Broken leg - now know friends and family don’t care

[Currentlylaidup]

I broke my leg a couple of weeks ago. It’s been horrendous. I live in a townhouse so lots of stairs. Trying to get to the bathroom with a cast has been awful. Trying to do anything has been awful.

I have 2 dc and a DH. DH has had to take time off work because although 1 DC can walk to school the other was being driven by me everyday to a different school. I obviously can’t drive so DH has to do it.

My mother lives literally round the corner from me as do other relatives including my brothers. I had to beg my mother to drop my DC at school and pick them up 2 days last week. She is 65 retired and healthy. Even though she lives round the corner I haven’t seen her in days. When I got back from hospital she did drop in a sandwich for me once and that was it.

Ive had text messages from various relatives saying how sorry they are. No offers of support. Nothing. Lots of lovely messages from people who I thought were good friends but that’s it. No practical help.

I feel so alone. I can’t weight bear so can’t do anything practical and DH is run ragged working full time, looking after the DCs and trying to stay on top of the housework. How lovely I keep thinking if we had some support from our families.

I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but it’s times like these when I wish I was surrounded by a loving family who want to help. If it was my grown up daughter going through this I’d be there for her.

I'm sorry, and I hope you feel better soon.

I do kinda know how you feel. I had a fall at the end of July, and i broke my arm and leg. I got picked up from the hospital and I was suddenly on my own at home and I felt massively overwhelmed. I have two dogs, and that evening I put the food bowls on the floor but couldn't pick them up again .... and it was then that I realised I couldn't cope.

My Mum called that evening to see how I was getting on, and I broke down in tears. She immediately drove over and took the dogs home, so that was one less thing to worry about. I didn't know how to manage the stairs. Luckily Mum had left me with water, a sandwich and a bit of cake ... but that's all I ate / drank for 3 days.

But then my partner showed up, and he spent 5 days with me. He didn't have to work, so his entire focus was on food shopping, meal preps, washing me and my hair (which had by this time not been washed for 6 days), and cleaning. By the time he left I felt more confident and I was able to do more for myself.

But you are right - the loo is the worst. I had a cast up to my upper thigh, and that bloody toilet was the devil.

maybe ask your friends and family for help. They may of assumed you were well looked after with DH been at home. It does not mean they don't care - they all sent messages wishing you well, friends and family probably do not know they support you need so call it out...you have enough to deal with with your injury and its understandable to feel low at this time...

This. Ask for what you need, specifically, don’t expect them to understand that you need help beyond what your DH can do.

To echo the above, OP please ask! More thoughtful people will already have said 'let me know if..." so I assume your family are not that thoughtful. But nonetheless, ask! (For specific things if possible) Give them the opportunity to feel good about themselves - you're doing them a favour too 😉

You need to ask people, explain what they need and ask them to perform specific tasks that you need. Otherwise all your friends will assume things are fine (especially as you have a partner and DCs) and that you don't want to be bothered by them popping round offering to do tasks. So just reply to one of those lovely messages saying something like "Hi Jane, thank you so much for your lovely message. Tbh, I'm struggling a bit here being laid up while DH is running ragged keeping the ship afloat! Very cheeky but would you mind popping round to help out with the ironing (or whatever job). I'll get a takeaway in/send DH out for some wine and snacks. Would be so, so helpful!"

I hate asking for help. I just assume people would realise how difficult things are and offer practical help?

My mum for example why doesn’t she even pop in to see me and make me a cup of tea? DH is at work all day today and I will be stuck here in front of the TV only leaving to try and haul myself up the stairs to the bathroom.

It just seems like it’s easy to send a text and that’s it job done.

I think that unless they’d experienced what you are experiencing now, and I haven’t for example, most people would think that with a partner at home you’d be managing and not in need of practical help. If a nearby friend living alone broke her leg and was in a cast I’d definitely ask in the immediate aftermath if there was any way I could help but I might not ask a friend with a live-in partner.

It sounds like a particularly bad break too, their experience of people with (less severe) breaks might be that they were getting about okayish. I know doing anything when totally dependent on crutches is really complicated - like drinking you cup of tea anywhere but where you made it, but my GP for example was working with a cast and crutches and came up and down the stairs at my house to see my mum, poor sod.

It sounds very difficult but please don’t be downhearted about people not caring. I’d be disappointed in your mum if I were you but not my friends. Do your friends all know your mum is round the corner? That might be another reason they’d assume you are coping. Your school drop-off situation is very specific and probably wouldn’t occur to anyone else.

Thanks to your post I’ll be more aware in future and not assume someone will be fine if they are similarly incapacitated but have a partner and family.

Ask!

If you're struggling you need to ask for help. When I broke my leg, I was back in work on crutches and did everything I did before apart from drive. people need various levels of support and you can't expect family/friends to mind read.

It just reminds me of when my DS was born, I’d had a third degree tear, my pelvis was so out of alignment I couldn’t walk and I was sent home to get on with it with a newborn. DH only had 2 weeks paternity leave.

Again lots of texts from my family about how sorry they were but no practical help. My mum came over a couple of times with doughnuts.

I hate feeling so alone.

I hate asking for help. I just assume people would realise how difficult things are and offer practical help?

I'm not sure they would if they don't know your DH is struggling.

