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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

477 replies

clothesoverbros · 11/07/2011 06:56

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/07/2011 07:01

YANBU but I expect what your DH is reacting to is that there are very few genuinely platonic relationships. It's very common for the lovely old pal that you think of like a brother to have been holding a torch for you all this time. :) If DH is not happy with the arrangement for whatever reason - rational or irrational - it's something you need to sort out between yourselves.

MaisieMama · 11/07/2011 07:09

I don't think YABU but then I also have several close guy friends who's wives can get jealous over a 45 minute lunch.

Its hard - I think after you're married people expect you to only nurture friendships with the same sex which strikes me as kind've weird - especially if you've been friends for a long time.

larrygrylls · 11/07/2011 07:11

Your house, you should have whomever you like to stay. "Inappropriate" is one of those modern meaningless words people like to throw around. Either he trusts you or he does not. If he does not, he should say so and you should discuss this major issue. If he does, he cannot rationally have an objection.

sunnydelight · 11/07/2011 07:11

YANBU - presumably he wouldn't have an issue if you had a girlfriend staying over so he should be mature enough not to have a problem with the fact your friend happens to be male. If there was history of more than friendship between you I might have some sympathy for him but under the circumstances it's a bit insulting for him to have so little trust in you.

FloraFox · 11/07/2011 07:22

YANBU but this might be a time to take account of DH's irrational but genuine emotions. His feelings might be visceral but you should put these before your friend. Isn't that what you'd want from DH if the situation was reversed?

marriedinwhite · 11/07/2011 07:23

YABU. It isn't seemly to have a male friend stay the night when your DH is away. I'm quite sure that if you had posted in reverse, ie, my DH wants a platonic girlfriend of many years standing to stay the night while I'm away for a few days the response would be very different to the ones already posted.

Pudding2be · 11/07/2011 07:25

It's a tough one. It sounds like it's nothing more, but in your DH's mind another man will be staying in his house while he is away. If I was in his shoes I would feel the same, but every relationship is different

Maybe talk to him and see if you can reassure him

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

mumblechum1 · 11/07/2011 07:26

Even though your dh's head says that it's fine, clearly his heart says otherwise.

I personally wouldn't do it, purely because I don't enjoy upsetting my dh unnecessarily, even though we do happen to trust one another 100%.

Marriage is sometimes about putting the other person's feelings above your own or anyone else's.

CurrySpice · 11/07/2011 07:27

"Seemly"?!? Have I stumbled into a Jane Austen novel? Shock

YANBU

confuddlement · 11/07/2011 07:33

Not seemly!

I think it may be unseemly to have sex with him but that isn't on the cards, of course YANBU.

Gender is irrelevant and I wouldn't pander to irrational jealousy I would want to address why my husband has trust issues.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 11/07/2011 07:47

It shouldn't be an issue. He should trust you. Just as you would not be bothered at all if you were away for the week and he had a female friend to stay while you were away.

Maybe he's concerned what the neighbours will think Grin can you imagine the curtain twitching Grin

But seriously, Ask him what he thinks is going to happen. If he suggests that something may happen between your friend and you, that is deeply insulting to you.

'Seemly. suggests he's worried about gossip. Who cares what the neighbours think?

HSMM · 11/07/2011 07:57

YABU - It is his territory and he is the alpha male.

OracleInaCoracle · 11/07/2011 08:04

what on earth has being the alpha male got to do with it? how weird.

YANBU, he should trust you!

Malificence · 11/07/2011 08:05

I wouldn't want anyone staying in my house while I was away, especially another woman, even though I trust DH 100% and he has plenty of close female friends.
If he doesn't want it to happen, it really shouldn't, it's one of those times when you should put your partner's feelings first imho.

qwepoi · 11/07/2011 08:14

YAB a bit U. I don't think most people would like their dh/dw to have a person of the opposite sex to stay while they were away. I think mn is giving you an unrepresentative sample of wishful thinking opinions here!

qo · 11/07/2011 08:19

I can see both sides to be honest, as I have a genuine platonic friendship with a bloke - nothing has ever happened between us, and never will - he's more of a brother to me than my real brother is. If somebody told me I couldnt see him or have him visit and stay over, I'm sure I wouldn't be happy.

But I can also see DH's side, and not too sure I'd be ok with my partner(if I had one) having a female friend to stay over while I was away, although that would kind of depend on how well I knew her etc.

Have you decided what you are going to do?

tallulahxhunny · 11/07/2011 08:20

omg i dont believe half the shit on this thread. of course if your DH wanted a woman to stay while you were away this lot would be screaming at how he's taking advantage of you being away and how hes not respecting your wishes etc.

Why cant he stay at the weekend when your dh is there?

YABVU especially as this person is in a emotional situation and could be wanting more than a shoulder to cry on after a few drinks or whatever! You dont know that wont happen and neither does your DH.

electra · 11/07/2011 08:23

I agree with cogito. Perhaps he's worried that while your friend is in an emotionally raw state something might happen. You know it won't but it will slightly niggle with him while he's away. I can see both sides of this tbh. On balance though YANBU.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 11/07/2011 08:29

I would be horrified if my husband wanted a woman over to stay if I was away, and I would think that even you might feel a bit uneasy about it. Especially if that person is in a vulnerable and emotional state.
I value my marriage and my husbands feelings, so would never even contemplate asking another man to stay in our house if DH was away.
In my opinion YABU.

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 11/07/2011 08:31

YABVU and selfish.
Your DH's feelings must take priority over a male friend.

tiredfeet · 11/07/2011 08:39

I have a very close male friend but I wouldn't have him to stay if dh was away. I am more than happy for dh to have friendships with women, and he does, but I wouldn't want them to stay over while I was away. Just think it crosses a line, sorry.

tiredfeet · 11/07/2011 08:39

I have a very close male friend but I wouldn't have him to stay if dh was away. I am more than happy for dh to have friendships with women, and he does, but I wouldn't want them to stay over while I was away. Just think it crosses a line, sorry.

MovingAndScared · 11/07/2011 08:45

Its tricky - how you would you feel if it was the other way round?

I think the weekend would be better and then i assume unless your baby is very little you could go out with your friend and your DH could babysit?

larrygrylls · 11/07/2011 09:00

"I trust my husband 100% but would not feel comfortable.."

Completely contradictory. Surely if two people live in a house, either can have anyone to stay, ESPECIALLY if the other one is away.

Chummybud1 · 11/07/2011 09:03

Is your husband friends with the man too or it solely your friend.

I disagree that you should be able to have who ever you like staying in your house, your husband should come first, if he is uncomfortable then you should sort something else out, it is his home too, would you say the same if your husband was making demands like yours. I think you need to look more At your married relationship as it comes across that your husband loses a say in the home because he is working away provide a home in the first place.

Does this friend stay over when your husband is home