To have a baby at 45?

[Hope88]

I am thinking about having another child. But I would like to have a bigger gap between children which means I would be getting near 45. If it all goes well. Do you think it's selfish to have a child at 45? I just think I would be a better mother if I wait opposed to rushing into it and being really stressed out. Your thoughts please.

How old are you now, OP, and how old are your DC?

I had my 2 at 38 and 40, close together. They were that close because I didn't want to risk getting much older and struggling to conceive. It's hard work, but hopefully they'll be friends when they get a bit older which will make it easier as DH and I get older. My parents had their DC5 at 40, and coped just fine.

I'm with a lot of other posters here - 45 in itself isn't a problem, but it is a risk that you might not be able to have one at all then. Why do you not want to go for it any sooner?

We had a 20 year gap between DD and DS2. So quite a healthy gap. So now we have 27yo, 25yo, 5yo, and 2yo. It's not a gap I'd recommend to everyone - it was more circumstances than anything. But it does mean the older siblings are definitely able to help out with babysitting.

I had DS2 when I was 40 and DS3 when I was 43. We had 4 m/c between them, so it's not always straightforward at that age. We were lucky and did not have to have any medical interventions. But unexpected things can happen - one of my sisters went through early menopause, another had to have a hysterectomy - both in their late 30s - so that pretty much put a stop to having any more babies for them.

Has the OP been scared away?

I remember screaming at my OH 'I dont want to be having babies at FOURTY!!!' when we argued about having more DCs after DD and DS1. He told me to wait never again- I thought having babies in your 40s was appalling.

Until I hit my late 30s of course. Then it seemed perfectly reasonable.

I hope the OP doesnt do this thread on the 'other' forum. The replies she will get their will send her off to get the implant fitted in both arms

Swimming against the general tide here. 45 is very old to be having a baby. Trends might indicate an uptick in older mothers, but the fact remains that it is almost impossible to conceive naturally, get to term and deliver a healthy baby at that age. As someone said upthread, the age of menopause is not coming down. Biological age is biological age and there are very very good reasons not to have a baby this late in your reproductive life.

I know several people who have had late babies (40 and older). All struggled to conceive and none has a healthy child.

I also have quite a few friends who for various reasons have had to have a hysterectomy in their early 40's. Luckily none had been planning to have a baby at this age.

I do have a friend who got pregnant with ivf and had a healthy baby at 43. But it is a much bigger risk than if you are younger. I also don't think its fair to plan to have a teenager when you are 60.

Lots of interesting and mixed comments here, I can only speak from my experience and hope it will help you a little. I had my last child at 45, he was unplanned and my other children were all older - 25 - 16 years. I had so many sleepless nights as to whether or not to keep the baby, I have no issues with termination, but it didn't feel right, though I was so unsure about keeping the baby. I worried about my age and the effect on the child both physically and emotionally (school bullying etc), I worried about my physical and emotional health am quite fit but still you never know and I suffered from PND in the past. My life was just getting easier as DC more or less independent and I was halfway through my MA and hopefully a new career after struggling financially for years. I felt unsure of how my DC would react - last thing 20 somethings and teenagers want to hear is that their mum is pregnant. So in theory there were many negatives surrounding me - I also worried about what other people would say - again I expected bad responses.In the end after counselling and listening to my heart, I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and hoped all would be ok.

It was - I had a great pregnancy as good as when I had my first when I was 20, no problems. I had all the tests and thank god all were ok. I worked through the pregnancy and coped with stroppy teenagers etc and was fine. I did end uphaving a C section as he was 2 weeks late and as I had a history of placenta previa and began to bleed after a sweep they decided on this which was fine. I was awake and DH saw him come out - huge at 10lbs 10oz- and perfect. My DD was with me straight away afterwards and all other DC camee to see us that evening, it was lovely to be fussed by my DC . They were all fine about it - though some did voice their initial reservations when I announced the pregnancy. Others reactions were also positive, though I'm sure behind my back there were looks of horror! One woman actually said she would of died if she found out she was pregnant which I felt was a bit OTT.

