Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

Tbh I don’t know but sure their patience would run out as we have nhs so they would get it free. How long does it take to sober up a person ?

Uou are a better person then me as you say you still live dh. I’ve said many times on here that dh killed my love for him with his drinking and lying

I loved him so much and heart used to flutter looking at him

now it’s almost disgust. And I know that makes me sound a right bitch

He looks 20yrs older than he is. Scabs all over his body - wasting away - winges and whines how crap his life is

and I do think how he he become like this

My other half did not touch a drop in four months. We had a fabulous cruise of the Norway coast, started renovating his apartment, then I had to leave him alone for a few days and the day before I was due to return, he started drinking again- and in my house, as his is currently a building site.
I told him to get out and find a hotel and I’m not talking until he’s sober, and determined to stay that way.
my counsellor is very supportive of these boundaries. It’s now day 4 and I don’t know where he is or what state he’s in. Trying to just live my life but I’m suffering. So hard to understand when he had no problem at all staying off it during four whole months….

You were brave to allow him into your home. If I rem correctly @Fibblet you got your own place so had somewhere safe to go when he drinks

he seems to manage to not drink. Then binges. Then stops again. I don’t think he will ever stop the binges which means you need to decide what to do next in your relationship

Yes I have my own house (I’ve had it long before we got together) but he’s been staying in my spare room with no issues- while his house is being worked on. At least it has meant I could kick him straight out.
In the last 4 years he’s gone from constant drinking to episodes like this, and that’s definitely in the right direction, but I won’t have a shared house because of the risk. His intention is complete abstinence. I’m furious he let me down the very first time he was alone in my house while I was away.
He’s currently blocked on the phone and I don’t even know where he is but I expect he’s in a hotel because one thing he does have is enough cash to keep going indefinitely… anyway I’m not rescuing him….

So he can not drink when in company but as soon as alone drinks ?

Not as soon as I’m away- I was away 5 days and this was day 4. He can’t seem to cope without someone around for very long. He’s still never gone and done this in front of me, never. Yet he wouldn’t come with me either because of the trauma to would have caused him to go where I was going (very complicated but I understand, it’s going back home where we were treated very badly by his now mostly estranged family).

You are def more sympathetic than me @Fibblet. Are you always going to be around ?

Ah the guilt is so strong this morning, it's threatening to eat me up, but i have such a busy day at work i can't let it.

He turned up last night after having stormed off on Friday following his drink driving episode. One minute i was enjoying the peace & starting to feel like I could learn to be really happy again without him, the next the dogs go bonkers & I look up to see him peering through the window.
His first word was a tearful sorry, but the second i didn't absolutely accept that & start mothering him like I would have done in the past, he called me nasty & a liar & denied all the events of Friday.
Anyway, i told him that staying at the house wouldn't work this week as I've organised care for the dogs so I can be in the office (normally hybrid, but not this week as I'm running an event), which i only had to do based upon his actions, so he would need to go & stay at his mum & dad's until Friday.

I'm well aware i'll have to let him back at that point as I legally can't lock him out, but it feels like i've finally taken a stand & he's seen that. I also now have an address, so looking to see if i can amend my divorce application to serve him at his mum & dad's rather than only by email, I'm trying to hope that when he sees the papers, he's so cross he doesn't want to come back. Although there's still that bit inside me that trying to tell me i should feel guilty for abandoning him & I should wait a bit longer before making a decision, i am pushing the voice down & focusing on powering ahead. I think they only way i will start to heal is when he is gone & we have distance.

He was a pathetic sight, red wine spilt all down his front, alternating between blubbering & insulting, what a waste of what used to be a lovely kind man 😢

No. But there’s a very complex, expensive and difficult legal situation going on with me for the past three years that I cannot deal with alone and so I actually can’t walk away at the moment…. he is helping me massively with that. But being in separate houses makes it easier. But no, because he’ll die soon if he doesn’t stop. He’s been told three years ago that he had max 18 months to live if he didn’t stop, and he’s only here now because of my support - that’s helped him stop most of it. But no it’s clearly unsustainable long term without more progress.

doctors like to say that. Dh said the same. Don’t stop drinking be dead in 2yrs

well those 2yrs have come and gone. He drinks even more if possible when has money and body goes into spasms of 🤮💩 via alcohol poisoning and limbs stop working

then fine the week if no booze and poor

i get you need to stay while sort out the legal stuff @Fibblet

@Ebananascroogey. Keep strong. He’s shown his true colors. All sorry till you don’t forgive we always and then a bully and abusive verbally

he haS a safe place to stay with ma and pa. They can deal with him

ibv ex didn’t live with me when I filed for divorce but he may have to legally have house on address - not sure

but yes issue those papers as once done you have to wait 20w till can do anything else

it’s a long wait !

