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AIBU?

To have a baby at 45?

606 replies

Hope88 · 05/10/2011 14:53

I am thinking about having another child. But I would like to have a bigger gap between children which means I would be getting near 45. If it all goes well. Do you think it's selfish to have a child at 45? I just think I would be a better mother if I wait opposed to rushing into it and being really stressed out. Your thoughts please.

OP posts:

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Yellowstone · 06/10/2011 11:46

I think you misunderstood Aisling, I meant which university is that?

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Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 11:47

Birmingham.
Don't get upset vic,and dont accuse me of being sexist, etc .,I am only ageist!

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Dontbugmemalone · 06/10/2011 11:48

(thinks Yellowstone deserves a medal for 8 DC) :)

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Yellowstone · 06/10/2011 11:49

Oh OK. I was tempted to key the smart car of a smug looking 45yr old in Oxford. Not you then.

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Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 11:49

Nikos, my son is not shallow, given a choice they would all prefere to have younger ,more in touch (she says and ducks) parents.

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Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 11:51

Yes that was me Yellow! Very smug looking, all the oldie Mums envy me!

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Yellowstone · 06/10/2011 11:54

Well you're going to be 53 when your third DC goes to uni, that's not really the age to get too down with the kids either, tbf.

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Helltotheno · 06/10/2011 11:56

More in touch does not = younger and I had some pretty good examples of that around me when I was growing up. But I guess if you persist in saying the two concepts are one and the same, nothing anyone can do about that is there?

Oh and course younger does not necessarily = good parent, let's not forget that :)

To the poster above who mentioned about fertility going into overdrive before menopause, I actually read about this before. It's sometimes called 'the last fling of the ovaries'. Also about two years ago, I read a statistic from an abortion clinic saying that the second largest group (after young girls) of people looking for abortions was women in mid to late forties. So clearly it's absolutely possible for women to get pregnant at that age, but not possible for all women. (Typical of the way life is that a woman trying to mightn't be able to and a woman not wanting to will have an accident.. that's life :(

Anyway op, being a mum myself, I wouldn't want to deprive any woman of the joy of having a child if she wants to have one and I hope it works out for you :)

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Yellowstone · 06/10/2011 11:57

I think you've just said you offloaded your DS in Birmingham, not Oxford. You don't go on a laughing tour around university cities up and down the M40, surely?

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mrszimmerman · 06/10/2011 11:57

45 is younger than it was a generation ago.
I had my dd when I was 44 ( I think... I block out my age most of the time, well I was expecting her when I was 43)
my ds was 7 when she was born and she is the most wonderful thing to have ever happened after my ds!
We were very happy as a one child nuclear family but had not planned to be so, dd arrived and has just gilded the lily for us wonderful fabulous unexpected bonus.
She has taken the pressure off everyone in some ways, being an only child can sometimes be heavy if you're an anxious child, ime.
Pros - I appreciate her so much, I'm wiser and more able to love in an uncomplicated way now. When I was younger I was much more stressed and neurotic as a mother (I think, any way)
The cons are, obviously it's physically far more demanding than I expected, I wish I was as fit as Madonna (without the puffy face though, thanks, I'd rather look my age than like that!)

Good luck!

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KatAndKit · 06/10/2011 11:57

I wasn't aware being "down with the kids" was a requirement when you are being their parent, not one of their mates.
There are advantages to being younger and advantages to being older if you are lucky enough to manage it. I guess that's why the average woman goes somewhere in the middle and has kids in her 30s.

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MoChan · 06/10/2011 11:58

In any case, I still don't see why you would laugh at old people just because they are older than you. Why does anyone think it's okay to mock someone just because they are older? Do you mock 'ugly' people too?

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MoChan · 06/10/2011 12:00

Sorry, my last one was for Aislingorla

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mrszimmerman · 06/10/2011 12:01

Also, I believe there are advantages to every size of age gap.
My ds (10) is amazing with dd (3) he adores her and is really helpful too, I think I'm quite lucky though with that and don't know how long it will last.

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NotanOtter · 06/10/2011 12:02

I'd get your AMH tested now op to be on the safe side. I've been both the oldest and the youngest mum and oldest is far easier for me mentally.
Announcing my last pregnancy with' I know it looks impossible due to my age but....' was also odd!!!
It's nice being the youngest mum at university BUT not when your oldest son unlinks your arm when out shopping with the baby and says ' I can see people thinking it's my baby and you are my wife!'

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lovingthecoast · 06/10/2011 12:02

You're making way too many assumptions, Aisling.
I feel no need to be in control other when trying to safely negotiate the school run! All 4 will be who they will be and it will all be fine with me as long as they are kind, considerate and respectful (obv allowing for a blip between 13 and 21)
As for being a GP? Well it would be nice I guess but it's not something I ever give much thought to tbh. I wanted to have children not grandchildren. I don't intend or expect to live 5mins around the corner from my DDs and offer them childcare. If I am fortunate enough to ever become a GP then that will be a new adventure but it's not something I give any time over to thinking about.

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Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 12:04

Still lots younger than you'll be when your eldest goes to Uni., Yellow. (have I touched a nerve?) I live in Oxford, dropped him off at Birmingham 3 weeks ago!

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KatAndKit · 06/10/2011 12:05

You can't bank on becoming a grandma whatever age you have your kids. It isn't worth taking that into consideration as you have no idea if or when your kids will have children of their own. You could have kids at 20 and then they decide not to have any of their own.

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NotanOtter · 06/10/2011 12:08

Ailing and Yellowstone - ds gets lots of comments about his 'young mum' at his university ( not stealth boasting he finds it annoying) but says parents are much much older there... notably so

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Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 12:09

But loving, that is selfish, not giving much thought to being a Grandparent , they are an invaluable part of your childrens' lives. Mine live in Ireland and have never helped with childcare but are a very important part of my kids' lives.

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KatAndKit · 06/10/2011 12:10

No they aren't invaluable. They are lovely of course. And they do play an important role in your life. But in the days when life expectancy was lower a large amount of people managed fine without the full complement of 4 grandparents.

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Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 12:11

Bet he doesn't 'really' find it annoying Notan!

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nikos · 06/10/2011 12:12

This reply has been deleted

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KatAndKit · 06/10/2011 12:12

I, for example, got by fine without ever knowing my grandma that died soon after I was born in her mid sixties. I'm sure my mother would have loved her mum to be a grandma for longer but it was hardly selfish of her to have had my mum at 37 and then pop her clogs a bit earlier than expected.

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lovingthecoast · 06/10/2011 12:13

I don't think it's selfish. GP are lovely but not essential. My children do not have any living GP but that is not due to age. Two dies in their 40s from cancer so wouldn't have been around anyway. DH's father died in a work accident and my mother was killed by a drunk driver in her 50s. So even if DH and I had had children earlier, they wouldn't have had GPs.

I wasn't saying I would refuse to be a grandmother just that if it happened, it would just become one more part of my life rather than my life becoming all about being a grandparent.