Broken leg - now know friends and family don’t care

[Currentlylaidup]

I broke my leg a couple of weeks ago. It’s been horrendous. I live in a townhouse so lots of stairs. Trying to get to the bathroom with a cast has been awful. Trying to do anything has been awful.

I have 2 dc and a DH. DH has had to take time off work because although 1 DC can walk to school the other was being driven by me everyday to a different school. I obviously can’t drive so DH has to do it.

My mother lives literally round the corner from me as do other relatives including my brothers. I had to beg my mother to drop my DC at school and pick them up 2 days last week. She is 65 retired and healthy. Even though she lives round the corner I haven’t seen her in days. When I got back from hospital she did drop in a sandwich for me once and that was it.

Ive had text messages from various relatives saying how sorry they are. No offers of support. Nothing. Lots of lovely messages from people who I thought were good friends but that’s it. No practical help.

I feel so alone. I can’t weight bear so can’t do anything practical and DH is run ragged working full time, looking after the DCs and trying to stay on top of the housework. How lovely I keep thinking if we had some support from our families.

I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but it’s times like these when I wish I was surrounded by a loving family who want to help. If it was my grown up daughter going through this I’d be there for her.

Asking is there anything you need or is there anything I can help with, is telling the person to tell you specifically what is needed and can be helped with. It’s a pleasantry that may be stated outright or unspoken.

This is exactly what OP needs to do.

If I got a text from even a colleague saying can you pick me up a bag of shopping or whatnot I would be borderline pleased to have been asked! At the same time, I’m not reaching out to my friends saying “hi I was just thinking about which aspects of your current situation, home and support structure and concluded you might want me to make you a lasagne, is Thursday 6pm good for you?” or even asking on a daily basis: any help? anything you need?

I would expect to be asked and have no problem with it

I fractured my ankle last year and couldn't weight bear for 3 weeks. My husband thankfully was able to work from home, those 3 weeks, but he too was running around, looking after me, the house, working full-time and well as keeping on top of parenting (although my son was 15 at the time, and self-sufficient). My parents did pop over frequently though and offered help.

Have you asked anyone else to help? I appreciate you have your Mum, but anyone else? People may assume that your husband is OK carrying the full load, and no practical help is required. Could a school Mum help with drop offs/pick ups?

I think this is key- people worry about offering help without knowing if they can do what you actually need them to do

"If there's anything you need please ask"
"Actually yes can you come and cook my kids dinner tomorrow?"
"Oh no sorry I can't because [ insert legitimate reason they cant and then feel shit about it while you think "well why did you offer then?"

Whereas if you throw out "please could someone bring x home from school tomorrow- I've broken my leg" even on the class whatsapp you'll get people offering.

You weren't wrong to post. You were wrong to not listen to what everyone is saying - which is to ask for help as people aren't mind readers and don't understand experiences they haven't had. That's really good advice, but not what you wanted to hear, is it?

As someone who lives alone it wouldn't occur to me that somebody who has the luxury of an in-house husband would need help, so not offering wouldn't mean a lack of care

@Currentlylaidup I think the majority said ask for help? You sound very stroppy. Take it out on dm not us.

You want everyone to rush around and help you, having read your mind. You can’t have it both ways. Ask for help and if you don’t get it you’re justified in how you feel. As it stands you just sound whiney.

For context that one lift to school you got is more times than a family member has ever been able to help us with lifts to school.

I am so sorry, that is rubbish. When I broke my leg a few years ago my next door neighbour and the mums at my daughters school all rallied round walking my youngest to school and popping in to make me lunches. I live in quite a small village so perhaps that makes a difference. My old friend who lives a distance away drove up one day to tidy my house, without my asking. You are right to feel let down, your mum in particular sounds useless.

Maturing (in my experience) has been the realisation that if you want something you have to ask. Explicitly.

Delegate all the things you absolutely cannot do, spread the load between friends and family. Be humble and gracious about their help and dont waste time over thinking any of it.

Remember all this OP when your relatives needs support. I would tell your mum as well, she get back what she gave you - not a lot !

Those Chilly water bottles (or knock-offs) are great for tea and coffee.

When DH broke his leg last year I would make up one with tea in and another with coffee in first thing for him and he could pour himself a cup whenever he wanted one without getting up.

It is frustrating when you have limited mobility but you just have to find ways to cut some corners. We live in a townhouse without a downstairs loo so we set up a room upstairs where DH could work and watch tv. I had a mini fridge in the basement that I moved into that room to. I made sure everything he needed for the day was up there before I left for work. He basically just lived upstairs for a couple of weeks until he was more mobile and had gotten used to the cast/crutches and was in less pain.

We don’t have young kids that need taking to school though so we didn’t have that worry. Why not ask if some school mums could help out with the school runs? I think that’s what I would have done back in the day. Then when you’re better you can return the favour.

