Broken leg - now know friends and family don’t care

[Currentlylaidup]

I broke my leg a couple of weeks ago. It’s been horrendous. I live in a townhouse so lots of stairs. Trying to get to the bathroom with a cast has been awful. Trying to do anything has been awful.

I have 2 dc and a DH. DH has had to take time off work because although 1 DC can walk to school the other was being driven by me everyday to a different school. I obviously can’t drive so DH has to do it.

My mother lives literally round the corner from me as do other relatives including my brothers. I had to beg my mother to drop my DC at school and pick them up 2 days last week. She is 65 retired and healthy. Even though she lives round the corner I haven’t seen her in days. When I got back from hospital she did drop in a sandwich for me once and that was it.

Ive had text messages from various relatives saying how sorry they are. No offers of support. Nothing. Lots of lovely messages from people who I thought were good friends but that’s it. No practical help.

I feel so alone. I can’t weight bear so can’t do anything practical and DH is run ragged working full time, looking after the DCs and trying to stay on top of the housework. How lovely I keep thinking if we had some support from our families.

I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but it’s times like these when I wish I was surrounded by a loving family who want to help. If it was my grown up daughter going through this I’d be there for her.

I feel for you OP and you have every right to be upset.
It's reasonable to expect your mum to step up and step in.
What is going on with her?
Please take care of yourself OP.
I appreciate that you don't like asking for help but maybe some of your friends are assuming you are getting help from family.

All the 'shopping' can be done online.

Cooking an evening meal after work isn't remarkable and I'm sure he can manage to push the hoover round, or keep on top of 20 mins housework.

If he can't, then it's a poor show and perhaps that's why the OP's mum isn't offering.

This is how I felt when I broke my foot and was in a cast. I've never felt so lonely or not cared about. I was living on my own. Other than my lovely mum who got two buses to help me get shopping. Nobody else offered any help. I had to ask my friend one night to get some little bits from the shop (it was winter and was actually snowing. Would struggle so much on my crutches.
Such a weird time. All I can think is that people don't know what's it like! Until it happens to them. Hope you recover quickly op. 💐

Contact GP they can do an urgent referral to occupational therapists, say you live alone & are struggling with activities daily care. Toileting, cooking etc

Poor you - this sounds shit and I def don't think you should "get on with it"

i do think you should have a direct conversation with your mother about what help you'd like (school runs 3 x per week and maybe pop in for a cup of tea after for the next 4 / 6 weeks and Transfer washing from washing machine to dryer for you while she's here) id frame it as low effort for high but high impact for you.

You need to decide whether is harder to ask or harder to let the resenent eat you up.

Your feelings BTW... totally normal and totally valid.

Have only skimmed the thread but I do think some of the practical advice on here is good... like the claw and snack / drink stations on each floor

I did indeed have my lovely husband, but he was out at work every day. And my older daughter who could get the bus to high school herself. My next door neighbour walked my daughter to and from school every day with her child and various women popped in with soup and crumbles for me during the day. All without me asking. I appreciate their kindness even more now I see how vanishingly rare it is judging by the responses on this thread. Surely the OP's mother at least could be expected to extend a helping hand without requiring detailed instructions?

I don't know how people can be back at work. I couldn't even get there let alone work and elevate it

The consensus is not " just get on with it" OP.

The consensus is "ask for help, but in the meantime here are some tips gleaned from bitter experience of others in your shitty situation which might make your days a bit less grim"

Very sorry that you have had such a rotten accident, but there is a little bit of help out there and people are trying to signpost you to it.

Aww op it’s horrible isn’t it

inslipped a disc in my back a couple of weeks ago (I know it’s not a broken limb or anything but I’ve been slow to recover)

I truly had no one to help, no dh (dead), parents are dead, no other extended family to help and my late teens were absolutely useless, refused to help, moaned, cross that I was unable to give them lifts etc, friends were busy. I was truly shocked at everyones indifference

the house went to ruin for a couple of weeks, I’ve just started to do bits now but it hurts a lot, I did have to get on with it but I felt so awful and alone.

it must be awful for you especially with such a nasty break, hope you recover quickly

Actually I can't even get out of my own house without help as have to go down on my arse and up on my knees. You need rest and decent nutrition to recover properly not be stressing out at managing work.

