Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

388 replies

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 15:55

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 10/10/2011 11:40

fatlazymummy my understanding is that if you (as the bride) tell the bridesmaids what dress and shoes you want them to wear and expect to have veto power, you should pay as well.

If the bridesmaids can wear whatever they want to wear then it's a very nice gesture for the bride to pay but not unreasonable to expect them to pay for their own dresses. In this case the maximum amount of dictating a bride can do is to state a broad colour category (eg. no more specific than "blue" or "yellow"), with no veto rights over the ultimate outfit and no cat's bum face if they turn up wearing something you don't like.

At least that's my understanding from every American wedding I've ever been a part of.

Xiaoxiong · 10/10/2011 11:46

Oh and also OP, YABU. You don't need bridesmaids to go shopping with you, hold your hand or "support you" unless you need them to hoik up your giant dress when you pee.

I sent my mother my measurements and a vague sketch of a dress that I pdfed - she took it to a dressmaker in China, chose the fabrics and brought it over in her suitcase 3 weeks later. A press and some minor adjustments for fit were all that was needed - total cost, £128 plus a 20% tip to the dressmaker. Jewellery was family stuff, veil was the family heirloom, blue suede shoes I bought on impulse when I saw them in the window walking past Hobbs, underpinnings from the bravissimo catalogue.

ColonelBrandon · 10/10/2011 12:11

Can we divert away from the OP (thread confirms she's BU and need to take a chill pill) and focus instead on the far more fascinating Spuddy!!

Hey Spud, what about you, DP and a MN wedding?? Grin

SenoritaViva · 10/10/2011 12:34

Did you tell her what you expected of her when you asked her?

Also, can someone tell me whether 'becos' is text speak or a lack of spelling knowledge? I am asking a genuine question as I personally don't use text speak...

Pakdooik · 10/10/2011 13:07

How does a bridezilla change a lightbulb?

They stand stil and the world revolves around them!

sausagesandmarmelade · 10/10/2011 13:14

Poor OP....

Doubt she'll ever ask another question on here.

Hope you have a fabulous wedding OP! Smile

loveglove · 10/10/2011 13:39

I understand where you are coming from op. I feel let down by most of my bridesmaids, they have shown quite a lack of interest.

One of them I can sort of get, as her wedding is 3 weeks before mine. But this hasn't stopped me getting involved with her do, sorting shoes for the dress she's picked (I am bridesmaid) helping her with invites etc. I asked if she'd sorted a dress for mine yet (I'm having a choose your own as long as it's x colour), and she said "I'm not bothering til after my wedding, then I'll just grab something".

I am quite hurt by it. I am also pissed off that although all of them know I have no mother or family, not one has offered to come dress shopping with me, I've done it alone.

I think I was hoping for a bit more support though just because I have no family support. .

Pakdooik · 10/10/2011 13:41

Sausage She'll be back on next week asking if she's being unreasonable "To feel totally let down by my husband" after her wedding night!

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 10/10/2011 14:00

Ok again I'm on my phone so bare with me if I miss anyone I am trying to reply to as many as I can remember once I'm in the add message box !!

I am of the mindset that if something is important to my friends, it's important to me too. As for the week of to of her life, I mean by that if I ask her a question I would appreciate a response right away, as surely anyone would know if I'm asking it at this stage I do need it right away. And if she makes plans for the dressmakers she stick to them, and not cancel (without rearranging might I add)

And as for the who foots the bill - I have paid for everything: dresses, shoes hair and make up and jewellery . And even optional extras like nails done, hair extensions etc etc .

And becos is text speak I will try stop it if it's annoying some habits are just hard to breakSmile

OP posts:
sausagesandmarmelade · 10/10/2011 14:19

I think that people have different views of what constitutes friendship...

If someone can't spare a minute or two to respond to a text message then they really can't value the sender very highly....

If you really value a friendship and care about another person you will want to share in their joys and their sorrows and be there for them when they need you. That's quality friendship...

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 10/10/2011 15:29

Also I am fascinated that so many of you believe that the role of the bridesmaid is to turn up with a dress on , I genuinely don't know anyone who thinks that. If that is the case then I have done WAY too much for the brides when I have been a bridesmaid. I was always under the impression that bridesmaid were there to help destress the bride. Mine are causing me more stress than any other aspect of the wedding.

