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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a baby at 45?

606 replies

Hope88 · 05/10/2011 14:53

I am thinking about having another child. But I would like to have a bigger gap between children which means I would be getting near 45. If it all goes well. Do you think it's selfish to have a child at 45? I just think I would be a better mother if I wait opposed to rushing into it and being really stressed out. Your thoughts please.

OP posts:

Debs75 · 05/10/2011 14:55

How big will the gap be?
Is your dc likely to have nieces and nephes his/her age

45 isn't ancient to have a child but it does mean if you get pregnant at 45 your dc will be just 15 when you are 60.

Will you still be fertile at 45? My dsis went through the early menopause at just 35 which has stopped her from adding to her family

cjbartlett · 05/10/2011 14:57

and will you be able to afford a teenager at 60+
I know I'd like to reture at 65
I need my kids to be self sufficient by that time

KatAndKit · 05/10/2011 14:57

It isn't unreasonable but obviously you do need to be realistic about your chances of conceiving at 45 and carrying to term. Plenty of women do manage it and there are lots of success stories. But there are also plenty of women for whom 45 is just a bit too late, so perhaps if it is very important for you to have another child, you may be better cracking on with it sooner in case it takes a long time?

FreckledLeopard · 05/10/2011 14:57

My mother was 42 when she had me, my father 49. I was not planned! I have to say that growing up with parents an awful lot older than those of my friends (this was in the 1980s/early 90s) I was very aware of how much older my parents were. Friends often mistook them for my grandparents.

My father died when I was 17 (although his age was immaterial as he'd been exposed to asbestos, so actually it would have made no odds if he'd had me a lot younger). However, my mother is now in her early 70s, is suffering from significant memory loss, has had a heart attack and a large number of TIAs (mini-strokes). I am an only child, work full time and am spending lots of time worrying over my mother's health.

Obviously no-one can predict if they'll be healthy or not in their old age. However, chances are that a younger parent will probably be around as their children grow older and won't suffer the health issues that my mother is now suffering. I personally wouldn't want to have children past the age of 35.

Having said all that, a lot more people are having children far later in life so your child is unlikely to feel that they're the odd one out.

lovingthecoast · 05/10/2011 14:58

I don't think it's selfish at all. 45 isn't old though you'll certainly feel shattered. Ive just had my fourth and am in my early 40s. Definitely harder work this time from a physical perspective.

Obviously you need to consider your fertility as there's no getting around the fact that is diminishes rapidly after 40. So if by waiting you are happy to accept that it may not happen then go for it! No point in rushing into having another if it's not right for you at the moment. That's always a bad move.

Shinyshoes1 · 05/10/2011 14:58

I dont think YABU at all.

Good luck xx

AnyFucker · 05/10/2011 15:00

it's doable, but I wouldn't pin my hopes on being able to conceive at 45

conception rates take a massive nose dive after 40, and exponentially every year after that

if you really want a baby, I suggest getting on with it right now

Hardgoing · 05/10/2011 15:01

I don't think it's selfish to have a child at 45, but I don't think it is plannable in the way you are suggesting. Your fertilty will probably be in decline, who knows by how much. So, your question should be: could I cope with not having another child if I delay getting pregnant by a few years? If you could live with that, and are happy to see, then wait. If having another child is very very important to you, I would get on with it (having seen so many friends struggle with secondary infertility).

lovingthecoast · 05/10/2011 15:02

Freckled, my mother was killed by a drunk driver before she was 60 so you can't take it for granted that GPs will be around if they have children younger.

Also, we didn't even start considering it until 35. We wanted to be more financially secure etc. I understand what you're saying about having older parents but where we live, most people in the ante-natal groups are at least 35, many nearer 40 so these days I don't think it would be unusual or somethings kids would be teased about.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 05/10/2011 15:04

If you're sure you want another DC I think you should get started straightaway. The chances of conceiving after 40 are not that good and of course the risks associated with pregnancy are much higher in your forties. Would you rather have a smaller age gap and be a bit stressed or run the risk of not having another?

lesley33 · 05/10/2011 15:05

Agree you may not have the choice to have a baby at 45. TBH 60 does seem pretty old to have to look after a teenager. I know lots of people at 60 are still energetic with a young outlook. But there are also plenty of 60 year olds with chronic health problems, who tire easily. There is no way to tell how you might be at 60.

lesley33 · 05/10/2011 15:07

And I know parents die or get chronically ill at a much younger age. But the chances of this get much more as you get older. There is also your DH to consider. A third of men die before reaching 65 with many having chronic ill health from a younger age.

duvetdayplease · 05/10/2011 15:07

I don't think it's unreasonable. If you are not ready for another baby now, then wait.

