Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

@pontipinemum

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

One of the things I've learnt with DH is that alcohol can turn even the most truthful person into an inveterate liar. DH was one of the most honest men I'd ever known, but now if he told me it was raining I'd go look out the window. And chances are I'd find a sunny day.

And it's not just drinking they lie about. For whatever reason it seems that their first reaction to any question, even something as simple as "Do you have milk in the house?" is to lie. It's just so disheartening. But there's no point in saying anything to them, because they'll just lie that they've been lying. All you can do is murmur 'Mmmm-hmmm' and change the subject unless it's something you must respond to as it affects you directly.

I can't say I blame you for checking her emails, especially wrt things that may affect you or affect her finances. Ignorance is NOT bliss when it comes to something that could hurt us, or that we'll be called upon to bail the alcoholic out of. As far as I'm concerned, the end justifies the means.

I check ex emails at times as had a joint account. He is silly enough to order vodka online using the account so the emails /order/delivery /receipts arrive via email

so I know he has brought vodka and a lot of it recently

yet swears hasn’t had drunk for 4mths etc - he says it so convincingly that if I hadn’t seen the various orders via 3 shops that I may have believed him

but obv I know. He doesn’t know I know so it continues. The lies

why do I check ? To prove to myself that I was right to kick him out and say no more. That he hasn’t stopped or changed

I know I shouldn’t care but I do over the lies - also means I can kinda tell when he’s gonna be a knob and will then avoid him with dd

I did things that I'd have been disapproving of in the before living with an alcoholic times -checking his phone, rummaging through his pockets etc etc. I don't feel one bit guilty about any of it. We do what we must to keep ourselves informed and our kids safe.

Thank you. Glad it’s not just me

Oh, I did that too. Not the phone stuff, he was an utter luddite, but the rest of it.

I’m devastated to be writing this, I’ve read through a good few pages, I don’t think anyone can quite believe the situation that’s unfolded for them.

DH always had a drink and we did have arguments about it years ago but it seemed to have settled for many years. In the last 3 years it has just escalated so bad. He doesn’t drink every day but binges instead where a binge could go on for 2/3/4 days. He gets absolutely blind drunk where he can’t speak, barely walking, doesn’t know how he’s gotten home, ends up peeing on couches or bed wherever he ends up sleeping, has left front door wide open all night. Spends days in bed afterwards feeling so sorry for himself. Lies saying he wasn’t drinking, goes off it for a few weeks or months and the cycle repeats. We have a 2 yo & have had crisis talks a number of times over the last year where things needed to change or we needed to separate. I feel like I’m living in constant fear & anxiety waiting on the next episode.

In April he decided that taht was it he was giving up alcohol completely (on the back of me saying I no longer wanted to be around him if he wanted alcohol in his life), 4/5 weeks later he went drinking again & I asked him to leave the family home (he did and was staying in a hotel) he finally admitted he needed help and started a program with a Dr, therapist and going to AA meetings (althou he only went to 2 of those and then they ‘didn’t fit in’ with football or various things) he is maybe 6-7 weeks into the program to get sober, a few days ago I went for one night to visit my sister and sure enough he went drinking, lying saying he wasn’t etc (the usual) it’s very easy to tell he’s been drinking, he’s a completely different person, says phrases and does things he only does with drink so I knew immediately. We haven’t been speaking much the last few days but trying to keep things as normal as possible for LG. Today he rang me on the way home from work and said I’ve had a slip, I said what do u mean and he said I’ve broken lent 🙄 I asked have u been drinking and he said yeah he had drinks on his way home from work. I told him to not appear here at home. He can be quite shouty and nasty when drunk and I don’t want that around me or our LG.

I just can’t believe he’s put us in this situation, I’ve tried supporting him and getting him help but the last 3 years have completely broken me. He cries that we are all he wants and begs for another chance when sober. I just can’t believe this lovely man I married, have a child with and have known since I was 13 years of age has turned into this in our 40’s

am I right that he will never change and I need to stand firm now and separate completely. I don’t want him to have access to our LG because I just can’t trust that he won’t get/be drunk

@Howdidiendupthere welcome to the club nobody wants to join... Yes, I think you do need to separate. Binge drinking disorder is very much a thing, and your husband is putting his health at risk with this behaviour. You will however have to be very careful about negotiating contact. Can you trust him to not drink when he has her over a weekend? These are all things you need to think about.

