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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

477 replies

clothesoverbros · 11/07/2011 06:56

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 11/07/2011 12:28

I do think YABU for whatever reason your husband feels uncomfortable, you already have a strong longstanding friendship with this man and you have invited him to stay when your husband is away, when he is perticularly emotional and vulvernable (not saying you would do anything but you can not 100% say he would never try). Your husband feels uncomfortable, as marriage is about compromise it is not unreasonable for him to say this.

If the situation was reveresed and I was talking about your huisband having a longstanding female friend to say my comment would be the same.

Your marriage should come first . It's a small ask, either when he's there or he stays elsewhere... he's not saying don't see him at all ever again, just be aware of his sensibilities.

MrBitey · 11/07/2011 12:30

I have been thinking about how I would feel if my husband wanted a female friend to stay over while I was away and understand the comments that people are making about having 100% trust but still not being entirely comfortable with it. I am not suspicious that they would be tearing each other's clothes off the minute I was gone but I would feel uncomfortable that another woman was depending on my husband for emotional support and comfort. I would expect him to understand this and would be very upset if having told him it may be uncomfortable he went ahead and did it anyway.

I also really wouldn't like it (actually I'd be furious) if my husband ever asked me how I dared to do anything.

motherinferior · 11/07/2011 12:58

Your friend needs you. That is important.

motherinferior · 11/07/2011 13:00

'I also think that if this friend is going through an emotionally hard time now is the time you should be there for him. Friendship and support should not be conditional on whether your partner says it's ok - genuine friendship doesn't work like that.'

Agree totally. I think his situation trumps your partner's discomfort/embarrassment.

PedigreeChump · 11/07/2011 13:03

YANBU!!! I can't believe some of the attitudes on this thread!

DogsBestFriend · 11/07/2011 13:08

YANBU. Your DH doesn't own you and has no reason whatsoever to tell you what you can or can't do. I'd be livid and would tell him to like it or lump it.

It's not "inappropriate" to have a friend to stay over, regardless of their gender. Your DH appears to be playing the alpha-male whose pride has been hurt but that's his problem, not yours.

My closest friend is male too, we've known each other for over 30 years. God help the husband/partner who tried to tell me I couldn't have S over to stay!

2rebecca · 11/07/2011 13:08

Why can't your male friend come and stay whilst your husband is there at the weekend? If I was away during the week and my husband wanted a woman to stay whilst I was away I wouldn't be happy. I think close opposite sex friends when in a relationship can cause major marital aggro.
Can't you meet up half way if the distance is long or him stay in a b&b.
I would feel awkward staying with a male friend whilst his wife was away, especially if I was single

girlywhirly · 11/07/2011 13:14

motherinferior, the parameters change because although the OP's DH didn't mind her male friends staying over at HER flat before they were married, since they are now married and sharing a home, he has the right to decide as well who can stay there and when. He obviously thinks that being married changes things. I think a husband comes before a friend, unless he is a control freak and a bully. I bet the male friend in question would be mortified if he knew he was causing disharmony over this.

motherinferior · 11/07/2011 13:20

Well, I don't agree. Friends matter. Friends in distress, that you've known for decades, matter enormously. Her DH and her friend don't get on; her DH won't have to see him; it's her home too.

2rebecca · 11/07/2011 13:24

Also the male friend is coming to stay at a vulnerable time in his life when the OP's role is to comfort him. I could just about cope with my husband going to the pub on his own to chat to a female friend who was weepy and down at having split up from her partner and having a parent die. The idea of my husband comforting this woman and her then sleeping in our house having chosen to invite her when he knew I'd be away would do my head in. I also wouldn't be happy with the fact that my husband was the person this woman chose to be her main comforter and I'd wonder why she had no female friends.
The husband isn't being controlling, he is just showing that he is human and that the relationship with his wife is important to him. His feelings should be more important than those of the friend.

mumblechum1 · 11/07/2011 13:29

I agree with 2rebecca.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 11/07/2011 13:31

Grin but also a bit Shock at 'seemly' and 'alpha male'. Did I just dream feminism and now I've woken up??!!

Your DH needs to get over it. You're all grown-ups and this a friend.

