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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to Give a Cash Wedding Gift

188 replies

susiesmith · 10/11/2010 09:02

I have recently been invited to the evening reception of a wedding. The groom is an old friend from university. The couple are compartive to us very wealthy. I dont know exact salaries but my he is the UK General Manager of a big multinational company and she also has a 'good' job.

Anyway the wedding invitation states on it they would like a cash gift and then has their bank account details to pay money directly into there account.

I have given money as wedding gifts before (both cash and cheques)and when I married I happily accepted cheques and vouchers as gifts. But I just find it a bit much that they have put their bank details on the invite.

I think I may be more understanding of this if the couple were a bit hard up or even of similar income to us.

Anyway I dont want to just pay money into their account as requested so I thought I would buy them present. Such as some nice glasses. Is it unreasonable of me?

OP posts:

electra · 10/11/2010 12:06

You can get married without getting into debt though.

Rockbird · 10/11/2010 12:10

So the objection is them putting their bank details? You wouldn't mind giving them a cheque which no one uses any more. Maybe they should have sent the invitations by carrier pigeon, you could have send your acceptance by telex. We have moved on you know.

If you are going to a wedding and want to give a gift, presumably it's because you like the couple and want them to have a lovely day and be happy. Some of you are so bloody miserable, whinging on about it. If you like them, do what they want with good grace. If you don't like them, refuse the invitation and send nothing. Either is preferable than sitting here moaning and bashing your gums to complete strangers about it. That makes you look childish and lacking in any sort of dignity. You know, it's their day not yours so this me me me stuff is tedious.

elphabadefiesgravity · 10/11/2010 12:10

YANBU. Besides if you have only been invited to the evening a card is enough.

boiledegg1 · 10/11/2010 12:12

Asking for vouchers is ok,or for a contribution to something specific such as a honeymoon, but just to ask for cash for nothing in particular and to put bank details in the invitation is asking to put your guests backs up. No one likes to feel that they might be contributing to the happy couple's gas bill!

I would give them a card, or a nice bottle of champagne as someone else suggested.

grayal · 10/11/2010 12:15

Yet to meet someone who hasn't got into debt with a wedding!!!

boiledegg1 · 10/11/2010 12:19

We didn't get into debt, neither did my best friend. If you want to be married rather than having all the trimmings, it isn't that expensive.

electra · 10/11/2010 12:22

I agree with boiled egg.

I would say that good grace equates with treating your guests with respect and caring about their feelings enough not to treat them like a cash cow!

diddl · 10/11/2010 12:29

I thought invitations requested "the pleasure of your company"

perfumedlife · 10/11/2010 12:30

I didn't get into debt. I just had a budget, did without the naff (imo) favours and other fripperies. I also had an entirly free bar. I really don't get how you can invite people to a party and yet hold the do in a place where a gin and tonic costs eight quid. I like to give a party, as in, give them a nice evening, just as i would if the do was at home.

I think people get upset at being asked for money for two reasons. It's rude, and also the wedding already costs the guests a fair bit to attend. There is transport, hotels sometimes, time off, babysitters and outfits. It just seems the wedding party is costing everyone dear, and the asking for cash tops it off nicely.

elphabadefiesgravity · 10/11/2010 12:31

I actually think it is rude to enclose wedding gift lists with the actual invitation and it should only be sent on afterwards when requested (used to be the bride's mother who sent it).

capricorn76 · 10/11/2010 12:40

YANBU! You are not even invited to the actual wedding which I'm assuming includeds the main meal. So you will only be at the disco/buffet part of the event?

There is nothing wrong with saying 'IFyou would like to give us a gift, we would prefer vouchers or cash' but to actually add your bank accouunt details is beyong grabby and tacky. I probably wouldn't go. This wedding sounds more like a business transaction and the sour taste that would be in my mouth resulting from being told I'm only invited to the evening then given bank details to deposit cash would probably prevent me from properly enjoying myself anyway.

There's nothing wrong wth requesting cash or vouchers, its the fact that by adding the bank details they've made it seem like a demand.

expatinscotland · 10/11/2010 12:57

I agree with electra.

Look, OP, you got asked to evening do to raise more cash.

You only agreed to go verbally, it's not set in stone.

