Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Not to Give a Cash Wedding Gift

188 replies

susiesmith · 10/11/2010 09:02

I have recently been invited to the evening reception of a wedding. The groom is an old friend from university. The couple are compartive to us very wealthy. I dont know exact salaries but my he is the UK General Manager of a big multinational company and she also has a 'good' job.

Anyway the wedding invitation states on it they would like a cash gift and then has their bank account details to pay money directly into there account.

I have given money as wedding gifts before (both cash and cheques)and when I married I happily accepted cheques and vouchers as gifts. But I just find it a bit much that they have put their bank details on the invite.

I think I may be more understanding of this if the couple were a bit hard up or even of similar income to us.

Anyway I dont want to just pay money into their account as requested so I thought I would buy them present. Such as some nice glasses. Is it unreasonable of me?

OP posts:

cupcakesandbunting · 10/11/2010 11:23

"It all comes down to whether you will go empty handed to a wedding and whether you want to give something you want to give or something you know they will want to receive."

Exactly.

JinnyS · 10/11/2010 11:25

I'd hate to buy a wedding gift that was donated to charity, car booted or just chucked. If I buy a present I want it to be appreciated. It's not a present for me after all. So I love wedding lists and I love cash/voucher requests even more

begonyabampot · 10/11/2010 11:25

Electra -'Whether you are going to use it or even like it is not even the point! '

Really, what a waste of say 50 or a 100 quid for everyone. You're just being ridiculous now and not very thoughtful at all.

electra · 10/11/2010 11:25

I don't agree. Presents aren't that important to me and if someone gave me a birthday gift there is no way I would give it back under any circumstances or ask for something else.

I think that asking for money in wedding invitations is the height of bad taste. When I got married presents didn't cross my mind really. I was very grateful (and surprised) at what people decided to give us. But it was their prerogative to choose those things and certainly not ours to specify them imo.

So I think we'll have to agree to differ

sparechange · 10/11/2010 11:27

On an tangent, I do love that nearly everyone who is criticising the couple for being common/crass/un-traditional/having a disregard for standards are themselves too common/crass/un-traditional/disregarding of standards to know the difference between invite (verb, to request the presence of someone) and invitation (noun, the actual bit of paper they send you)

sparechange · 10/11/2010 11:27

An tangent? an
Well I walked right into that one, didn't I

electra · 10/11/2010 11:30

So a technical grammatical error is actually worse or as bad as having bad manners?

An odd argument to make. Who said anything about anyone being 'common'? That is not a term I use for anyone actually.

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 11:31

I cannot get my head round the fact that if someone gave you a present, say an item of clothing that didn't fit, you would let it sit in a drawer or give it away rather than telling them and letting them get their money back! What a waste! I would know that a good friend would not want to buy me a present that I could not use.

perfumedlife in my (admittedly weird) head, asking for nothing while knowing that then people will probably give money is as bad as asking for money. People will know that you probably want money but think it is crass to ask. They will also feel like they have to give £20 upwards, coins look so very lonely and jingle embarassingly. So you are putting people in the same position as if you had just put money in a gift list. More awkward is if you don't have a gift list, someone asks and you say money, then as you have spoken to them personally they feel they have to give you money, it was a direct request.

begonyabampot · 10/11/2010 11:32

Presents aren't important to me either. But many at our wedding didn't have a lot of money and I would rather they came with nothing but good wishes. Just a shame that the little money they could spare went on gifts that we never used. As a guest i would rather give something that was needed or useful and not something that makes just me feel good.

sparechange · 10/11/2010 11:40

Electra, who made you are the barometer of good and bad manners?

As someone pointed out last time this topic came up (and lets face it, it is probably the MOST regular thing on AIBU now) Debretts now say it is acceptable to ask for cash gifts for wedding presents.

What I find hilarious is all the pious types who suddenly plough in with what are good and bad manners, like something out of a Nancy Mitford novel.

If you are going to decide what are good and bad manners based on some 1950s ideals, I hope to god you also remember to invite your dinner guests in the correct style, and send proper formal thank you letters when you are invited to tea with friends. And I also imagine you also get a fit of the vapours when you see someone eating in public

Or maybe you realise there are more important things in life that pretending to be upper-class and in need to subscribing to a bible of ettiquette for one day in your life, before resorting back (shock) drinking alcohol or (horror) eating on the sofa

perfumedlife · 10/11/2010 11:41

Sorry Serendippy, I might not be making myself clear here. I didn't mean say nothing in the hope people give money, not atall.

I can only speak for myself. If I get invited to a wedding, and there is no gift list, I almost always give money. Most of my circle do the same. If there is a gift list, great. I have a few aunts who will still go their own way and pick something cheap and cheerful at random. Fine.

