Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

@Greyhair59

In response to posters' comments, I am thinking of moving anyway while I still have the energy to sort stuff out and I know one day I may struggle with this house.

Do it!! I was the one who left but I tell you the truth, I'm glad I was (as opposed to him leaving).

Our house is a 5 bed victorian farmhouse in 'disrepair' on acreage. I hate it and have always hated it (long story). There is no way I could maintain the property, even if I wanted to. And the house with its problems was getting too much for me physically and emotionally. It will be sold and the proceeds divided eventually. Right now I'm not ready to face what it will take to get it sold with him in it.

So my advice is to get whilst the getting's good. I'm in a little flat and I am loving it! Easy and quick to keep clean and if something goes wrong, I do an online work order and someone is at my door in around 24-48 hours, sooner if it's an emergency. There is no yard work. The complex grounds are like a park and I have access to a pool and an exercise room. I don't know if I would ever want to buy another home.

Even if that's not the place for you, I can't tell you the peace and calm I now live in.

@Penguinsandspaniels mine also killed the love I had for him. Because he was horrendously emotionally abusive towards our children.

Hi, I'm new to the thread and have joined Mumsnet as could really do with somewhere I can chat with others who understand.

I'm 50, single with two teenagers, and feel very alone in dealing with my alcoholic mum and step dad. My mum barely drank when I was growing up, but over the years their drinking gradually crept into addiction territory and it became obvious it was an issue a few years ago, confirmed when my mum was diagnosed with stage 2 cirrhosis 2.5 years ago.

She was dry for just over a year, but I had a feeling it wouldn't last, as my step dad continued drinking. Lo and behold, last summer she decided she was 'cured' and stopped going to group and individual therapy, and relapsed spectacularly and publicly in front of my kids on my birthday at a book launch for a book I had a story published in. Since then she has been on and off drinking, lying, manipulating, driving me and the kids crazy, to the point neither of them will see her any more. My step dad was admitted to hospital in May with acute on chronic liver failure and is currently sober, which I thought would maybe be the kick up the butt she needed to finally stop, but the stress has made her drink more.

I turned up for her 70th birthday lunch yesterday and she was wrecked, openly drinking (she usually hides and denies it). The worst thing is my uncle, his partner, and my step dad were sat there acting like everything was normal. I spoke to her on the phone this morning and told her I will not sit and watch her drink herself to death, or expect my children to witness that either.

I am so angry, I am so exhausted of being what feels like the only person in my family who isn't enabling her. I have good support from friends but none of them have experience of this, and my family make me feel like I'm being hysterical whenever I try to talk to them about it. Right now I feel like just walking away.

So walk away. Just do it. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You can't make your mum stop drinking.

My mum always had issues with alcohol, most likely due to unresolved PTSD from trauma experienced in WW2. That generation rarely 'did' mental health. My dad was her anchor - she still drank, sometimes excessively, but not in a dependent way. Until he was diagnosed with Parkinsons and eventually had to move into a nursing home. She started spiralling and after he died, it was a straight up fall. She drank herself into full blown Wernicke-Korsakoff in the space of 18 months.

My sister and I lived and still live in the UK, she was in our native Netherlands. There was a lot of pressure on us, mainly from the neighbours, for us to have her over here living with us. As this was post Brexit, that wouldn't have been possible in any case, and she would have absolutely refused to do it so that was a non starter. In any event her professional care team advised us not to do any of that.

All we did was liaise with them and let them do their work. That included working to get her car taken away as she no longer had a valid license and was drink driving. We also liaised with her GP and eventually managed to get her booked in to be assessed for compulsory admission, because by that time she met the criteria.

She died falling down the stairs in her own home four days before the assessment was due to take place. She would absolutely have been admitted and would not have left whatever institution she ended up in - this was probably the best outcome for her.

But through it all, my sister and I did what we could, from a distance. We kept ourselves safe. We set boundaries. You are entitled to do the same. Your teens don't want to see her - do you? Really?

You are allowed to tell your mum that if you come round and you see she has been drinking, you will walk straight out again.

