Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

Oh, I forgot to say that you don't have to 'tell him' anything. He'll never believe or accept it anyway. In your situation as with mine, actions must speak louder than words.

@Greyhair59 - welcome to our group. We don’t went to be here but glad we are for the support here is great

sadly sounds quite normal for an alcoholic. Dh is the same. Legs don’t work. And falls over Outcome eventually he will die like my dh will. When body has has enough

I’ve recently divorced dh and my advice is to start asap if sure as once start you have to wait 20w before doing anything else. Incase change your mind.

thats 5mths. Seems forever !

you are not controlling anymore than I am. That’s what they say to excuse their selves

@Thefellowship. Yes he’s been sober for a month. But then what. Is he going to carry on not drinking ? Even if not together

the key thing being. He would stop drinking if that’s what you want

he should want to not drink. To do it for himself - not you wanting it

it’s fine to divorce. 4w or not drinking doesn’t excuse what he put you through previously

Usual thing here. Ex cancelled - has 💩 🤮 again. Anyone seeing the connection 🙄🙀😛

he’s also fallen over again. Was on hand and knees the other day when popped in.

after denying drinking today. I said I could see and smell his behaviour

He then said it was only one bottle. I said till the next one

and out I walked - glad dd won’t have to see him this weekend

Oh gosh do they all say the same things - we are controlling, we need to be more loving?! I thought naively that was just what I was hearing

You are being amazingly strong 💪 👏

my husband has just done 10 days sober and he’s being normal and nice like a normal person. I feel nervous about when he will start again. Usually just as he starts feeling back to normal he thinks he’s cured.

thinking of everyone on this thread having shit days dealing with this problem

Things took an interesting turn today. Flew home together, I told "d"h I didn't want him to drink today as I wanted to ensure we got back to the UK. He was very unsteady on his feet in the morning and drank a lot of water. Was sick in the lounge, shaking so much he could barely hold a glass, could only walk holding on to me. Kept needing to pee. The airline crew were great, helped him get to the loo and called ahead for a WHEELCHAIR so I could get him out of the plane and through security etc.
He feels very unwell. Says he had better stop drinking but I pointed out this has been tried before and he only lasts 2 weeks. Said I have had enough, he needs medical help and I think without he may get seizures. And this is after only a few hours without drinking!
Said I won't carry on like this - but of course I've said this before. What a shit show.

It’s easy now

I just look at him and think he’s a pathetic shell of a man who I once loved

The more he lies. The stronger I get as I know I’ve done the right thing. He will never ever change or take responsibility for his actions

@Beachbeach that’s great dh has gone for 10 days sober. Is he attending meetings every day

Sounds like he needs to be detoxed so comes off safely

if you are seriously about leaving dh then as they say get ducks in a row. Take pics of any paperwork you may need

its fine to leave them at their weakest if you have had enough

or put it this way. Why have you stayed ?

@Greyhair59 that's full withdrawal, and it's dangerous. He needs to detox safely and then go into rehab - but all of that is pointless unless he realises that he MUST stop drinking and wants to do so.

I'm so sorry you're in the thick of it. Keep pushing on with the divorce, you need to give yourself a future without all of this. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Hello everyone just reporting in. Husband now 6months sober today. Still attending AA almost daily either in person or virtually. We are currently on a holiday together and it’s in a hot place( though strangely enough not as hot as the UK is right now) so lots of people sitting outside drinking rose wine etc.
my feelings are all over the place. At times I feel relieved and almost complacent that things will be ok. At times very angry that he’s put us in this position. I also stopped drinking as per the advice from the psychiatrist etc to reduce his temptations I suppose. But I do miss having a glass of wine. He says go ahead but I’m not ready to lose any sort of control at all. He’s also become quite obsessed about us selling up and moving to be near our daughter. I keep saying it’s too soon and moving is stressful but he’s quietly looking at properties etc . Also and I don’t know if he’s just trying to make conversation but he asks me things he already knows the answer to and I find it really annoying and really snapped at him today. Then I feel bad because I’m trying to be supportive then I feel resentment thinking what about me??? !!!
I have had two counselling sessions now but not sure if the therapist is the right fit. She’s very qualified but very young . How long do I give it before deciding?
sorry to burden you all with this .
i don’t want to divorce him as up until this all went so wrong last year we were very happy. I think in a long marrytvere will be good and bad bits soo I’m trying to ride this out. I guess as well he’s got the AA people who he loves whereas I’m just muddling along. I’ve managed through my own fault to alienate a lot of people so I’m extremely grateful have all of you to lean on. Sorry I don’t think I’m ever much help to any of you though.

