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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to Give a Cash Wedding Gift

188 replies

susiesmith · 10/11/2010 09:02

Hi

I have recently been invited to the evening reception of a wedding. The groom is an old friend from university. The couple are compartive to us very wealthy. I dont know exact salaries but my he is the UK General Manager of a big multinational company and she also has a 'good' job.

Anyway the wedding invitation states on it they would like a cash gift and then has their bank account details to pay money directly into there account.

I have given money as wedding gifts before (both cash and cheques)and when I married I happily accepted cheques and vouchers as gifts. But I just find it a bit much that they have put their bank details on the invite.

I think I may be more understanding of this if the couple were a bit hard up or even of similar income to us.

Anyway I dont want to just pay money into their account as requested so I thought I would buy them present. Such as some nice glasses. Is it unreasonable of me?

OP posts:
begonyabampot · 10/11/2010 10:44

I've changed my mind about these things. Used to think wedding lists were vulgar and crass, now I think they are a great idea. The couple get something useful, you don't have to rack your brain thinking of a present. I still have a loftful of presents (13 yrs on) which have never been used - what a waste. Money is the same, much more use to the couple. IO'm sure if you'd rather buy them a more personal present they would be delighted, you don't have to give them money. In many Chinese weddings guests greet the couple and give them envelopes with money (at least enough to cover the cost of them being a guest) so the couple can have a big, extravagant wedding. Think that is a great idea though when I invite someone I'm equally pleased if they turn up with nothing but genuine good wishes.

cupcakesandbunting · 10/11/2010 10:45

I don't think that people think they are entitled. I think that people know that most guests will be buying a gift. If you don't have a wedding list, which lots of people don't now, you are going to have a hundred people ringing you to see what you'd like. If you don't need a house full of items, what do you suggest that they tell guests they would like? A pious "your presence is a gift in itself?" Then they will get you a gift anyway, probably something that you don't need. Silly waste of money IMO.

FernieB · 10/11/2010 10:46

Agree with you electra - the more people they invite, the more cash they get!

WanderingSheep · 10/11/2010 10:48

Exactly Electra!

taintedpaint · 10/11/2010 10:49

YANBU.

A wedding is a time to celebrate a couples happiness and unity, not a chance for them to grab every penny they can from their guests. I find it crass and rude to ask for money and I will not give it myself (I will ask the couple what I can get them as a gift, or give a donation in their name to charity). If you already have everything for your home and you still insist that you want presents, a reasonable request would be to ask that your guests make donations to a charity that means something to you. You should not ask them to pay for your wedding or honeymoon. If you can't afford to do these things without holding out your hand to your guests, you need to scale down. It is not the responsibility of your nearest or dearest to fund your day or your holiday.

I'm fairly certain I've said it before on MN, but the only time I feel it is appropriate to mention money is if you are specifically asked by your guests what you would like, as you have not included a wedding list.

cupcakesandbunting · 10/11/2010 10:50

"YANBU - the purpose of the wedding list was to enable to newly-weds to set up their home."

Just because they don't need the usual wedding list items, doesn't mean that the money isn't being used to set up their home.

We asked for Ikea vouchers to help pay for a kitchen (we didn't have one when we moved in and it would have taken us ages to save for it) Although I did only ask for the vouchers if asked what we'd like. Was I supposed to lie and say "oh I could really use another toilet brush"? Hmm

taintedpaint · 10/11/2010 10:52

Oh, and the thing about putting bank details on the wedding invitation?

electra · 10/11/2010 10:53

Putting your bank account number on the invitation is entirely different from having a wedding list. If you have everything you need there is no way you should be asking for money. What is a the point of a gift which will hardly be remembered or cherished if it's money going into a black hole? It's gratuitous. It's also a ridiculous cliche to say that everyone buys toasters.

cupcakesandbunting · 10/11/2010 10:55

Oh sorry, electra. I will think up some better cliches when holding highly intellectual debates on a web forum in future.

needafootmassage · 10/11/2010 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FernieB · 10/11/2010 10:56

cupcakesandbunting I agree with you. Asking for vouchers for a specific shop to buy an expensive item is the same as a wedding list to set up a home. I just don't think that asking for money, whether it's to fund the wedding or the honeymoon is okay. If they can't afford it themselves, they shouldn't have it.

cupcakesandbunting · 10/11/2010 10:59

FernieB, the OP doesn't mention what this couple will be using the cash for. Most people have assumed it's to fatten their bank balance.