Thank you for your response and sharing your story @pointythings. That's exactly what I said on the phone this morning, that the only reason I didn't turn around and walk straight back out of the restaurant yesterday was because it was her 70th, but I won't hesitate to do it in the future.

If I'm completely honest I don't want to see her at all any more. I had my mum back for a year when she was sober and doing the work to stay so, but she's gone again now and it's like she's died already and there's this actor in her place. I've been trying to detach emotionally but stay in regular contact, hoping she will come back again, and they have both needed a lot of practical support recently, but I'm beginning to realise I can't be in regular contact and protect my mental health. I will also be walking away from all the family I have and my kids have - they proved yesterday they will probably think I'm over-reacting.

What you and your sister did is so strong, I hope I can also be that strong. I'd love to have a geographical border to help achieve that at the moment but unfortunately she's only 10 miles away 😆.

My sister found it much harder than I did. I was able to support her because I already had the experience of dealing with my husband's alcoholism - he died roughly 9 months before she did and it took me much, much longer to stop trying to save him. I learned a lot from the process of living through the shitshow that was the end of my marriage (hence these threads - I'm always here to share what I have learned so other people have the information I didn't have at the time).

I have had a fair amount of counselling and support. I joined a support group in RL when I was in the thick of it with my husband - I run that group now. I would advise you to seek out support; I'd recommend SMART Family & Friends. They do online meetings and you will be with people who have been where you are now. It really helps to know you aren't alone.

My mum was working the SMART programme for the year she was sober, I was really impressed with their approach and the support she received. I tried an online SMART group a couple of times but it didn't feel like a good fit for me - maybe it was just the wrong time and I should try it again.

@pointythings that must have been rough. Ex was an arse looking back now those rose tinted glasses are off - and shouted etx when drunk - but dd loved and adored him

she now she’s older

@Zibala as @pointythings said. Walk away. They won’t change and old enough to look after theirselves or drink theirselves to death

whatever you do won’t make a difference.

Heard from a friend of Ex’s that he is continuing his apparent bottom less spiral. Ex has another court case coming up following a recent arrest and charge been charged. I don’t really know what for, friend who contacted me was asking what I knew as he knows he sends me periodic emails. I’d imagine either alcohol related driving offence or maybe disorder kind of thing. I’m sure the next step is he will eventually end up in prison if not dead from one of these incidents. I was wondering to myself whether it might be a chance for him to get sober, but prisons are rife with drugs so I guess he would just feed that addiction more.

one of those moments where I can’t get my head around how someone can lose so much so quickly. When we got together he was hiding his functional alcoholism - kind, funny, successful business, fit and sporty, good Dad
on almost 50/50 contact. Now I am wondering whether prison or death is the more likely next step.

@Zibala

Hello, and welcome to the club no one wants to belong to.

I'm just echoing what @pointythings and @Penguinsandspaniels have said. Just walk away.

Your primary responsibility is to yourself and your teens. You need to put yourself and them first.

You need feel no guilt about walking away. The saying goes "You didn't cause this, you can't control this, and you can't cure this". We always add "But you can take care of yourself".

I left my DH of 38 years due to his drinking. I will not be in the same room with him. I check on him by phone & see his bills get paid, but that's about it. Because my welfare and my sanity comes first. If he (or your mum) doesn't care enough about himself (herself) to get sober, why should I care either?

If the SMART programme for relatives didn't work for you, there's always Al-Anon. You may be someone who needs a face gto face approach, and that can be hard to get.

Worst case scenario, you can PM me. There are parallels between our situations and I would be happy to give you some 1:1 support if you feel it would help you. It's kind of what I do.

@Penguinsandspaniels it was incredibly rough. I remember people going on about how 2020 was 'the worst year ever' and I just felt it needed to get in line behind 2016, 17, 18 and 19. 2020 was when my life felt like my own again, when I had my foster son fully settle into my family, when work was incredibly satisfying and family life was fantastic.