Relapses are a part of recovery, but the concerning thing here is that he relapsed into lying, not just drinking. Mine did that too.

Keep posting here; there are posters here who have navigated separation from an alcoholic with young children involved. Their wisdom will help you.

I've just created a new thread so that the conversation can continue overnight when this one fills up. Link below:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5557278-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-6

It’s madness I know but it makes me sane and content that I did the right thing

which is also silly that I doubt myself even 2yrs on and divorced

as I am much happier

Honestly. Yes. He won’t change and you need to split. Even more so with a young child and the fact your dh is a mean shouty drunk. You and she deserves better

ex dh doesn’t see dd alone as I can’t trust him to not drink and at 9 she doesn’t want to be alone with him

so access is always with me there for an hour or two on a Sunday

so don’t worry that you will need to leave dd alone with him.

they will say anything when sober yet their actions speak louder then their words

in your case

so since April so 4mths he says he isn’t drinking but has drank a month later , then another 6w or so drinks when you are away a few days ago and now again today

so 3 ‘blips’ in 4mths.

I was told till dh hits rock bottom he won’t stop drinking. I hoped that me kicking him and saying no more was rock bottom. That he would stop drinking

he drinks even more now as no one to stop /moan at him

he will die from drinking

so yes my advice to you is to end your marriage (I didn’t went to either. No one wants to be divorced and a single parent ) but I promise you life will be better @Howdidiendupthere - no more walking on eggshells

I didn’t reliese how much I did till I didn’t iyswim

It's me too. I'm having to try so hard not to do it now the divorce is underway, I need to learn they're not my monkeys anymore!

I also did things with Ex that I never thought I would do in a relationship. There is no insanity like a relationship with an alcoholic. I checked his emails. I checked his phone. I checked his bank account daily (I know). I would rummage through his hiding places in the times where I suspected a relapsed but wasn’t quite sure (bag, anywhere in the garden when he was pretending to garden), I sniffed glasses to see if it was cider remnants or water. I blocked the phone numbers of dealers. Etc.

thankfully we do not have children together so I no longer need to check for his lies to safeguard DC. I actually cannot believe what my life became while in a relationship with him. It is also hugely reassuring that so many of our stories were the same!!

Welcome to our very supportive group @Howdidiendupthere. you will find lots of sympathy, solidarity and great advice on this thread. It has been a life saver and sanity saver for me and I echo the thanks of everyone to @pointythings for keeping us together and being our mummy hen

You can remove access to your children if you have safeguarding concerns @Howdidiendupthere. My Ex hasn’t seen his DC (first marriage) in two years now I think. First he was having supervised contact with breathalysers but it became clear that he was drinking during contact after the first breathalyser and also the DC became anxious about their contact time with him because they were older and realised that Dad was strange and erratic. Their mum removed contact until he passed the DVLA blood test that they use for restoring someone’s license. Of course he couldn’t and has never done it because he has drank daily for nearly a year and a half since his last post rehab relapse.

Oh yes the hiding places. And that’s how I know the bottle I found the day I kicked him out was new.

he has many but I always checked one

hidden behind a basket in the kitchen. Every day I would slide my hand down behind it and for weeks empty. Did the feel thur am. Nothing. Thur after school he was behaving drunk , did the basket test and a new bottle half drunk

so I knew it was new. He did the usual lying it’s old. Was so convincing that if I hadn’t felt that am I prob would have believed him

but it wasn’t old. He just kept lying saying hadn’t drunk. Refused to breathalyse and then said old one

and then when I told him I knew it was new. I had checked this am. He just said well if you think I’ve been drinking. I will. And downed the other half of bottle in literally 4/5 gulps - neat vodka like drinking water

and something finally clicked and I knew this was it and I said no more. We are over.

because I had kicked him out a year ago for similar lying and drinking but took him back few weeks later after grovelling , I think he thought he could wheedle back in - but that was it. Finally I found the strength and said no more

rang step dd and said could she have dd for me that night as was working and explained about her dad and said that’s it. Over for good

all his family thought I would change my mind and take him back as I did before. But nope. That was it

it’s crazy what things we do - checking spaces - phones - emails - even sniffing glasses and drinking from his glass to see if booze

sorry that was a bit of a long woffle and know I’ve said the above a few times tho for anyone one new to this group it may help