Broken leg - now know friends and family don’t care

[Currentlylaidup]

I broke my leg a couple of weeks ago. It’s been horrendous. I live in a townhouse so lots of stairs. Trying to get to the bathroom with a cast has been awful. Trying to do anything has been awful.

I have 2 dc and a DH. DH has had to take time off work because although 1 DC can walk to school the other was being driven by me everyday to a different school. I obviously can’t drive so DH has to do it.

My mother lives literally round the corner from me as do other relatives including my brothers. I had to beg my mother to drop my DC at school and pick them up 2 days last week. She is 65 retired and healthy. Even though she lives round the corner I haven’t seen her in days. When I got back from hospital she did drop in a sandwich for me once and that was it.

Ive had text messages from various relatives saying how sorry they are. No offers of support. Nothing. Lots of lovely messages from people who I thought were good friends but that’s it. No practical help.

I feel so alone. I can’t weight bear so can’t do anything practical and DH is run ragged working full time, looking after the DCs and trying to stay on top of the housework. How lovely I keep thinking if we had some support from our families.

I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but it’s times like these when I wish I was surrounded by a loving family who want to help. If it was my grown up daughter going through this I’d be there for her.

Sorry OP that’s really shitty of them. I’m wondering if you might have more luck if you are more direct (not with your mum, her response was shocking) but with friends. Sometimes people don’t want to overstep.

I’m having a baby at Christmas and shortly after DH is going to be having surgery that will leave him in a cast for up to 12 weeks. We have lots of local family and friends and I’m planning on sending a message out to the effect of:

Hello! DH is now on crutches for the next 12 weeks and we really need help managing the baby and the house. Please could you let us know if you are able to do any of the following:

• come and watch the baby for a couple of hours
• batch cook us some meals
• help me with some housework
• take DH to his follow up appointments on X and X

Anything else anyone can do at this difficult time would be hugely appreciated. Thank you so much 🙏

It feels shit to have to ask but normally if you do people really don’t mind helping.

Have you had a visit from Occupational Health? Especially before you left hospital? I agree buy a commode? Frame around the toilet?
I know my DF would visit every day, but my DM would need to be asked. But if I asked she would help! But when she broke her ankle, she stayed on the floor with the bed and toilet. And she got sick of us fussing and didn’t want to visit every day!

Can’t you batch cook now and freeze some meals for later?

I had a hysterectomy and couldn’t do any housework for six weeks. It was absolutely fine! The world didn’t collapse, and DH managed to put the washing on and hang it out. The only real difference was that the carpets didn’t get hoovered as often as usual, and honestly, who cares? It really wasn’t a problem.

I’m just thinking that so many women have C-sections and are unable to do very much for six weeks while they recover, and they manage perfectly well. I don’t understand why things can’t just be left a little for a few weeks. It’s such a short period of time in the grand scheme of things.

Personally, I think I’d feel quite uncomfortable asking friends to come and do my housework when they have their own homes and responsibilities to deal with. I’d much rather let a few things slide, simplify meals and accept that the house might not be quite as tidy as usual for a while.

Does everything really need to be done to the usual standard, or can some things just wait until you’re back on your feet?

I dont think its "shitty" because your friends arent scrubbing your toilet out weekly

Did you miss the bit where my husband will be on crutches for 12 weeks AND we will have a newborn so I will be recovering from childbirth.

Our parents are retired and live locally, we have siblings and cousins in the next town. I’m not asking people to come and do a weekly scrub of the bathroom but a whiz round, a load of washing or a food shop is a kind thing to do when people you love are drowning?

No I didnt miss it- having a child doesnt render you incapable of putting a wash on- if it did, then no single parents would be able to cope would they?

What if your friends are at work or have their own families to look after?

I think you are being wildly insensitive to be honest. You have no idea what kind of birth or recovery I will have, or what kind of baby. DH won’t be able to do anything useful at all. It says a lot about you that you would be content to allow your loved ones to struggle through a tough time without so much as a lasagne dropped on the door step. No man is an island you know. My mum had surgery on her arm the other week and my dad can’t cook - I brought them round a shepherd’s pie for when she got back from the hospital - it’s just what you do?

I've had two children myself and both my parents are dead so yes, ive had to cope alone many times. I am absolutely aghast that people are so utterly helpless they cant even put something in a washing machine.

Good grief. Its unbelievable. The male "helplessness" is utterly sickening too

Im afraid I agree that your text is really cheeky @AllIwantForChrismasIsAKitchenAidStandMixerunless there’s more info that you know and we don’t? From what you’ve said, you’re going to have a baby. People have done that before. You know that already so you can batch cook and freeze in advance. Many many babies really aren’t very difficult, I think the average newborn sleeps something like 20 hours a day? I think that’s really cheeky to send out in advance, for a fairly common situation. You are no different to a single parent, or a parent where the other one is out at work long hours or away. Fair enough if you find your self struggling after send a ‘fuck, this is harder than we imagined, has anyone got any spare hours to help.’