I think that you need more time to recover from everything your husband has put you through. I think that bringing in another major stressor like moving house is a very, very bad idea right now - you need that recovery time in familiar surroundings. Your husband needs to be told this explicitly, and why. And you don't need to say this, but he owed you consideration. Massively.

If your therapist isn't a good fit, by all means change. If she's any good, she won't be offended.

Your experiences of recovery are in fact incredibly valuable to people on this thread and those yet to arrive. You tell the true story of how recovery for the alcoholic is only the start of recovery for the family, and that it isn't going to be all roses. Telling your story will help many people adjust their expectations and that is really important. Please stay and share what you learn along the way.

Well done to dh being six months Sober by Equi, well done to you to navigating the six months

I said before the ones who are sober are trying to stay over have all the support in the world and the family are the ones less struggling

Often as we are sure they will relax and for all the previous months or years so they have let us down

I’m not a huge drinker, but X was always all have one have one. I don’t mind. I didn’t drink for nearly 2 years to support him.

I went out last night and had a few gin and it was really nice, but I stopped at four and then had lemonade because I can stop where they cannot even have one

I get you are missing having the odd glass of wine. Why wouldn’t you? It’s normal to have a drink here in there but I totally get why you don’t want to drink because I didn’t.

I definitely wouldn’t move house at the moment because it is very stressful, but also because you don’t want to how far away does your daughter live?

change a therapist if you feel they are not the right ones for you And I’m sure you have not alienated friends, but please do speak to them because it sounds like you’re a shutting it away. I cannot speak to people in your life about what you are going through.

Yes, we are always here for you and anyone. Sometimes you just want a good friend or family member to give you a cuddle and say I’m here for you.

For what you say, I don’t think your husband still realises what he put you through as many of them know you say you don’t want to divorce because it’s all okay till a year ago and of course that’s fine but you can always leave it as an option in the back of your mind if things go wrong and he drinks again

Will he ever go back to work or has he retired? He sounds like he needs something else in his life whether he’d have volunteering to keep his mind occupied.

I hope this makes sense as it’s done my text talk so and I haven’t reread it back as I’m in the car

But the amazing thing to remember is that we are here for you as much as you need us it’s brilliant six months sober and a lot of us are struggling with drunken partners in my case not because he’s an ex and I have so much happier with him not in my life

And woke up today to a text from him cancelling seeing ED, which I knew he would because she was ill yesterday

Lots of love to you and leaning through my phone to give you a hug. It sounds like you need one.

Well done to dh being six months Sober by Equi, well done to you to navigating the six months

I said before the ones who are sober are trying to stay over have all the support in the world and the family are the ones less struggling

Often as we are sure they will relax and for all the previous months or years so they have let us down

I’m not a huge drinker, but X was always all have one have one. I don’t mind. I didn’t drink for nearly 2 years to support him.

I went out last night and had a few gin and it was really nice, but I stopped at four and then had lemonade because I can stop where they cannot even have one

I get you are missing having the odd glass of wine. Why wouldn’t you? It’s normal to have a drink here in there but I totally get why you don’t want to drink because I didn’t.

I definitely wouldn’t move house at the moment because it is very stressful, but also because you don’t want to how far away does your daughter live?

change a therapist if you feel they are not the right ones for you And I’m sure you have not alienated friends, but please do speak to them because it sounds like you’re a shutting it away. I cannot speak to people in your life about what you are going through.

Yes, we are always here for you and anyone. Sometimes you just want a good friend or family member to give you a cuddle and say I’m here for you.

For what you say, I don’t think your husband still realises what he put you through as many of them know you say you don’t want to divorce because it’s all okay till a year ago and of course that’s fine but you can always leave it as an option in the back of your mind if things go wrong and he drinks again

Will he ever go back to work or has he retired? He sounds like he needs something else in his life whether he’d have volunteering to keep his mind occupied.

I hope this makes sense as it’s done my text talk so and I haven’t reread it back as I’m in the car

But the amazing thing to remember is that we are here for you as much as you need us it’s brilliant six months sober and a lot of us are struggling with drunken partners in my case not because he’s an ex and I have so much happier with him not in my life

And woke up today to a text from him cancelling seeing ED, which I knew he would because she was ill yesterday

Lots of love to you and leaning through my phone to give you a hug. It sounds like you need one.

Well done to dh being six months Sober by Equi, well done to you to navigating the six months

I said before the ones who are sober are trying to stay over have all the support in the world and the family are the ones less struggling

Often as we are sure they will relax and for all the previous months or years so they have let us down

I’m not a huge drinker, but X was always all have one have one. I don’t mind. I didn’t drink for nearly 2 years to support him.

