AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

[clothesoverbros]

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

I think your dh is behaving unreasonably. Dh has frequently stayed over with his (and my) best friend before she was with her dh and since. He has a number of other very good female friends and I wouldn't be bothered about him staying with them either.

If I was the OP, it would make ME feel uncomfortable to ask my dh. I would not override my dh on this. It is a male visceral thing - I can comfort my friend in a different setting.

WTF? YANBU.
DH is not happy that my gay bff comes over while he is out, just because he is male and it 'feels weird' but that doesn't mean that I don't invite him round. Similarly I leave DH on his own with female friends without feeling that I shoudl be concerned. I know he had female friends staying at his while we were apart at uni.
Either he trusts you or he doesn't.
But all this 'respect your husband and don't be alone with another man' is a bit fucking victorian isn't it? Do we all need chaperones now?

It's a male visceral thing .

...or petulant childishness as it's know in our house .

@ funtime

male visceral ?

is that what we are calling his cock nowadays ?

pmsl

He could piss in the corner to mark his territory, perhaps?

Frankly, I imagine if the situation were reversed in our household, yes, I could throw a wobbly and force my partner to give in to my views. But in fact it would be not be Good For Our Relationship (to use the parlance common on this thread) as Doubts Would Be Sown about me. As in, I would clearly be putting my insecurities above the things of value; of friendship, and supporting one's friends.

This friend, from what the OP says, has had a really nasty time recently. He needs his friends. Good people - the sort you would want as a partner (well, me anyway and quite a few others, it is looking like it here) say 'well, buster, you might want to throw a wobbly but my mate needs me'. That is what friends do.

I once had a phone call from a friend who'd found a breast lump, and then a call from my boyfriend who was back in the UK from two months travelling. I told my boyfriend it was lovely to hear from him but I had to go and see my friend. It was good for our relationship, in that I was being the sort of person he wanted to be involved with. (As opposed to the crazed jealous sort, which eventually split us up .)

I don't think yabu but I don't think your DH is either. You can see opinion is split so both views must be "normal".

You know, I would be fine about one of OUR female friends staying while I was away, but I would not be happy about one of my DH's female friends who I didn't know staying over somehow.

"He could piss in the corner to mark his territory, perhaps?"
Heh heh.
Also fanning myself at the thought of the male visceral if we are going to be Victorian.

Thinking about this, if my DH had a female friend to stay when I was away my main concern would be whether the bathroom would be left in a fit state for visitors (DH is much much tidier than me but never cleans the bathroom).

blue shoes et al, I can't comfort him in a different setting - gig, pub, halfway etc etc as I have a young baby and no baby sitter as DH is away!

THAT's my issue - DH doesn't really want him here when he's around but I can't go out to meet him, as I would have done pre-DD, so I don't see I have any other option. Other than not meet up, which does not sit right after all the times that he's been there for me. Of which there have been many!

I also think it's a bit rubbish to say come visit, and by the way it'll cost you £60 to stay in a crappy b&b when he's just lost his home as well as everything else. Not to mention the wierdness of my DH suddenly not being happy with him being alone with me now he's single, like he's some kind of predator.

at funtime too!

What can't you have your friend around when your dh is around?

Agree that it would be shitty in this situation to make him stay in a B and B. Think you need to have a constructive conversation (preferable to a big row) with your DH where you point this out and also that either he trusts you or he doesn't.

Christ. 'male visceral thing'. 'male territorial thing'. 'seemly'.

Pass the smelling salts.

Why should she have her friend around only when her dh is around? It makes sense to spend time with her dh when he's there!

OP - is he really uncomfortable with your friend being around you when he's vulnerable, or is he just uncomfortable because people tell him he ought to be uncomfortable 'letting' you be alone with another man? If the latter, and assumed you'd be OK if the tables were reversed, then feel free to tell him to get over it.

I can only assume that half the posters on this thread think bisexuals should never be allowed anywhere without a chaperone!

Her DH doesn't like the bloke in any case, and doesn't want to spend time with him!

I'm really quite taken aback by the number of people who think a partner automatically has rights that override those of a 20-year friendship.

I think there are shades of grey here that aren't being represented in your posts OP.

I think your H does feel threatened by this friendship. I expect deep down you know why too. I expect your H thinks this bloke has always carried a torch for you and you have been in blithe denial about that, while secretly enjoying the truth you won't acknowledge.

Your H's response - instead of admitting this and how insecure it makes him feel, is to take the piss out of your mate for being "hard work". I bet he takes the piss out of him for other stuff too - all designed to reduce him in your eyes.