Funtimewincies · 11/07/2011 13:38

YANBU. He either trusts you or he doesn't. Bugger what anyone else thinks about how looks. 'Appropriate' Shock! Watch out, it'll be 'I trust you but I don't trust him' next.

2rebecca and others - why would it bother you if the situation was reversed? I find it really odd that adults conduct their relationships as though they've not moved on from being 15 Hmm.

2rebecca · 11/07/2011 13:44

I don't believe anyone is totally trustworthy when it comes to sex. My husband and I aren't.
Spending alot of time with someone you like of the opposite sex when they are feeling vulnerable and your job is to confort them is tempting fate to me. I've had 1 divorce and don't want another.

AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 13:46

gosh, 2reb, you won't "prevent" another divorce by trying to head off infidelity in this controlling way

if your husband is going to cheat, he will find a way

I trust no-one 100% either, but I give him the lee way to make his own choices

if he makes the wrong choice, it would be his fault, not mine

begonyabampot · 11/07/2011 13:49

I think you are giving your husband a hard time. You can support your friend but it has to be this way which makes your husband uncomfortable. I honestly don't know how I would feel about this and just because some people are ok with it doesn't mean that it's ok for other people.

2rebecca · 11/07/2011 13:51

I don't think asking your spouse not to have a friend of the opposite sex to stay in your house whilst you are away is controlling.
The husband in this case has been quite relaxed about the OP seeing this bloke alone in the past.
Why isn't the OP the one being controlling by wanting this man to stay even though she knows it upsets her husband? Why is the friend staying in a b&b so awful?

yousankmybattleship · 11/07/2011 13:52

I'm sorry, but I think you are being a bit mean to your husband. Even if he knows in his heart that he's being a bit unreasonable it obviously bothers him and he should be your first priority. Ask your friend to come at the weekend instead.

spiderpig8 · 11/07/2011 13:52

YABU.At the very least People will talk and that will be humiliating for your DH.

DogsBestFriend · 11/07/2011 13:54

"I also wouldn't be happy with the fact that my husband was the person this woman chose to be her main comforter and I'd wonder why she had no female friends."

How bloody patronising 2Rebecca!

As stated previously, my best pal is male. I have female friends but the one I trust and know most, and who knows me the most, happens to have a cock. So do a lot of my other friends. Big deal! The idea that a woman is a threat/lacking in something/somehow wrong because she has male friends/prefers male pals to female ones is insulting and childish.

And, FWIW, I can trust myself with my best pal. I have no desire to shag him no matter how traumatic life is so that theory doesn't hold water either. Chances are the OP is much the same.

AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 13:54

2reb, I was replying to your last post which seemed to take this issue of "trust" a lot wider than just the scenario in this thread, tbh

you can't stop 'em, you know, if they want to shag around, they will Sad

lastonetoleaveturnoutthelights · 11/07/2011 14:00

YADNBU. Your husband either trusts you or he doesn't. Your friend needs you. His gender should be nothing to do with it. Some posts on this thread sound a little Victorian to say the least. It's 2011.

wannaBe · 11/07/2011 14:00

I think MI makes a very valid point re why should it be the husband whose feelings are put first. What about the op's feelings? What about the implication that the dh thinks she's not to be trusted having a male friend over to stay? Because let's be honest here that is the implication.

The only reason why people are uncomfortable with this idea is because they feel something will happen. Think about that. Think about the message you're putting across if you say to your dh/dh says to you "no, I'm not uncomfortable with the idea of you having staying overnight."

So no, I don't think that it's just the husband's feelings that need to be taken into account here!

and as for those saying "well it's his house, he has a right to say who can and can't stay there," would you agree if the op had a female friend over to stay and the dh said no? No didn't think so.

motherinferior · 11/07/2011 14:01

I still don't see why husbands automatically take priority over friends in a lot of distress.

PigletJohn · 11/07/2011 14:05

Well obviously, this is Mumsnet, so of course some people are going to tell you to do whatever you want, and if your husband shows any signs of anxiety or disapproval, they will say he is controlling or unreasonable.

You say your DH is going to be away? Just tell him, if he wants, to stay with a woman friend. Is that OK?