Broken leg - now know friends and family don’t care

[Currentlylaidup]

I broke my leg a couple of weeks ago. It’s been horrendous. I live in a townhouse so lots of stairs. Trying to get to the bathroom with a cast has been awful. Trying to do anything has been awful.

I have 2 dc and a DH. DH has had to take time off work because although 1 DC can walk to school the other was being driven by me everyday to a different school. I obviously can’t drive so DH has to do it.

My mother lives literally round the corner from me as do other relatives including my brothers. I had to beg my mother to drop my DC at school and pick them up 2 days last week. She is 65 retired and healthy. Even though she lives round the corner I haven’t seen her in days. When I got back from hospital she did drop in a sandwich for me once and that was it.

Ive had text messages from various relatives saying how sorry they are. No offers of support. Nothing. Lots of lovely messages from people who I thought were good friends but that’s it. No practical help.

I feel so alone. I can’t weight bear so can’t do anything practical and DH is run ragged working full time, looking after the DCs and trying to stay on top of the housework. How lovely I keep thinking if we had some support from our families.

I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but it’s times like these when I wish I was surrounded by a loving family who want to help. If it was my grown up daughter going through this I’d be there for her.

No. The consensus was to ask for help. But if this is a typical martyrdom reaction, we may understand why people are loathe to help.

I think you're being a bit petulant now.

Why was posting a mistake?

You've had some great advice and tips here but the main point we're all trying to make is that you need to ASK for help.

No-one knows that you/your DH are struggling unless you tell them.

Ask for help, people probably don't know what to do. Message your mum to come over and put the kettle on. I'm guessing that she's not the most caring person in the world but hopefully she'll respond it you give her a nudge.

No it's not, I have the world of sympathy. It sucks! I get it! After my surgery I literally spent a whole day lying on my front in bed crying my eyes out at the overwhelming sh*ttiness of the whole situation. But I think what I and others are trying to say is that you do have a support network. It's like a gun - loaded, primed and ready, it's just waiting for you to pull the trigger by asking someone for a bit of support. The only thing stopping you is your own uncomfortableness, which is the same feeling your friends will be having at the idea of showing up unasked for. You're all sabotaging each other unconsciously by trying to navigate a complicated social situation, which can all be solved by a couple of sentences.

Well let this be a lesson to you - to be the helpful friend, family member, neighbour; to avoid assuming people don’t need help; to increase the level of support and care in the world.

Please please don’t respond to this experience with a “fuck them all” attitude

Sorry that you're feeling so alone but I bet people are thinking you're managing fine and have your partner to look after you! If you need specific help, you need to ask. People are not mind readers. If your partner is struggling to fit in housework, can you get a cleaner in for a while to keep on top of it? If you can't cook, rely on ready meals and takeaways for a bit. Ask mum to pop in if you want some company. Don't be a martyr, speak up and say you need some help!

I really don't think many people are saying you shouldn't be struggling. They're just saying ask for help! And if then your friends and family refuse, absolutely that's dreadful.

Ultimately, no matter what help you get, it doesn't change the fact that you probably feel miserable and in pain and a bit horrified at the fact that this is going to be going on for a good while and the prospect of how you cope with it all.

Have you got good enough pain meds to help you out? And is it worth thinking about wider things that might distract you? Could you afford an extra streaming service for a month or two, or maybe get a load of library books out?

OP, you're not reading what people are posting.

They are saying that they wouldn't realise someone would need help unless they asked for it.

Some people break a bone and because of the break and the layout of their house they were able to manage in that specific situation. Your specific situation is different but they've only got their own reference point to compare it to. They are NOT saying 'get on with it'. They are saying they wouldn't realise your situation was worse than theirs unless told.

You feel like you shouldn't have to ask your mum for help but she's got form for not helping much. That is upsetting.

You are 100% valid for being upset. Your choices are: ask friends and family for specific help or continue as you are doing.

That's clearly not what people are saying. The overriding message is ASK FOR HELP.
It's a shame that you are feeling too sorry for yourself right now to recognise that.

Can you get a commode for the toilet?? I broke my leg and was in a cast from hip to toes. Getting upstairs was impossible for a few months. Maybe ask social services for help,m

I think it is the realisation that what seemed like strong family ties are actually anything but. It hurts to realise that but sadly I.think.it seems to be the way of the world these days. People lead busy stressful lives and even those who dont cant seem to put themselves in others shoes a lot of the time.
It sucks frankly and I dont even ask for anything anymore because , as someone else said , the failure to come through only makes me feel even more alone .
Sorry you are having such a crappy time. Hope you feel better soon

Oh - I thought my post was supportive.

