Broken leg - now know friends and family don’t care

[Currentlylaidup]

I broke my leg a couple of weeks ago. It’s been horrendous. I live in a townhouse so lots of stairs. Trying to get to the bathroom with a cast has been awful. Trying to do anything has been awful.

I have 2 dc and a DH. DH has had to take time off work because although 1 DC can walk to school the other was being driven by me everyday to a different school. I obviously can’t drive so DH has to do it.

My mother lives literally round the corner from me as do other relatives including my brothers. I had to beg my mother to drop my DC at school and pick them up 2 days last week. She is 65 retired and healthy. Even though she lives round the corner I haven’t seen her in days. When I got back from hospital she did drop in a sandwich for me once and that was it.

Ive had text messages from various relatives saying how sorry they are. No offers of support. Nothing. Lots of lovely messages from people who I thought were good friends but that’s it. No practical help.

I feel so alone. I can’t weight bear so can’t do anything practical and DH is run ragged working full time, looking after the DCs and trying to stay on top of the housework. How lovely I keep thinking if we had some support from our families.

I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but it’s times like these when I wish I was surrounded by a loving family who want to help. If it was my grown up daughter going through this I’d be there for her.

What do you want people to do? There are two adults in your house. It wouldn’t occur to me to ask a friend with a broken leg if they needed help in the house if they had a husband!
People have their own lives and own kids to get to school. One of your children walks and the husband takes the other one, not sure what the problem is. Or ask for help if you need it.

Dm will need help one day. I wouldn't be so forthcoming with it if I were @Currentlylaidup .

That's where you and my friends differ. Do you have many friends? You don't sound very emphathic.

I can’t understand that all. I’d be seeing you everyday if this was my dc. Has your mum always been a bit emotionally distant?

I don't think the 'I managed just fine' posts are that helpful. And I agree that your mum is being a bit shit, if you had to ask for help last week she probably knew you were struggling and it would have been nice if she had offered to do a bit more, come round and cook a meal or something as well as company, fetching stuff for you etc.

But agree with PP that the practical issues (getting kids to school etc) just might not have crossed peoples minds. It might be that they are a bit oblivious rather than they don't care about you. Especially if you're someone that generally looks organised and capable.

Please reach out to people and ask for specific help. Can someone take your child to school, pop round to help you with x or whatever. Hopefully people will surprise you. And the ones that don't, you know how they feel and i wouldn't be doing them any favours in the future

You're obviously feeling very sorry for yourself, which is totally understandable, but I promise you the posts I've read have all been supportive and given examples of things you can do to make it easier; as a full time wheelchair user my community is where I learnt the practical day to day tricks, some you may know others not.

Please use a rucksack not a tote bag on one handle as it'll make you unbalanced and risk falling.

Most people who have never used crutches appreciate how difficult they are, and how exhausting they are. Especially if you're completely non weight bearing. Stairs are a particular nastiness.

You feel alone but if you were alone people wouldn't be contacting you. But you really need to ask for help if you need it. People don't know how difficult it is, and you can just give them small assists that wouldn't put them out too much.

Hey thanks for the message, tbh I'm knackered these stairs are a killer, do you fancy coming round for a coffee and a catch up, but I might have to delegate the coffee making to you, as I'm a bit lacking in hands at the moment.

That way you educate, ask for something low effort that benefits you both and you get a bit of company and then when they're there and see the struggle they might offer more help and when you've asked one person asking another is easier.
Hey would you like a coffee & catch up? Would you mind grabbing me [up to 5 items] from the shop on your way please? It's a PITA getting round on these darn crutches

Hope this helps and it's fine to feel as you do, and hopefully soon you'll see the suggestions in here as helpful as they were intended.

You have to ask for help. Of course no one is going to impose on you when you’ve just had a baby.

Regarding the leg - Set up a group whatapp of the people that might provide it. Give them an update if the situation and state exactly what you need.

Don't you think you owe it to your friends and family to give them a proper opportunity to help you? Rather than just assuming they don't care? I just think it's a bit of a reach to jump to that conclusion when you haven't actually asked them for any help, and I'd be really sad if a close friend of mine didn't give me the opportunity to fix things...

I hate asking for help. - but you must. How can they know what you need if you do not tell them?

Don't treat this as a test of their imagination and then be upset when they fail!

