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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

388 replies

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 15:55

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

OP posts:
CupOfBrownJoy · 07/10/2011 17:47

I think ur wedding is the one time in your life where it's allowed to be all about u

Is there a DP in this scenario?? Poor lad doesn't seem to be getting a look-in! Smile

CupOfBrownJoy · 07/10/2011 17:49

x post scoundrel!

Pakdooik · 07/10/2011 17:50

The groom's probably been copied in to this thread and is now on his way to Mexico

meditrina · 07/10/2011 17:51

If you cannot believe that different people have different views, then this is going to continue to be a problem for you.

Because you have plenty of evidence on this thread that opinions vary, and there are any who simply do not think bridesmaids have to be particularly involved at all.

If you have a next time, you'd better interview first to find out if you and the potential bridesmaids do share assumptions about the role!

And I never saw my wedding as all about me - it was about uniting two families via us as a couple (hate being the centre of attention). And as another poster pointed out, it's not the most important day of your life - unless you want married life to be one long anticlimax.

LIZS · 07/10/2011 17:52

Maybe she senses the overenthusiasm of the others and feels she is going to fall short and her attention isn't valued really needed, or maybe she has other priorities, work or personal. How well do the 3 know each other ? Does she have a specific role to play or is she being expected to live up to perhaps unrealistic and vague expectations ? Yes you stepped in when you felt needed but that was your own choice. Just because it is your Big Day doesn't mean it should be hers. If you need an answer to a particular question, call her don't text !

meditrina · 07/10/2011 17:53

" It's a wedding not a re-enactment of the D-Day landing".

Actually - that sounds like quite a good theme!

ENormaSnob · 07/10/2011 17:53

A wedding isn't all about you.

Try www.itsurdayhun if you believe all that shit.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 07/10/2011 17:56

My bridesmaids definitely just turned up on the day - well, the day beforehand, because we all live in different parts of the country. One of them managed up for my hen night (that I'd organised), the other couldn't afford it - no big deal at all. DH and I at that time weren't even living in the same city, so our weekends were spent with each other rather than traipsing round shoe shops with my bridesmaids. We organised pretty much all of the wedding ourselves - very little input from parents, bridesmaids or best man.

It is perfectly possible for bridesmaids to just turn up on the day. Unless you are not close as friends or relatives anyway, I don't see why it should be a problem?

member · 07/10/2011 17:57

So, the question is, how are you going to proceed? Dump her at this late stage or accept that your control freakery has risen in proportion to how close the wedding gets & that you're over reacting?

Toobluntforboss · 07/10/2011 17:58

Good luck with the wedding and I hope it all goes well but you honestly sound like a complete bridezilla and very unreasonable about your bridesmaid.

PersonalJesus · 07/10/2011 19:41

Shock at "just expect them to turn up on the day" posts...

I was bridesmaid for my friend (who was not a Bridezilla, but her mother sure as shit was) and kissed goodbye to my whole year's quota of holidays. Not to mention a significant amount of money, a week and a half at a hotel for the wedding, long weekend for hens and various trips over 200 miles north for shopping/fittings etc.

I had a ton of personal shite going on, I was depressed due to my illness and in a lot of pain. The hen weekend was awful, some of her relatives treated me appallingly out of earshot of the bride. Two said I would ruin the photographs, thus making my already bashed confidence non existant. Even when some of the guests moaned about how fat I was (caused by medication), and came out with nasty, snidey comments due to jealousy at not being asked themselves, my smile didn't slip once.

Be kind to your bridesmaid. I had a miserable day, even though the bride never suspected, and still doesn't. The mother was directing the photographer and there were hardly any of me, and only one with my friend. She was so swept up in her lovely day and I did my absolute damnedest to make sure she stayed that way.

Please check your friend is ok, she may be struggling and is scared to worry/burden you. I know I was.

newbiedoobiedoo · 07/10/2011 19:43

My sister/bridesmaid helped me a lot because she was my SISTER (is my sister). Not because she was a bridesmaid.

Seriously I'm laughing at this talk of letting people go and getting plenty of relaxation in...

OP you asked if you ABU and majority think you are so maybe you should re-look at this. Why on earth do you need two weeks of her life??? That's insane! It's a DAY! not that it's not a very, very special day for you but a day nonetheless. You need to chill out about this I think.

And dont fire anyone! :)

microserf · 07/10/2011 19:59

oh dear god, YABVU. i've been a bridesmaid 3 times and a bride once. it's definitely NOT all about you and yes other people's wedding plans are insanely boring. i count my own wedding among them. me and dh enjoyed it, and we were grateful for anyone who could be arsed turning up!

i had two great experiences as a bridesmaid (turn up on day in frock), and one year of indentured servitude hell to the final one, which seriously impacted our friendship for a long time afterwards.

you're getting married, not donating a kidney. sorry that seems harsh, as i think you sound like a nice person but perhaps a little overcome by the whole wedding thing.

