AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

[clothesoverbros]

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

Interesting to know whether the OP's DH would have had less of a problem if the male friend had still been in his long-term relationship, I think that he may simply be afraid that the friend will be feeling vulnerable/rejected and know that men are likely to seek comfort in the most basic of ways, especially with a woman that they have known and felt comfortable with for years. He may well trust the OP implicitly but not want her to end up in a difficult situation - she on the other hand probably feels perfectly well equipped to react appropriately to any misguided advances.

As an adult (less so as a "crashing" student) it is quite an intimate thing to have someone stay over in your house. I once invited a male work colleague/mate to stay at mine after an event which was close to my house and far away from his. He was married, talked all the time about how great his wife was, and I was single. I gave him the spare room and that was that. Years later we got pissed and he told me he had been v close to knocking on my door that night and propositioning me. I was totally shocked, had never noticed any chemistry and I was insulted that he saw me as the type of person who would happily sleep with someone else's husband. He seemed to think that the simple act of having him stay over was an implicit signal. But we didn't know each other anything like as well as OP and her friend do.

Wild Sexual Urges, I'm telling you. Just swamping them, a tsunami of hitherto repressed lust, even though they've had 20 years to get it on should they feel inclined...

mother, yes, the poor creatures. So in thrall to their primal Wild Urges. They know not what they do ...

no we don't and we don't know how the Op's friend thinks and if he ever fancied her etc. I don't think they are going to jump into bed but no matter what some say on here, for many people , they wouldn't be comfortable with this situation and many wouldn't even think of doing it. And I do think that men think differently about some things than women so we are never going to get how the Op's husband or the friend either read or feel about this. I do think if the situation had been a woman worrying about her husband having a woman friend stay over the responses would have been less scathing than those about the OP's husband.

Lady Clarice, I think you have gone a bit extreme there. My saying that men (even committed, nice ones) can get tempted is not like saying women shouldn't wear short skirts in case a man can't resist raping her.

I am saying that the DH may have a male perspective on this that makes him feel uncomfortable. Most of us are putting a female perspective on this and thinking it's a platonic friendship and it's not about sex.

A man may look at this differently and indeed OP's DH may see a totally different picture here. The affairs board is full of people who never ever intended for anything to start or are incredibly shocked that their faithful DH/DW cheated. I'm just saying that sometimes giving people the tools and the opportunity and a bucketful of trust can backfire.

I'm not saying this is going to happen, I believe OP has a genuine platonic friendship with her male friend. However, the intimacy of this does kind of tread on her DH's toes a bit.

I would have thought that 20 years of no drunken fumbles would kind of suggest that if he does fancy her, he's quite capable of keeping that to himself.

It is even possible - and I know this goes against the WSU view of the X-chromosome - for men to fancy women they like but not try to shag them, because their female friends are happily married with kids and they like them too much to mess that up.

No, obviously it's not the same, but what I said was that it was 'not so far away' from that attitude, and I stand by that; I believe the two things are on a continuum. I think that any notion to do with men not being able to control their urges is insulting to men and can be massively detrimental to women too.

mother, again, Nail. On. The. Head.

Lady Clarice, not to get into a one to one row or anything as I have to go out shortly and I find confrontation stressful, I would like to say this.

I am not saying ALL man cannot control physical urges. I am not saying OP's friend wants to shag her after 20 years of not even trying to. I am not saying that we have to make allowances for poor men with uncontrollable willies who can't be held responsible for their actions.

I am just saying that a lot of men, given enough opportunity, may end up in an awkward situation.

e.g my DB complained to me that a girl wanted to go out with him and it was awkward when he dropped her home one night after a work do. I said "well at least you didn't sleep with her" he said "Oh I did. It was on a plate. I still don't want to go out with her though". Also my ex cheated on me with a man and a woman so I am not quite as trusting as a lot of other people.

I would feel deeply uncomfortable having to entertain a male friend overnight - it's one thing going for a quick drink - but to have him staying overnight is crossing a line and not something I would even dream of doing -
And if my dh wanted to have a female friend staying over whilst I was away - I don't think I'd be going back ( it's insulting to the marriage/partnership to do something like this especially if your partner thinks it's inappropriate.

I love the way this word 'inapproriate' keeps cropping up, it just sounds so daft. Picking your nose in public is inappropriate .

We've definitely wandered into Jane Austen Land with this thread.

Yes Ladyclarice - maybe we have. And it wouldn't do you any harm to read up on how 'polite' society conducted itself.

My husband shares his home with me - not with every waif and stray from my past who happens to fall on hard times -

Gawd, Carmina, you really don't appear to get friendship, do you. This is her old friend of 20 years who has had a bereavement and a splitup. It is appropriate, in my book, to say 'Come and stay, and I will pour wine down your throat and we can watch some crap telly with a takeout'. Not 'My husband doesn't like you so we can't all hang out together, and thinks it would be improper to spend time alone with you so we can't spend time together, so do bog off then, dear'.

I'm not saying we couldn't have different sex friends stay over - it would depend on different things and we would have to be comfortable with it and so far i don't think the situation has come up. There's no need to get sneery and snidey to show how right on and liberal you are compared to all the silly little people who might have issues and insecurities, past relationship problems and, well, are just human.

Well, I feel suitably chastened. Perhaps I should just stay out of polite society for fear of saying or doing something inappropriate. Or unseemly.

I personally wouldn't think of or refer to a friend of twenty years as 'every waif and stray'. And DP would be rightly offended if I referred to one of his good friends in those terms.

But I'm off now anyway, to read up on how to behave in the eighteenth century.

Motherinferior - that's all fine if your dh is there or your friend is female - but this is different - he's not there and isn't happy about the situation - who's feelings do you put first?
I might not be the best friend in the world but I'm a bloody good wife - because I put my husbands feelings before any other mans. That's how it should be. ( and I'd do all the things you said only I'd pay for him to stay in a hotel - I'd find a way to make everyone happy and comfortable )

begon- Good post.

Typos galore -( sorry )

I think obeying your husband (which is really what you are saying with 'putting his feelings first') is a really bad principle to operate on. If marriage - as the cliche keeps being repeated - is a compromise, time for her DH to do a spot of compromising.

I would not like my DH to have a woman to stay and so wouldn't ask the same of him. Trust is a funny thing...and anyone in the right situation with the right opportunity can cheat.

I quite like being married to a strong passionate man who has his own mind and isn't afraid to use it. There's nothing wrong in saying something like - ''darling, you know I love you, but we both know that just ain't happening" -
I'd rather that than some insipid little liberal who'd bore me senseless.

Can't the friend come at the weekend?

'insipid little liberal'