Send back the RSVP card with your 'sorry, cannot attend'. If they ask why, say another commitment came up and then make one up: on the day treat yourself and your husband to a nice meal out instead.

cupcakesandbunting · 10/11/2010 13:02

Oh and FWIW, I have been invited to an evening only reception in December and the cheeky beggars have asked us for cash.

Erm, no, you're alright thanks.

thumbwitch · 10/11/2010 13:14

While I don't think it is necessarily right that they have put their bank details in the wedding invitation, I can see that it would be helpful to have gifts given that way.
Direct transfer saves so much time and effort and should also show up who gave what, saving the need for a written list which could get lost. It also removes any risk of loss of cash or cheques on the day of the wedding (which can happen).

However, it doesn't feel very comfortable and I'm not sure I'd be happy to receive an invitation like that, although, like the OP, I have had several that have requested gifts, IF ANY, to be of the monetary variety and that hasn't bothered me in the slightest.

Woodhen · 10/11/2010 13:23

I actually really dislike giving money and always just buy a gift - if they want to return it thats up to them.

poppyknot · 10/11/2010 13:35

I am most bothered about the mass sending out of bank details (Caution is my second name and DH is a keen shreddrer!)

I don't think the loss of cash is avoided. Mistyping the bank details is a classic way of losing money.......... Banks are not so willing to retrieve money lost this way.

Back onto the AIBU in hand - a lovely card and a bottle of champagne.

Original poster

susiesmith · 10/11/2010 15:11

As capricorn stated

There's nothing wrong wth requesting cash or vouchers, its the fact that by adding the bank details they've made it seem like a demand.

Aquavit they did actually say the money would be spent on the honeymoon.

In terms of not going - as mentioned I had verbally accepted on the phone and then when the invitation came it mentioned all details about the church and time so I assumed I was invited all day and formally accepted. However, I then had an email from the bride stating it was only for the evening. All a bit confusing really!

Anyway I would like to point out my issue with the bank details is totally seperate as whether it is a day or evening invitation - I would feel the same either way.

Btw why I mentioned that they are so much better off than us is because I would feel awkward giving them £20 as i know that is a very small sum to them but I know if I spent some time shopping could buy a nice gift for that amount.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 10/11/2010 15:20

People cancel, you know, susie. I mean, the bride, from the sounds of it, cocked up and invited you all day, then sent an email to tell you no, just evening and you think you can't send her an email back to say, 'Sorry, can't make it?' I mean, these people are pretty crass. I don't see what's so bad about telling them, now, that you won't be coming along.

In fact, I can't understand why you'd want to go to the evening do of such people.

ChippingIn · 10/11/2010 15:33

If you don't really want to go, then just tell him that you thought it would be during the day and that you could leave earlier, but that as it's just for the evening it's really not practical as you have to leave not long after you've arrived!

It's pretty crass to put your bank details on a wedding invitation and I completely see your point re £20 in the bank v finding a nice present, however, I guess they don't want lots of 'nice presents' they feel under pressure to keep, when they might not be to their taste. Hmmm tricky.

Why not get them a 'silly present' for their honeymoon, you know one of those boxes with lickable body paint, hand cuffs etc... or bottle of champagne etc something they can 'use up' rather than something they have to keep?

expatinscotland · 10/11/2010 16:20

'Why not get them a 'silly present' for their honeymoon, you know one of those boxes with lickable body paint, hand cuffs etc... '

I'd chuck something like that straight in the bin.

But I agree with ChippingIn's response wrt declining the invite.

sapphireblue · 10/11/2010 16:21

So they're sending out invites which presumably contain their names, address (for rsvp purposes) and bank details? Are they farking stupid??!

I personally think it's cheeky to ask for money. Whether or not you give them money pretty much depends on how badly you want to go to the wedding. No point buying them glasses instead - they won't appreciate it and will probably think you are being rude.

Either give them cash or don't go.

Laquitar · 10/11/2010 16:45

Oh and if you sent them an email make it very bussiness like and mention a secretary or accountant

pointydog · 10/11/2010 16:54

yanbu. They sound like greedy buggers.

Quenelle · 10/11/2010 16:58

If you want to give them a gift but don't want to give cash take a bottle of champagne or good wine, don't buy them something they will never use, and probably won't even keep, that's just wasteful.

pointydog · 10/11/2010 16:59

Buy them some molton and brown handwash stuff. I'm sure that would be useful.

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