Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

I totally get where you’re coming from. I have quite a tense but polite relationship with mum / stepf. My grandparents mostly raised me (in part due to stepf) and I care very deeply for them. As much as id rather never see him again, I am willing to be civil for grandparents sake. It’s my mum who says I must forgive and move on (as she has done so apparently). My grandparents have never suggested I just forget but would find it hard if I cut my mum off completely. My mum wouldn’t allow me to have a relationship with just her and not him.

Yes once file and pay you have to wait 20wi case change mind

well if people are silly enough to want to stay together in those 5mths up to them

but obv many don’t

I think you have 2 issues

SF. His abuse to you and you having to forgive /forgive and be around him due to mum and grandparents

partner - surely he would be devastated to know the you are terrified of him when been drinking so a chat needs to be had esp if he rarely drinks

@allthepeopleso welcome and thank you for sharing your story with us, as you have hopefully gathered, this is the very best ‘safe place’ for us (and you) because there is never any judgement, never a need to express yourself and your feelings in anything but an honest way and always our unwavering support and understanding xx
My heart aches for you (as a mum myself) that your own mum will not ‘allow’ you a relationship with her without your SF, it must hurt you deeply and it’s very unfair and selfish of her IMO…. Perhaps she insists on this stance because it alleviates her from confronting his past horrible behaviour, some people really are able to embrace denial (I kind of envy them as it’s a much more peaceful path than living with the truth of the matter). I’m not excusing her but perhaps it may help YOU to feel less unsupported by her, if you can accept that she is too afraid to face the reality, it’s not because she doesn’t love you. Plus, we can all tell you how selfish and controlling addicts can be and how manipulative (think “why are you bringing up the past? I SAID SORRY! Don’t you love me enough to forgive me “- plus 100s of variations on these, all geared towards avoiding blame and accountability)… if your mum loves him, he will have made her‘choose’ him and ignore your trauma from what he did.
Enough on that, the stress you have from his actions is seriously affecting you now… as an adult you will find it difficult to avoid situations where others are drinking, weddings, birthdays, work events plus it is casting a shadow over your relationship and you’re struggling to understand if you’re ‘overreacting’ or if it’s a red flag you should address.
Agree with @Penguinsandspaniels, you should speak to DP, as openly as you are comfortable with, and explain why you have a ‘reaction’ when he drinks… if he loves you he will listen and the two of you can find a strategy going forward that allows him his freedom to drink but also respects your triggers.
💐

@zeroclucksgivenwe have a very tense relationship generally, she is unable to admit anything she’s ever done wrong and expects me to move on from anything as soon as she has. I do appreciate though that she has her own issues w StepF and that it must be very hard for her.

i have had convos w DP a few times. He’s generally really supportive, he’s left lots of events very early due to me feeling uncomfortable and he also often limits his own drinking for me benefit. However I don’t feel I can expect him to never drink and I don’t feel like I can control his behaviour. When he’s drunk he’s absolutely fine, he’s just silly and daft, but he’s still putting me on edge. Our current plan of him sleeping in the spare room when he drinks more does work okay, but obviously doesn’t actually resolve the deeper issue!

thanks for all of the support from everyone here. I can see everyone else’s stories and I just want to say that you’re all very strong people ❤️ I’m glad to have found a nice community!

If he’s silly after 4 pints then can he stop at 3

just catching from the other thread.

@itwascousinhalifax been there with the pissing everywhere. It does seem to signify a different level.

@AcrossthePond55 my son said the same -he wouldn't come home again if my DH was still around. It shocked me at the time but he had every right to state his boundaries and it certainly stiffened my resolve. @allthepeopleso Experience with an alcoholic definitely leaves scars. Mine are so deep I could not be with a partner who thinks it's okay to get drunk, even occasionally. It's not controlling to decide you don't want to be with a partner who is okay with putting you on edge.

@zeroclucksgiven my experience of hospitals is that they are happy to make you responsible for their patient they want to discharge. Last time I tried to explore different housing options and they were not interested at all. Definitely keep a firm not my problem boundary.