OP posts:
gapants · 10/10/2011 15:59

did you see her face to face over the weekend? did you phone her yet?

I thought it was only 1 of the 3 that was being annoying?

Call her up, and say, your lack of interest is really hurting me, is there something going on? Would you rather just come as a guest on the day?

LoveInAColdClimate · 10/10/2011 16:15

OP, in the nicest possible way, did you have quite a lot of free time available to help when you were a bridesmaid? If your friend is working long hours, she probably needs a lot of the time she's not in the office to do stuff like food shopping and laundry. Plus she presumably still has commitments like attending other weddings, family events etc that she has to fit in around your wedding. If I were your bridesmaid, you'd hate me - I work long hours, barely have a free weekend until Christmas, and have a baby's arrival to prepare for! I literally couldn't fit in jewellery shopping for someone else. Perhaps she is in the same boat?

Pakdooik · 10/10/2011 16:36

Sausages

I think that people have different views of what constitutes friendship...

If someone can't spare a minute or two to phone rather than text then they really can't value the recipient very highly....

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/10/2011 16:43

OP... What do you mean? You say that your 'bridesmaids are causing you more stress than anything else...' but in your OP you say that 2 out of 3 are doing what you wanted. Please make your mind up about what you mean. Confused

It sounds to me as if you are a bit of a Bridezilla-but-a-kindly-one sort and you expect a lot of fuss and attention because you're getting married. Is that the case? It's just that your expectations may not match those of the people around you and if you need something doing, you need to be clear about what you want done and who you want doing it.

As far as text messages go, some people halt conversations (rudely) and dive into their handbags to get their phones the minute that a text fanfare sounds. They then spend the next few minutes clicking inanely on some rubbish that matters not a job by which time I've lost the interest in speaking to them at all.... are you like that? Your Bridesmaid number 3 might be like me whilst 1&2 are like you.

You need to destress otherwise you'll have horrid wrinkles by your wedding day.

motheroftwoboys · 10/10/2011 16:43

Wedding 1 - I was 22 - parents paid for most stuff, can barely remember the wedding/reception. Still friends with the exH.
Wedding 2 - I was 32 - wedding arranged in 2 weeks. I wore scarlet and black. No bridesmaids. Close work male colleague was "sort of" bridesmaid. No hen night. Reg. office service with family/close friends. Small reception. 1 night honeymoon. Big party at home the week after. Still married 22 years later!

SenoritaViva · 10/10/2011 16:47

As I asked before (although thanks for answering the text speak becos question, I really did want to know) were you clear when you asked her to be your bridesmaid what you wanted her to do? Many people on here seem to have lower expectations of what a bridesmaid 'should' do and perhaps this is the case with her.

Secondly, I wouldn't worry about the hair extensions. She hasn't got back to you, so just don't order them and she'll have to opt for something else. That's her problem, not yours.

I would appreciate those bridesmaids that don't have a problem with helping and 'use' them to enjoy the run up to the wedding, as well as the groom of course (they can be useful to de-stress too you know).

Don't let this spoil your day, it really isn't worth it.

vixsatis · 10/10/2011 16:54

I can't believe this discussion is still going on. I don't understand what is "stressful" about organising a wedding, even a big one.
There are a few things to fix a year in advance (venue, caterers, photographer, florist);
a guest list (this is prhaps the trickiest bit) to agree with your prospective spouse and your respective families;
things to do a few months ahead: order invitations, choose and order dress and shoes, invite charming small children to be bridesmaids, select their dresses; finalise menus; choose readings, hymns etc if relevant; book music for the reception;
and a few things to be done at the last minute- final fittings, hair and make up; logistical support for elderly relatives etc.(this last having been planned well in advance).

I am a pretty chaotic person and a perfectionist about flowers, food etc.; but I really can't see why organising a wedding should cause so much hysteria, requiring "support" etc. etc.