I think you can't really plan life. If you're lucky, you'll be really sprightly at 60. Who knows? We just have to go with what we think is right and accept that fate could always chuck a great big hand grenade in at any point.

good luck!

cestlavielife · 05/10/2011 15:09

babies cannot always be planned when you getting "old" due to fertility issues and you would have to accept higher risks of abnormalities etc

(tho my Ds with issues is the one born first when i was 32! the youngest born when i was 37 is the fittest)

but some women do have healthy pregnancies and babies at 45, or older, so why not? jsut that if you plan it that way realise it might not actually happen...

verytellytubby · 05/10/2011 15:13

It's not for me but I always had a mental cut off of 35 and I'm definitely finished now (38)

To decide to have a baby at 45 is a gamble with fertility

Oggy · 05/10/2011 15:16

Most has already been said.

Everyone is different. I personally am looking forward to the fact that by the time I am 45 my children will be 13 and 14 so as they are starting to become a bit more independant I will still be "young". I can't imagine getting to that age and starting the whole business of newborn all over again.

But as I say, we are all different so what works for one doesn't work for another.

KatAndKit · 05/10/2011 15:18

After the age of 45 the chance of getting pregnant with your own eggs is 1% and the miscarriage rate is above 50%. Obviously all women start the perimenopause at different ages, but the above statistic would mean that it is not a great idea to have your heart set on having a baby at or after the age of 45 unless you are ok with the idea that another child might not happen after all.
If you don't want a baby yet, don't have one, but obviously take all the facts into account when you decide.
Some women do conceive with their own eggs after 45 but it is rare. If this is what you really want you may be looking at ivf with egg donation.
Perhaps you could consider paying for a private ovarian reserve test so you can get an idea of how long you have left as you might be one of the lucky ones who will be fertile for longer?

Oggy · 05/10/2011 15:22

OP - do you want a large age gap because of the stress of having two tiny ones around together? I ask because I have a small age gap (18 months) and there are stressful aspects but there are some definite advantages too (I think there are pros and cons). Smaller age gap is harder when they are very little I think, but can often pay off as they get older.

Not trying to change your mind on the age gap, just pointing out that small age gap isn't all bad news.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/10/2011 15:26

Freckled I don't think the old parents at the school gate thing applies anymore, at least I hope it doesn't. I'm 40 and about to have dc2 and I'm not in the slightest bit unusual amongst the pre-school parents or my friends. To have a 15yo at 60 is going to be no great shakes. However, to plan to have one at 45 is a bit different. You are dicing a bit with fertility then.

stripeywoollenhat · 05/10/2011 15:28

i think 45 is fine from a parenting point of view (hope so anyway - dp is 45 and dd2 due in december) but as others have said, maybe not from a fertility point of view - really, if you want another one, you should probably just go for it as soon as possible rather than waiting, if you're in your later 30s/early 40s.

goodnightmoon · 05/10/2011 15:28

well I'm going to be 42 for my second so 45 doesn't sound like a big deal to me. But I'm frankly gobsmacked it happened, after a bunch of miscarriages and unsuccessful fertility treatments before and after my first child. As someone said, it's almost impossible to conceive and if you do you're as likely as not to miscarry. So if you want another child, do it asap. Or maybe you have some embryoes on ice?
I'm also not thrilled at the prospect of raising teenagers to the age of 60 but that's how the cookie crumbled.

porcamiseria · 05/10/2011 15:29

I'd get cracking if I were you, as the older you are the risks increase. Now that said, many women have healthy babies at 45, but if I were you Id do it sooner rather than later. as some women are menopausal at 45....

BruciesDollyDealer · 05/10/2011 15:33

as someone the same age, i shudder at the thought of having another baby

another couple of years OH gets early retirement then we are off to spend the kids inheritance!! yay!

valiumredhead · 05/10/2011 15:34

What porcamiseria said. Good luck :)

ShoutyHamster · 05/10/2011 15:57

Not unreasonable at all, but putting it off when you're in/almost in your forties is asking for trouble (says she who is doing 'xactly that...eek :) )

Get on with it. (Shouted, both at you OP and into the mirror)

Good luck :)

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