So ex may not have money. Uc comes tom due weekend

but he has booze. I thought he had drank yesterday due to odd text not making sense and sure smelt of it when saw him today

he was moaning at no food. No butter. Dry bread - only chips etx. Yet has money (or borrowed from neighbour I guess) to spend £35 ish on booze

I went to grab a cushion to sit on and he said not that one and passed me one

brain went into overdrive - he went to the loo. I moved cushion an 2 empty bottles of vodka

i said oh ex. Why. He said old ones. I said how many old ones are you going to keep saying ffs

don’t lie. Wasn’t there the other weekend - you are going to kill yourself

the usual. I don’t care. Have nothing to live for. I don’t have you. Don’t see my kids. Don’t go out. No one comes round. Legs don’t work etx

I just said stop drinking and body will work better. People will come round or admit you drink - it’s the lies

and walked out

Well done for holding your ground. I have just been informed that DH feels no different after 4 weeks of no alcohol. Right ho.

I whatsapped him and asked if he planned to start again. He said not really and I told him I'm still done.

Well done you. If it's over, it's over. You have a right to a life where you are not constantly wondering whether or not he is drinking and what he is going to be like.

And well done for holding your ground @Thefellowship!

Congratulations @Thefellowship !! You have taken your stand and declared your independence.

We're all here to support you in your next steps.

My alcoholic husband has recently lost a lot of weight due to eating very little. Today he ate nothing and drank 200cl bottle of vodka and 2 bottles of wine. He can barely walk, falls over and doesn't have the muscle strength to get back up.
Of course it's my fault, I'm obsessed with alcohol etc etc.

My question is, what is the likely outcome if he continues? I have told him he needs medical help, he has no appetite at all. Think he is scared of being told to stop drinking. I am planning to divorce over his drinking but am still very worried about him.

@Greyhair59 the likely outcome is death. And if he is drinking 30 units a day, not eating and losing weight, he's well on his way. Alcohol kills in a lot of different ways - it isn't always the liver. My late husband died of heart disease, because alcohol hardens the heart muscle so it can't pump efficiently.

If I were you, I would seek support from a group like SMART or similar, keep working steadily through the divorce and if you can, seek therapy to help you handle the guilt. Unfortunately we don't stop loving until we have hit our own end of tether, but we can deal with those difficult feelings.

And welcome to the group that nobody wants to be a member of. I hope you too will find your freedom and that it will be sweet.

Thankyou very much for your kind support. I have been to Al anon, but I felt, perhaps wrongly, that the ethos was stay in the relationship but distance yourself. I have like so many others been told I am controlling, it's my fault, if I was more loving he would stop etc.

Al-Anon is very much like that in most cases. You will be better off with SMART Family&Friends - it's a CBT-based approach grounded in psychology and it doesn't have an agenda. They do online groups and will enable you to focus on self preservation - which is hugely important when living with an alcoholic.

Meanwhile this group will support you. When we reach the end of a thread, we start a new one and link to it in the current one. We also link back so if you want, you can read all these threads from the beginning. There is a lot of valuable experience here that will help you make decisions that are right for you, and that will help you cope with the way you're feeling.

I talked to him more and he basically said I was being unfair because he had done what I told him to. He just does not get it at all. He said he wouldn't drink ever again if that was what i wanted. But what want is to separate. He just wouldn't hear it.

You don't need his permission to end the relationship. That's all you both need to know. Some things can't be fixed.

I told him that. I will keep trying. I'm away for the weekend so will gather my thoughts again.

@Thefellowship

My DH is of the opinion that 'all he needs to do' is stop drinking. As if it were as simple as someone deciding to give up coffee or tea. And, like you, even if he did I still wouldn't go back. There has just been too much water under the bridge and too much pain and hurt for that. Not to mention the trust that has not only been broken, it's been broken to pieces and burnt to ashes. The fact is that we've discovered that we are happier without them than with them and they've discovered that they 'can't live' without us. To be blunt....sucks to be them, yeah?

@Greyhair59

Hello and welcome.

What is the likely outcome for him? As @pointythings says, the likely outcome is he will die. But that will be his choice, his decision, his responsibility. The question to ask yourself now is "What is the likely outcome for me?".

My answer to that question was 'I will live in unhappiness and suffer emotional abuse until one of us dies". And so I left, without discussion or warning. He hasn't stopped drinking but I am at peace and happy in my little flat. I am 'alone' but not lonesome. I actually see my sons more now than before I left and the time I spend with them is better quality. I have more positivity in my life and am free to come and go as I please. I accept that I will love DH until I die, but I cannot and will not live with him again.

I did find Al-Anon very helpful. I'm in the US so maybe the focus is different here, but none of us was ever encouraged to either stay or leave 'our' alcoholic, each of us had to arrive at that decision for ourselves. We were simply encouraged to learn about alcoholism/addiction as a disease and to learn about ourselves, what we want, and to make the decision that was right for us. People were supported if they chose to stay and equally supported if they chose to leave.