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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

388 replies

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 15:55

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

OP posts:
nethunsreject · 07/10/2011 16:55

Oh dear Lord, you are only getting bloody married.

THIS is why I hate weddings.

Fwiw, when I've been a bridesmaid, I've been expected to attend fittings and help my friend (the bride!) on the day with getting organised, etc. That's it.

Deliaskis · 07/10/2011 16:55

I agree it's inconsiderate of her not to reply to specific questions like when you needed her shoe size etc. Perhaps stop texting her about the non-important (to her) stuff (like your trip to the dressmakers) and just stick to the stuff you actually need.

The "now all I am asking for is a week or two of her time" does come across as a bit high maintenance TBH. Accepting a request to be bridesmaid really usually only requires a little bit more than a day of someone's time.

Ormirian · 07/10/2011 16:56

Perhaps she is also having open-heart surgery before the big day? Is that why she needs pampering? Or a hip operation? Or has someone close to her died?

Perhaps the bridesmaid wants to be involved but can't. With work as it right now, and all the other things I trying to juggle, I'd struggle to go to dress fittings or shopping or rose-petal testing ...or whatever it is.

OP - you are going to have a lovely day. Look forward to it and enjoy it! But don't expect everyone else to get in quite such a tizzy over it.

nethunsreject · 07/10/2011 16:56

'most important day of her life' Oh ffs. Is it still the 50s?

sarah1002 · 07/10/2011 16:57

Okay, it's out of order not to reply to urgent text messages but maybe she doesn't understand that you need a quick reply.

She does sound like she can't really be bothered/find the time for it all, but at least she is doing it instead of backing out and letting you down.

If I was her I'd be long gone. It is sometimes too much to be a bridesmaid, put someone on a pedestal and make a big fuss of them if you don't have enough energy or time to spare and it sounds like she doesn't.

By the way. Having things 'happen to her' is a bit different to your choosing to get married. Getting married is presumably something you want to do and will be fun. Why do you need any sympathy/fussing over etc? i've never understood all that.

Maybe she would be there for you if you were having a bad time. A case in point, I almost lost my best friend due to being inconveniently pregnant instead of being her bridesmaid. Fast forward a couple of years and we made up, became close again and then she got cancer.

She died nine months later but I was there for her totally during that time, constantly, it was something I was able and very willing to help with.

I hope it made up for the bridesmaid thing though at the time, it was like the worst thing ever that I wasn't there. I was still her friend when she needed me.

think on't

tallulah · 07/10/2011 16:57

If she never replies to texts had you thought perhaps of ringing her?

I sometimes pick my phone up to find I've had a text that was sent over 24 hours ago which I've missed for some reason. The phone is on silent at work and I don't always remember to charge it. Also on PAYG I never had any credit.

Perhaps she either isn't getting your texts, or isn't getting them in time. If you call her and actually speak to her then there is no ambiguity.

FWIW I had one adult bridesmaid who arrived the night before the wedding, and 3 tinies who arrived on the day. I thought the job of the bridesmaid was to walk behind you on the day and look nice in the pictures. Never dreamed it was an actual job.

CupOfBrownJoy · 07/10/2011 17:00

Funnily enough the worst Bridezilla I've experienced didin't actually let me be a bridesmaid (too tall, would ruin the rear view of her dress in the church Hmm).

We had been friends for years but from the moment she got engaged I was grinding my teeth. Got past the nightmare wedding, got past the arrival of the pfb (two A4 sides of instructions for the nanny every day) and when she had DC2 I couldn't take it any more...

Careful OP, you may lose friends and it won't be their fault

Proudnreallyveryscary · 07/10/2011 17:00

Tee hee @ Shelleyboobs!

LynetteScavo · 07/10/2011 17:01

Maybe she's just not that interested in your wedding flowers.

My bridesmaid is a brilliant friend, but hated being fitted for a dress, couldn't have given a shit what invitations I sent out...didn't care less how I had my hair (or hers) Weddings are just not her thing.

She did suffer a wedding fair with me, though, bless her. Because I insisted.

We didn't do that whole getting ready in the morning thing. She just turned up at the venue.

Not everybody likes to faff about weddings.

As already said, have you asked your bridesmaid if she's OK? Sounds like she might be worried about losing her job, or may be having personal problems. Your wedding flowers may well seem incredibly trivial, especially if you've been planning this wedding for ages.

mrsbleasdale · 07/10/2011 17:01

I read your post and thought - here we go - she's going to get bflamed for this!

Was right - have read many posts like this before. As others have said, while your wedding may be the most important thing in your life - it won't be in hers!

Maybe she's stressed/depressed or just not that bothered! You asked her to bridesmaid - you're not employing her.

It's like when you have kids - the whole world isn't as obsessed about it as you are.