FWIW as far as I know, the majority of my guests were happy to help fund a desperately needed kitchen (especially as we invited them round for a party when it was completed) apart from two elderly aunts who insisted on buying minging vases. Vases ffs. I'd rather have just had a card tbh.

electra · 10/11/2010 11:02

I'm not sure what the need for sarcasm is, cupcakes - if I'm going to a wedding I try to choose a gift which is both original but also something that most people would appreciate and would be able to use. Wedding gifts don't have to be a toaster or money.

FindingMyMojo · 10/11/2010 11:05

"if I'm going to a wedding I try to choose a gift which is both original but also something that most people would appreciate and would be able to use"

Yep that is the danger of not having a list or asking for vouchers/cash. You end up with 50-100 "original" items to appreciate & use forever - >

begonyabampot · 10/11/2010 11:05

sure the people who bought me original, thoughtful gifts thought like you Electra, but many still ended up in the loved. I appreciated them just the same, just weren't useful or my cup of tea.

cupcakesandbunting · 10/11/2010 11:07

Sorry electra, I just don't like being told that my cliches aren't up to scratch Wink

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 11:08

Asking for nothing while knowing that it will guilt people into giving you cash or vouchers is worse, IMO, than having a wedding list which ranges from wooden spoons at 50p each to more expensive items. Some of my friends bought me individual kitchen utensils for under a fiver when I got married, if I had not specified they would have put loads more than £4.25 into an envelope. If you really want nothing, specify an anonymous donation to charity.

If you have not included a wedding list and people ask what you want and you say 'money', they will still feel they have to give you a larger amount than a gift may cost. Giving the option of low denomination vouchers or anonymous donations into bank accounts is much less grabby. All those of you who have said, 'don't give a wedding list, it is crass, people will give you cash anyway if you don't have one', shame on you!

electra · 10/11/2010 11:08

if you actually know your guests well you should be able to buy them something they would like / be able to use.

And if all else fails why not something food - orientated? Vouchers for a meal out somewhere nice / a gift experience that will appeal. Who doesn't like food, after all?

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 11:11

My BIL once worked in a restaurant. He and his wife got a free meal there once every 6 months. They had free food but had to pay for the wine, a babysitter and either drive and pay for parking or pay for a taxi. They never went. Vouchers are a good idea but many people can't afford the extras.

electra · 10/11/2010 11:11

I'm just not buying the idea that it's ever ok to assume you can ask for money to be transferred into your account. I would not dream of it.

JinnyS · 10/11/2010 11:14

I was uncomfortable asking for money and ended up with vitually nothing on my wedding list and a load of stuff I hated and would never have dreamed of having. That included 3 silver photo frames :(

Either give them what they ask for or give them nothing. They'll probably never notice. They will definitely notice a set of glasses they didn't want and don't like

electra · 10/11/2010 11:14

Whether you are going to use it or even like it is not even the point! You appreciate the thought and be grateful for that. If you can't use it, tough - the point of a wedding is to celebrate a special day in your life with those your care about. Not to use it as an opportunity to cash in at the expense of your guests and expect to get exactly what you need.

Do any of us behave like this when it's our birthday or our child's birthday??

cupcakesandbunting · 10/11/2010 11:15

I went to five weddings last year, all of people I consider to be close friends. I would have still hated having the pressure of buying them an unspecified gift, even though I "know" their tastes.

Serendippy · 10/11/2010 11:18

electra you clearly have cash to chuck around if you will spend it on something people will not use or even like. And yes, we do behave like this when it's our birthdays. If someone bought me a ticket to see a west end show and I couldn't afford the train to London and associated costs I would offer to give it back to them, thank them and suggest that maybe we went out locally for a meal instead. I would hate to think of a friend giving me a gift that I could not use and did not want. I am sure most people would not want to give a friend such a pointless gift either.

It all comes down to whether you will go empty handed to a wedding and whether you want to give something you want to give or something you know they will want to receive.

perfumedlife · 10/11/2010 11:21

Serendippy I think you might be referring to my post. I have no issue with wedding lists, I never did say that anywhere. I explained why I think it is vulgar to ask for money on the invite. I said that I would mostly give money, gift list or not. If others are wishing to spend less, gift list is great. But even better is buying something not on the list, in that it will be unclear how much they spent if they are embarrassed.

The bottom line is, if you need nothing for your home, say you need nothing. People are not daft, they know money is always handy to have. It's the asking for it that is crass.

People harp on about it being silly to have ten toasters therefor they are doing guest a favour telling them money. What rot. If they need nothing, say so and leave it to intelligent people to decide what to give. Toasters can be donated to charity, everybody wins.

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