OP when people text lovely messages, can you reply and say, “please come and see me, I’m really struggling right now.” And then ask then to do stuff?

@Currentlylaidup

Previously broke my leg 2 summers ago with 2 DC off for summer hols, a DH who could not take time off work and no family around the corner. Obviously could not drive or take DC anywhere at all - for their much anticipated summer break. I felt awful, was in pain and was so frustrated (we have stairs as well).

Before it happened to me personally, if I heard that a friend was hurt I would have just sent those texts "so sorry to hear, let me know if you need anything".

Having experienced it with my leg, I now understand that texts are useless - practical help is what is needed.

So just ask. Just literally say what you need - and be clear - you don't have to be self ingratiating or self deprecating. Just be honest and direct and ask for help. It's not a situation likely to re-occur (hopefully) and these are your actual friends and family, not strangers. If you ask them to help you I am 100% sure they will.

I don't like to ask for help either (pride is one of my character defects) but I want to tell you that I asked my mum to come and stay with me for 6 weeks. She lives an 11 hour flight away. She came. Because I asked.

I hope you heal well.

So sorry you're feeling so rough OP, it sounds awful. Hopefully you'll be on the mend soon.

I know you're feeling vulnerable and low, but that isn't what's happened on this thread. The vast majority haven't said you should manage - they've said, people won't necessarily assume you need help unless you ask for it, because sometimes people DO manage. Posters are sharing things that helped them in your situation and advising you to reach out to your friends and family. Don't forget, your friends and family have their own stuff going on that might be taking all or most of their time and bandwidth so they probably haven't thought "Is Currentlylaidup struggling?" But if you ask for help, I bet most of them would be happy to step up.

Yes but I'm going to assume you didn't have a DH or DP living with you?

The OP does, and she has a child who's old enough to walk to school alone, who would also be able to help out a bit after school.

So she can't expect people to know she needs help unless they have a crystal ball.

This would be on your husband to take longer paternity leave to support the family.
I doubt any man with a broken leg would receive any help outside of the immediate family - people would just expect the wife to cope with everything.
I help lots of friends and family but stopped helping where it was visible that there I was covering for useless partners and useless husbands. Your husband needs to man up and look after you all. That is his job, it really is.

You have my sympathy OP, as I’ve had a leg break before and also at another time an operation on my foot that was debilitating. It’s painful and frustrating having your mobility curtailed, as well as being totally reliant on other people.

Some good suggestions on this thread. Amazon also has a whole load of mobility aids that help no end (shower stool, waterproof shower bag, commode, insulted coffee cup etc).

I think your mother could be helping you much more. But I think you’re being unrealistic regarding your expectations of others. You’ve got 2 kids (one old enough to walk to school) and a DH who is just keeping on top of normal family life.

I think you need to be more specific about what help you need. If I was your friend I’d have offered to have your kids over for dinner/a sleepover and popped in bringing lunch a couple of times perhaps, but I’d assume your DH is able to manage generally.

Wishing you a speedy recovery!

The first thing that springs to mind is to ask for help. I hope you get more support.

People probably think you have your dh to help and don't know what to offer.

I think your last response was very unreasonable. Most people have been sympathetic, given you advice and said just ask. You seem to be like my sister who enjoys her martyr routine and wants everyone to guess what she needs or wants. You're an adult so talk to people instead of wallowing in how dreadfully thoughtless everyone else is.

I would also assume DH could manage the kids. Many women don't have dhs and manage the kids, so I would assume one man can manage this for a few months on his own.
As a friend I would know you would struggle during the day, but as I work full time I wouldn't be able to help anyway. It's your mum who should be helping then.

Just remember OP your mum
and family will one day need help- I hope you remember this then and treat them the same way. Also, if you contact your GP today and explain about your leg they can an emergency therapy team out to loan you some equipment so you can either have a commode or they will provide a bed downstairs so your are not struggling with stairs. They can also provide you temporarily with some mobility aids

Stop being stroppy and ask your friends and family for specific help.

None of them are mind readers and very few people when asked to help with a specific task will refuse. You’re likely find that they’re only to pleased to be if some help. Start by inviting a friend round for coffee and ask them to pick up something from the shops for you.

However, if you prefer to be a martyr, and just want to have a good moan, go ahead. That’s completely your choice.

Exactly - you reap what you sow in my book.

As an aside, I also don't think criticism of OP's husband is particularly fair. Yes, lots of women manage looking after their children and working on their own. Probably OP's husband will be able to manage just fine when he gets used to it - but for now, as well as looking after his injured wife, he's suddenly doing all or most of the parenting that previously they shared. Even the most capable of us may struggle at first when our workload is suddenly doubled, especially if there are logistical problems around childcare/commuting/school runs to surmount as well. It doesn't mean he's a bad husband or father.