@Nogoodusername

We're on the same path. DH isn't dealing with his recent arrest nor the conditions of his DUI conviction. I'm done babysitting. If he ends up serving time my only feeling is that at least he'll have '3 hots and a cot' and will hopefully be safe and no access to alcohol. His time would be served in a county jail most likely in an infirmary setting due to his age and health, rather than a state prison.

one of those moments where I can’t get my head around how someone can lose so much so quickly

I'm in that place a lot. It just seems at times I've been dropped in some parallel universe where the person I'm dealing with is not actually my DH, but some 'doppelgänger'. Because it just doesn't seem possible that things could have changed so drastically in a little over a year.

I feel like I should be able to click my heels together and say 3 times "There's no place like home" and wake up back in our house. But trust me, I've tried it and it doesn't work.

It’s hard @Nogoodusername of thinking what they were like and now what they are like

I think we all feel like that. How did it go so wrong

death or prison. Not a great choice

@pointythings is like our mother hen. She looks after us all on here 🌸

@pointythings 2020 and Covid didn’t help things - ex drank more but not really sure why tbh and why go from beer to vodka

2017 dd was born and life was great till maybe 2019/2020 and then the extreme drinking came in

So true @Penguinsandspaniels

🐓🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥💞

Guys, I can't even... 😍

Well you do. With your words of wisdom and experience and kindness to all

@Penguinsandspaniels @AcrossthePond55 thanks for your welcomes! @pointythings thanks for your offer - I think I will try another online group whilst I search for a suitable in-person one. There are loads of Al-Anon meets where I live and I know Al-Anon and AA work for a lot of people but there's a few things about their approach that I am not sure would work for me and I agree with fully. I definitely prefer in-person to online, but I think it was more that the other people in the online group I tried felt like they had very different situations to me, and a couple of very angry mums, which is not what I needed at the time!

In the meantime I am having private therapy weekly, which is massively helpful - a lifesaver, in fact! And already your messages are helping strengthen my resolve that I need to distance myself. I am going to wait a couple of days (I'm far too emotional and still angry at the moment) then try and catch her on the phone in the morning when she is more likely to be sober and tell her I love her very much but the kids and I will be loving her from afar as long as she is drinking to protect ourselves.

Any one watch casualty ? Dylan’s dad. I can well imagine ex being like that

and the wet hamster tail/brain

Yes, I was struck by that. My mum got like that in her last 9 months. Difficult to watch.

Very sad

@Zibala welcome! You are very sensible to distance yourself and your kids from your mum's drinking. If anyone tries to make you feel guilty, ignore them. They are wrong and you are doing the right thing. You can try and catch her sober to explain what's happening, but there's a good chance that if she is spiralling she'll never be completely sober, so be prepared for anger/defensiveness/emotional blackmail. Stay strong. Glad you are getting therapy. I so wish I had...

I'm bracing myself for the usual deflection and emotional blackmail and I'm dreading it, she was a master at both even before she started drinking to excess 😬

@CharlotteByrde@pointythings@Penguinsandspaniels@AcrossthePond55 just wanted to echo what others have said and thankyou for your continued support. To have this safe space to come and get some truly non judgmental advice is honestly the best thing especially when you feel so alone so Thankyou again.

@pointythings thank you for advising me to join this thread from my chat post. I have been to Al-Anon I do like it. There is 1 meeting near me that is on once a week
Anyway my mother...... where to start. Of course there is a huge back story

So she came out of rehab for the 2nd time this year about 6 weeks ago now. I live 3 hours away from her but I was staying in hers a few days after and found wine.

I have access to her emails - she asked me to when she went into rehab. I still check them I know I probably shouldn't

Last week she spoke to me on the phone and said she was currently pulled in, in a garage on the way home from the company doctors. They need to sign her off as fit for work. She has a civil service office job. She said the app went really well. That the doc said she must be sticking so well to her routine/ schedule etc and that mum would hear from them in a few days about a return to work date.

In her emails I saw that BEFORE she spoke to me on the phone she emailed them saying she'd got lost on the way and needed to reschedule.

I am so hurt by this.