Not to Give a Cash Wedding Gift

[susiesmith]

Hi

I have recently been invited to the evening reception of a wedding. The groom is an old friend from university. The couple are compartive to us very wealthy. I dont know exact salaries but my he is the UK General Manager of a big multinational company and she also has a 'good' job.

Anyway the wedding invitation states on it they would like a cash gift and then has their bank account details to pay money directly into there account.

I have given money as wedding gifts before (both cash and cheques)and when I married I happily accepted cheques and vouchers as gifts. But I just find it a bit much that they have put their bank details on the invite.

I think I may be more understanding of this if the couple were a bit hard up or even of similar income to us.

Anyway I dont want to just pay money into their account as requested so I thought I would buy them present. Such as some nice glasses. Is it unreasonable of me?

YANBU. Asking for a gift of any sort is crass, particularly in this day and age. The idea of a wedding list was so that young couples who were starting out and had little money could specify the stuff they really needed for their homes eg a kettle, toaster etc. These days most couples live together before hand and have these sorts of things and generally the standard of living is much higher.

If a couple is not so well off then it would be reasonable to maybe specify a gift list (never ask for cash, it's just rude)but beyond that it should be up to the guest to choose a gift or ask the couple if there's anything they'd like.

I'm sick of being asked to pay for people's holidays ("honeymoons" taken a year after the wedding) who can easily afford their own holidays and the attitude towards the wedding being "if I'm going to be spending so much on my wedding day then I'm damn well sure I'm getting some good presents and cash out of it"- I have heard this said more than once. One couple even asked their guests to donate towards the actual wedding itself- the dress, the meal etc. These were not poverty stricken people.

People should choose to get married because they love one another and want to celebrate and mark their commitment in front of friends and family, not so that they can get a load of presents or cash.

I would not give cash. It's grasping to ask and not what a wedding should be about.

Well said, littlemiss!

I think this is pretty tasteless, tbh. As others have said, very businesslike and crude.

I'd be tempted to say 'I've given you a really special present. I've given your bank details to a lovely Nigerian who is going to make you a whole wad of cash.'

Because dh especially wanted to be kind we made an extremely generous deposit into the requested bank account for the wedding of a nephew. 18 months on our gift has still not even been acknowledged (other than indirectly by dh's brother which proves it arrived) never mind thanked which has rather put me off the whole transfer thing. I don't really think it's unreasonable to suggest money to close family, but not in a demanding/expecting way. In some cultures money is the norm, but even then I'm not sure it's ok to include your bank details with the invitation.

oh yuck! I'm not totally anti money as a wedding present - but to ask for it in such a way is incredibly crass.

I am embarrassed for them

To ask for money ON your wedding invitation, and to provide instructions as to how to cough up is vulgar beyond words. Yes, cash gifts are acceptable, but this sounds like buying a ticket to attend.

If I could think of a colour to match the act of depositing money into the bride and grooms' bank account - it would be slate blue.

It has a cold sparse precision about it - like cool slate blue.

YANBU. A cash gift is one thing if that's what you want to give. But transferring money to thier bank account is very ofdd and I would feel very uncomfortable doing that.

May be I'm old fashioned, (and I'm not that old)but it never used to be pc to include your present list in with the invite anyway. If you accepted the invite, you then asked for the present list if you wished to buy a present.

Sad when folk are so crass. Nothing wrong with asking for money as an item at the end of a wedding list, but actually putting bank details on an invitation?! (Btw nothing "wrong" with language evolving. Many folk today use "invite" as a noun, I hate it when folk try to make out there's a "right" and "wrong" when it comes to grammar) Astonished that so many are completely satisfied with what they have! Lucky things! I have had my own home for more than thirty years and certainly don't need anything, however, I could easily fill a list of things I want but would never dream of buying for myself!
"Nobody uses cheques anymore". Heard that one a few times; presents at the click of a mouse...hmm...one step removed from sending the secretary out. Are we all such couch potatoes these days (or too busy) that we can't be bothered to shop, or at least visit the bank for a counter cheque? Although my marriage crumbled after 31 years and I am now a single parent, I still look at things around my home which were given as wedding presents and fondly remember the givers. I understand that it can be difficult to give money to someone clearly much better off, it takes away the personal touch, as in "I haven't much money, but the time I spent and the care I took over choosing this present for you are an indication of my fondness for you". When you invite someone to any function they are your guest and it behoves you to make them feel comfortable and valued, giving less well off friends no option but to give you a present of cash is not the friendliest thing to do imho.

Rant over!

Really well put 'thelibster', you have managed to get into words some of how I am feeling.

Just ignore the money request and buy them something. I would.

We had friends who had two weddings as he is english and she isn't.

His family didn't attend 'her' wedding. We were invited and went. We thought that was it and took along a gift as you do.

We were told at that wedding that there would be another english wedding for his side of the family to which we would be invited.

For that wedding they asked for cash on the invite. We went. Empty handed.

We had given a gift already.

The funny thing is he rang a few days after to thank us for the gift although they had been so busy they hadn't got round to listing what everyone had given so didn't actually know what our gift was.

I boldy told him he was very welcome for 'x' gift we had given him at the first wedding!

