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AIBU?

To have a baby at 45?

606 replies

Hope88 · 05/10/2011 14:53

I am thinking about having another child. But I would like to have a bigger gap between children which means I would be getting near 45. If it all goes well. Do you think it's selfish to have a child at 45? I just think I would be a better mother if I wait opposed to rushing into it and being really stressed out. Your thoughts please.

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Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 11:07

Hmm... loving, I take it yours are not teens yet! You are in control when they're younger. You 've planned it all, waited untill you were ready, etc. and then they grow up and get minds of their own and big crisis for 'control freak Momoa' she gets told where to go and quite right too!
( PS, we were not 'ready' to have out first, when can you ever really be? we just got on with it, over planning is not always the best way!)

ilovemydogandMrObama · 06/10/2011 11:08

Isn't there a hyper fertility before the menopause?

MoChan · 06/10/2011 11:09

Given the fact that there are so MANY 'older mothers' these days, I find it hard to imagine that their children will feel embarrassed/get picked on by others for having older parents... Most of the women I know in my village who are currently pregnant/caring for children under five are in a 37 - 45 age bracket, and I think that the 'older mum' is very well represented at our school-gate... I appreciate that the village I live in IS full of women who clearly delayed motherhood because they were concentrating on their careers, and this situation wouldn't necessarily be the same everywhere. But I certainly don't think the children in this village will be worrying about those concerns, because if anything, the children with the younger parents are in the minority. Not sure what this is adding, but I do think the "they will get picked on" thing isn't really the strongest argument against having babies later.

To be honest, when I was about fifteen, I thought it would be a really great idea to have my children starting from 16, so that they'd all be independent by the time I was in my forties. But you know, I didn't meet anyone I was happy to have children with then. I didn't meet HIM until I was 33. I don't think it was selfish of me to wait for the right person. And if I have another one, it will probably (if it works) happen when I am 40-ish (I am 38 now, and thinking about TTC). I want my DD to have a full time sibling (she currently has two half siblings and misses them when they are gone). I don't see what's wrong with that.

nikos · 06/10/2011 11:09

Sounds like you have problems with your teens!!

Blu · 06/10/2011 11:11

Everyoone in my NCT group was over 40.

lovingthecoast · 06/10/2011 11:11

What makes you assume I'm a control freak? Because we waited until later when we could afford it?

Mine are currently 8, 6, 4 and newborn so no, not teenagers yet but I'm fully expecting them to have minds of their own and to want to make their own decisions and do as they please. If they don't I'll have failed somewhere along the line, surely?

It will be lovely when the all bugger off to uni/work whatever and DH and I can travel again and live back in a flat in the city centre!

MoChan · 06/10/2011 11:11

Having said that, though, I wouldn't be planning to wait until 45 - I would worry that that is leaving it a little bit late.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 11:14

loving, you will be too exhausted and old to do anything by the time yours have left home!

KatAndKit · 06/10/2011 11:15

Hyperfertility before the menopause is something I have never heard of. Standard advice says your fertility declines with every passing year from the age of 25.
A woman's ovaries produce more follicles later on because the FSH hormone increases before the menopause. However follicles do not equal healthy eggs being produced. I think this is why women who are a bit older have a higher chance of multiple birth if they do conceive successfully. But the problem is that although the ovaries work harder with producing the follicles, the older your eggs are, the less likely they are to produce a baby. Some women are luckier than others in this respect and plenty of women do have kids in their mid 40s.

Kids will pick on other kids for just about any reason. If your parents are the "right age" they will pick on your for something else instead if they want to.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 11:16

We had a good laugh at the 'geriactics' dropping their kids off at Uni. Stealth boasting? No, full on boasting! Our son was chuffed to have such (reasonably young)parents!

CristinadellaPizza · 06/10/2011 11:23

Never heard of that Ilovemydog but I conceived very easily both times I got pregnant after the age of 40. But my sister started her menopause when she was 39 so there are no guarantees.

I personally wouldn't wait until your mid 40s before TTC to have a bigger gap, I'd get on and do it. Having conceived very easily at 42, I'm in peri-menopause at 46

vic77en · 06/10/2011 11:25

What were you laughing about Aisling?
I really don't understand your post.
When I was dropped off at university, the last thing I noticed was how old my parent was compared to others, was far more interested in trying to cover up the breezeblock walls of my halls with posters and finding the bar.

lovingthecoast · 06/10/2011 11:27

Why have a good laugh?

I would wholeheartedly encourage my kids to follow the same path if that's what they want. I want them to enjoy their own life before giving it over to parenthood. IMO, your 20s is the best time to do that. Get your education, travel, meet lots of people and enjoy your own life first. I have no regrets and had a whale of a time back then. I also have every intention of still having a life after they've left home as long as I'm physically able as many people are in their 60s and 70s these days.

If it's not to be, it's not to be. I've done it all already and I'm now loving this stage of mum with young kids. All our friends are at the same stage too so it feels normal both for us and the kids. Apart from feeling thankful that I am now able to provide for them better financially, I also think I'm calmer and more emotionally mature than I would have been 20yrs ago.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 11:30

This reply has been deleted

What dont you understand vic? Of course we laughed, some of them had zimmer frames!

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 11:32

Yes loving, you've got it all under control and everything will go according to (your) plans.
If you encourage your children to have children as late as you did you 'll be a very old Grandmother, if at all!

eurochick · 06/10/2011 11:33

So you were laughing at physically frail people? Well done you. What great parenting.

Some of the people dropping kids off at uni might well have been grandparents. Mine came to pick me and all my crap up once when my parents couldn't get away from work.

KatAndKit · 06/10/2011 11:34

Laughing at people with mobility problems? You sound charming.

A childs parents will generally do the best they can for the child regardless of their age. Are you suggesting people who get pregnant at an age when they thought it was safe to dispense with contraception should not continue with their pregnancies because they will be too old to have teens?

In any case, for most people 45 and over this is a non-issue unless they use ivf. If they do have a baby at that age that is their choice and there is no harm in them making it.

vic77en · 06/10/2011 11:34

Are you for real?

Did you also laugh at those who turned up with only one parent? Or none?
Or those whose parents had a disability?
Heaven forbid anyone who turned up with same-sex parents.

Jeez

nikos · 06/10/2011 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Yellowstone · 06/10/2011 11:37

Aisling you may possibly be giving yourself too much credit. I spent Monday sorting out my eldest three DD at university (they're at the same place) and there were dozens and dozens of 45yr olds there. You're really not that unusual. I'd save your boasts for something real.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 11:39

Eh.. euro, I was joking, they're old but not that old!
They are the parents, we introduced ourselves as their kids were sharing with ours! Come to think of it, one of them was wearing a coat just like my mother's!

Yellowstone · 06/10/2011 11:40

OP I had my eighth DC when I was 44 and she's fine, no problems with pregnacy or childbirth at all.

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Yellowstone · 06/10/2011 11:43

Which university Aisling?

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 11:43

It depends on the Uni, yellowstone, lots of oldies where my son is at!

Dontbugmemalone · 06/10/2011 11:46

OP- I don't think it's too old but if I were in that situation, I would be concerned about health complications etc. I had my DS at 20 and feel that I might not have the same 'energy' if I had a baby later on. i hope that makes sense :)

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