Been in similar situation with broken foot and am wishing you a speedy recovery.

You don’t sound much of a friend if it wouldn’t even occur to you. A good friend, who can feasibly get to your house, would surely say please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. I would also make it a priority to visit to see how she is.

Anatomy of this thread.

OP: I'm unable to cope without help. No one is offering help.

Nearly every response: You must ask people to help you, otherwise they won't know you need help.

OP: Flounces out of thread.

I’d be perfectly happy to help out a friend if they told me something practical they needed from me.

I wouldn’t spend my time and energy brainstorming what they might need so I can proactively offer to provide help - not even on call, but at my own request/insistence on an ongoing basis!

I’m sorry your mum especially isn’t being overly helpful or willing.

People aren’t psychic so ASK! They probably assume you’re fine because you’re married. Can’t your Dh take AL?

He's already taken some time off according to the OP.

So perhaps not everyone knows he's back at work now, as the OP hasn't told them.

You have to ask. They’ll assume someone else is helping and that you’re fine. Don’t pretend to be fine, just ask.

What would you do if your friend or Mum was in the same position and said they needed help? You’d be round in a flash! They will be too.

I feel for you ,My Mum was similar to yours .I would have to shout really loud to be heard ! MAybe call her and seek her help, and ask maybe she could pop by with a sandwich again? I dont think this is all that unusual really .The media makes out we are all surrounded by jolly Granny types who cant wait to help! RL much more people who maybe dont think ,or feel like Im 65 and I need to put my feet up now .Not fair at all but you are not alone

Crikey what is wrong with people? OP I would be at my daughters in a heartbeat to help her despite her having a partner ! I had a friend in same position as you when my children were school age. The Mums picked up and dropped off the children.
People really don’t need to be psychic ,as a poster suggested to work out that a person with a broken leg in a town house would appreciate the offer of help!

Itvsounds very stressful and hard especially with a upstairs loo.

I broke my ankle. I asked if anyone coukd stop.by and help me get my lunch as my husband was doing an important project and coukdn't come home for lunch. I thought about each persons abilitiy ( age, work pattern) and ssked them.for spevific things.

I did discover my "best" fruend was a selfish cow (I'd cleaned her cat litter box for a month when she was sick but she did nothing for me, but did text me from nights out to "cheer" me up.)

Others did help greatly.

Same when my son was in hospital.

I asked people very clear tasks.

Good luck and I'd bring you lunch if I knew where you lived.

You say you don't like asking, so that means you don't like receiving help either, people will stay on the periphery unless you ask for help, a lot of people are wary of ovestepping.

Your mum probably thinks your DH is coping, your friends probably think your family is helping, you need to ask if you want help.. which you clearly do.

I would probably assume that your husband was managing.

Maybe your mum doesn't want to be drawn into doing what she thinks he should be doing?

I would rather be asked to come & do a specific think I think.

I'm not sure I'd really expect to be cooking & cleaning when there's another adult in the house though.

Are people now so stultified that they can't work out someone with a broken leg may need some help? A simple "Is there anything you need?" or "Is there anything I can help with?" is just natural surely?

My daughter and the baby moved in with me when she broke her leg. Her husband was out at work and she couldn't cope. It was a no brainer! I've also given and received help from various friends over the years, you know, like normal people do.

I'm sorry you've had such stupid responses OP. This isn't the first thread I've seen today where posters have been mocking and taunting of an OP for perfectly normal feelings and observations. Sad really.

You need to ask because your dh doesn’t have to do anything more than a single parent working full time does every single day. Do you text your friends who are single parents working parents if they need help on a daily basis? That’s probably a no.

I would reframe your thinking too. Unhappiness is a choice. I would be quite happy temporarily not being able to do anything, bit of tv series, takeaways for a treat.

I think your household is probably set up that you do kids/housework and then part time work in whatever time you have left; and your dh just goes out to work. Which is fine when it works, but goes tits up when you’re incapacitated like now. Maybe it’s worth readdressing the balance so that things like this aren’t so insurmountable.

Exactly this.

Did you know you could borrow, hire or buy a commode? (But someone has to empty it…)

Your mother and close family should know better. They're really letting you down. People a bit further removed like friends, wider family, school parents - they probably think that the people closer to you have it under control. Some of them are probably more than happy to help but don't realise that you need them. You're going to have to ask.