Not to Give a Cash Wedding Gift

[susiesmith]

Hi

I have recently been invited to the evening reception of a wedding. The groom is an old friend from university. The couple are compartive to us very wealthy. I dont know exact salaries but my he is the UK General Manager of a big multinational company and she also has a 'good' job.

Anyway the wedding invitation states on it they would like a cash gift and then has their bank account details to pay money directly into there account.

I have given money as wedding gifts before (both cash and cheques)and when I married I happily accepted cheques and vouchers as gifts. But I just find it a bit much that they have put their bank details on the invite.

I think I may be more understanding of this if the couple were a bit hard up or even of similar income to us.

Anyway I dont want to just pay money into their account as requested so I thought I would buy them present. Such as some nice glasses. Is it unreasonable of me?

I wouldn't bother putting yourself out for an evening do only.If you are really good friends with someone then they will invite you to the whole day, if your on the second tier of friendship then why bother if this is making you fret.

Wedding invite numbers are brutal due to costs, so people are literally deciding who they like the most/what irritating relatives do they have to invite. But the whole point of a wedding is the ceremony.

'Yet to meet someone who hasn't got into debt with a wedding!' We didn't, as my Dad paid for the majority of it and had the money saved, and my in laws picked up the tab for the church flowers and some of the drink at the reception.

I would give champagne or a box of mixed bottles of wine. We had that as a gift and it was very nice too.

Putting bank details on is crass, IMO, people can give cheques or cash.

Buying someone glasses they didn't ask for however, is rubbish. I got wine glasses for one of my wedding gifts, despite me stating cash or B&Q vouchers were preferred (we are doing up the house, what we need is sinks, and doors and stuff, not kitchenware and linen) and doing a wedding list for those that didn't like my choice. I already have a load of wine glasses, and neither of us drink wine, so really that was a waste of the guest's money as they will end up in the back of a cupboard collecting dust.

YANBU asking for cash and giving bank account details is vulgar. Not keen on the notion of invitations to evening receptions either. IMO one's friends are important enough for the wedding too. Don't like the two tier approach at all.

Thanks everyone for your help, i am increasingly thinking I should not go .

Why waste your time, susie? You're second tier to them, except when it comes to your money.

Only go if you really want to, not because you think you ought to.

What happened to ''No presents,just your Presence!''

When will you middle class stop being so materialistic.
Grow up all you Hyacinth Bucket's !!

I wouldn´t go.

The bank details would piss be off, but not as much as being sent an invitation & then having it retracted

If it´s not convenient to just go to the evening reception, don´t go.

Hell, if it´s convenient & you just don´t want to, then don´t go!

The only bit that bugs me is you focussing on them being well off. As previous posters have said - how do you really know? And are you saying that people who are not badly off don't deserve wedding presents?

Some people appear to be skint, but have huge savings (they're thrifty). Some people appear to be rich but are in horrible debt. You can't tell and you shouldn't base your present giving plans on it imo.

Retracting the invitation shows just what they think of you and their level of manners.

If I'd have made a mistake like that, it would never have crossed my mind to retract it. I'd have just sucked it up.

This isn't a wedding, it's a show off event that expects a backdoor admission charge.

I think it is a bit cheeky to outright ask for cash, Also I think it would put some people off going at all and I would rather people were there to celebrate the day.

My friends got married and had a wee poem about how they'd been together for 15 years so had everything so no presents just your presence so we immediately gave cash. I think that is a much politer way of saving we'd rather money and no photo frames.

But I'd rather people didn't know the value of the presents I was giving.

My MIL stock buys presents all year round in the sales, nice towels etc last week she got a double duvet set 70% off in debenhams but when she got to the check out it was £2!!! Someone is getting that as a lovely gift! She just couldn't afford to give cash for everything!

Yes, I would buy a present. I'm quite a good present buyer, so would think of something that they'd like.

I wouldn't give cash - maybe M&S vouchers at a push.

I prefer the Asian way. You can't say over 1 billion people are wrong just because it doesn't fit with your cultural beliefs.

My sister married into an Irish family and got similar howls of outrage when she asked for red envelopes rather than gifts. Envelopes could be anonymous if guest wished so.

One envelope had 1 Euro in it. Guess it wasn't from our side of the family .

My friends, who are a bit hard up, put their bank details in the wedding invitation. It was a great wedding which we enjoyed thoroughly. I gave them a red envelope on the day. Friend opened it in front of me, counted the cash, put it in his wallet and chucked the envelope away. The height of bad manners . Still love them to bits though!

All the people that thought they were good present buyers and bought something they thought I'd like were wrong. That's my fault for being polite about the stuff they buy for themselves I guess :(

I think that if you can't let the bride and groom have the day that they want then you should send apologies.

In my experience it's the people that were invited for politeness/inclusion that did the most grumbling about travel, venue, our wedding list etc. I wish I'd never asked them.

In this case the bride and groom do seem quite rude in changing your invitation. Maybe my naughty streak would kick in and I'd buy them something vile from the poundshop

It is always rude to mention presents in a wedding invite. People are honouring you by sharing your special day. The present is an added extra. Obviously, most people will buy a present and I think it is fine to have a gift list, but it doesn't need to go in with the invite.

What people do in other cultures is really irrelevent, unless you are part of that culture.

Actually BunnyLebowski I wasn't. I did have a huge fight with MIL because she wanted us to have a wedding list and we didn't want to specify anything at all. In the end she bullied us into the wedding list for her side of the family. We both lived at home before we got married so had nothing in the way of 'house stuff at all. Hence the not being bothered about specific things.

So it's nothing to do with being defensive. It's just so funny that you lot can't hear yourselves, going on about how self centred and grasping the couple must be and oblivious to how self centred you are yourselves so be so determined to not give the couple what they want, but what you want instead.

I think it depends how the invitation was worded. If they'd written something along the lines of 'As you know, we set up home together x period of time ago. If you are able to contribute to our honeymoon fund, we would greatly appreciate it', then I wouldn't be offended. I don't think they should have put their bank details - too presumptuous.

I think it is unreasonable to say 'I want to get them this', when you know it is not what they want. The point of a gift is that you think about the recipient, not about yourself.

In light of your later post saying that they have 'uninvited' you from the day, I would be tempted not to go at all. That is unforgivably rude on their part.

This is what I'd give them - neutral, tasteful personal - & utterly worthless to anyone else so they can't give it away! If they don't like it, they can put it in the garden!

YANBU. I'd RSVP and explain that you don't really like sugared almonds, so instead of a wedding favour you'd just like the cash.

doodlenoowhy would you spend £39 on something completely and utterly pointless? If you have money to waste then why not donate it to a charity instead?

Or actually, tell them you don't trust then to pick nice food for the guests, so if they could just give you the cash for the meal, you'll get a takeaway on the way home.

...or this if you're not feeling so flush!

Well, having said that I think you should go along with what they want (and I'd stick with that with regard to the gift, although I take your point that £20 has less impact in the form of cash - but still, that's what they have asked for), I'm now appalled that they were rude enough to send you the full invitation, then back track and say it was for the evening only!

I don't have anything against evening only invitations (chose not to do it myself, but have seen friends do it where e.g. space is restricted in the wedding venue but not the evening one, or they are trying to keep meal costs down and thought that was absolutely fair enough) - but that is a not a nice way for them to go about it.

Mackerel, they were dis-invited to the meal. They got the full invite, the bride and groomed cocked up and sent them that, then the bride retracted the invite by email and told the OP they were only invited to the evening do.

I wouldn't bother going.

In fact, I'd get these people out of my life entirely.