Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

477 replies

clothesoverbros · 11/07/2011 06:56

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 11/07/2011 14:08

"You say your DH is going to be away? Just tell him, if he wants, to stay with a woman friend. Is that OK?"

Any reason why it shouldn't be, Piglet?

AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 14:10

yes, John, if the opposite scenario was the same, it would be ok

can you not control yourself around lone women ?

at night time < shock horror >

AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 14:11

most extra marital affairs are conducted during the daytime, FWIW

wannaBe · 11/07/2011 14:14

I don't think anyone has said the op's dh is being controlling and unreasonable. I think, in fact, that insecurity is understandable and should be considered.

But by that I don't mean that you say "oh sorry darling, you don't like it? well then I won't do it," I mean that the op should be able to reassure her dh that there is no risk of an affair or a one-night stand from this man (with whom she has been friends for years) staying over when the dh isn't there.

Taking someone's feelings into account doesn't mean you just give in to them - it means you consider them and try to reassure them through communication.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 11/07/2011 14:15

AnyFucker, that's a fascinating fact about daytime affairs! Can you expand? How do you know? Is it because it's easier to be away 'at work' etc during the day?

Malificence · 11/07/2011 14:18

Am I the only one who thinks this has nothing to do with trust ( or the lack of it) on the husband's part?
It just seems like he doesn't particularly like the friend and doesn't want him in his house while he's away, which seems perfectly reasonable to me.

I absolutely think that your partner's feelings are more important than supporting a friend too, people generally have more than one friend, you only have one partner, who is meant to be the most important adult in your life.
If my DH put a friend ahead of my feelings, I would not be pleased, I'm his priority, no one else.

porpoisefull · 11/07/2011 14:20

I think I agree with wannaBe - I think the OP has a perfect right to invite friends to her own home while her DH is away. He would be unreasonable to try and 'lay down the law' but on the other hand she should try and understand his feelings rather than dismissing them out of hand.

Original poster
clothesoverbros · 11/07/2011 14:22

Yes piglet john, I'd be fine with him staying over with either of his long term female friends. One of them is even an ex and I'd still be fine. Random woman no.

Spiderpig - who are these 'people'?!

I'm also now wondering if there was a page of small print in the marriage contract that I missed...

OP posts:
wannaBe · 11/07/2011 14:23

"It just seems like he doesn't particularly like the friend and doesn't want him in his house while he's away, which seems perfectly reasonable to me." if that's the case then that's his issue to deal with. If it was a female friend he didn't like would it be ok to say she shouldn't be in the house? and if not, why not?

And actually, I think that there are times when it's perfectly reasonable for friends to take priority over partners. Or do you think that it would be ok to say to friend "Oh, I'm so sorry you've been recently bereaved, but really my husband doesn't like me supporting you so I'm afraid I can't." stuff that.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 11/07/2011 14:23

DP has friends who are more his friends than mine (of both genders) and some who, I"ll admit, I'm not keen on. I still wouldn't dream of kicking up a fuss if he had a female friend in crisis and wanted to invite her to stay, whether I was there or not. I'd expect the same from him if it were me and a male friend. All this insinuation that the OP and her friend might get it on is just prurient.

AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 14:23

LadyClarice, one only has to read threads on Mumsnet where mystified wives are shocked that their H's even had the opportunity for an affair

motherinferior · 11/07/2011 14:24

I don't expect to be my partner's sole priority. I value the fact he is also a nice person to his friends, and I would expect the fact I didn't care for someone (there are plenty of his mates I'm not that keen on) to take second place to that friend's distress when I wasn't going to be around anyway.

Just not liking the cut of this bloke's jib is no reason to say 'he can't be here when I'm not here in any case'.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 11/07/2011 14:25

AnyFucker, I need to read more affair threads ? was oblivious! But yes, point taken.

AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 14:26

one of the things that attracted me to my DH in the first place was how caring and supportive of his friends and family he is

I know I am his number one, but to expect that always to be the case, if you had no other concerns, seems rather needy to me

AnyFucker · 11/07/2011 14:27

nah, LadyC, don't read more affair threads, it will depress you Smile Sad

wannaBe · 11/07/2011 14:30

the thing is that if op wanted to shag this male friend of her's chances are she could have done it by now anyway. People don't have to be given chances to have affairs - if affairs are going to happen they will regardless of a potentially missed opportunity iyswim.

PigletJohn · 11/07/2011 14:33

"working away during the week, returning at weekends"

You might be surprised how unhelpful this is to maintaing a successful marriage

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 11/07/2011 14:33

Smile AnyFucker. True!

wonka · 11/07/2011 14:39

My husband is having an old female friend and her DS to visit while I'm at my mums, nothing has ever happened between them and I have no doubt that nothing will happen during this visit other than a good catch up with somebody he has known a lot longer than he has known me.

Pendeen · 11/07/2011 14:54

OP how long have you known your DH?

SnapesOnAPlane · 11/07/2011 15:04

I'd be happy for DH to have female/male friends staying whilst I was away - but if I had told him I was uncomfortable to have someone stay then I'd be very fucking hurt for him to disregard my feelings and have them stay anyway.
So, yes, in this case I think you'd BU to have him stay when your DH is uncomfortable/not happy with it.

Original poster
clothesoverbros · 11/07/2011 15:05

Piglet: I'm not surprised at all. Not my choice and I know Dh is miserable about it too. Just the circumstances we're in.

Pandeen: 5 years - why?

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 11/07/2011 16:15

Of course, we only have the OP's take on this situation.

Maybe the DH thought the friendship would ease up a bit when he and OP got married, and while the friendship stayed at a distance it was tolerable.

ProfYaffle · 11/07/2011 16:30

My dh has stayed over at his female friend's place loads of times. Wouldn't even occur to me to object on the grounds of jealousy.

susiedaisy · 11/07/2011 16:39

if the boot was on the other foot, i would not be happy with another women staying in my house when i was away, cant really tell you why, it just wouldnt sit easy with me for some reason, i am assuming here, but i guess your hubby trusts you, its prob another man he doesnt trust, its a man/territorial thing IMO