Not to Give a Cash Wedding Gift

[susiesmith]

Hi

I have recently been invited to the evening reception of a wedding. The groom is an old friend from university. The couple are compartive to us very wealthy. I dont know exact salaries but my he is the UK General Manager of a big multinational company and she also has a 'good' job.

Anyway the wedding invitation states on it they would like a cash gift and then has their bank account details to pay money directly into there account.

I have given money as wedding gifts before (both cash and cheques)and when I married I happily accepted cheques and vouchers as gifts. But I just find it a bit much that they have put their bank details on the invite.

I think I may be more understanding of this if the couple were a bit hard up or even of similar income to us.

Anyway I dont want to just pay money into their account as requested so I thought I would buy them present. Such as some nice glasses. Is it unreasonable of me?

Actually it's wrong to expect a gift of any sort imo. You should invite people because you want them to share in a special day in your life, not so you can can cash in big time.

nestafiesta the purpose of giving a gift isn't to make you feel more generous. It's actually supposed to benefit the recipient. What if the people actually hate champagne and silver photo frames? Would it make you feel better knowing you have spent your money on something they don't want or like?

I now live in Asia and the custom here is to give a cash gift in a red envelope. The bride and groom then use the cash to help pay for the wedding or for setting up home.

You are expected to calculate roughly how much the happy couple spent on you (ie the cost of the meal) and reimburse them that, if you can afford it.

It makes the whole thing very easy and stress free. I'd recommend it.

reimburse????

Why not just sell tickets for admission?

We asked for money or vouchers too, but we specifically used the money for our honeymoon. We paid for our wedding ourselves so if we hadn't asked for cash we wouldn't have been able to afford to go anywhere. We set up a new savings account as a 'honeymoon fund'and our friends and relatives were very generous, such that we were able to spend 3 weeks travelling around Europe. Our honeymoon was unforgettable, much more so than household items (which we didn't need anyway, we'd lived together for 2 years before we got married). Some people got us John Lewis vouchers, which was also great.

Someone got us a set of crystal champagne flutes. They are lovely and it was a generous gift and nice thought, but are still in the box.

Lots of people ask for money these days. If you don't feel comfortable with it, why not get them vouchers instead? Then they can at least choose something they want/need.

Why bother giving them anything? The idea of giving a present is that you get something you hope they will like. They have told you what they would like and you are choosing to disregard that because it doesn't suit you, and give them something they probably don't want but you think they should have. If it was me I'd rather you didn't get me anything than be so resentful and holier than thou about it. Would you have given them what they wanted if you had been invited to the whole day? Pathetic.

Well the Chinese custom did at first seem very odd, however now I've been to a few of these weddings I've got used to it. I can't say I am remotely offended. And yes the idea is to reimburse if you can. Or to give as much as you received from the same person for your wedding. The red envelopes can be anonymous- you don't have to put your name on.

there is no more info in giving bank account details out than when you someone a cheque- a cheque contains your account number, sort code and branch.

i would go and not give a second thought to the gift. they may not be in the slightest bothered about a gift. if you cannot afford one or do not want to give them a cash donation then seriously do not sweat. It sounds like they want you to go- hence the trouble over getting your new address.

they may feel that they do not need anything specific and want to avoid a load of stuff they dont need. You may have felt happier giving vouchers but for heavens sake the difference between the 2 things is minimal.

I don't think YABU. I don't understand why people ask for certain gifts when it's their wedding! If you're having a birthday party you don't do it so why on a wedding invitation.

We're invited to a Wedding at the end of the month where they've asked for money towards their honeymoon. We got married in August, they attended and what did they give us? Nowt! Ok, so we didn't ask for anything as I hate it and find it grabby and we didn't expect anything, but don't go to someone else's wedding empty handed and expect gifts of cash at your own, FGS! I expect that the honeymoon is already booked and paid for and they'll be going whether we give them the money or not. I will get them a gift but it will be something that I choose to give.

(Sorry gone off on a bit of a tangent there )

"I don't understand why people ask for certain gifts when it's their wedding"

The 'wedding list' is pretty traditional to avoid duplications and unwanted gifts. These days, so many people have already set up the home before getting married that household gifts like wine glasses and toasters are not required. So stipulating cash, vouchers or even donations to charity isn't all that unusual.

It's not grabby, it's traditional ffs. Since time began it has been traditional to give a gift at a wedding, don't kid yourself that it isn't. Don't give a gift if it offends you so much but making the couple out to be greedy is absurd.

