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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby at 45?

606 replies

Hope88 · 05/10/2011 14:53

I am thinking about having another child. But I would like to have a bigger gap between children which means I would be getting near 45. If it all goes well. Do you think it's selfish to have a child at 45? I just think I would be a better mother if I wait opposed to rushing into it and being really stressed out. Your thoughts please.

OP posts:
kitya · 05/10/2011 16:57

Ive found that post 40 my memory is shocking!! seriously, I would forget to pick it up from the childminder or something. I havent the energy and I couldnt face having teenagers when I should be retiring. Thats just me though. If I was you, I wouldnt think about it too long. I was told years ago that ivf was my only option and, that was at 35 Sad

Aislingorla · 05/10/2011 16:59

I dunno, you either get parents who don't get their teens at all or, worse still, parents who try to be their friends!
It's not easy getting it right but best left to get on with things as long as they are secure in the knowledge that you are 'there for them'.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2011 17:01

Christ no, I choose my friends wisely Grin

Aislingorla · 05/10/2011 17:03

laughs (AF)

unreasonableme · 05/10/2011 17:04

Sorry, but I'm in the YUBU camp. My mother was 42 when she had me and for years I've been jealous of people with younger parents.

I know there are extenuating circumstances in my case (my father died when I was very young and my mother's been depressed ever since and been talking about death and suicide for years). But I honestly feel that it is selfish to have children at that age and long since decided that if I didn't have my first by 30 I wouldn't have any. So I won't.

This is probably far from helpful. Sorry.

Chandon · 05/10/2011 17:08

If you want to, go for it.

It's odd, but somehow my heart tells me that at 39, I should not have more babies, even though I feel sort of broody if I'm honest, and I adore and love babies and children.

I feel I have been lucky to have 2 great boys (9 and 6 now) and it would be tempting fate to ask for more, and also, I am afraid I simply would not have the nerve to deal with all the possible complications. I asked myself if I could cope with a Down syndrome baby, a handicapped child or serious problems myself (have rickety back, rickety veins and history of PND so I guess rickety mental health too) and all in all I just should not risk it.

But reading threads like this makes me wonder if I am too gloomy???

discobeaver · 05/10/2011 17:21

Every year you leave it increases the risk of your baby being born with abnormalities, that's cold fact.

It's not 'just' Down's Syndrome, but other problems that are far more likely for older mothers.

My geneticist told me the chances of a child being born with chromosomal abnormalities to a woman of 43 is 1 in 22.

I realise that means that 21 out of those 22 babies will be fine, (and as some people on this thread have proved, older mothers can and do have healthy babies) but they aren't great odds are they?

So I would say get pregnant sooner rather than later.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 05/10/2011 17:34

I was secretly hoping that some miracle had occoured and I was pg. I am not, of course I am not. OH has been fixed.

I am 44 and my youngest is 18mths. I would love another baby but we decided to stop because one more still wouldnt be enough.

I didnt have tests with my two pgs in my 40s because I didnt want them. I was annoyed by the automatic assumption that I would want them and had to keep explaining why I didnt.

I got pg within a week of trying with DC5 but it took a year with DC4.

Go for it. I did with DC 5 but knew that it might not happen. I think you need to be realistic re your age and fertility but its very hard not to get caught up in the watching and waiting every month.
Do you think you can cope with that side of it?

uppityduppity · 05/10/2011 17:39

There is a very recent article in the New York magazine nymag.com/news/features/mothers-over-50-2011-10/ regarding mothers over 50. It is an excellent article, it is quite long, but worth reading to the very end.

Adversecamber · 05/10/2011 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

discobeaver · 05/10/2011 20:52

Are you absolutely certain you want another child? Because leaving things until you are 45 might be a subconscious way of actually avoiding another pregnancy.

