless it was to agree a date for trying on dresses etc. Get your other half to help with the planning if you cant do it yourself.