When your H says he feels uncomfortable about this, or that he's "worried what people think", what he's actually saying is that he has always known your mate liked you as more than a friend and now that this bloke's relationship has gone tits-up, is likely to seize an opportunity. Your H is feeling vulnerable, but won't admit it.

And if you have been cheerfully insisting for all these years that this bloke has never had any sexual feelings for you - and your H can see at a glance that he has but can't get you to admit it, then the reality is that he doesn't trust you 100%, because either your radar is pretty poor, or you won't face up to the truth.

I think it's possible that you and your H have been having smokescreen conversations about this bloke for years. You insisting that your friend has never had sexual feelings for you and your H insisting that he doesn't like your friend because he's a jerk.

Some honesty might help in this situation.

That's an....interesting reading of a situation, complete with motives and back-story that are entirely lacking in the original post I am particularly impressed with the insistence that of course this chap fancies her and she has been in 'blithe denial'. And so we're back to the idea that (a) any friendship between men and women is underpinned by Wild Sexual Urges (b) we are all at risk of submitting to our wild animal appetites and giving in to our WSUs, if left in any proximity and unchaperoned (c) the Alpha Male is going to be justified in his manly jealousy, as clearly if he leaves his woman in the presence of a man, WSUs will ensue.

My initial reaction to the OP was but then I thought about which of my male friends I could have stay over (in times of need) without it bothering DH (not a jealous type anyway), and can't think of any who shouldn't stay. He knows and trusts (me and) them all. No problem.

I wouldn't mind any of our female friends staying here either (in a similar situation), although I think if I didn't know them, it might be a different story.

Well said, mother! Took the words right out of my mouth actually I couldn't have been nearly as incisive, accurate or amusing

I wouldn't do it - So, yes - I agree with your DH.

I think DH would cope with Clothes going out for lunch or an evening during the week-end with this friend, while he looked after the baby; it is the fact that the guy needs to stay over and friend and DH have nothing in common apart from the same woman.

If I were DH I'd prefer this option, make an effort with the friend assuming he was only there for part of the week-end. It seems the best compromise. Or clothes goes against DH and lets her friend stay during the week and risks a lot of grief.

So far, it seems the majority on this thread think the OP is NBU.

maybe mens brains are wired differently to how they see this kind of thing. I have a suspicion that many men would quite happily shag their women friends if the right opportunity presented itself, especially if alcohol was involved. Maybe we need more of the mumsnet men to give their view on this from the male perspective). I find it hard to believe the majority are so blase about this. Where I come from it (thinking of my siblings and friends) generally wouldn't be acceptable. Most of those left school, got a job and lived with parents till they married or moved in with their partner and still live in their hometowns. I really think none of them would suggest this situation or be happy with it. I honestly don't think the opinion on here is representative of the whole population. I wouldn't like my husband to have a girl stay over he was friendly with at work while i wasn't there - would anyone here really be that ok about it - trust is trust after all as many have pointed out so there should really be no difference.

I've never come across this over the top liberal attitude before either - the only place I see it is on MN - Never see it in RL.

If you sit someone at a table with a knife and fork and an empty plate, they will eventually feel hungry.

In other words, yes there is trust and OP's DH may not even be afraid of sexual intercourse taking place, but he may feel the intimacy kind of trespasses on his ground a bit (alone, late at night, OP and friend with wine, vulnerable, sharing feelings, empty house etc). Men are primal creatures and there may be a cuckoo in the nest feeling about this. Begon has a point here- men know men better than women know men so maybe DH can see something OP can not.

For those who say they do this and more in their marriage- that's fine as every marriage and every couple is different. Personally it wouldn't work for myself and my DH as we are so insecure that nobody else would have us and we had to marry each other.

Jesus Christ. 'primal creatures'???? Seriously, are some people on here married to Neanderthals?

Carmina, as one of those who holds the 'over the top liberal attitude' that a man and a woman under the same roof overnight might, just might, be able to refrain from shagging, I have to say that this is very much the attitude that I am used to and would expect from my DP and my friends. Thank God.

I think assuming that the OP and her friend may not be able to control their sexual urges is hugely insulting both to their long friendship and to them as adults. Not to mention the fact that there is nothing sexual between them anyway (and personally, I'm not going to read things into the OP that aren't there; I'm going to take OP's word for it seeing as the bloke is HER friend and she might just know what she's talking about.)

This attitude is not so very far away from the abhorrent idea that men 'can't help themselves' and simply have to rape women who are wearing short skirts or whatever.