To have a baby at 45?

[Hope88]

I am thinking about having another child. But I would like to have a bigger gap between children which means I would be getting near 45. If it all goes well. Do you think it's selfish to have a child at 45? I just think I would be a better mother if I wait opposed to rushing into it and being really stressed out. Your thoughts please.

[ValiumVal]

Before you do...ask yourself are you nuts?! I have a huge gap between my 4 kids and it has caused all sorts of problems. #1 Sleep...none on the cards for at least the next 5 years till your little one can turn on the telly and wait till you get up and make a bowl of cereal! #2 nights out...by the time your kids are old enough for you to go out your stuck again for the next 14 years! #3 school daze...you have to stand in the rain waiting for little ones to come out for at 3pm for at least the next 7 years! #4 school PTA not fun bitchy young women making plans for kids fairs, parties ect not taking notice of any of your experience! #5 losing you car...by time you get your car back for you to drive your loaning it out again making you destined to take the bus! #6 Holiday expense...Remember it is 3 times higher to go away with kids in tow than for the average adult to go to Greece for 3 weeks all inclusive! #7 phone bills...if you dont have a big phone bill now think twice. A kid at 14 again will just about bankrupt wanting the newest phone, computer, or Ipod. #8 clothing...your daughter will try to pinch your shoes, bags and clothes when she turns 17 because you have much sexier clothes than she does! #9 are you flipping nuts??!! #10 your sanity...see my nickname? Need I say any more? lol

[Bledkr]

come on tho,she's really rather cute with her surprise shock of red hair and i rather like her.

[thefirstMrsDeVeerie]

I do think you are overstating your case just a little bit. 'getting to me royally'.

Hardly.

But if it makes you happy to think so. Feel free.

[NotanOtter]

mops brow that Mumat45 and MrsDeVere frequent these boards

I am each end of the scale and love it ....older is much wiser though

[Bledkr]

notanotter How far is your scale? How are you finding it.I have one of 27 and one of 8 months mostly lovley but be interested to compare

[thefirstMrsDeVeerie]

my DD would have been nearly 20 .
DS1 is nearly 18
DS2 is 8
DS3 is 3
DS4 is 18mths

So my scale is not quite as broad as yours Bled !

I would lurve to have another but got OH sorted after no5 because I knew what I would be like. Nothing to do with age BTW we just dont have anymore room

[Lambzig]

Gosh this thread has gone crazy since my last post.

I just wanted to comment on the OP's question of "is she being selfish?" (hopefully she is still reading this) I think that most women have some reasons for getting pregnant that are about making them happy (potentially selfish) rather than purely altruistic. I got called selfish by one of my sisters and my best friend for having fertility treatment when I quote "there are so many unloved children in the world." This despite them both having two naturally conceived babies of their own. So my point is, it probably wouldnt be any more selfish than anyone else trying to get pregnant.

[Bledkr]

Mrs D Would Billy have been that old?blimey,Im guessing its no easier. I was about to downsize when Dilly had other ideas and slipped in before it was too late
lambzig there is always someone to critisise you for whatever you do,i think a lot of it is jealousy,ignore.

[brdgrl]

i agree, lambzig. everyone on this website could probably be labeled selfish when it comes down to it...which is one reason why judging the way someone else has decided to create their family is so pointless. i think only the OP can really know what is best for her family. (though it's great to hear and learn from the experiences of other older mums - and younger ones, too! - of course.)

[PeneloPeePitstop]

To the OP, (not engaging in the bun fight) please bear in mind that actually falling pregnant at that age and carrying to term are challenging. That's biology and it's unfair but that's the way it is. If you're prepared for the fact you may not be successful in trying at that age then fair enough.

WRT to the chromosomal defects and sn for older parents yes the likelihood does rise, but look how many younger parents also have children with sn... it literally could happen to anyone.

[pandorasbox21]

I havent read the whole thread but imo I think it is a bit old. The very few people, both men and women who have become parents at similar ages have really struggled. I think its very hard to do and not something I would personally ever consider.

[thefirstMrsDeVeerie]

I know, its hard to believe she would be 20 in January. A big grown up adult.
It gets harder.
My DS3 is so much like her.

[mumat45]

pandorasbox - do you mean they struggled to give birth to a healthy child or that they are struggling as parents?

I know plenty of parents in their 40s, none of whom are struggling as parents. Some struggled to get pregnant as did many of my friends who are 10 years younger.