YABU. When I got married, some of our guests dodn't get us gifts because they were skint or forgot or whatever (I'm assuming, didn't chase them up and ask them!) No worries, we didn't expect gifts from everyone, we did a gift list so that it was easier for people who did choose to get us a gift and they all got us something useful that we wanted. If you don't want to give them something useful, don't give them anything. Or give them something really really personal and unique. But do not decide that they don't need the money, as you say you were grateful for it at your wedding.

*Common: belonging to or participated in by a community as a whole

Common: lacking refinement or cultivation or taste

Which common do you mean Sarsparilla?
*

I thought given the context it was obvious I meant the first definition

YANBU It is beyond vulgar to ask for money.

Like you, I regularly give a cash gift as it's too difficult to choose for people who are already set up. But if an invite acutally stipulated cash i would not give it. It is rude to expect gifts and to actually ask is awful.

They are shooting themselves in the foot here. If they just left it blank, most people would ask the parents or bride what they needed and when told nothing, would put cash in an envelope.

It's crass

Wow rockbird defensive much? I'm guessing you were one of these 'If you want to attend my wedding then get your chequebook out' bridezillas?

And here was lil old me thinking that weddings were a day to celebrate your love and union with the people who matter most to you and not a cynical cash-making venture where the goal is to reimburse yourself for the lavish venue/dress/honeymoon that you have chosen to have .

When DH and I got married we had already been together 12yrs, had children of 6 & 3,
We didnt actually ask for presents but were asked by friends and family, but when asked what we would like for a wedding present, we asked for vouchers and money was that so bad?

I know it's tradition! It's also traditional to give someone a birthday present but never once have I received a birthday party invitation with a notice at the bottom saying: "I'm saving for a new TV so money towards that please!" I also know that people live together before they get married - I was one! It is grabby and fussy! You might as well put: "if you're going to get us a gift it's probably going to be shit and not to our taste so we'd like the money!"

This subject comes up regularly and regularly there are two opposing views that will never merge.

If you need nothing because you are set up already, say you need nothing. People who wouldnt dream of going empty handed will put cash in an envelope. That's most people. People who cannot afford much and would rather buy something small will still do so. If you say cash or vouchers it puts pressure on people who have little to spend.

And that is vulgar

Seriously, I am weirded out by this apparent vitriol for couples who are upfront enough to tell people they don't want a hundred toasters/kettles and need the cash for something else.

If you weren't going to get them a gift anyway, then don't give them the cash. I think that it is rude to attend a wedding without an offering but I see why some (tight) people might not. If you were going to buy them a gift, wouldn't you rather know that your money was helping the couple buy something much needed than being shoved into the back of a cupboard? I know I would, as I hate wasting cash on things not wanted.

Some people are weird.

Exactly BL.

MJ66, no I don't think it is if guests ask what you would like. We didn't ask for anything but some friends asked what we needed/wanted. I told them not to get anything but if they insisted I said vouchers.

Putting bank details on the invite is a little tacky. They should just ask for cash & pass a bucket around at the reception.

It's a very modern dilemma isn't it - they probably have a house full of stuff already and don't want to do a wedding list style thing, nor do they want to receive a bunch of well meaning gifts that are crap unwanted & unneeded. But people do want to give gifts & it is traditional at weddings.

OP it does seem that you were happy to receive gifts of money at your wedding & you're just peeved that some who is 'better off' than you would also prefer cash to buy something they want/need rather than random gifts. Would it help you to think that what they are doing is environmentally friendly?

In fact you could look at the bank details another way as it's potentially a very annonymous way of gifting. Guests can deposit cash & they won't know who it's from. So give them a tenner, or nothing at all - I don't think they will be that bothered TBH.

I actually agree with Rockbird.

"You have specified what you would like as a gift but I want to buy you this so that's what you've got."

Seems a bit arsey to me.

YANBU - the purpose of the wedding list was to enable to newly-weds to set up their home. If they already have everything for their home, then no gifts are required. Asking for money to boost their bank accounts is greedy IMO. My cousin asked for money for her honeymoon - I did not feel like paying for someone else's holiday, so she got a small M&S voucher.

If you've just been invited to the evening bash and it's a long drive for you, I wouldn't bother going anyway. Weddings are dull enough without adding a long drive to the equation.

Well if someone buys my child a gift for her birthday that she already has or doesn't use, I don't then decide the next year to put out a notice asking for money, because it's the thought that counts. End of.

People think they are so entitled it's untrue. And I've noticed that there's nothing like a wedding to turn someone into a spoiled brat tbh. It's a shame.