Why would anyone want cash to help with a honeymoon ect.. when they can have 20 toasters 15 towel bales and a cut glass punch bowl.

I dont think it would be quite so tacky if they were asking for money or vouchers towards something they were saving for, honeymoon/furniture/deposit for a house etc, or for a charity donation, but to add the bank account details seems a bit grasping to me.

Susie - I've always been told that gifts are only given by people invited to the whole day. One of my Uni friends married recently, we were invited to the ceremony and the evening but not to the wedding breakfast in the middle. Fair enough if that's her choice but half of us had to disappear half way through the day and the friendship group was split in half - some for the whole day, some for half. Luckily DP and I live near her family home so were able to go back to our flat for lunch etc. If we hadn't have been we wouldn't have gone as we couldn't afford a hotel, especially not for something we weren't invited to the whole of.

She and the Groom are religious and moved in together after the wedding so we all got them kettles, toasters etc. We bought a household gift between the two of us. She's still at Uni and the rest of us were either at Uni or poor graduates at the time so cheap household items were a practical option. As we were only invited to two thirds of the day we bought what we could afford as we were surviving on just DP's income at the time. The gift list was very expensive (some items £100 plus) so we just bought one of the cheapest things we could (£25) and were done with it.

This couple have only invited you to the reception, you are not obliged to get a gift. I'd probably not go and just send a card. One of my friends was taking the finals for her masters the week following my friend's wedding, she declined the invite, sent them a nice card and wished them well. Job done.

OFGS. YABU.

I have a busy job. Cheques are a nightmare because I never get to the bank to pay them in. I currently have cheques totaling a rather large sum sitting on my desk.

My options are to give them to my retired Father to pay in for me (how dependent does that make me seem) or post them and run the risk of them going awol.

I much prefer all my family and friends to do direct BACS transfers when we are settling up after holidays etc. I have lots of my friends stored in my online banking 'payments' system as they prefer this too.

settling up after a holiday is not the same as a wedding gift. The first is an obligation which must be settled the latter is discretionary and putting bank details on an invite is crass, materialistic, impersonal and grabby.

It says we don't care about YOU sharing our special moment we just want CASH from you to indulge our massive sense of entitlement.

Gasman - don't be obtuse - it's hardly the same thing.

OP - YA so NBU.

I think buying a gift is completely optional if you are only invited to the B list evening do. I also think attending is completely optional. Go if you would like to, don't go if you don't fancy it.

Very odd behaviour to invite you to everything and then email (from the partner who is not your friend ) to say just eveningh. How is your relationship with the bride? Is she a bit funny about your friendship with her future husband? Did you used to be romantically involved with him or something? It sounds like she doesn't plan on you playing a big part in their future life for some reason.

YANBU regarding the invitation.

An invitation is exactly that: a request that someone be your guest.

It is always rude to stipulate to a guest on the invitation that you expect a present and what it should be.

If they want cash as a gift, fine. But they shouldn't put it on the invite. There are ways of doing it. I certainly ask friends nearer the time what they would like and if it's cash then ok. They should wait until they are asked later. But it's horrendously crass to send it out on an invite.

I once planned to get a friend something really special when she got married. I was looking at the Tiffany crystal range as she LOVES Tiffany things. They do candlesticks, etc. When I got an invite with a helpful poem saying she wanted money, I did think it took the originality out of it.

The guest is also put in the awkward position of having them know how much they were prepared to give.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird - I have never been romatically invovled with the groom, but we were good friends at uni and in the years just after. In the last 10 years we have seen each other only a couple of times. I have met his girlfriend and like her. I think we get on fine - so I dont think that is an issue.

Having relooked at the the inviation I now think her email was because she now realises the wording of the invitations was ambiguous. It would seem we are invited the the ceremony in the church and then for the evening (so missing out the reception) but this is not clear on the invite.

I actually thought when you were invited to just and evening (or even if not) you could just go the church if you wanted - didnt realise you had to be invited to the ceronomy.Hope I have not offended people in the past by just turning up!!!

Oh, don't bother, susie. This isn't a friend. You're B tier and a cash cow to this guy. Decline.

Cash and voucher requests are fine, but giving bank details to deposit money into , very rude, grabby and pretentious. I would get them some John Lewis or Debenhams vouchers so that they can get something that they like.

Susie, the wording on my invite from my friend was ambiguous too - it was only when a different friend told me what her invite said that I realised she was invited to everything and I to the ceremony and reception but not the breakfast. I had to email the Bride to clarify as I was then unsure if I was even invited to the ceremony or whether they were just informing me when and where out of courtesy. Several of my friends were left with 5 hours to kill between 2:30 and 7:30 in a strange city with nowhere to go. The bride paid for their hotel rooms to ease some of the inconvenience on them.

I had never encountered a wedding before where this had happened, IME it's either all, just the evening do, or nothing. If I were you I'd decline or go to the evening do and not take a gift - you are not obliged to. I appreciate why people make gift lists, I find them helpful but to request a gift in the invite is crass IMO. People will ask for the list in due course if they want to use it. I couldn't spend much as I was unemployed at the time - I hated it that my friend knew how much I'd spent as she'd chosen the item and I had so very little to give :(