Broken leg - now know friends and family don’t care

[Currentlylaidup]

I broke my leg a couple of weeks ago. It’s been horrendous. I live in a townhouse so lots of stairs. Trying to get to the bathroom with a cast has been awful. Trying to do anything has been awful.

I have 2 dc and a DH. DH has had to take time off work because although 1 DC can walk to school the other was being driven by me everyday to a different school. I obviously can’t drive so DH has to do it.

My mother lives literally round the corner from me as do other relatives including my brothers. I had to beg my mother to drop my DC at school and pick them up 2 days last week. She is 65 retired and healthy. Even though she lives round the corner I haven’t seen her in days. When I got back from hospital she did drop in a sandwich for me once and that was it.

Ive had text messages from various relatives saying how sorry they are. No offers of support. Nothing. Lots of lovely messages from people who I thought were good friends but that’s it. No practical help.

I feel so alone. I can’t weight bear so can’t do anything practical and DH is run ragged working full time, looking after the DCs and trying to stay on top of the housework. How lovely I keep thinking if we had some support from our families.

I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but it’s times like these when I wish I was surrounded by a loving family who want to help. If it was my grown up daughter going through this I’d be there for her.

People are saying ask for help if you need it, you say you don’t want to/don’t like to. What exactly do you want people to say to you?

if a friend was in your situation and had a partner live at home, I’d presume they were managing to take care of things.
you need to make adjustments in your home to make things work - a commode type toilet you can access int he room you’re in. DH leaving food for the day within reach?

if you want your mum to come round and help, ask her. She’s not a mind reader!

I think you have every right to feel sorry for yourself. Can you just tell your mother she needs help, and let her know exactly what you need her to do. Sometimes they just need instruction. My mother would never do anything for me unless asked, because she's always scared of interfering. I always asked for help, however my sisters never did and they now resent her terribly.

I think your DM is horrible. There’s no way with me living close by I wouldn’t drop in at least once a day to see/check in on my daughter. And I wouldn’t call every day to check in. She sounds very selfish.

i don’t know how old your kids are OP, clearly school age though, but I think the problem is that as you have a DH (and a mum that lives round the corner) people assume you don’t need much extra help.

Your mum does sound particularly unhelpful as she can see how you are, but I genuinely would assume that someone with school age kids and a DH could cope in this situation. I sprained my ankle when my kids were 1and 3 and DH was away with work. It was horrible but I managed ok for a couple of days til he got back (thanks to some lovely friends) - I genuinely think people think it’s like that. You’re in pain but can hobble about a bit and kind of look after yourself in the day, and then DH can do the house and kids, not that you’re completely utterly incapacitated!

Text/ring your mum or friends and say - I can’t even make myself a cup of tea - please can you come round and make me some lunch. I really need help!

Remember this when they need help from you.

OP, sorry about your broken leg. I hate my independence to be taken away from me too. I was I a car accident then an accident at work and was immobile for a while with no help.

Also, sorry about the lack of empathy here.

What we can’t change here is your leg, but you can do other stuff. Rather than watch telly can you do things to help your couple of months future self?

I’d be getting a big pile of admin and a massive to do list and blast through it. I’d also be getting someone in to clean, sort out next years holiday, do online shopping for food to take off the pressure, TELL your mum and brothers what you need help with and if they don’t then tell them you won’t be doing anything for them in future.

You need to ask for help people aren't mind readers. You assume people will offer. They probably assume you'll ask if you need help!

I was in a non-weight-bearing cast for six weeks. DH got a cassette toilet for the downstairs room I was in, and a mini fridge for the table beside the bed. This made a massive difference.

edit to add we got storage boxes that slid under the bed and I did some admin. But tbh mostly I slept for about 12-16 hours every day from the shock of it all.

Honestly she shouldn’t have to ask. This poor woman’s mother lives around the corner. But I know she will have to ask now.
Years ago a mum with 2 kids at my children’s school had a c section and couldn’t drive for 6 weeks. I knew her but not close friends. Her husband worked and had to work. I messaged each Saturday night and offered the days that I was at school to take her children home to her. Other mums did the same as no nearby family. We are firm friends 10 years on. I just wish as a society we had more empathy and more of how can I help someone else’s journey be better attitude. It makes me sad reading this things

Oh come on.

We're talking about parenting our own kids and doing a bit of housework and cooking.

Your bar is disturbingly low.

I just assume people would realise how difficult things are and offer practical help?

They aren't mind readers. You have a live in partner. People assume he has things covered or you would ask for help.

Pay for a cleaner. Switch to paper plates and cups and plastic utensils to decrease dishwashing. Get a commode and temp bed and set up downstairs. Husband sets you with with a thermos of hot drink, a thermos of soup, a jug of water, snacks within reach. You do have to get up and move around every couple hours to prevent the complications of bed rest and increase your activity as tolerated. Did they not give you crutches? If not, get some. Yes, your husband has to do more while you're not able. That's called teamwork.

I think it's really weird you get mad because you won't ask for help but still expect help from outside your nuclear family.

@Currentlylaidup poor you.....sounds fucking shit xx

It may not occur to some people what practical help you need- maybe take a breath and text a couple of mates and explain how they can help you- I've never been in your situation, but im pretty sure id be one of those people who unless you specifically asked for help, would assume you're ok xx

Hugs 🫂 to you x

It sounds like you have a DH problem because HE isn't coping! Has he asked HIS family for help? If you were my friend, I would have said 'If I can do anything, let me know'. If I heard nothing, I'd assume your capable husband could manage.

Next there will be the opposite thread 'I broke my leg and no one will leave me alone! DH and I are more than capable of organising and managing things, but my mum/brother/friends are COSTANTLY here and offering help. Its overwhelming and I just want some peace!

