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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

388 replies

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 15:55

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

OP posts:
cory · 07/10/2011 20:32

I did marry, Christina, and very happily too. But I still don't remember spending all that time thinking about my bridesmaids: I thought it was dh I was getting hitched to.

FessaEst · 07/10/2011 20:32

YABU and come across as a bit mad, sorry.

I do worry about people saying it's the biggest day of my life. It's such a massive statement, and surely, for most people, not true? Weddings are significant occasions, but there's a lot of years left afterwards for most people. Years that might include pregnancy, becoming a parent, education, qualifications, career changes, death, travel, adventure etc etc. I enjoyed my wedding, was serious about the public declaration of commitment I made and so on, but never thought that it was going to be the pinnacle of my earthly experiences.

I can see that you are frustrated by your friend, perhaps with reason in some instances, but do hope you can gain some perspective before you alienate more people and possibly the groom

KittyFane · 07/10/2011 20:32

u r b ?

Georgimama · 07/10/2011 20:36

What everyone else said about weddings and bridesmaids (apart from sausages who seems to be entirely on your wavelength OP). Particularly diyvspse ^^. You think it's an honour, she probably sees the run up as a bit of a chore she is prepared to tolerate on the basis that you are a mate and as a BM she has a high chance of pulling at the reception.

She isn't interested in favours, placecards, flowers, play lists, cake knives or anything else you are trying to interest her in. This has nothing to do with her not being a good friend and everything to do with bridezilla wedding plans being dull.

There are websites where other brides will swoon over every detail with you. Join one and do yourself and BM a favour.

TheVermiciousKnid · 07/10/2011 20:38

can you just stop all the u r b and all that shit

I'm with you there. It's turning me into a frothing berserkerzilla.

Oakmaiden · 07/10/2011 20:38

Sarah - I am not sure that AIBU is the best area for you to be posting in if you can't stand abbreviated responses. If someone asks "AIBU" then standard responses are "YABU" or "YANBU". Just the way it is. Not wanting to sound snide or mean (honestly!) cos I think you are a new poster?

CristinadellaPizza · 07/10/2011 20:38

Quite, cory, and I'm very glad to hear you're happy :)

KittyFane · 07/10/2011 20:39

What's u r b ? Sorry Blush

TheVermiciousKnid · 07/10/2011 20:40

Oakmaiden, I'm fairly sure Sarah referes to u = you, b = be, r = are used in the text, rather than AIBU etc. :)

Oakmaiden · 07/10/2011 20:41

Kitty - I assumed that Sarah was referring to YAB responses....

Oakmaiden · 07/10/2011 20:42

Oh, well in that case - I stand very corrected. :)

I hadn't noticed anyone doing it in this thread, though - and I do normally cos it gets up my nose too....

sarah1002 · 07/10/2011 20:42

Sorry, sorry yes itwas the text spk

sarah1002 · 07/10/2011 20:43

Oak, it's the OP!

KittyFane · 07/10/2011 20:44

:o
OP YABVU. BTW.

Thanks oakmaiden/ vermicious !

Oakmaiden · 07/10/2011 20:44

We could change the abbreviations here to urb/urnb? Then I don't look like such a pratt?

KittyFane · 07/10/2011 20:45

Sarah :o

TandB · 07/10/2011 20:48

Again. What is it that you want her to do for 2 weeks? Can you actually identify anything or is this just a general feeling of hard-done-by-ness?

sarah1002 · 07/10/2011 20:48

It reminds me of the old restaurant sketch.

f u n e x?

s v f x

f u n e m?

s v f m

OK l f m n x

Smile

Get ur head round that one, bridezy

FessaEst · 07/10/2011 20:48

X-post Cristina!!

KittyFane · 07/10/2011 20:49

God, I'm slow tonight.

txt as in text, u as in you, b as in be.

Blush
BelleEnd · 07/10/2011 20:51

FessaEst has it, I think. I'm very happily married to the love of my life, and we had a brilliant wedding, and a lovely celebration. But the happiest day of my life? No. And I'd feel very down the day after my wedding if I thought it was all downhill from there.

Really, OP, you must chill out. The only important thing is your commitment to your husband, and that your friends are there to see it if you so wish. Enjoy it, and look forward to married life!

Panzee · 07/10/2011 20:53

There's bound to be some advice on sacking unhelpful bridesmaids on forums.confetti.co.uk/. Over there it is a job.

PelvicFloorOfAAAAARGHSteel · 07/10/2011 21:00

I've been a BM 3 times and never knew you had to donate weeks of your life! Try on dress, wear dress, smile, shag best man (optional), what else is there to it?

YABU, slightly mad and decidedly bridezilla.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 07/10/2011 21:00

Sorry, I'm another one who thinks YABU.

I had 2 bm's, both good friends. We went out 1 day, spent an hour choosing patterns/ material for their dresses, then the next few hours supping cocktails (nearly left the material for the dresses on the train on the way home Blush) They then organised their own dressmaker (one of the girls' mum's made her dress), arranged their fittings (I suppose) to suit themselves, I had nothing to do with it- I trusted they would come dressed in something on the day Grin They chose their own shoes (but as they were my mates I would have known their shoe sizes anyway- we'd borrowed each other's shoes enough times)

One of them organised the hen night, and did a brilliant job of it, because she volunteered to do so. I was delighted. If she hadn't offered/ wanted to do it, I'd have cobbled something together myself. Have to admit, that bm was pretty proactive (she has always been the organised one of us!) and got involved in flowers/ my going away outfit, other bm wanted to come with me to choose my dress (which took a whole 2 hours. Then we had cocktails...)

Actually, we had a lot of cocktails, and a lot of fun. I never ever expected the girls to get so involved, and was really touched with everything they did. But I didn't expect it, and would not have demanded any of their time, never mind 2 weeks!

Also I never ever got this "my day, me me me" thing. My main focus of my wedding was the reception, making it fun and relaxing for my guests, welcoming people who had travelled and making sure everything was tailored around my ill mother. My biggest priority was getting her oxygen generator to the venue and ensuring there was disabled access. the joy of my wedding came from firstly the ceremony, where I got hitched to my DH, and then seeing all my friends and family enjoy themselves at the party.

IMO a wedding is about everyone. A marriage is about 2 people.

I do think you need to take a step back. If she is your friend first and foremost, who cares how "into" being a bm she is? There will be many times in your life when you actually need your friends. Your wedding isn't one of them

jkklpu · 07/10/2011 21:01

I do love "I literally swooped in to be by her side" - were you on a high-speed pteranodon at the time, Deathly?