WidowWadman · 07/10/2011 20:00

It's just a party. Not worth fretting for months and months and months about. And not great if the only thing you ever contacted her about in the past 3 months was your wedding. That's rather self absorbed

cory · 07/10/2011 20:10

Good heavens if I'd known it was such an ordeal to get married I wouldn't have bothered.

"be kind to yourself", "get some relaxation"- I finished my bloody PhD on the same day the first wedding guests arrived, did 3 days of celebrating and then emigrated the day after the wedding. But wedding a la deathlyhallows sounds far too exhausting for me- I seriously think I would have had to stay single.

This seems to be a thread that is making a fair few of us feel older than we knew we were: weddings didn't use to be quite such a big deal, did they?

Dozer · 07/10/2011 20:10

YABU!

Loathe this kind of self-absorbed, "it's-my-day- everyone-must-dance-attendance-and-be-there-for-me" bullshit.

"I-must-be-very-very-relaxed-and-glowing-even-though-am-having-nervous-breakdown-over-control-issues"

TandB · 07/10/2011 20:13

What do you actually want her to do?

You say you want a week or two of her life in the run up to the wedding - but to do what?

Presumably the dresses are all bought, shoes have been purchased in the correct sizes, hair and make-up arrangements are in place. What else is there?

Or is she expected to drop everything to sit around talking about the wedding and reading bridal magazines.

So glad DP and I are unmarried - if I had turned into a bridezilla I reckon he would have been running for the hills rather than turning up at the altar.

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 20:21

Widow - I didn't say the only thing I have contacted her about was wedding stuff . I said whenever I contact her about wedding stuff she doesnt get back to me . I contact her about loads of other things ! Including just general how r u haven't seen u in ages kinda thing . I generally get replies from her then .

OP posts:
cory · 07/10/2011 20:24

How much is included in "wedding stuff"? just out of interest. For my bridesmaid that was a couple of dress fittings, purchase of shoes and one quick run through of the ceremony. Not what could by any stretch of imagination be described as "a week or two of her life".

diyvspse · 07/10/2011 20:24

She's just not that into you your wedding. Weddings are boring for most people. Especially the bridesmaids (actually, often the guests too).

I loved my wedding, planned it down to the smallest detail. But I had no expectations of my bridesmaids. Just show up for a couple of dress fittings and on the day. Thanks a bunch. I paid for all their clothing/shoes/makeup/hair and I decided what they wore. That was the bargain.

What is your bridesmaid getting out of this? It's a hassle. You're needy and demanding.

Friendship is a two way street. When one friend appoints another her bridesmaid the demands of the friendship often become very one sided. That doesn't work in friendship and it's why many female friendships break up over wedding plans.

KittyFane · 07/10/2011 20:27

You sound like you're being a bit of a princess.
Bridesmaid Duties (according to wiki)

Although many exceed the minimum, the bridesmaids' required duties are very limited.
They are required to attend the wedding ceremony and to assist the bride on the day of the wedding.
Bridesmaids in Europe and North America are often asked to assist the bride with planning the wedding and a wedding reception.
In modern times, a bridesmaid is also typically asked to play a role in planning wedding-related events, such as a bridal shower or bachelorette party, if there are any.
These, however, are optional activities; according to etiquette expert Judith Martin, "Contrary to rumor, bridesmaids are not obliged to entertain in honor of the bride, nor to wear dresses they cannot afford."
If it is customary in the bride's area to have a bridesmaids luncheon, then it is hosted, and therefore organized and paid for, by the bride.
A junior bridesmaid has no responsibilities beyond attending the wedding.

LikeABlackFlameCandleBNQ · 07/10/2011 20:29

It may help if you could give examples of the sorts of things you have been asking...?

CristinadellaPizza · 07/10/2011 20:30

I do worry about people who think their wedding is the biggest day of their lives. Really? That is the pinnacle of your achievement in life so far? And don't tell me that it is because it is a public declaration of your love for your partner, blah, blah, blah. If that were the case, then you wouldn't require three other people to dedicate two weeks of their lives in servitude to you. And I would expect you to mention your fiance at least once in a thread this long.

But then again, there is a reason I've never married :o

clam · 07/10/2011 20:30

Well, here's been me getting this wedding malarkey wrong all these years. I'd thought it was a ceremony, religious or civil, to unite you and your DH for life. You invite your nearest and dearest to witness this ceremony and splash out as much as you want/can afford to make sure everyone has a good time and celebrates with you.

But apparently that's not right. It's a time in your life where it's "all about you." Hang your nearest and dearest.

sarah1002 · 07/10/2011 20:31

can you just stop all the u r b and all that shit

please

I can't bear it