Every mother just has to crack on because that's life. Also why is your DH useless for 12 weeks? I was non weight bearing for about 10 weeks after having my leg reconstructed and I was capable of most things. In fact my shoulders were in the best shape of my life after using crutches for so long. Carrying a brew proved challenging but I used a lidded cup and a clip a made for my crutch. I couldn't drive so I was reliant on my partner for that but pretty much everything I just got on with.

I just feel really sorry for you tbh that you clearly haven’t formed any close enough relationships in your life to call upon people in times of need. We’re moving house and I’m obviously heavily pregnant and DH is injured (hence the surgery).

We are paying packers and movers to ease the burden as much as we can ourselves but without being asked:

• DH’s friend came and got stuff down from the loft at the weekend and has offered to put up curtain poles etc at the new house on Monday
• My parents are coming round to old house Monday morning to clean
• My in laws have offered to feed us Sunday evening because all our stuff will be packed and FIL will bring dinner round for us on Monday.

Reciprocally we fed DH’s cousin and partner when they had a week of sofa surfing in between house moves last year, we brought round a mini food shop for our friend when his partner was in intensive care, I’m helping my brother declutter and sort out his house after his divorce. Living in a community is nice, you should try it, it might make you less bitter.

Same! when I broke my femur, I became very good on my crutches and my arms were ripped with muscles as a result! My goodness, I still managed to do loads of things, I cant imagine just sitting that like some helpless lump expecting people to wait on me hand and foot.

🙄

Oh fgs op just open your mouth and ask. When you get the lovely text, reply and say if they could help out with something specific. You strike me as a martyr. Your flouncing off says it too.
Don’t expect people to mind read. They know you have a husband and old enough child to walk who walks to school, so may not realise how hard it actually is. You’ve created this drama about ‘nobody cares’ but you haven’t even tried to ask anyone

i would also make a shepherds pie for a friend if she had an operation if I had the time that week. But if I received a text from a friend months in advance of her operation to make her a shepherds pie, I would think wtaf.

Why will you be drowning?

If you know he's going to be on crutches and you know you're going to give birth, get prepared now. Batch cook, clean everything and set up your house for crutches. Over time, crutches get easier to use and he will become more mobile.

I'd ask when I started drowning, not in anticipation of something that may not happen.

When did I say it would be months in advance? I said “in advance” as in once he has had the surgery and we know what needs doing.

I agree, I think with ten weeks to get organised it’s actually embarrassing to friends who are all pretty stretched to begin with to clean your house and cook meals.

-Batch cook now and freeze, keep a list so you know what’s available. Pre prepared meals are available from lots of different suppliers now made with fresh produce and perfectly nutritious.
-Pre plan a few online supermarket deliveries that you can tweak nearer the time. Try to stock up on post birth/op essentials like pain relief, fresh wipes, loo roll, tissues, laundry detergent etc.
-Deep clean the house before… standards can slip for a few weeks afterwards and just keep up with the essentials.
-Ensure you have comfortable post op clothes, easy to wash and it doesn’t matter if the baby is in baby grows for a few months to make life easier.

I think you’re overthinking this.

DH had a planned knee replacement when I had my first baby. We planned it that way so that he could be home for an extra 6 weeks with full sick pay as opposed to just 2 weeks paternity leave.

It was lovely. 2 months just the 3 of us. We muddled along really well. DH could sit and cuddle the baby whilst I had a shower. He did loads with the baby actually. He was able to help with nights because he didn’t have to worry about getting up for work in the morning. It was a really special time and we certainly didn’t need any outside help. We were on cloud 9!

It was much harder when I had my 2nd with a toddler in tow and DH took only 1 week paternity leave!

It’s the ‘without being asked’ that makes it absolutely fine and normal @AllIwantForChrismasIsAKitchenAidStandMixer. Yes, that is how my friends and family are with each other too. So why would you need to send a list of expectations in advance?

But we aren’t perfectly capable at the moment because we are incapacitated - we have kind people in our lives who want to help and we help and have helped in return. You don’t win any prizes for being a martyr.

Well I might not but if no one comes forward and I am struggling like the OP then I will!

Having a baby doesnt make you incapacitated - why on earth would you assume that? and by the looks of the responses, I am not alone in thinking that

You need to text them and say you need help people assume you are fine unless you say you are not. They are not mind readers.

Being 8 months pregnant does when it comes to moving house which is what I was referring to.

Do you not have removal people? surely you arent expecting your friends to move all your stuff?