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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

388 replies

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 15:55

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

OP posts:
member · 07/10/2011 16:23

Of course, another thought could be that your prospective husband has tried it on with her & she's not wild about being party to your wedding to him Wink

jasminerice · 07/10/2011 16:23

God, you sound like hard work, I feel sorry for your poor fiance....

NorfolkBroad · 07/10/2011 16:24

Sorry, I don't really get this "bridesmaids have to help organise the wedding thing". It is a lovely and exciting occasion for you and your DP but it is not life or death and people have other stuff on such as work and kids. I think weddings have gone a bit mad now what with the hugely extravagant hen weekends etc etc.

Rhinestone · 07/10/2011 16:24

YABU

I was a BM for a friend whilst at the same time dealing with a very complicated and upsetting family situation, and some health problems, AND we'd just learnt our house had subsidence and I was dealing with that and we were potentially going to have to rent somewhere for a few months. Her wedding was not top of my list of priorities oddly enough.

I did everything asked of me including arranging the hen weekend and she got really huffy with me when I couldn't meet her and her mum for veil shopping and lunch one day. I've never forgotten that and it's affected our friendship.

sausagesandmarmelade · 07/10/2011 16:26

I know that if I was asked to be someone's bridesmaid I would feel really chuffed and honoured and excited (especially for them).

I originally had 3 adult BMs and let one go (fairly early on) because I too found the lack of enthusiasm quite hurtful...

Is there any point in you letting yours go now...when you've probably gone to a lot of expense in buying her dress etc?

TimothyClaypoleLover · 07/10/2011 16:26

I had 3 bridesmaids. One organised the hen do but the other two did nothing other than look pretty and smile for the camera on the big day. I did not expect them to do anything. Being a bridesmaid does not mean you are a slave to the bride. If the other two are helping you out I don't see what the problem is. Why are your bridesmaids paying for your favours? Assume it is their wedding present to you. And as you haven't actually asked her to do anything maybe she doesn't think she needs to.

kenobi · 07/10/2011 16:26

But she hasn't turned up to everything.

I don't know... I'm not saying that bridesmaids have to hand over her life to brides, but if she's a good friend surely she'd at least try and be interested?

It is a big deal getting married, and it's a big complement to be asked to be a bridesmaid. I'd listen to a friend wittering on about flowers and whatnot because I cared about them (even if I was dying inside), and I'd sure as hell try and make it to stuff.

Deliaskis · 07/10/2011 16:28

Have you asked her if she's OK? Chatted to her about what's going on in her life at the moment? Maybe she's having a tough time and your wedding is just not at the top of her list.

D

lec0rnsillk · 07/10/2011 16:28

'I feel like she just wants to turn up on the day and pose for pictures .'
what else is a bridesmaid supposed to do? Confused

kenobi · 07/10/2011 16:28

But GOD I'm glad my bridesmaids were 4 and 6 respectively and there were no murky political friendship undercurrents going on there... Grin

witherhills · 07/10/2011 16:29

bridesmaids wear a nice dress, help you have fun, they are there to help as friends, if you need it. And, I can't really be bothered anymore
yabu

Oakmaiden · 07/10/2011 16:29

I originally was going to have 3 bridesmaids. And then a couple of months before the wedding one of my bridesmaids announced that she was getting married - the week before me, so she couldn't come to my wedding as she would be away on honeymoon...

That did sort of spoil our friendship. I regret having let it do so, now.

FearTricksPotter · 07/10/2011 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meditrina · 07/10/2011 16:30

I'm another who doesn't see a role for bridesmaid other than on the day, plus necessary dress/shoe fittings. I'm amazed that people expect more, but have learned from this thread that different people have different assumptions.

So YABU to expect someone automatically to share your view.

If you want a wedding planner, it's probably better to hire one.

sausagesandmarmelade · 07/10/2011 16:31

what else is a bridesmaid supposed to do?

My 2 did more than that...

They were really supportive in the run up and on the day itself....really enthusiastic and helpful.

I didn't ask for anything more...
Am really glad I chose them.

The one who I let go it transpired really didn't want the role (due to personal circumstances) but she was great in helping on the day and it was nice to have her come along to my dress fittings.

worraliberty · 07/10/2011 16:32

I bet Pippa Middleton didn't have all this crap Grin

Bloodymary · 07/10/2011 16:32

AAARGH, why oh why are weddings soo complicated these days?

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 07/10/2011 16:33

What does she actually need to do in order to be your bridesmaid that she is not currently doing?

If you can identify those things and ask her to do them, I am sure she will.

You know, those things that if she doesn't do - she won't know what to do / she won't be prepared etc etc

What are they?

LittleMissFlustered · 07/10/2011 16:33

This is why I think all bridesmaids should be small children. Frock, shoes and rictus grinning. Sorted! Grin

vixsatis · 07/10/2011 16:35

Good Lord. Why do people get so self-obsessed in the run up to a wedding? Why do you need your bridesmaids to be "there for you"?

There is nothing terribly complicated about organising a wedding and no reason why bridesmaids should be required to do anything other than turn up, smile and wear what the bride has bought for them without saying that they think it hideous

ShellyBoobs · 07/10/2011 16:36

"I originally had 3 adult BMs and let one go (fairly early on) because I too found the lack of enthusiasm quite hurtful..."

Blimey, I bet she was gutted. I'm surprised she didn't take you to a tribunal for unfair dismissal. Grin

TheBloodCountessBathory · 07/10/2011 16:36

Oakmaiden - one of my bridesmaids announced she was getting married a week before me! (She was still my bridesmaid on the day though!)

I was just going to add that I didn't realise that being a bridesmaid was a job as such - I thought you just had to turn up to dress fittings and the hen night - then calm the bride's nerves on the day and look pretty in the pictures. What else is there??

RubyLovesMayMay · 07/10/2011 16:36

If you've got mostly everything for yourself anyway what is she supposed to do really? Confused

Psychic ablility is rarer than people think so if you spell out to her what you want her to do and she blatantly says no then YANBU

But if just want her to be calling you every 20 minutes and gushing about wedding stuff when she could actually have other important things going on in her life then YABVU

I think Brides people take this wedding roles thing a bit too seriously tbh

Bride, Groom and Vicar/Registar and witnesses are the only essential components to a wedding, everything is just a faff bonus.

thisisyesterday · 07/10/2011 16:36

yeah... ask her to do the stuff you want her to do

or if you really feel she couldn't care less then why not tell her you no longer need her as a fawning admirer bridesmaid

yippeekaiyay · 07/10/2011 16:36

I drank far too much at my bf's wedding and ended up tucking bridesamids dress in to knickers sO I could dance (bloody full length inconvenient dress)

Bf thought I was hysterical and made their night do (I don't remember it, apparently said dancing took place on a balcony overlooking the dancefloor and my mum was fuming)