He is 3 in 2 weeks time and absolutely gorgeous - can't believe that 2 oldies like me and DH produced such a beautiful boy. He is bright and happy - all that a toddler should be and there are no signs of any issues with him at all. It is hard to adjust to the lack of freedom I had, and getting used to spending my weekends in parks again is tough when all I sometimes want is to be in costa with a good book, but thats a small price to pay for what we have. I am fitter than before having him as I spend less on bottles of wine and meals out. He has his neice and nephew to play with (5 and 2.5) and goes to nursery a couple of afternoons a week. I agree with others that parenting a teenager at 60 appears daunting, but having done it when in my thirties I know it is hard going at any age and I think it also depends on the DC themselves - some of mine were easier than others all due to their personality I think. It is a gamble and no-one can know for certain how things will pan out - you can only do what feels right to you. My expereince has been a positive one and I consider myself very lucky to have been given another chance at motherhood. I really hope it works out for you and hope that I have given you some positive feedback.

I havnt got a problem with the age as long as the baby is wanted and loved.

I do have an issue when consequences arn't considered. (Eg health or family support ) I married into a family where number 1 was 28 and number 2 was 25 when number 3 arrived.

my mil is knackered and totally does not understand teenagers in her 60's! She expects us to do the teen talks and discipline line, which as you can imagine gets laughed at! If she is naughty she is sent to us, as 'tween' is only a year or 2 older than our eldest.

I feel very sad for 'tween' as she has spent her life around adults, her parents friends are all the same age and older, and she has a very lonely time of it, school should be a blessing, but she struggles and so it isnt a great experience. sometimes i think younger siblings would of been a perfect solution in this case, rather than the huge gap there is, but then i realise it wouldnt just be one child packed off to me, it would be 2 or 3! they did try for more.

Here the pecking order is my children first and she craves attention, so can be quite spiteful, so our relationship is strained. I did put my foot down and this summer refused to have her for weeks on end, (I dont work, mil does) which caused issues!

it also depends on where you live. I am 40 and the vast majority of mothers at DS1's primary school are around my age. In my social circle we all waited until our 30's to have children. However, I can see that in a different demographic, being an older mum would not be the norm and may lead to the child being teased.

there is no right answer, clearly. Some people resent their older parents, others see that their young parents were self-centred and clueless. some people live to a healthy old age, others die young.

the question also depends very much on the OP's circumstances. If she has frozen embryoes, she has a lot less to fear on the fertility/miscarriage front.

I think it is ageist though to suggest there is some threshold for women where it's no longer acceptable to have children, yet this doesn't seem to apply to men.

there are worse things in life than being mistaken for a grandparent. This can easily happen to parents who have their kids in their 30s anyway.

BabyDubsEverywhere, I think 30 is very young for a cut off and Im surprised you felt that way growing up if your parents were just in their 30s. I have to say that where we live, and lived when we started having babies, mothers in their 20s were very unusual and I would have thought struggled to fit in at groups. Virtually no new mums were under 35 and at 38, there were plenty older than me. I think at 25 I would have felt very alienated at all the nct coffee mornings and baby massage classes etc if all the other mums were at least 10yrs older than me.

Also, from a personal pov, we just couldn't have afforded it in our mid 20s when we were still paying off student debt etc. For me, waiting took away those additional financial worries. I'm early 40s now and have just had number 4. We're definitely done as I am starting to feel too old to cope with the physical demands of pregnancy. But who knows how much of that is also having 3 other young kids to run after.

I think the OP really needs to consider her own fertility and whether she's be ok if waiting meant it not happening at all. If she's fit and healthy with a supportive partner and manages to conceive then she shouldn't worry too much about her age.

We all think 45 is ancient when we're 25!

The real challenges occur when you have teens not pre schoolers. People dont think of that.

We did think of that. However, we weighed it up against having a homelife backed up by financial security.

Isn't it irritating people boasting about how 'right on' they are because they had their kids under thirty, as if there's an unwritten rule that you have to have your kids under thirty otherwise you'll be a crap parent to your teens? Wtf ?!

