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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to Give a Cash Wedding Gift

188 replies

susiesmith · 10/11/2010 09:02

Hi

I have recently been invited to the evening reception of a wedding. The groom is an old friend from university. The couple are compartive to us very wealthy. I dont know exact salaries but my he is the UK General Manager of a big multinational company and she also has a 'good' job.

Anyway the wedding invitation states on it they would like a cash gift and then has their bank account details to pay money directly into there account.

I have given money as wedding gifts before (both cash and cheques)and when I married I happily accepted cheques and vouchers as gifts. But I just find it a bit much that they have put their bank details on the invite.

I think I may be more understanding of this if the couple were a bit hard up or even of similar income to us.

Anyway I dont want to just pay money into their account as requested so I thought I would buy them present. Such as some nice glasses. Is it unreasonable of me?

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 10/11/2010 09:06

YABU... You're making a judgement about their preferred gift based on the fact that they are well-off and have stipulated a bank account. Buy glasses and they'll go to the next car boot sale... . Transfer £10 into their account with good grace and get them a nice card.

expatinscotland · 10/11/2010 09:13

YANBU.

It is always crass and rude to stipulate to a guest a) that you expect a gift b) what that gift should be.

Decline the invite and send a card.

Giving out bank account details is stupid, too.

I'd be tempted to bring it out about a thousand times and post it, drop it on benches all over the place.

Anyone so greedy they do that deserves to be ripped-off

expatinscotland · 10/11/2010 09:14

print it out, rather.

Chil1234 · 10/11/2010 09:15

"I'd be tempted to bring it out about a thousand times and post it, drop it on benches all over the place."

So that random strangers can deposit funds into their account....?

BunnyLebowski · 10/11/2010 09:15

YANBU.

It's vulgar and grasping to ask for cash as a wedding gift. Why don't they just charge an entry fee at the church door??

Don't go.

expatinscotland · 10/11/2010 09:16

'So that random strangers can deposit funds into their account....?'

Um, no, so someone could hack it or use their identity. It's not hard to do with that amount of information.

CHOOGIRL · 10/11/2010 09:20

YABU You happily accepted cash at your own wedding, have given cash and cheques before - I'm struggling to see what your problem is - other than the fact this couple is ostensibly better off.

Bloodymary · 10/11/2010 09:24

YANBU I hate that, it just seems wrong at the best of times. As for giving their bank details, well words fail me.

Bloodymary · 10/11/2010 09:25

Lol at charging a fee at the church door!

Original poster
susiesmith · 10/11/2010 09:25

To be honest I've already accepted the invitation. The groom phoned as he needed my new address to send the invite to, so I accepted on the phone. It was only later when the invite came I saw the bank details thing.

From the phone call and the save the date card I had recieved previously I had assummed I was invited to the whole day but it now seems we are only invited to the evening. I do not mind only being invited to the evening as I realise the difficulites with numbers at a wedding.

However, when I had accepted I had thought we could leave about 9pm to get home as my husband is working the next day. But if we are just invited for the evening it is a long way to travel for just a few hours.

Sorry rambling on a bit.

OP posts:
fatlazymummy · 10/11/2010 09:26

If you want to go and give a gift, then deposit the amount of money you feel appropiate/affordable into the bank account.
If you don't want to give a gift then just give them a card.
Personally I wouldn't give them a set of glasses or any other gift if they don't want it.It would probably be a waste of money, and actually comes across as a little arrogant to me. It implies that you know better than they do.You also don't really know their actual financial status, you just think you do.
They probably put their bank account details on the invitation so that people felt that they could give gifts [or not,as they feel appropiate] without being judged.ie no one knows who has given what amount.

runmeragged · 10/11/2010 09:26

I would just not go to the wedding and then you won't have to give a gift.

If the request is pissing you off this much, it signifies that there are holes in the friendship anyway. If it was a very close friend, you would probably excuse this behaviour but the fact that you can't excuse it shows that there isn't much point in going the wedding. I'm not saying the behaviour is acceptable, just that the friendship might have run its course.

Original poster
susiesmith · 10/11/2010 09:30

The 'words fail me' comment was exactly how I felt when I saw it. I felt really shocked I jsut cant get my head round are they just being practical, when many people do not have a cheque book these days?

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 10/11/2010 09:35

expat why is it stupid to give your bank account details to people you know and trust?