They're probably assuming that he's managing to drop his child at school and do some housework/dinner when he returns from work.

If he's struggling, you or he need to let them know.

I knew there’d be someone along to say they are managing absolutely fine on crutches and a cast, back at work living their normal life!!

I wrote my post as many people do just get on with it and therefore that's what people see. There are some people, like you , who really struggle but no one knows that unless you tell them.

I have to admit if a friend broke their leg but had a live in partner, I would assume that they are OK. But would be happy to help if asked. My DH had a big hip operation which left him unable to weight bear for a couple of weeks and we managed ok on a top floor flat with no lift. No stairs for the toilet though.

But that's ok, isn't it? They're not saying you should be.

Do you have an office chair at home?

When I broke my leg it was a Godsend as I could scoot up and down the living room on it, due to the wheels.

Great when I managed to make a cup of tea but couldn't carry it back from the kitchen while holding crutches.

OP you need to tell them or ask them for help. People are not mind readers. I've never broken my leg, so I wouldn't necessarily assume someone would struggle that much.

It's not just that. When I had back surgery, I spent 3 weeks only allowed to lie on my front in bed or move (carefully) to the bathroom. It was hellish, but I didn't want to see people or have people poking around offering help. I was a mess, a bit smelly (not allowed to have a shower), the bedroom was a bit of a pit of me living in there. I just wanted to hermit away until I started feeling better and was more mobile - I managed some Zoom chats with friends, but that was it. So I'd never just pop round offering help, because I remember that this would have been my personal hell. But when my friends are in similar situations and reach out, I'm the first on the doorstep with whatever is needed.

Definitely ask for help! My mum had a broken ankle and still went on holiday including staying in two apartments up up to 4 flights of stairs, so it wouldn't necessarily occur to me that it would be as difficult as it sounds like you're finding it.

On the food/tea front, could you get a messenger bag or a rucksack and a totally leak proof travel cup plus a big tupperware to pop food into? Might give you bit more freedom during the day? I have a friend who only has one leg and doesn't use a prosthetic and she uses one of the very leak proof cups for all her drinks.

Editing to make it clearer: I'm not saying it's wrong that you're struggling or that you shouldn't be struggling. Just that I can see why if others have had different experiences asking for help would be key.

Honestly OP it wouldn't really occur to me that your husband was "run ragged" looking after the children and house while holding down a job. That's my every day!!

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. The leg sounds painful and difficult.

I was neglected as a child and had to be very independent and self-sufficient when I was growing up, which is great as it made me resilient, but also a bit shit as I can't ask anyone for help. Partly, I'm afraid of rejection - what if I ask for help and the person says no? This, unfortunately, is a likely outcome with my shitty family. It's horrible to have actual proof that someone who's supposed to love you really doesn't care and is willing to see you struggle.

I learned that because I'm self-sufficient I give off an air of having everything under control. I make it seem that if someone offers help I'll reject it. I've also learned that it's hard for people to offer help - it's quite a vulnerable thing to insert yourself into someone's life and it's pretty uncomfortable to be rejected in that way. So people tend to offer help only if they feel it's welcome and will be accepted - they don't want to seem interfering or overbearing. Two people in my life - my DH and my best friend - simply foisted help upon me against my will, which took a lot of effort on their part, but thank god they did because I realised how much more bearable life is when people carry the load with you.

I've had to teach myself over the years to ask for help when I need it. What I've realised is, genuinely shit people will continue to be shit - they won't help no matter how much you ask, they'll always have excuses. But the good people will be delighted you asked and it'll almost always bring you closer together. Eventually people will either offer help, or just give it you without you asking, but that takes time and practice.

Ask for help.

Has your mother ever had significant medical issues ie a hysterectomy or similar where she needed help ? If she hasn’t she may not realise - I don’t think most people do until it happens to them. If she has did you help her ? She may be matching the energy of the help she received.

This is good advice and what I did. I went everywhere with my bag, and it contained everything i might need. Phone (in case I needed help), a bottle of water, food, pain killers etc ..... That bag was a godsend.

Things that might make your life easier that we did when my husband had knee surgery and crutches were:

• a cloth tote bag with long handles for carrying things around the house on crutches, most people have one but they are everywhere if he needs to buy you one.
• an insulated mug with a good seal so he could make a cup of tea leaning on the counter and then take it (in the bag) to wherever he wanted to drink it. If your kettle is far from your kitchen tap than your DH can fill a jug of water and leave it by the full kettle before he leaves for work along with everything you need to make tea/ coffee. A small jug of milk won’t spoil in a few hours.
• a picker-upper claw thing for the billion times a day you drop something on the floor in that situation.
• me leaving anything he might need out on the work surfaces or somewhere equally handy before I left for work and ensuring there were things he could eat accessible in the house.

OK I can see I made a mistake posting.

I have a bad break, I’m in a cast struggling to manage in a townhouse with 2 DC. My husband works fulltime and is often in the office.

I have a mother who lives round the corner and family who live minutes away none are helping apart from my mum who dropped round with a sandwich.

The consensus is just get on with it, other people do, stop moaning and get a swivel chair.

Askjng for thread to be deleted. Just wanted a bit of support as I’m feeling sorry for myself. Won’t get that here. Thanks everyone.

There's always one...

I know its difficult to ask for help and you are right, you shouldn't have to.