2old2beamum · 05/10/2011 22:30

Big secret I am 68 and DH 64 we have a 12 year dds and a 6 year old ddd. both obviously adopted. However we can run rings around our 32 year old neighbours who have dd & ds roughly the same age as ours. It can be done if that is what you want. Good luck. BTW my best friend is bringing up her 2, 4, 6 year old grandchildren after the sudden death of her lovely daughterand she is -slightly older than us.

redfairy · 05/10/2011 22:39

having had children at 18, 22 and 34 I noticed a massive difference in my attitude and indeed stamina between parenting earlier and later. Now at 44 I wouldn't contemplate having another. I'm waiting on grandchildren now...

soverylucky · 05/10/2011 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nikos · 05/10/2011 22:44

How did your attitude change as you got older? Also interested in how your stamina declined. What sort of things could you not do when you were an older mum?

FunnysInTheGarden · 05/10/2011 22:50

it's not about age it's about attitude and fertility. My mum was 43 when she had me in 1971 and in those days she was old! She is now 83 and is as younger and livelier in spirit and body than my MIL who is 62! Number mean nothing if you have the ability to conceive!

CristinadellaPizza · 05/10/2011 22:50

My DS was born when I was 42 so it's entirely possible. I feel very blessed to have him. We are old gimmers in my family - I don't think anyone's died before they were 80 and my nan has finally accepted she can't live alone anymore at the age of 101.

I don't find it especially tiring but then I was out clubbing until 7am before I got pregnant so I'm probably not your average middle aged woman

startail · 05/10/2011 22:52

My BF has just had her first child at 42. DH and his sister were born either side of their mum's 40 th. With less than 2 years between them. Their dad was a lot older still. MIL was an amazing lady and never seemed old right up to the day she died. DH's dad did sometimes find the modern world a bit much though.

madmomma · 05/10/2011 23:00

crikey monty you are a machine! Not tired looking after two toddlers in yr forties and pregnant?! Hats off - you must be very fit!

WalkHomeBitches · 05/10/2011 23:08

YANBU
but i would think more about the age gap, alot of kids do get picked on in schools because of thier parents age and so parents are sometime mistaken for grandparents at parents evening

also have your put any though into fostering a child ? for a certain length of time?
My sister who is now 40 fosters older children and teens as she though she was too old to have children

lesley33 · 05/10/2011 23:17

There are always exceptions. Parents who are still very fit, energetic and with a young attitude at 60. The reality though is that a lot of older people do get more tired and sometimes even if they seem very healthy, will have health issues you may not be aware of. I think it is very different to end up having a child when you are older because you didn't have a choice before, than choosing when you are younger to have a child when you are older.

smelli · 05/10/2011 23:20

Yes. It's the "if all goes well" isn't it?

Parenthood is fine at 42 but it was a long wait, so assuming you will be able to accurately predict when you conceive is a risk and the odds of producing a healthy baby make pregnancy a very worrying time.

foreverondiet · 05/10/2011 23:23

If you really want another child then IMO better to get on with it even if this means you might have a small age gap. Better that than later regret the wasted time if you struggle to conceive.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 05/10/2011 23:49

Hmm, I decided long ago that 30 was too old tbh, hence why I had my two in early 20's. My parents were mid thirties when they had me and my sister and we both hated it, even down to lying about their names as they were so telling of their age!
Dh's mom is now 50 and has a 5 year old dd, she looks very young for her age but her dd is still picked on with other kids laughing at her 'nan'!
Having been there, and seeing it still going on I couldn't do it to someone else. Sorry doubt it's what anyone wants to hear, just my experience.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 06/10/2011 00:03

Hmmm, I'm an older mum, had my first at 37 and 2nd at 39. Whilst I would love to have another (I'm now 43) I really think I'm too old - not to cope with a baby - I adore babies and children but facing grumpy teenagers at 60+ really seems selfish to me.

I know life doesn't turn out the way we might want it - I spent a good 4 yrs trying to conceive dd1 - but planning to have a child at 45 sounds like a wildly optimistic decision at best, selfish and unreasonable at worst.

That New Yorker article Uppity was really odd, interesting but odd. I thought the parents were awful, grim, self entitled and frighteningly creepy.