I went out last night and had a few gin and it was really nice, but I stopped at four and then had lemonade because I can stop where they cannot even have one

I get you are missing having the odd glass of wine. Why wouldn’t you? It’s normal to have a drink here in there but I totally get why you don’t want to drink because I didn’t.

I definitely wouldn’t move house at the moment because it is very stressful, but also because you don’t want to how far away does your daughter live?

change a therapist if you feel they are not the right ones for you And I’m sure you have not alienated friends, but please do speak to them because it sounds like you’re a shutting it away. I cannot speak to people in your life about what you are going through.

Yes, we are always here for you and anyone. Sometimes you just want a good friend or family member to give you a cuddle and say I’m here for you.

For what you say, I don’t think your husband still realises what he put you through as many of them know you say you don’t want to divorce because it’s all okay till a year ago and of course that’s fine but you can always leave it as an option in the back of your mind if things go wrong and he drinks again

Will he ever go back to work or has he retired? He sounds like he needs something else in his life whether he’d have volunteering to keep his mind occupied.

I hope this makes sense as it’s done my text talk so and I haven’t reread it back as I’m in the car

But the amazing thing to remember is that we are here for you as much as you need us it’s brilliant six months sober and a lot of us are struggling with drunken partners in my case not because he’s an ex and I have so much happier with him not in my life

And woke up today to a text from him cancelling seeing ED, which I knew he would because she was ill yesterday

Lots of love to you and leaning through my phone to give you a hug. It sounds like you need one.

Oh, it said it hadn’t posted so press it again. Oh well you had my advice a few times.

@Greyhair59 I agree w/ @pointythings , that sounds like alcohol withdrawal. I'm assuming (due to my 8 hr time difference) that he's either ended up in hospital or he managed to get through it. Regardless of which, I'm hoping he's doing OK. But a word to the wise, withdrawals get progressively more dangerous and chances of a fatal seizure or other disaster increases with each instance. Hopefully it won't happen again, but if it does he needs to go to A&E or however it's handled in the UK.

@wouldratgerbeunknown I'm glad DH is still hanging in there. But I think 6 mo sober is too short a time for you to 'trust it' and to have gotten your equilibrium back. And your DH needs to honour this! Unfortunately I think that addicts by nature are too self-centred to put anyone's needs or feelings above their own. So for him it's all about his recovery from alcohol, not yours from the shit he's put you through. You're doing the right thing in getting therapy. And I also agree that if you aren't comfortable with your therapist, get a new one. Therapy is not 'one size fits all' and one often has to 'test drive' a few before we find the one that suits our needs.

@Penguinsandspaniels sounds like 'our' alcoholics are in about the same place; drinking and lying about it. DH has been to the ER (and home) 12 times in the last 4 days. Last night around 9.30 it ended up with a fire truck, crisis team, and 2 deputies. Unfortunately the Ring battery is too low for me to 'live view', but as far as I can tell they didn't take him anywhere. And so it goes, eh?

On an 'up-note' my friends, I have rented myself a little house at the beach for 5 days in August. It's dog friendly so my pup will be coming with me and DS2 and his GF will spend one night. Not sure if DS1 will be able to visit or not as he travels a lot for work. I had to force myself to push the 'payment button' but I reminded myself that it's ok now for me to 'have nice things'. I'm really looking forward to this, it represents a big step forward for me in my own 'recovery'.

Tbh @AcrossthePond55 I think all alcoholics are the same. They drink and lie

im still amazed how many times you’re dh goes to a&e

why a fire truck ?

a beach house sounds fab est dog friendly. What breed ?

it’s totally ok to have nice things

I can’t wait for our holiday. Wonder why lies ex will say this year. Last year apparently I took my non extisting bf with me

@Penguinsandspaniels

im still amazed how many times you’re dh goes to a&e

Well, it caught up with him late last night. He was arrested for making 'annoying and/or harassing calls to 911' and for resisting arrest, both misdemeanors. He's currently in the county jail. I hadn't been notified (which is fine) but after no movement in the house for 8 hours I called the non-emergency number and I no sooner said his name than the operator said "Oh he was arrested last night". At this point since it's the weekend he will be in jail until he sees a judge on Monday. I guess technically he could be bailed out but I'm certainly not going to do that.

It is going to be interesting to see what happens. Two of his DUI probation conditions are a 0% tolerance for alcohol consumption and not being in possession of alcohol, both of which he has obviously violated. But at his age and with 'jail overcrowding' I expect he'll be released on bond tomorrow some time.

