Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

Quick update on my sister. After Mondays drinking session she admitted to me that she’d attended a work call in the afternoon drunk, and couldn’t remember what had been said. On Tuesday she reached out to AA, and has been speaking with what sounds like a lovely supportive woman who is local to her who is now phoning her several times a day to check in. She’s trying, and that’s all I can hope for at the moment. I’m calling her regularly and she’s sounded sober, but also sounded very flat and exhausted which I guess is to be expected. It’s a long road ahead.

Can I join, I’ve been reading the previous threads. Unfortunately my alcoholic now ex got violent, I’m now in a refuge, my pets are in foster care and my heart is breaking over missing them so much and it’s all his doing.
They should be cuddled up with me, I worry they will think I’ve abandoned them. I can’t even write much more today, I’m too upset but I resonate with so much on here.
How could just loving someone and trying to support them cause this heartache, I’ve not done anything but I’ve lost so much.

@YesIveNamechanged80 well done getting yourselves and your pets to safety. Right now that is the only thing that matters. You're out, you've taken that step. Your recovery starts now.

I have a friend who ended up in a refuge and her cat went into foster care. She ended up housed in her own place and reunited with her cat. That can be you too. For now, engage with what the refuge offers you. Seek out counselling because you will be dealing with deep and complex trauma. SMART recovery will help you deal with the alcohol part of it, but you will need more help than that.

This is where your new life starts. Welcome to the group, we will be here for you.

@Anon20251 that’s a step in the right direction. Now to see what happens

welcome @YesIveNamechanged80. Sorry to hear ex got violent but well done for escaping

do you rent or own home ? No going back ? Pets are in foster care so won’t be forever and once you are settled you can take them back

@YesIveNamechanged80 so sorry you are in this position. I had dogs to juggle and that was one of the hardest things, as I couldn’t just run.

I hope you have the police involved, if not do please do that, I know it is a horrible step, but from my experience they do listen and take everything seriously. They also through an IDVA help you navigate the protection order process, which can be done regardless of any charging process.

Happy to share more by PM if it is helpful.

An update. My DH has been in hospital for 5 days and will probably be there for another week. He has septicaemia and needs iv antibiotics.
He has had lots of tests. Doctor told me he has a lot of liver damage, though not cirrhosis. However he has serious brain damage and is confabulating.
He is not allowed out of bed in case he falls.
They will do more cognitive tests. He doesn't seem to understand his alcoholism has brought him to this. Not sure to what extent he will improve. So I will end up as his carer probably in an unsuitable house with no downstairs loo and steep stairs which he has fallen down previously. Anyone else been in this position?

You do not have to stay and be his carer. If he has full blown alcohol induced dementia, he should be in a care home. Talk to his medical team, get social services involved, get the wheels moving. You're going to have a fight on your hands, but you do not have to give up your life for him. He did this to himself. Pm me if you need, I went through this with my mum.

@Greyhair59 Just refuse to have him home. Tell them you have been the victim of his alcoholism for years and now you can’t go back . See a solicitor, file for divorce. Do whatever it takes, but don’t waste your life, it’s the only one you have. Of course I’m only saying this because it’s clear from your post that you don’t want to be his carer, so don’t be. 💐💐

Our situations seem so similar. All the assets are mine, however I'm not hopeful he'll go with nothing. All I can hope is that I can make enough from other assets not to have to sell my home. Only time will tell if he'll be that reasonable.

Its just confusing at the minute as other than the fact im still policing his drink down he's carrying on like we're a happily married couple! It's easier to live like that, but also harder not to focus on tge good & forget the bad!

Did he pay anything ?

ex didn’t pay as mortgage free and also didn’t pay bills like water tv gas etc

i paid it all And put on the forms I paid for it so getting nothing

judge agreed

I think he read between the lines that he would drink any money he took from me and paid diddy squat cms

@Greyhair59

Remember "No one is required to set themselves on fire to keep another person warm".

My DH has what I am sure is wet brain. He can 'function' day to day with self care but cannot manage his finances or keep track of tasks. I am not and will not be his physical carer but I guess you'd say I'm his 'carer from a distance'. I'm managing his finances (this is also to my benefit since he's in the family home) and trying to direct him as far as what things he needs to take care of in his day to day 'affairs', not always with success though. I also act as a go between and 'information resource' for his medical care. I don't have a problem doing this. But what I will NOT do is live with him or allow him in my car or home (he doesn't even know my address). I will only be in the same room with him in 'controlled circumstances' (ie a hospital room). And I will only go to the marital house when he is not there.

We have a legal separation so all our finances are now 'separate and sole'. I am not responsible for his debts or any financial 'ills' that may befall him. I also have the house in 'tenants in common' so my half of the house is protected from any liens or lawsuits that he may end up with.

I'm in the US and I know there are a lot of differences in UK when it comes to medical care and what happens if a person needs care. Here, if you have excellent insurance or are on Medicaid (insurance for needy) then you may have options for out of home care. But if you don't or insurance won't pay, it's basically 'Tough shit, it's their home too so here you go' if it's a joint marital home. There is no 'social safety net' to provide financially for out of home care or for carers to visit the home if you don't qualify for Medicaid. So anyway, I can't provide advice on what to do other than either you need to leave or fight for him to go to a 'funded' care home. I know that the latter is not easy! What you need to realize is that, given what you've said about your home, you are actually putting yourself in danger to act as his carer. What if you fall or get pulled down trying to help him? What if you both fall down the stairs trying to get him to the loo? And think of the mess you'll have to clean up if he 'doesn't make it in time'?

