To have a baby at 45?

[Hope88]

I am thinking about having another child. But I would like to have a bigger gap between children which means I would be getting near 45. If it all goes well. Do you think it's selfish to have a child at 45? I just think I would be a better mother if I wait opposed to rushing into it and being really stressed out. Your thoughts please.

[nothingbyhalves]

my dad was 42 when i was born, now at 77 he ( with the help of my 70 year old mum) looks after my 20 month old twins 3 times a fortnight. My father in law is 5 years younger and house bound. Age is a state of mind! Liz hurley, is 46, Julianne Moore is 50 , Madonna is in her 50's. I really believe 50 is the new 40! Good luck!

[Bramshott]

Women in their 40s have always had kids - just in the past they were usually numbers10, 11 and 12! In the past it was very, very normal to keep on having kids right up to the menopause.

[CreakyFun]

haha at thefirst. Now that I am so old and arthritic I only do boil in the bag in the microwave. Fortunately I have taught ds to count to 150 which, at 3, will stand him in good stead for when I die of old age in six minutes from now.

At least he will be able to remove the bag and eat it while waiting for someone young and vibrant with much older children, to find my decomposing body and rusting zimmer.

[thefirstMrsDeVeerie]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaah


My eldest boy is 17. I am in my mid 40s so had him dead on average age for that time - 27.

There is no starter home or car or subs for uni in his future.

Having children younger doesnt make you suddenly upper middle class with a large annual sum (as they say in costume dramas) when your children reach their teens.

I suppose we could start a debate fight about whether people who cant afford to send their kids to university and buy them a house should be allowed to have children at all.

I warn you - this could lead to a shortage of staff at some point in the future and its hard enough to find a decent cook as it is.

[brdgrl]

creaky, i must follow your example for baby DD. or maybe i should just start planning her wedding now, in case i am not around for it (she was around for mine, so surely that must count for something?). i will begin immediately on an ice sculpture. and i will sew her a bee-yoo-tee-ful gown from my lady tena liners and support hose.

[CreakyFun]

Sadly he is only three and not able to read. Apart from Biff Chip and Kipper................Which, weirdly, seem to be as long-standing as Janet and John were in my day.

Ah the exuberance of youth and ..

trails off.

[CreakyFun]

Agreed..my parents haven't given me a penny since the forgotten mists of time.

I am very concerned however, that because I am so frigging ancient, my son won't know to haggle for a line of decent coke. Or bargain his way out of a gunfight on the tube. I have made provisions. Provisions:

In letter I advise him to forget Uni as it's too expensive to bother with unless you are determined to be a vet or lawyer/brain surgeon etc, to bypass the misery of a starter home and get a camper van instead. No council tax or shitty scary unpredictable bills. And decent flooring. Then have your sex and babies when you like. Eevryone else has but now there's a damned recession it's all got precious and clinical.

[NotanOtter]

you need mental stamina not muscle power to cope with teens

that get's stronger with age!!!

[brdgrl]

and i'd have said the same at twenty-five. (with more youthful energy in my voice, of course!)

[brdgrl]

a state pension will not pay for a teenager collage and uni, driving lessons, starter home or a wedding

see, that's a funny thing, neither will i! when DD wants uni, driving lessons, a starter home and a wedding, she'll be bloody paying for them herself. i might throw something in the hat, of course.

[CreakyFun]

sorry, had and they left behind three children. Life can be shit and people die. If I die my son will be three and in turmoil. Hopefully I won't. If I do, well then I do.

[CreakyFun]

Well Jeez, I have two friends who died in their thirties, breast cancer and a car crash.

[Floggingmolly]

Creakyfun, Good girl yourself

[CreakyFun]

Haven't read the thread just the OP. I had ds when I was 43. Only child. He's gorgeous. I am managing fine. Better than a lot of my much younger married friends manage.

And my husband fucked off when ds was a small baby so doing it alone too.

HOWEVER ......[clears throat] Take heed:

I am very aware that I am destined to die early and horribly, simply because I have a son. Who will then be orphaned. So I making sure that we have a bloody great time while I am still here to enjoy the few and frugal years left to me. It makes me very sad to know that I only have a few years left of actually being alive - unlike when you have a baby at 33 and you have all those extra years. I will leave ds a long and distressing letter in my will, apologising for being so bloody selfish and shit to have had him at the ancient age of 43 and begging his forgiveness. Then I will dance in heaven while he spends the 3 hundred grand that he will inherit from me.