He is genuinely my best friend in the world and he supports me with so many other things, not just the trauma I have from drink. I totally get where you’re coming from, but I am truly very lucky to have him! He’s the only person who’s ever stood up to mum/stepf for me, and he is in my corner always. I know if I asked him to stop drinking he 100% would, I just don’t feel as though I should ask that

@Edithcantaloupe you are spot on!
he returned at 8:345 last night, went straight to the pub (shocker!)…. And was back half an hour later shouting at me that I’d tried to kill him! Apparently, the withdrawal meds they gave him in hospital also give an aversion to alcohol and he threw up his pint (‘my fault’ because I told him to inform the hospital he’s an alcoholic because he’d be without any for however many days they kept him in)…. So he’s back and so is his paranoia and spite, oh joy!
I went straight to bed after the accusation and the brave little soldier persevered with wine and didn’t throw up again so I guess that’s a ‘win’??
Know this because he woke me up at 2am to tell me. Thank goodness it’s Sunday and I’ll be off to see my sisters at 12:30 until 3ish , escape again.

Hello everyone. Thanks @pointythings for the new thread.

But on the positive side I have achieved so much in the house this week and all without spending a penny. It’s my birthday next week and I have bought myself a new ring - a gold wedding band with six diamonds. Cheap on eBay, real diamonds but small. I like the look of it, it reminds me of my late Dad’s wedding ring and it’s a commitment to myself. I don’t wear my wedding ring any more, so this is mine, for me, bought by me, for loving myself and my children enough to go through leaving him.

I love it that you got a wedding ring to sympbolise your commitment to the people who matter - yourself and your children. That's a power move.

I wear a ring on my wedding finger that my fostered DS had made for me. It has the initials of the affectionate nickname by which all the kids refer to me.

I am beginning to feel my power again. It’s coming back, slowly.

That's lovely @LavenderFieldds. You're sounding so positive. Enjoy wearing your new ring!

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this.

I've gotten rations of shit from DH for telling hospitals and doctors about his drinking, too. And he's also vomited from Antabuse and Naltrexone, too, although he didn't blame it on me. He 'just wanted to see if they work'. No, asshole, you couldn't stop yourself from drinking even though you knew you'd probably get sick.

I can remember 'stretching' visits to my late mum in her care home. I'd leave earlier than I needed to and stay as long as I could. In fact, after visiting hours closed I'd often park up a couple of streets over and just sit there for an hour to extend the time away. I'm sure the curtain twitchers thought I was nuts: "Bob, there's that strange woman again. All she does is sit in her car and stare into nothing. Then she ups and drives away".

@zeroclucksgiven nothing changes eh. You /we knew he would drink again but always that little Glimmer of hope that they won’t

@LavenderFieldds the ring sounds a lovely idea

I wear a ring my parents gave me for my 18th - fingers got too fat for it. Then obv swapped for engagement and wedding rings

I took off as obv not together but missed not having a ring on that finger. Tried my ring 30yrs later and fits again so wear that and love it 💍

It can really help to find symbols that signify your decision to break free. I got my first ever tattoo yesterday - it symbolises the new family I've built for myself after everything blew up.

Thanks everyone, I’m so grateful for the support from people who know exactly what my life is, feels so good to just 🤮out the crap to all of you
, feel better/stronger for not having to keep it in 💐
@LavenderFielddsI did this- son gave me money for Christmas and I bought myself an eternity ring to replace engagement and wedding rings… a ‘promise’ to myself that I would be my own best friend/partner going forwards….it should be suggested to everyone leaving an abusive relationship to get a new ‘commitment’ ring!

I like the idea of a ‘commitment ring’. I hope the final step of wrapping everything up, along with my retirement will happen in the next few weeks/months so this could be the sign to pull out some of the pieces of jewellery I have inherited and do something with them.

I'm still wearing my rings. I'm just not 'there yet' to take them off and since I am still married it just feels right to have them on. My sons don't get it, but as I tell them "I'll know when the time is right".

I tried taking them off and wearing a lovely opal ring I've had for years, but it just felt wrong.

@AcrossthePond55 we all respond differently.

I took my wedding ring off the night I came back from a night away with my kids to find that my husband had relapsed and was lying about it. That was the absolute end for me and there was never any coming back from that. It felt right and I never had second thoughts about it.

You'll know when it's right for you.

We own our home. He doesn’t think he has a problem, and so hasn’t entertained any support to stop drinking.