Have a great wedding - don't fret or worry about this....or make it spoil your day. You're getting wound up over something that's really not a big deal!

crystalglasses · 07/10/2011 17:02

Now I'm wondering if I offended my sister who had my dd1 as her only bridesmaid. I'm so 'wedding unaware' that I don't even know if she had a hen night and I certainly didn't ask her about the arrangements other than go with her for her final dress fitting and to inspect and pay for the dress she wanted my dd1 to wear.

mrsbleasdale · 07/10/2011 17:03

She could be on another thread saying - "AIBU to think My best mate doesn't give a stuff about me and my life, I'm feeling really neglected - she's just self-obsessed about her own wedding".......just a thought!

kblu · 07/10/2011 17:05

Have you asked her if she wants to be your bridesmaid? It sounds like she doesn't!

I would be a bit hurt if one of my bridesmaids didn't seem interested in my wedding plans to be honest.

scaryteacher · 07/10/2011 17:07

'I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself '...smacks of high maintenance to me. If you want staff, then pay; don't expect your bridesmaids to do it.

My bridesmaid turned up the day before the wedding, with a dress she had bought, and I paid for, looked lovely in the photos, and that was all I needed her to do.

As to doing 'mostly everything for myself' - fgs - I bought my dress from a shop with a friend, arranged my flowers on my own, wrote the invites on my own, chose the hymns and the music, organised the car and the photographer as soon to be dh was at sea. You really sound very precious about the whole thing.

I would also like to point out that a wedding is just that, a day. The real work begins after that with a marriage; that should be your focus, not just the one day. What will you be like when reality hits home that marriage isn't meringue dresses and rose petals for evermore?

AnyoneButLulu · 07/10/2011 17:07

Bridesmaid's jobs
A) get fitted for hideous frock
B) turn up on day and act as mobile set dressing
C) try not to get plastered and get caught shaggjng the father of the groom in the vestry.

seeker · 07/10/2011 17:07

Am loving the "had to let her go" line!

pointydog · 07/10/2011 17:15

When I was a bridesmaid I did sweet fanny adams. Never occurred to me that I should be asking the bride-to-be how she was doing and offering to do chores for her.

I think your attitude might be irritating her big-time. Or maybe she just doesn't have a clue about your demanding expectations.

ZombiePlan · 07/10/2011 17:15

She sounds a bit of a pain tbh. I'm not someone who has any time for bridezillas, but seriously - she cba to text you her shoe size? Honestly, there is no-one who is too busy to send a quick text like that. She ibvu to be putting additional hassle on your plate in the run up to the wedding. I'm sure that you have better things to do than chase her up to beg her to disclose what size of footwear she requires you to buy for her.

I know it's not actually her wedding, but it is the wedding of a close friend - surely good friends should give a shit? It's not unreasonable to think that your bm might show a bit of interest in those parts of the wedding that don't relate directly to her and her appearance. IMO she's being a bit of a bridesmaidzilla...

BleurghUna · 07/10/2011 17:29

Blimey. Things have changed! When I got married all bridesmaids had to do was attend dress fittings, organise hen do, turn up on the day and smile for the camera. And I thought that was asking a lot! Now it turns out they have to give you a week of their life! Shock
On a serious note though, I do agree with the poster who said try phoning her! If your BM is anything like me she doesn't look at texts for days at a time and then puts off sending a reply cause it takes so blimmin long! (sausage fingers)

SauvignonBlanche · 07/10/2011 17:38

YABU
All bridemaids need to do is turn up and help you to the loo in your dress IMO.

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 17:41

I seriously can't believe you all think being a bridesmaid means turning up on the day with a dress on !!! I remember one of the times I was a bridesmaid I trailed about every shop in the city trying on what felt like 200 pairs of shoes - becos thats what the bride wanted !!

I have actually been very flexible , they have amongst themselves picked their own dresses hairstyles make up jewellery etc becos I wanted them to b comfortable and actually like what they r wearing .

And I'm sorry but I think ur wedding is the one time in your life where it's allowed to be all about u . Its not like it's completely taken over their lives . It's not even taken over mines (well in the last week it has!Blush) but I think if you r going to b a bridesmaid u have to b interested otherwise what's the point ? If someone asked me to b their bridesmaid and I wasnt interested in their wedding , I wouldn't agree to b their bridesmaid . And if I was someones bridesmaid and I hadn't seen them for the two months leading up to the wedding I would b MORTIFIED !! But then I wouldn't let that happenSmile

OP posts:
blackcatjay · 07/10/2011 17:43

Sorry but I think YABU too. Please remember that when you are getting married no-one finds it all as exciting as you do.

Pakdooik · 07/10/2011 17:44

So now all I am asking is for a week or two of her life Unbelievable.

I think she has it right, not you OP. It's a wedding not a re-enactment of the D-Day landing

Scoundrel · 07/10/2011 17:45

I'm afraid you do sound like you're lording it over them and that they are your minions. It's not very pretty.

You say the wedding is all about you. Is there a bloke in the picture at all? Grin

Gingefringe · 07/10/2011 17:46

Why did you chose her to be your bridesmaid? Did she have this kind of attitude towards you before?

Sorry, but I agree with the others, YABU.