AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

[clothesoverbros]

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

I would be ok with this, if there was no history between them and no previous of twattery from my partner

Not everyone is that secure though, and I understand that

I guess, OP, you have to weigh up whether is is worth upsetting your husband

if he tries to control and boss you about in other ways, then maybe a stand is required

if not, I am sure you could work out a compromise

My best friend is male and we have been friends since school, dp knows him well and would not be bothered at all if he was working away and my friend came to stay. I think if the friend is a long time friend (like the op) then it shouldn't be a problem if there has been no previous 'cause for concern'. If it was a newish friend I would understand the husbands point of view more I guess.

omg you cant have your friend to stay over because he has a penis...you would all be raging if her dh said she couldnt have her female friend over while he was away because she had,had a lesbian snog once, and he couldnt trust her not to do it again. i would be horrified on two counts, one, my dp felt he had the right to tell me who i could and could not have over and two, that he felt he couldn't trust me to be "seemly" and that would be the real bug bear.
this is ridiculous marriage means putting you partner first.... was he doing that when he basically implied that their friendship was some how sleazy.
op i would tell your husband he was being a Neanderthal and if he doesnt like your friend staying there then you guys will book in to a hotel together and see how seemly he finds that.

Every couple should have their own boundaries that they both are comfortable with. If your husband isn't comfortable, ask him, if it were the other way around, would he un invite someone because you objected? Would he invite an old friend to stay without running it over with you first?

I don't think your dh IBU. Things usually work out better when discussed ahead of time and not announced. My dh would put my wishes to not have his old female friends stay over the same as I would put his feelings first, even if it seemed unreasonable to me, his feeling matter to me more than any friends feelings.

Tricky one: in theory YANBU and if as you say this is a genuinely platonic old friend I can see how it could be totally innocent: I've had friendships like this and you know deep down that its totally unromantic and nothing your partner need fear. And yet, if the boot was on the other foot and you'd posted on here I can imagine loads of people saying "read the signs, its rarely totally innocent," etc. I don't think your husband should get to decide who you can and can't have in the house but I do think his feelings are relevant and you should take them into account: if he is made uncomfortable by it and you go ahead and do it anyway you're basically saying that you don't respect his feelings and its then much harder for you to ask him to show the same respect in a similar situation. I certainly think you should try to come to a compromise and have him over when your husband is there if you really want him to stay.

You would think that the length of time of time you have known this friend should make this okay.... it's kinda funny they don't get on. I once stayed with a good male friend and his wife when I was in need of help. I made a point of really befriending the wife and we too became good friends, so when she was away it was never an issue - she trusted me and her DH. her feelings were as important as our feelings and friendship. Also, I kinda objected to a good friend of my husbands - she never needed to stay btw- because she was close to my DD and my DH and seemed wary of me and vice versa - if I'm honest. My DH although peed off with me put my feelings first and understood where I was coming from. I guess this is about boundaries.

YANBU.

I think it's deeply insulting to assume that people of the opposite sex who get on must automatically want to have sex. Or even that people of the opposite sex who are able to show emotion to one another must end up having sex.

I have always had far more male friends than female ones purely because I get on better with blokes than women - that's just how I am. I have had male friends with whom I have had a very close relationship in terms of that they were the ones I turned to when I was at my lowest (we're talking years ago here) and who have comforted me during very emotional times. But none of them have ever indicated they wanted to have sex with me and vice versa - for one I was never physically attracted to them in that way although I think the world of them, and B I would never have wanted to compromise any friendship with them for a quick shag that essentially would have meant nothing.

Now, on the one hand I can sort of see why your dh might be slightly uncomfortable with the idea of you having a man to stay overnight, however I think this is an instinctive reaction rather than a rational one.

I also think that if this friend is going through an emotionally hard time now is the time you should be there for him. Friendship and support should not be conditional on whether your partner says it's ok - genuine friendship doesn't work like that.

After 20 years of a platonic friendship, and given the fact that you've never kept this secret from your husband, then I think YANBU.
If my partner had a similar long-term friendship with a woman then I wouldn't have a problem with her staying in similar circumstances.
As it is, my partner knows my long-term platonic male friend. When male friend and I go out, he sometimes come with us. He is grown up enough to realise that if people want to have sex they will do it. But after 20 platonic years it's most likely that they don't fancy each other in that way.
I went on holiday with my platonic male friend and partner was fine about it.

I agree totally... "it is deeply insulting if people assume people of the opposite sex who get on automatically want sex"! That is just a little dumb, reactionary and shallow. Considering feelings, mutual respect, building trust is another thing.

Long term mate or not i think you are being unreasonable.

I have long term male friends but i wouldnt have them stay overnight whilst my husband was away.