I assume that you know and trust everyone who you invite to your wedding, anyway.

If I were planning on giving someonesome money, or wanted them to give me some money, 'here's my sort code and account number' is exactly what I would do.

Cheques are annoying - you have to go to the bank, they take time to process, from the giver's perspective if someone doesn't take your cheque to the bank immediately you might forget about it and then have the amount unexpectedly go out at an inconvenient time.

fatlazymummy · 10/11/2010 09:37

susiesmith Yes I would guess they are being practical.
Of course you could always put a crumpled up fiver in a card if it makes you feel better.

fatlazymummy · 10/11/2010 09:41

re the question of bank security, I would expect this is an extra account, and not the one they run their wages/DD's etc through.Some bank accounts are restricted anyway.

Sarsaparilllla · 10/11/2010 09:42

I think it's really stupid to give your bank details out - even if you trust those people, if they throw the invite away without shredding it anyone could get hold of the details, along with their full name & address they're asking for identity theft/fraud

They might have good jobs but they're not very clever!!!

But - loads of people ask for money for a wedding gift these days, I think it's unfair to judge them on that, it's really common.

I wouldn't buy them a gift, they've specifically not asked for glasses so why waste your money on something they don't want?

NestaFiesta · 10/11/2010 09:42

YANBU- I personally don't object to couples asking for vouchers etc but putting bank details into an invite makes the whole thing seem like a business transaction rather than a romantic day that signifies their love and committment to each other. Naff and a bit tasteless really.

When in doubt I always buy them a bottle of champagne/silver picture frame and a card. It does gall me a bit when people on bigger salaries than me ask for my money when I need every penny. A gift feels different, you decide the budget, and you feel more generous giving it.

BunnyLebowski · 10/11/2010 09:43

Common: belonging to or participated in by a community as a whole

Common: lacking refinement or cultivation or taste

Which common do you mean Sarsparilla? Wink

QuizteamBleakley · 10/11/2010 09:44

If you go into a branch of their bank and just pay in, say, a tenner you do NOT have to put your name on the pay in slip. There is, alas, always a chance that an elderly / befuddled relative / friend will do the same with a much bigger amount. Oh, the confusion Grin

This happened to my DP & I: we had a call from friends who live & married in France, thanking us for such a large donation to their honeymoon fund. We 'fessed up ages later promptly that we'd put in £100, not £500!

CrazyPlateLady · 10/11/2010 09:44

YABU, it isn't up to you to decide if they have enough money just because they earn more than you. Ok, giving out the bank details may not be the best idea but I am guessing they are trying to save the faff with money and cheques. You were perfectly happy to accept cash gifts for your wedding and give to others so why should they be any different?

We asked for money or vouchers for our wedding (close family and friends only) because we had an engagement party where we got all the household stuff we needed then as we had lived together we just didn't need anything and thought it was much better that people didn't waste their money on gifts that we wouldn't use.

That went for glasses btw. We had a couple of sets from relatives that we rarely saw. They sat in a box for a few years in the loft then they went to the charity shops. Total waste of money. We also got a lovely coffee maching from DH's family. Pity DH doesn't actually like coffee and I did use it a few times but it just wasn't worth it for me so it went eventually.

I don't see this big problem with people asking for money as gifts. Surely it is better to have something that is going to be used and not wasted? I hate it when people spend money on something that you won't use, it is a waste of their money and I always feel very guilty about that.

Lulabel27 · 10/11/2010 09:46

I think YANBU for being offended by the bank account details - that does seem like a very business-like approach to a gift.

However YABVU by going totally against any wishes and buying them "nice glasses". Nice glasses can cost up to £50 each so you'd have to spend quite a bit to do this. How do you know they'll be to their taste? Will they then have to go out and buy the whole set as I assume you won't buy red/white wine and tumblers. We got married in the summer with a gift list with a range of things from £5 upwards but still ended up with 84 picture frames and 3 sets of glasses... Guess what we've done with them...

Lulabel27 · 10/11/2010 09:48

84 was obviously an exxageration but you get the point

Montifer · 10/11/2010 09:50

I don't think YABU.
I don't like giving cash as a wedding gift, so usually give a nice bottle of champagne.
As long as they aren't teetotal, it should be gratefully received.

electra · 10/11/2010 09:50

ooh, people asking for money is so rude imo and extremely crass. But putting their bank details though -- the very height of bad taste.

YA definitely NBU