Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Oh god. That seems pointless. To get his this far and say no

I agree. Better they just say "We have no idea what's going to happen" than give us false hopes.

I also need to remember to 'tamp down' any hope I feel. You'd have thought I'd have learnt by now. sigh

I think having hope says an enormous amount about how strong and resilient you are, and that will stand you in good stead once you have got out of the situation with your addict. After my husband died, I had to deal with being made redundant (again) and then my mum dying, also alcohol related. I handled it much better, because I knew that maintaining positivity would help. Hope likes to clonk you in the face on the reg, but ultimately she'll come through for you.

It's getting the hope/acceptance combo right that is the most difficult to do.

@AcrossthePond55 sorry to hear that. You have done what you can. I was hoping with you!
@Penguinsandspaniels yes, he died of drink related complications. He was told by doctors he would die in months if he didn't stop drinking. He didn't stop.

It’s hard as out of your hands and control

Dh was told the same last year. It would be suicidal to drink

esp as no pancreas

but he continues

I haven't heard anything 'official, but DH called and said there is a new 72 hour hold at the end of which ‘there will be a hearing’. He called me because 'you need to get someone to come mow the lawns'. Funny he didn't worry about it before now. At one point I was told that a doctor could write a 2nd 5150 which I guess is what has happened.

I don't know exactly what this hearing is about. If it's to determine if he's 'compos mentis', what if a judge determines him not to be if there is no place for him to go?

I have decided for my own sanity to put this whole issue up on a high shelf in my brain to worry about on Wednesday.

Just spoke to a social worker at the crisis team. He is being sent home.

She tried to tell me it was because he ‘did not meet the criteria’ anymore. When I challenged her on it because severe alcohol abuse does meet the criteria of ‘gravely disabled’ she admitted that it was because no facility ‘in the area' will take him because he’s too ‘medically acute’. Apparently that means he has ‘medical needs they can’t meet’ but wouldn’t say what those needs supposedly are. He’s ambulatory, doesn’t have any medical treatment needs (like dialysis) or dietary restrictions, so I say bullshit. I said so the answer to that is to just throw up their hands and say ‘Oh well nothing to be done so we’ll all just wash our hands of him’ and send him home to drink himself to death. She just said they can’t hold him ‘indefinitely’. I said well I wish you guys had 'given up' a few days ago instead of getting everyone’s hopes up that maybe he’d get the help he needs. She came back with “Even if he had gone there was no guarantee he would have cooperated”. I said “Yes, but maybe he would have and that should be worth a chance”. I gave up at that point and just said OK fine, I suppose we’ll start this carnival ride all over again, probably in about 3 to 5 days.

I am just angry and sick.

Oh ffs. I’m so sorry @AcrossthePond55

@AcrossthePond55 I have just read your posts. This is almost cruel. So much hope, so unfair and how insensitive of the social worker to say “no guarantee etc” that really wasn’t helpful at all. I really feel for you.

I’m so sorry @AcrossthePond55. I know how devastating it can be when you get your hopes up about a medical intervention/ support and it comes to nothing. I had it a couple of times with Ex. Obviously the U.K. is an entirely different health system, but twice (ish) ex was discharged from a mental health admission on the basis of ‘doesn’t meet threshold’. Essentially the catch 22 of what was a mental health crisis and what was alcohol abuse.

It's the Hope that rips you up. My DH was detoxed twice and hospitalised 3 times. The last time he came out was early December after 6 weeks and they were sure he was going to die.

He was so ill he couldn't get to the shops to buy booze but he got better and by the middle of February was drinking again - straight vodka.

He died 11 March and to be honest I'm glad it's over for both our sakes. I was so afraid he'd get alcohol related dementia as his personality was definitely changing for the worse.

Sometimes I cry but overall I'm at peace at last - as I hope he is too.

I hope you all find Peace too, one way or another.

Thank you 'gang'(we-don't-want-to-belong-to). Today I will pick myself up and dust myself off and keep on walking this road. To paraphrase an old saying, my weeping and wailing will 'butter no parsnips'. I'm not going to spend my emotional 'coin' on useless emotion. Instead I will invest that 'coin' in myself and my own happiness.

He's full of promises, as usual. I told him I've heard them all before and that actions speak louder than words. So as I told the SW, we're all back on this ride, until next time.

@BMW6

It's the Hope that rips you up

It certainly is. And no matter how hard we try, we just don't seem to be able to kill it completely. I guess we just have to let it die on its own, bit by bit.

@AcrossthePond55 if it helps you at all, I can guarantee that if mine were still alive I would not feel much different if I were on that rollercoaster.

@AcrossthePond55 so dh will only accept help /detox but won’t try and stop on own. Is that right ?