One thing that was really in my favour was that I was very relaxed each time rather than actively trying but appreciate not many people can be in that situation in their 40's.

Number one was with a new partner and conceived at first attempt which was very unxpected and not really planned. Second and third were conceived whilst still breastfeeding which I thought would prevent conception for someone in their 40's so again was I very relaxed as not really planning to try properly until I had managed to stop breastfeeding.

If there is anyway to relax I would so recommend it to help.

Also any concerns regarding the increased risk then get a nuchal fold and possibly cvs too at Fetal Medicine Centre in London. Fantastic service. I have used them for all my scans for all 3 and cant fault them in anyway. Would higly recommend the CVS too as you have results before anyone need know you are pregnant unlike amnio so you can make your decisions without being judged. Fetal medicine centre are able to see so much more than our local NHS scans and treat you properly.

Good luck to anyone who is trying.

[jugglingwithpumpkins]

tfMDV -
Lovely I guess, though poignant, that DS3 is so like her.

[NotanOtter]

bledkr PM'd you!

Mrs DV so sad ...can't believe how time has passed.

[maypole1]

cjbartlett agreed my dad is 60 and my brother is 9 my step mum is 50

They will both have to work until they die a sate pension will not pay for a teenager collage and uni, driving lessons, starter home or a wedding and sadly the likely hood of him seeing my brothers grand children are almost nil


My dad defo has less energy cannot play in the park with brother as he has heart problems already had one stroke and has high blood pressure



They worry how they can save for old Age and support a teen and young adult answer is they can't most prob will have to use any savings they have at this moment to put aside in case they get I'll or die so I can afford to take him him and also that have money to cover the funeral


Personally it's pissed me off as they went ahead with the mind set well if we die he has older siblings that can take him I very selfish

[maypole1]

PeneloPeePitstop the issue is though with having a increased risk of having a sn child at a older age is that what will happen when you die or you are more likely to become unwell yourself at a earlier stage in your dds life than if you were younger


Having a sn child is hard at the best of times I don't think many 60 year olds would be coping very well with a teen who has downs

[CreakyFun]

Haven't read the thread just the OP. I had ds when I was 43. Only child. He's gorgeous. I am managing fine. Better than a lot of my much younger married friends manage.

And my husband fucked off when ds was a small baby so doing it alone too.

HOWEVER ......[clears throat] Take heed:

I am very aware that I am destined to die early and horribly, simply because I have a son. Who will then be orphaned. So I making sure that we have a bloody great time while I am still here to enjoy the few and frugal years left to me. It makes me very sad to know that I only have a few years left of actually being alive - unlike when you have a baby at 33 and you have all those extra years. I will leave ds a long and distressing letter in my will, apologising for being so bloody selfish and shit to have had him at the ancient age of 43 and begging his forgiveness. Then I will dance in heaven while he spends the 3 hundred grand that he will inherit from me.

[Floggingmolly]

Creakyfun, Good girl yourself

[CreakyFun]

Well Jeez, I have two friends who died in their thirties, breast cancer and a car crash.

[CreakyFun]

sorry, had and they left behind three children. Life can be shit and people die. If I die my son will be three and in turmoil. Hopefully I won't. If I do, well then I do.

[brdgrl]

a state pension will not pay for a teenager collage and uni, driving lessons, starter home or a wedding

see, that's a funny thing, neither will i! when DD wants uni, driving lessons, a starter home and a wedding, she'll be bloody paying for them herself. i might throw something in the hat, of course.

[brdgrl]

and i'd have said the same at twenty-five. (with more youthful energy in my voice, of course!)

[NotanOtter]

you need mental stamina not muscle power to cope with teens

that get's stronger with age!!!

[CreakyFun]

Agreed..my parents haven't given me a penny since the forgotten mists of time.

I am very concerned however, that because I am so frigging ancient, my son won't know to haggle for a line of decent coke. Or bargain his way out of a gunfight on the tube. I have made provisions. Provisions:

In letter I advise him to forget Uni as it's too expensive to bother with unless you are determined to be a vet or lawyer/brain surgeon etc, to bypass the misery of a starter home and get a camper van instead. No council tax or shitty scary unpredictable bills. And decent flooring. Then have your sex and babies when you like. Eevryone else has but now there's a damned recession it's all got precious and clinical.