What would you say if your husband said he was having his long term female friend stay over, when you were staying out overnight? What would you say?

For me its not about the sex, talking can be just has intimate.

OP says that as the friend and her DH are very different people, they get on okay but DH "is generally happier for [her] to see friend on [her] own."

He doesn't sound like a controlling jerk with trust issues. He doesn't seem to mind that she has a male friend, nor that she sees him on her own. In fact he encourages it.

In that context, OP, I think it's fair enough for him to tell you where the boundaries are to his comfort with the closeness of you friendship with the other guy.

YANBU for wanting your friend to come and stay, but YWBU to prioritise your friend's feelings over your dh's.

I agree with cloudy. YANBU for wanting your mate to stay but I really think you should put your DH's feelings first...if he is really against it and you still go ahead and do it then YABU.

I wouldnt want DH having a girl friend to stay if I was to go away even if I totally knew there was nothing in it, I just think it over steps the mark a little bit.

blimey, this did divide opinion.

I really don't understand the 'I trust someone 100% but I wouldn't be comfortable them being alone with someone of the opposite sex'. Trust is a bit meaningless then?

I feel really stuck actually, as DH doesn't really want to spend time with him [they do find each other quite hard work] and our weekends together are so short then I don't want to go out without him.

Inviting friend over during the week seemed like a really good compromise and it just never occured to me that DH would mind. Before we lived together friend used to stay at my flat all the time and DH never had an issue with it [or at least never told me he did].

I really agree with Wannabe in that true genuine friendships are about being there for someone when they need you. That's far more important to me than what the neighbours think. at 'seemly'

So it's either that or DH doesn't trust me and that makes me really really angry...

As I said upthread, though, whether your dh has any logical reason not to like it is actually pretty irrelevant.

A good marriage contains compromises, and sometimes you have to put the other person's feelings above your own.

YABU. Your DH isn't comfortable with it. That should be the end of the story.

Clothes, I don't think for a minute that your husband doesn't trust you - these type of feelings are rarely rational, perhaps he doesn't even know himself why he feels uncomfortable with it.
For me, it's basically that I wouldn't want anyone in my house while I was away, just the thought of it makes me queasy but I can't really explain why .

Your husband is more important than your friend when all's said and done, his feelings have to be prioritised. You would expect him to put you and your feelings first in everything, yes?

I think having a man over to stay while your husband is away is wrong. I have lots of male friends, and often go out with them in the evening, to gigs etc, but I would not have any of them stay over while my husband was away. It just wouldnt feel right.

How odd. I arranged for a friend to babysit whilst dh was away so I could go out for dinner with another (non mutual) friend. He babysat and stayed over because it was much easier for him that way as we live v close to his work so the arragement suited everyone. It didn't cross my mind to discuss this with dh and when I informed him of the arrangement he was v pleased that I could go out AND spend some time with our lovely babysitting friend. We trust each other completely - it's not even an issue.

YANBU. I had my best friend over to stay for the weekend when my husband was away. No-one batted an eyelid. I'd be happy for my husband to do the same with any of his female friends - they are just friends and we have no intention of cheating on each other.

I think he - your husband - should put your feelings first. And leave a nice bottle of wine for you and your mate.

I have just imagined DP suggesting if X or Y might stay the night. It wouldn't occur to me that they'd somehow find themselves overwhelmed with lust.

And really, why should you be the one to compromise?

I've been in the situation where my boyfriend had his ex-girlfriend to stay in his studio flat for almost a week because it was close enough to commute to a course in London, so sleeping in the same room. I didn't live with him at that point. I trusted her, but didn't really trust him, they had never had a sexual relationship but even so. I don't know how her boyfriend (they did marry) felt about it, or her parents for that matter as she was still living at home. I felt uncomfortable about it, but put up with it so as not to make her feel uncomfortable about it.

I think it is BU not to consider DH's feelings here, why not have your friend stay at the week end and get DH to babysit while you and friend go out for lunch and a heart to heart, let him stay overnight at yours and leave in the morning. Minimise the length of time you are all together for DH's benefit, surely he can be friendly for an evening, and sympathetic to the friends' bereavement at least.

The fact that having a male friend to stay before you marry doesn't automatically make it OK afterwards, because the partnership of the married couple means that they are committed to each other and take each others' wishes into account. So you can't really make the decision as a single person, because it affects your family now you're married.

So why can't the DH compromise, dammit? Consider her feelings, need for a spot of company, and so on and so forth?

Am also agog that the act of matrimony somehow changes the parameters.

I can't imagine doing this, but then i don't have any male friends who live far enough away to stay the night.

Can you find out more about why DH is unconmfortable about it? Is he genuinely worried something may happen, or is he more worried about what the neighbours would think?