The reality is parenting has nothing to do with age and all to do with the type of person you are and the dynamic there is in your relationship, if you're with someone. My ex-babysitter's mum had her at 46, unplanned, after having other kids younger. This girl is now 21 and one of the most mature 21 year olds I know. Her mum is great fun, really lively and v energetic. As it happens, I know of a few other similar situations.
No point factoring in whether you'll be alive either cos anyone can die at any time.

In saying all that, we're slaves to our nature and your fertility won't be as strong then as it was so you have to be realistic about your chances from a physical perspective.
Good luck with it!

I am not alone at the school gates by any means. Dare I say that it is quite a middle class thing to do to have your children late in life? All my friends from university also have under 10s - I only have one friend who is my age with a teenager ...

Most of my friends have also had kids either very late 20s or 30s. I think you can be a good parent at a later age. If someone has a baby at 45 of course they do the best they can. It isn't a wrong or selfish thing to do at all, and for a number of people it just happens that way and they just get on with it.

I don't think it's at all selfish or unreasonable. Just unrealistic to set your heart on it happening.

Our kids go to school in a very rich catchment and older mothers are the norm. So can't see how teasing would happen as all children in the same boat. Think it very much depends on where you live and have wondered if it will eventually become cool to have older parents, as it generally means you have had a life pre children.

I know two women who have had children at 44/45. It was very hard for them to get pregnant, they had all the tests, but did have gorgeous healthy children who are now starting school. So, it's no a myth that this happens, but it is rare. And I'm pretty sure they both had fertility treatment. It's not the easiest path if you have a choice.

Sorry, I mean I only have one friend from university days with a teenage child. I can remember when she had her DS when she was 29, we all thought she was bonkers

Where I live older parents are the norm. I had my first at 27, second at 30 and last at 35. People I dont know always assume the youngest is my first.
Being financially stable is not the 'be all and end all'. We were not when we had our first and managed (he's at Uni now). We always had a good social life, being a parent does not stop that, only limits it a bit. But then having less nights out means you look forward to them more.
Whether or not it is the norm in social class or/and area ,you are still taking a risk by waiting to have children later in life. Fact!

Of course it's not the 'be all and end all' but it certainly helps make family life easier. In our 20s, I had student debt and DH was running up even more at law school. We couldn't have coped either financially or emotionally. I'm glad we enjoyed being adults and travelling etc before we had kids as I felt more grounded and ready

Of course there are risks but my post was in answer to yours about parenting teenagers not pg risks.

People I dont know always assume the youngest is my first.

More stealth boasting....

Do you work in the medical profession by any chance? Because that last line in your post is usually the line trotted out by doctors etc. Why? Because they deal in statistics. The reality is it's absolutely possible for many women to have healthy children later in life, esp if they've already had a child. If a woman wants to do that, as long as she is aware of the opinion of the medical profession and knows that there is is truth in declining fertility, it's entirely up to herself whether she goes for it or not.

I had my two DDs at 41 and 43. I had no problem getting pregnant and both are thankfully very healthy. I live in an area where to be honest this isn't really unusual - there are a number of mothers about my age - some had problems getting pregnant but some didn't (including a few "surprises"!). It can work fine.
I don't think you're unreasonable, but you do have to make sure you're fully aware of the facts before you decide to postpone. By 45 your fertility is likely to be low, and your chances of getting pregnant frankly quite slim. Many of the women who get pregnant at 45 have ben trying for some time - if you only start trying then you're limiting yourself even more. You will have a higher risk of congenital abnormalities, and a MUCH higher risk of miscarriage. You also have to think how you'll feel about being an older mother. I do worry about being an older mother from the health point of view, but I have more energy than many of the younger mothers and no-one knows what will happen in the future - one of the younger mothers I know has a potentially life - limiting condition so it can happen to anyone.
Good luck whatever you decide.

Re social life, I think it depends on your friends and where you live. If you live in a bustling city centre and all your uni friends are still partying and travelling and two of you suddenly have a baby then it could be quite isolating to no longer be able to join in your usual social group. I would certainly have found it this way. Also, lots of our friends didn't even meet the right person and get married until 35+ so that's always a consideration.

But there's no right or wrong time as a rule. Just right and wrong times for individuals.