At this point I truly believe he's not capable of stopping on his own, it's now a physical addiction and the cravings win every time. He's gone to 3 AA meetings only to stop at the liquor store after each one. He's vowed "I won't drink today" in the morning only to go to the liquor store in the afternoon. The monkey is truly on his back.

Part of his problem is that he wants (and expects) someone else to do the hard part for him, mainly 'force' him to stop drinking. He wants his doctor to find him a rehab that will not allow him to leave. No rehab does this, you are there because you want to be and if you don't you are free to leave. He wants me to come home and basically babysit him so he 'can't' get alcohol. All that does is result in me being called a controlling bitch and verbally abused. I've been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, wore it to shreds. And it's why I'm NOT there now.

He's a classic case of the alcoholic believing they are the centre of their own little universe and we all revolve around them.

I’m sorry @AcrossthePond55 it is so hard to access appropriate help.

My Ex wanted someone to do the hard part for him as well @AcrossthePond55. He’s always chasing the magic solution - the ‘right’ anti craving meds (has tried Naltroxene and Acamprosate to no avail), the right meds for mental health diagnoses and his ADHD, the right therapist, the right treatment approach, the right perfect life with no stress ever etc, the right living situation. Previously the right ‘making me doing everything for him’.

It doesn’t exist. Recovery is hard work, daily, for at least the first year, and the addict putting in the effort and taking accountability daily. Ex will never do that. He’s a man child with main character syndrome.

@AcrossthePond55 @Nogoodusername My DS is also looking for someone to ‘lock him
away’ so he can’t use. He will not take any responsibility for his situation at all. He has the victim mentality and it’s ’woe is me’. He does not want to put in the hard work that it takes. I have just had a ‘conversation’ (aka argument) on this very subject. He is gaslighting me. He is manipulating me. I am enabling him. I feel so helpless (like we all do) I wish I could be strong and not feel so sympathetic. Allow him to take control of himself. I feel incredibly ‘weak’. All these years as a single parent, so strong and resilient, to this. I just do not know how to carry on a ‘normal’ life with all this upset. It dominates every day as I imagine it does to everyone else in this position.

Even if they get locked away and don’t drink for 3/4w

as soon as can go and buy it /uber it etc it’s back to drinking

I am so sorry @AcrossthePond55. I've been there too, crossing my fingers and toes that this time, it would be different. My DH had several admissions to psych wards, a stretch in a private rehab facility as well as NHS hospital detox. Like your DH, it was always somebody else's job to get him sober, always somebody else's fault when he gave in to cravings. What all this shows, I guess, is that we cannot save them. If they are not fully committed to the process of recovery, nothing we do or say will make a difference.

I know I said I was going to have a break but I can't help looking at this and wanting to offer my sadness at all these stories and despite trying to be positive I think I'll be in this dreadful gang for some time to come.
My DH has now been the unit for 8 nights this is his 9th.
He's still on massive doses of Librium ( turns out he was drinking far more than he admitted to so very bad withdrawals)
I visited him on Sunday he was like a shuffling zombie speaking in a monotone.
He's engaging with the therapy sessions and despite telling the psychiatrist he's desperately missing home as yet he hasn't asked to be discharged but as the Librium is titrated down I've been warned that's a real possibility.
The upside for me is that the house is clean. I'm sleeping about 12 hours per night - I think it's difficult to appreciate how much stress there is in living with the unpredictability of it all.
I've told a couple of people I trust and they've been very supportive. I even went to the cinema last night!! ( ironically the film turned out to strongly feature drug and alcohol problems!)
I do admire those of you who now live apart.
I keep thinking I need to plan an out for myself but as everything is in joint names I can't really do much. And I think I've just been enjoying the break.
Plus do I hope that he's someone who can overcome this ? I have a horrible feeling no .

I hope he does succeed @wouldratgerbeunknown

how long will dh be there for ?

we will always be in this gang. Whether as they continue to drink. Or they die. Or they succeed and you can offer hope to others

i didn’t reliese how many egg shells I trod on till I didn’t

28 days in total it's been like a holiday for me.
They are doing lots of activities. And he's getting group therapy and individual counselling so it really is a great opportunity for him if he sees it through.
When I read about Accross theponds experience I realise we are very fortunate in this country.
So I'll just keep everything crossed for now but I guess whatever happens the trust has gone.

You know what really pisses me off? Every damn day my 'in recovery' brother (and thousands of others like him) wake up and say "Today I will not drink". And every day it's a struggle but they triumph. And they will do this every day knowing they will face this struggle for the rest of their lives. I think they deserve medals, I really do! They have taken responsibility and work so hard to stay sober. So when I hear and see others saying "Boo hoo, do it for me or it won't happen" I just want to throttle them! How dare they discount the hard work of alcoholics or addicts who fight and stay sober or clean every day. How very dare they!!