For the short time before I left (due to his temper and verbal abuse when drunk) I strained my back trying to get a drunken DH up off the floor and ended up having to call 911 more than once to get him up when he fell. I also cleaned up a few messes of his drunken diarrhoea (sorry if TMI) when he didn't make it to the toilet. Is this really what you want to deal with?

It's time to put yourself first.

@YesIveNamechanged80

Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to.

Listen, I know a refuge isn't 'optimal' but you are out and safe and your pets are being cared for, and that's the important thing.

How could just loving someone and trying to support them cause this heartache, I’ve not done anything but I’ve lost so much.

I can feel your emotion in your words and it's brought tears to my eyes. My lovely, everyone 'in the club' has been where you are. In the beginning of this 'journey' we all felt that 'love conquers all' only to find out later that 'love is not enough'. Because it's not, especially when dealing with addiction. And each one of us have lost something. Even those of us who were fortunate enough to be able to set ourselves up in our own purchased house or rented flat have lost something; a 'forever' home, treasured possessions, and most importantly, we have all lost our 'dream', and most of us have lost our ability to trust.

But we've also found something. Paraphrasing the words of Christopher Robin, we have found that "we are braver than we believe, stronger than we seem, and smarter than we think". And so are you. You will get there, I promise. It will take time and hard work. But you will get there. Give yourself the gift of peace. Give yourself the gift of time. The next steps in your journey will start as baby steps but you will soon find your 'seven league boots'.

Well its a difficult one because after he was sectioned the first time he started giving me his money so I could drip feed it back to him. It didn't stop him drinking but it kept the levels manageable so I didn't mind doing it. Its really blurred the lines though because of how it looks from outside.
I also have a barrister friend who says if it goes to court & he relies on his mental health problems he may well get more, so im praying we dont get to that point!

Does he have the money to take it to court as that is what costs

@Greyhair59 you do not have to be his carer. Does he have to come back

or do you want to sell /move /rent somewhere that has a downstairs toilet

any other family he can stay with

has doctor given a time limit

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Thank you for the lovely comments, from reading all the comments I can see so many similarities, it’s just a shame that mine turned into a raving angry Jekyll and Hyde.
It’s so hard as well, I loved him (still love him) and the kind, gentle man completely vanishes when he drinks. I can’t actually believe I’ve ended up in refuge.
Im confused, I’m furious at him, I miss him, I’m worried he will die, he’s already had one of the “drinkers cancers”! I’m livid at his behaviour because he just can’t grasp it. He has apologised til he’s blue in the face but ultimately he’s never sought the help to change his behaviour or deal with the addiction and I cannot live like it. Saying sorry means nothing. I realise from reading all your stories on here that it’s the minority that do succeed and I’m trying to not even hope. It’s all up to him but because it’s got this far I couldn’t support him even if I wanted to. I have a teenager to focus on. It breaks my heart and I feel guilty that I still even harbour feelings for him.

I had a binge-drinking problem for about 20 years. My family begged me to stop drinking but because it wasn’t all day, every day sbd I held down a job, I lived in denial. I haven’t drank any alcohol for 8 years now. I became too depressed with my own story and realised I had literally no control once I picked-up a drink.
However, Um not quite sure how I managed it. I think I it was the frustration and pain of my family that turned me.
just posting to say it sometimes can be turned around x

@Lizzbearim so glad you managed it. With my ex he’s just too erratic. I’ve had SS involvement and I’m now in a refuge.
I truly hope he does manage it, with all my heart but I’m not going to be around to see because I can’t and won’t put myself and my dd at risk.

@YesIveNamechanged80

It’s so hard as well, I loved him (still love him) and the kind, gentle man completely vanishes when he drinks.

Listen, it's OK that you still love him. I've said many times that I will love DH until the day I die. I just can't live with him.

Just acknowledge your feelings and tell yourself that as much as you may love him, you love yourself even more.

In response to posters' comments, I am thinking of moving anyway while I still have the energy to sort stuff out and I know one day I may struggle with this house.
My DH has not so far acknowledged his issues are caused by his alcoholism but his mobility is a little improved. Once the infection clears up I guess the level of brain damage will be more apparent.
Does anyone have experience of how blunt doctors are in telling patients the extent and implications of their alcoholic health issues?

I think it varies between doctors. Certainly all the ones my husband saw took what he said about his alcohol intake at face value (while probably knowing in the back of their heads that he was lying).

When I was there with him later on, because he was too unwell, I did speak up and correct the lies, but the cardiologist in that case kept a complete poker face.

@Greyhair59 my DH's doctor was very blunt. He was told he would be dead within 6 months if he continued to drink. But it didn't change a thing. He kept drinking and he died. DO NOT become your DH's carer unless that is what you want to happen. It is bad right now but it will probably get much worse, particularly if there's cognitive damage, and you will end up as police, social worker and dementia nurse.

@YesIveNamechanged80 pity, regret and sadness are all valid emotions. But he has been violent and you have a child, so all those feelings, in my experience, have to shoved to one side while you ensure that both you and your teen are safe now and in the future. Your DH will have to sort himself out on his own. Or not.

I wish doctors would be more blunt. Ex tells them he hasn’t had a drink for months ffs 🙄

he moans about his hips - pain - knees - thr 🤮💩 and we as family all know why but seems doctors take him at face value and beleive him - I think

@Greyhair59 def move while you can

those who say they still love their dh/ex are better people then me

I dont love ex and just look at him now feeling disgust and repulse , with all his lies knowing he will die one day