Both sons said 'Good!' when I told them. His one remaining friend (who is the kindest most compassionate man I've ever known) said how sad it was and he hopes he'll learn something from it. I told him (in nicer terms) 'Don't hold your breath'.

I'm falling back on two wonderful phrases I learnt on MN: 'Play stupid games, win stupid prizes' and 'Not my circus, not my monkeys'. I am so glad our separation has been finalized. I don't know what the outcome will be of this mess, but legally I am not responsible financially for any of it. God bless DS1 for saying "Get legal, Mum!!!".

why a fire truck ?

Fire trucks are always the 1st response on 911 calls as there are usually fire stations a short distance way so can get there fast. They all have paramedics and medical & lifesaving equipment on board. They assess and call for an ambulance if needed.

a beach house sounds fab est dog friendly. What breed ?

A 16 lb Dachsie 'senior citizen'. He's been my faithful companion through this all. He was always primarily DH's dog but he wasn't caring for him properly so he's mine now. And he's a much calmer boy now that DH isn't around to encourage him to bark and 'rile him up'.

I can’t wait for our holiday. Wonder why lies ex will say this year. Last year apparently I took my non extisting bf with me

Should we start a pool? I'm predicting a terrible ingrown toenail making it impossible to walk. Either that or the 🤮 and 💩 due to 'a bug'.

You do seem invested in ex. 8hrs of no movement is nothing in terms of my ex and he frequently doesn’t go on fb /text me or dd for days while he has drunk

I enjoy the peace tbh

Just checking in to say hi to everyone. I’ve been on holiday with eldest DC as a post GCSEs treat for us both (I honestly found GCSE period horrendous for secondary stress!!)

I heard from ex for the first time in a month while I was here. Email as he is blocked on everything else and it’s an email address I don’t use so I don’t find it intrusive. Usual pretending that his last communication wasn’t vile. He misses me, sorry for his behaviour during our relationship, life is so tough and he is hanging on in there etc. No specific apology for the previous email. I haven’t replied. Won’t reply. Life is tough because you are on 30 unite of cider daily and likely coke a few days a week. Nothing changes if nothing changes and Ex sure isn’t changing! It’s a year since we broke up now. Happy anniversary of freedom from stress and chaos of a relationship with an addict to me!

Happy anniversary - enjoy your holiday 🌸

they always miss us. Life is tough. Unfair etc

Stop drinking then !!

Happy freedomversary from me too!

7 months after mine left, I spent a stupid amount of money taking myself and the DC to our favourite cousin's wedding in Italy. Flights, outfits, nice hotel. He saw the photos online and posted a self pitying comment about how he wished he could have been there and how much he missed us.

Still drinking though... Whining is easy. Changing is what it takes.

Hi, this is my first post on this thread. I’m very concerned about my sister - she’s always been a heavy drinker, but it’s escalated recently and is now at the point where she has a real problem that’s affecting all areas of her life. To keep it short, she’s been looking for help and recently started on medication that would help her to reduce how much she’s drinking, however she’s stopped taking it and is now drinking spirits from the moment she wakes up. I know she wants to change - she’s said so herself, but her self esteem is through the floor, she has no sense of self worth and no drive to take action. She lives alone, so she’s not accountable to anyone but also has no one to talk to about how she’s feeling. I stayed with her over the weekend, and her behaviour really concerns me, I’m worried she’s so far down the rabbit hole that she can’t find her way out. She was talking about ending her life this weekend, and while I don’t think she’ll do anything stupid, I’m worried about the effect her drinking is having on her health and concerned that she could seriously injure herself when drunk (she already has a number of bad alcohol related injuries). I live a couple of hours from her and I’m not sure what I can do to help? I know I can’t fix her, but how to I support her in getting the help that she needs and says she wants? I appreciate any words of advice.

@Penguinsandspaniels

Well, I guess I am 'invested' as in I do still love him and wish him no ill. Plus we are still married and if he's lying dead in our jointly-owned house I'd just as soon know that sooner rather than later. Everyone deserves a bit of dignity after death if that was to have been the result.

And to be vulgarly blunt, I've watched enough CSI to know what can happen to a body in triple digit heat and higher than normal humidity in a house with no AC.

For him to go 8 hours without movement or a call or text is unusual.

@Nogoodusername

Happy Freedomversary (as @pointythings calls it). Mine will be the 16th. Too bad we're so far apart, we could buy each other flowers and candy and celebrate together.

No, nothing does seem to change, does it? We just keep on keepin' on and building our new and happy lives. Hope you and DS had a wonderful holiday.