Sometimes people are just thoughtless. I would definitely try asking but be mentally prepared that they might refuse (and bear that in mind going forward). You should not have had to beg your mum to get your DC from school for you! And doing it all in a townhouse sounds really difficult, especially if bathrooms are on the “wrong” floor. Do you have any friends you could ask for help?

My DC broke his leg last year and was non weight bearing for 4 weeks - and took about the same amount of time to get his mobility back. Totally different ball game as he was 5 so we could carry him (too young for crutches) but I do think people don’t get it if they haven’t been in that situation. My own DM kept telling me he couldn’t possibly be non weight bearing and they’d give him a boot so he could get around….based on her experience of a much more minor break. People might well not be leaning in on that basis, having not realised you have what sounds like a more complex fracture.

So sorry op. Someone I know recently had a really bad break as well and was completely unable to do anything , even get to the toilet on her own. Luckily, her partner works from home and was able to be her carer. Otherwise I don't know how she would have managed.

Leg breaks are all completely different, and someone might well be able to hobble around on crutches, but that doesn't mean everyone will.

It's all very well to say ask for help but sometimes you just know people aren't going to help. I often think that if I was in a really bad situation I honestly don't know who I would ask , because although I have a few friends , they're not the type that would help me.

Only you know if your friends are likely to help or not , but i'm sorry you're in this situation and that you feel unsupported here.

Haven't read the whole thread, but wanted to pass on a tip that I found priceless when I was on crutches with a broken femur last year. Having a little rucksack to use around the house and at work was super useful. Useful for carrying a flask of tea and a mug to the sofa/to my desk at work, or for carrying little bits and pieces around the house / up and down stairs. It's really tricky though, so sympathies!

Use your words.

some people like to be left alone to lick their wounds in peace.

some people want friends and family round.

you need to use your words as people cannot guess how you feel

I think people are so busy living their own lives they don't realise exactly what others are going through. Even your Mum, she might seem healthy and maybe has a quieter lufe, but as you get older you want to relax more - neither of us are antisocial but we both agree it can be tiring being with others too long.

Maybe now is the time to call in favours with friends, ie any that you've done school pick up for or parents you've helped with childcare.

This!

I’ve reread the comments and not a single one says you should just crack on like other other people do. The person saying she was able to get by with everything drive with her injury was making the point lots of us have made that if that is your experience or what you’ve seen others experience then you probably would assume you didn’t need active help beyond your husband. So it’s not that they don’t care, they just don’t know the situation.

I am sorry about your mum.
If I was a friend I would assume your DH and mother are looking after you okay. I am sorry that's not the case.

What would you do if she broke her leg? More than she is doing hopefully. I hate the way you had to beg for help. That’s awful. I would be having a frank conversation with her that you are really struggling and need help. Also ask her how she would feel if she was in your shoes.

Why not have a tv set up in your bedroom for safer bathroom access. You can have a packed lunch left and a flask of tea or coffee. Plenty of drinks, snacks and meds etc.

I was the same when I broke my ankle, no help apart from DH. Maybe TMI but I used a container to wee in, thus avoiding the loo, bought a wheelchair and slept on the sofa (awful). No family help, indifferent grownup DC. It gradually got better, but took a while.. look online for aids for the disabled. It will heal, honest, but I know how it is to feel totally alone and helpless.

Why do you just assume people know what help you need? You have to tell them and ask for specific help.

You’ve had some good advice on this thread OP. People aren’t just telling you to get on with it. They’re advising that if you need help you need to specifically ask for it. Your friends and family will assume that as you have a partner and aren’t asking them for help then you’re fine.
People aren’t mind readers and it’s unfair to be arsey about them because they don’t automatically know that you need help.
You’ve also had some great practical advice such as a hot mug/flask, packed lunch and carrying a bag around.
People on here have taken time to give advice to you and you’re being sulky.

It sounds like they do care, but people do need to be assertive when they need favours. You can't expect others to be mind readers. They could well assume your mum and husband have it all covered.

Definitely say what would help and just get each person to do one thing if possible.

Bum shuffling up the stairs? I can't remember what happened with my leg cast and stairs but it was a ligament tear not break , so I think I could weight bare sooner?
Definitely don't feel bad asking for help and make use of delivery apps for groceries or cooked food.

You shouldn't say you made a mistake posting. Why not just listen to our well meaning advice. Some people you disagree with but that's life.