You haven't said which part of your leg is broken, but a kneel scooter might help if its lower leg/ankle or a small, fold up wheel chair. Are there any parents that live nearby who could take your child to school a day or so until half term? Get a housekeeper or cleaner if DH isn't coping. ASK for help.

You need to ask for help - people probably see your DH is helping and think that’s fine. Yeah they should ask but they haven’t so you need to. I’d happily help out if asked but wouldn’t assume help was needed.

Hope you recover soon.

Oh OP. I can empathise completely with how hard this is as I broke my ankle two weeks ago and also live in house ridden with stairs. I had to crawl into the house and then up the stairs to the spare bedroom as that is next to the only bathroom. I have a frame for hopping about as was dreadful on crutches. Until I can weight bear or can do stairs, I have to live upstairs. My partner is bring meals up and keeping me provided with things I need. Until I injured myself I never appreciated how impossible. or potentially dangerous for health. some tasks are. I imagine you need to elevate the leg too so you shouldn't be trying to much anyway. Maybe explain clearly to family what you need or see if other parents can drop your kids to school. I did that years ago for a lady I didn't even know who lived down my street.

But wait; if your partner, the child’s father, can’t get extra time off work to help, then how do you expect other people to?

Sorry, but you're wrong. We're talking about a doubled workload, which takes adjustment for most people. Not everyone has a huge amount of extra capacity - I'm married to a great husband, but I work full-time in a demanding senior role, and have a child with SEN, all of which I manage fine, even with several significant health issues. But if my husband was laid up, I'd suddenly be doing all the school runs and all the shopping and cooking and cleaning and looking after him, and I'd struggle. That doesn't mean I'm a crap mum or that my bar is low.

I don't know where the idea came from on MN that everyone is or should be equally capable of doing everything anyone else can do with zero adjustment time. You might struggle to step into my senior leadership role, @LadyLooo, if you suddenly had to do it without any preparation - would that mean you were crap at being a mum or at your job?

I’m sure that people think your H has it all covered

thing is, HE is struggling, so actually HE could pick up the phone to your mum and say “I’m at work all day tomorrow, are you around to pop in for a few hours to help @Currentlylaidup ?”

sit your H down and tell him you are struggling, and can see he is too, and should you get some more help in?

I get it OP. I broke my ankle and couldn’t weight bear for a week. When we went back to the fracture clinic, I told the doctor I couldn’t get into our downstairs toilet with a Zimmer frame (they hadn’t given me crutches) and I was in too much pain to get up the stairs to the bathroom. She just looked at DH - I pointed out, he was working full time in London. Being self employed, he couldn’t take weeks off to look after me, because it’s all unpaid leave.

She gave me a boot and crutches instead, but I still couldn’t do anything for myself because of the pain for weeks. Codeine does nothing for me. in fact I couldn’t really think properly. Even watching TV was too demanding for me. Getting dressed just in underwear, leggings and a jumper took me 45 minutes, because of the pain.

DH was at full stretch, commuting full time, looking after me and DD2 (at home with severe MH problems), doing the housework, laundry, cooking and shopping. He had to give me strip washes and hair washes in the kitchen; help me get up for the toilet (I couldn’t stand up by myself, because I had to spring up and tended to fall backwards again). I struggled to get myself food and drinks in the daytime, and cut down on what I drank because going to the toilet was so painful. He hired a wheelchair and took me out at the weekends, to give me a break from looking at four walls.

He’d already had a heart attack, so it’s not like he is fully fit himself.

Luckily, a friend drove me to the physio sessions.

I can honestly say, it was an awful time.

I don’t think it’s comparable to being a single parent, unless they are working full time at home and looking after helpless children, who are quite out of it, at the same time!

I'm sorry, OP, but there's lots of supportive comments, and suggestions. It's OK to be feeling sorry for yourself, I've been in a similar situation, surgery, and couldn't weight bear, with a one year old. Then husband was OK, but it was still a struggle. What were you expecting from posting here? From what I've read so far, nobody has said "just get on with it" I've seen lots of great suggestions. If you don't use your words and ask, how are people supposed to know?

I know what you mean OP as my family are the same. I think you will have to ask directly and see what the outcome is. I don’t like asking for help either as I would expect it to be offered (as I would offer help to others).

We’ve had a couple of times where we’ve desperately needed help and absolutely none was offered. I have 2 parents who don’t work but are in excellent health yet they barely make an effort and there’s no support from them at all. What makes it worse is that I have a half brother who receives endless support despite not actually needing any (single, no kids).

And I know it’s not the same at all, but once I was laid up with full blown tonsillitis- raging temperature, was like the walking dead and my mother never called me once. She lived 3mins down the road

but this was the beginning of my realisation that she really wasn’t the mother I needed.

the Pattern was there, if I needed anything she ran in the opposite direction

Well then so it’s not about your leg is it? It’s picked off a scab from another episode and re exposed the fact you feel unsupported.

To be honest I’d not expect help above driving me places if I had a partner at home so we are all different and I’m hyper independent which is a trauma response so that’s not helpful!

but as everyone is saying - ask.

Well ask for help. I’ve never broken my leg so would be unable to envisage how much help you would need. Plus you have a DH.

It’s understandable you’re feeling a bit pissed off and grumpy OP but you do probably need to refocus your energy on practical solutions if you’re not willing to ask.i think your friends will assume that with your mum round the corner, you’ll have some support there.

If your DH isn’t coping then you need to throw some money at the problem- getting cook meals in, possibly getting a one-off clean, you might even need to look at a couple of visits from carers. You also need a plan for half term if you’re going to be immobile. The kids need to help out more if they are old enough to.