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 10/10/2011 16:56

Sorry see where you would be confused. Yes it's the third one that is being awkward but the other two have now started to complain to me that they are sick of doing things around her timetable and that they are not changing their plans to suit her anymore so now I am finding it even more difficult to get them all organised. (I should at this point point out that when they're dresses arrived thy were wrong and had to be sent back so they are still being fitted) and people have been making remarks about her and I feel embarrassed and make excuses for her.

I did see her over the weekend . I can't address it with her because two of my bm and I are childhood friends, she doesn't take criticism well and it would put the other bm in the middle. I feel it wouldn't be fair on her.

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 10/10/2011 17:00

So do things with the other BMs, send BM 3 a text saying, 'we are doing this at X time as it suits the others, would love it if you could join us'. Be flexible to the 'helpful' ones.

I also agree that weddings aren't that stressful unless you make them, just ignore people's comments, shrug and say 'I guess she's got a lot on her plate'. it doesn't make you look bad, only her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/10/2011 17:11

OK, deathyhallows, so... what you need to do is make a list of what still needs doing and farm out those jobs accordingly. Where people are speaking about BM3 just give a non-committal 'hmm' or 'do you think so?' and move on with the conversation elsewhere.

Give each BM their specific jobs to do, which includes getting where they need to be for fittings, there's no excuse for them not to do that... and then relax and trust that it will all come right in the end - because it WILL. :)

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 10/10/2011 17:22

Ok so just read back my OP and I can kind of see why I was getting bridzilla comments !! HOWEVER ... I am NOT changing how I feel it's just the way I have worded it. I'm going to give an example and see if I am any clearer.

I send out a group message about going to x if anyone wants to come. BM1 texts back saying either yes I will come or no I can't have have xyz on. BM2 doesn't reply , BM 3 doesn't reply. BM 2 pops round/texts a few days later we have a chat, she says sorry I didn't reply I was working/babysitting/driving then forgot etc etc asks if I went to x and how I got on. I see BM3 2 weeks later, she doesn't acknowledge she ignored my invite or ask how I got on. Or mention it at all.

The phrases slave / beck and call / doing everything you ask have been thrown at me on here and I can't tell you how much thats not the case. I'm not asking for any of these things. I'm just asking her to be interested in the things that are important to me, for it is only for a few weeks then I will be getting on with my life and she will never have to talk about my wedding again.

OP posts:
Original poster
deathlyhallows · 10/10/2011 17:31

The thing is lying there isn't really anything for them to do I would just like them to be part of the lead up at some stage. I haven't asked them to do anything as such I have just accepted offers of help . I know in my OP I said if I've asked anything BM 1 and 2 would let me know either way but i was never asking them to do anything it was as I've said previously I'm going to x do you want to come or I'm doing y today if you want to come and help.

OP posts:
MollyMurphy · 10/10/2011 17:32

I was the bridesmaid my friend bitched about (and still does occasionally through snide comments) so that taints my feelings about the OPs post. My crime was to go backpacking in Europe for 3 months before her wedding. A dream trip that I had been working my ass off to get the money for long before she announced her wedding date (right in the middle of when I was supposed to be gone).

So being the horrible friend I supposedly am I......A) rearranged and shortened my trip to be there b) bought a lovely (expensive) dress that she approved of c) came to the hen party and sent my regrets with a gift to the shower as I wasn't in the country D) picked out a fabulous wedding gift for her in Greece then lugged it around for a month and a half E) ensured I was home a week before her wedding incase she needed help with any final arrangements F) helped her decorate and package her party favors F) paid an outrageous fortune to have my hair done as demanded requested.....oh yeah and I showed up on the day as well mannered as could be. What a cow I am! What a wretched fairweather friend! When all was said and done my "friend" advised me that she had considered ditching me as a bridesmaid since I wasn't their to properly support her in the months before her wedding Hmm. Our relationship has never been the same - I lost SO much respect for her.

Examine your expectations OP and ask yourself if its really worth it.

Xiaoxiong · 10/10/2011 17:33

I have to say that I would not interpret a text saying "I'm going to look at tiaras, does anyone want to come?" as needing a reply if I didn't want to come, particularly if I was really busy. It's expressed as you going either way - you only want to know if someone would like to come along. And two weeks later I would have completely forgotten about it!

Out of interest, what did you talk about two weeks later when you saw her?