That way, ok, I didn't buy off the list, but money means they can buy what they want. There is nothing wrong with a gift list. There is nothing wrong with no gift. It is asking for money that I find rude. In no way is that guilting folk into giving money. I mean that the people who would most likely give money will be annoyed at being asked for it, and if I was asked for money I wouldnt give it. Can only speak for myself again.

I cannot see how asking for nothing guilts people into giving money I was asked what we needed, I said nothing, as it was true. I got towels, bedlinen, vouchers, some cash, some odd ornaments and so on and all was greatly appreciated.

Just trying to get accross that the people who would give money, and there are a lot, at least in my circle, would be offended at being asked.

My ds was invited to a schoolfriends birthday party recently and the invitiation said 'no boxed gifts' I learned that meant cash only although a few others thought it meant gifts without packaging! It felt wrong seeing that on a six year old's party invite.

HarrietTheSpook · 10/11/2010 11:42

It's scary that there are people on this thread who don't think it would be any security risk to post out your bank acct details on masse. Wondering what would happen if your acct DID get hacked into if it came out you'd done that? Would insurance cover?

Anyway - yes it's TOTALLY naff. Especially for someone who is only being invited to an evening do. And if your friend put you on the spot by calling to invite and asking whether you could attend - before making clear it was only the evening do - I think that is also very much not on. But maybe I'm reading more into that.

I would send a bottle of champagne as an earlier poster suggested- a nice one- wish them well and not attend due to DH's work commitments.

HarrietTheSpook · 10/11/2010 11:42

I would send a bottle of champagne as an earlier poster suggested- a nice one- wish them well and not attend due to DH's work commitments.

piscesmoon · 10/11/2010 11:48

The bottle of champagne sounds fine to me. Otherwise I would compromise and get them a voucher from a garden centre-even if they don't have a garden they could get a nice plant.They get to choose, but you are not giving money-it is rude to ask IMO.

perfumedlife · 10/11/2010 11:50

Champagne sounds perfect, no one complains when they end up with ten bottles of that!v

electra · 10/11/2010 11:54

Why are you so obsessed with class spare change? Do you have a chip on your shoulder or something? Has nothing to do with the discussion imo.

And I'm entitled to my opinion whaetever Debretts say. So deal with it

aquavit · 10/11/2010 11:57

I think it's slightly bad form to ask for money without suggesting what it might be spent on (lots of people like to think of something more tangible than cash, don't they?). But so what? Think of it as a contribution to, say, the honeymoon. You could even suggest something along those lines in your card if you feel that you want to specify what it's for.

I think it's a bit ungenerous to dwell on it tbh. Get a gift of your choice if you really feel strongly about it - it is not all that nice to give something grudgingly - but personally I would always rather give someone what they say they want.

Laquitar · 10/11/2010 11:57

I understand that they dont want 10 toasters but the bank account is too bussiness like to me. What next? ' i invite you to my wedding, here is my car loan's direct debit details, or my tax bill you can chip in'?
Vouchers is ok.

YANBU to find it bad taste but i have to tell you my brother and his wife once refused to put money into bank account and gave present instead. 3 years later the bride still doesn't speak to them

perfumedlife · 10/11/2010 11:58

Ah, I know what I said about shooting themselves in the foot sounds wrong. Simply mean that folk who would usually give cash would not, in protest. Therefor the bride would end up with less cash by asking for it than she would if she had simply said nothing or had a list.

Op you can only go by what you feel is right. There is no right way or wrong way, just what feels right to you. I personally don't enjoy the evening only do, it doesn't feel like a wedding unless I see the marriage ceremony.

aquavit · 10/11/2010 11:59

and btw I think it's much worse form to use the word 'invite' as a noun

BunnyLebowski · 10/11/2010 11:59

Good for your brother and his wife Laquitar. That bride is clearly a whackjob.

aquavit · 10/11/2010 12:00

rofl at 'here's my tax bill'

might try that at my next birthday

perfumedlife · 10/11/2010 12:00

Wow, a bride fell out with her guest for not sending money!

So much for gifts being an optional extra.

grayal · 10/11/2010 12:03

Well, at my wedding I told people that there was no gift list and they needn't get us anything, but if they really wanted to get us something then money for our honeymoon was what we needed most. Most people were ok with this, but some were offended (older people mainly) and insisted on getting us something we didn't want/need.. I've still got a tea set that's never been opened and towels that I didn't need. Although it's the thought that counts it was a waste of their money when they could have helped us reduce the debt of the wedding. There are many cultures where money is given to the bride and groom to start them on the way, well these days it still helps to reduce the debt they get into with a wedding, and I'm all for it.

Rannaldini · 10/11/2010 12:05

op
don't sne dthem cash it's naff to ask and naff to give

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8