[maypole1]

PeneloPeePitstop the issue is though with having a increased risk of having a sn child at a older age is that what will happen when you die or you are more likely to become unwell yourself at a earlier stage in your dds life than if you were younger


Having a sn child is hard at the best of times I don't think many 60 year olds would be coping very well with a teen who has downs

[maypole1]

cjbartlett agreed my dad is 60 and my brother is 9 my step mum is 50

They will both have to work until they die a sate pension will not pay for a teenager collage and uni, driving lessons, starter home or a wedding and sadly the likely hood of him seeing my brothers grand children are almost nil


My dad defo has less energy cannot play in the park with brother as he has heart problems already had one stroke and has high blood pressure



They worry how they can save for old Age and support a teen and young adult answer is they can't most prob will have to use any savings they have at this moment to put aside in case they get I'll or die so I can afford to take him him and also that have money to cover the funeral


Personally it's pissed me off as they went ahead with the mind set well if we die he has older siblings that can take him I very selfish

[NotanOtter]

bledkr PM'd you!

Mrs DV so sad ...can't believe how time has passed.

[jugglingwithpumpkins]

tfMDV -
Lovely I guess, though poignant, that DS3 is so like her.

[mumat45]

pandorasbox - do you mean they struggled to give birth to a healthy child or that they are struggling as parents?

I know plenty of parents in their 40s, none of whom are struggling as parents. Some struggled to get pregnant as did many of my friends who are 10 years younger.

One thing that was really in my favour was that I was very relaxed each time rather than actively trying but appreciate not many people can be in that situation in their 40's.

Number one was with a new partner and conceived at first attempt which was very unxpected and not really planned. Second and third were conceived whilst still breastfeeding which I thought would prevent conception for someone in their 40's so again was I very relaxed as not really planning to try properly until I had managed to stop breastfeeding.

If there is anyway to relax I would so recommend it to help.

Also any concerns regarding the increased risk then get a nuchal fold and possibly cvs too at Fetal Medicine Centre in London. Fantastic service. I have used them for all my scans for all 3 and cant fault them in anyway. Would higly recommend the CVS too as you have results before anyone need know you are pregnant unlike amnio so you can make your decisions without being judged. Fetal medicine centre are able to see so much more than our local NHS scans and treat you properly.

Good luck to anyone who is trying.

[thefirstMrsDeVeerie]

I know, its hard to believe she would be 20 in January. A big grown up adult.
It gets harder.
My DS3 is so much like her.

[pandorasbox21]

I havent read the whole thread but imo I think it is a bit old. The very few people, both men and women who have become parents at similar ages have really struggled. I think its very hard to do and not something I would personally ever consider.

[PeneloPeePitstop]

To the OP, (not engaging in the bun fight) please bear in mind that actually falling pregnant at that age and carrying to term are challenging. That's biology and it's unfair but that's the way it is. If you're prepared for the fact you may not be successful in trying at that age then fair enough.

WRT to the chromosomal defects and sn for older parents yes the likelihood does rise, but look how many younger parents also have children with sn... it literally could happen to anyone.

[brdgrl]

i agree, lambzig. everyone on this website could probably be labeled selfish when it comes down to it...which is one reason why judging the way someone else has decided to create their family is so pointless. i think only the OP can really know what is best for her family. (though it's great to hear and learn from the experiences of other older mums - and younger ones, too! - of course.)

[Bledkr]

Mrs D Would Billy have been that old?blimey,Im guessing its no easier. I was about to downsize when Dilly had other ideas and slipped in before it was too late
lambzig there is always someone to critisise you for whatever you do,i think a lot of it is jealousy,ignore.

[Lambzig]

Gosh this thread has gone crazy since my last post.

I just wanted to comment on the OP's question of "is she being selfish?" (hopefully she is still reading this) I think that most women have some reasons for getting pregnant that are about making them happy (potentially selfish) rather than purely altruistic. I got called selfish by one of my sisters and my best friend for having fertility treatment when I quote "there are so many unloved children in the world." This despite them both having two naturally conceived babies of their own. So my point is, it probably wouldnt be any more selfish than anyone else trying to get pregnant.