So, lie?

I really feel for you. People are so selfish and it’s at times like this that you really find out who does care.
It’s heartbreaking that your Mum doesn’t make the effort to I know that my Mum would have planted herself at mine whilst I needed her and I’d do the same for my kids.
I find on MN people think v differently to me about a lot of stuff and it makes me feel really sad that there are people like that about tbh.
so hard hearted.
I wish you well in your recovery 💐

Oh OP, I think what you want is signs that your mum loves you. Which is horribly upsetting not to get. I’m not sure it’s really about other people helping, because otherwise you’d just ask them for what you needed.

For now, how about you send out a ‘help’ message to anyone (school mums, old friends) you can think of. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the response.

For later, I suspect you need a space to work through your relationship with your mum. But best not done with a freshly broken leg while you’re feeling awful.

People don't realise, or they may be assuming your mother is helping. Ask them.

It’s really hard OP. Do ask directly for what you need.

I always think that many mumsnetters ARE in shit situations themselves and experience loneliness and lack of help from their loved ones for one reason or another,They then turn on others as they feel they have it harder than anyone else and so are unable to show compassion or empathy for someone else.

you may think oh just suck it up and get on with it, my life’s harder than yours but it’s all relative isn’t it. It isn’t hard to show compassion to someone no matter what you think

I was wondering why you couldn't do those things with a broken arm, and then realised you also had a broken leg! That sounds a total nightmare. Your partner sounds great though.

My parents would definitely help out if needed. Your friends presumably have work and children of their own and will assume your husband can do more than they can.

I had what was called piriformis syndrome on crutches for 12 weeks never felt pain like it had 2 months pain free then the other side went, eventually a pelvic MRI I had a bi lat pelvic fracture. I had got a puppy to help with my rehab I had to carry her down the stairs on my lap she was so good. Very little help paid for cleaner got sent this 17yr old to help change the bed she put the sheets inside out. Only had her twice it was painful to watch. My mom did bit of shopping initially then I would take my uncle in the car he would get my shopping then get his I would take him home other than that no real help.
my mom has somthing similar recently I went to hers everyday for a month to cook her tea get her shopping I did tell her she certainly didn’t help me when I needed help. Hope that shows you not the only one that has gone through it. Speedy recovery.

How can occupational therapists come and do an assessment of the OP's needs and the aids she might require for her home, if the OP lies about having a husband?

OP, if you are spending most of the day on a floor of your house which does not have a toilet I would suggest ordering a commode. You can buy one online for next day delivery for less than £50. Yes, someone will need to empty it and keep it clean, but that's better than dragging yourself upstairs every time you need a pee.

Someone has suggested a temporary downstairs bed but most folding beds are likely to be far too low for someone with limited mobility.

If you read the thread properly you would see that the husband works full time so is pretty much on her own all day as her Mother only lives around the corner but has done barely anything!

Could you ask someone just to visit for company for a start?

What really needs doing that isn't getting done?

OP- I feel for you. I recently had a knee replacement. Recovery is a a slow painful process. Without DH it would have been dreadful. OK, he doesn’t do things like I do, I have to bite my tongue sometimes , but he’s been doing washing, cooking and housework. He’s getting on a bit and he’s knackered. It’s worse for you, with children. Wouldn’t have hurt your friends to offer to help out. I feel your mother could do a lot more to help too. You shouldn’t have to ask, but I think you must. Perhaps she assumes you are managing. Could you afford a cleaner for a month to get on top of the housework? I’d certainly have shopping delivered and stick to simple meals. You need a bit of TLC and a lot of rest.

Sadly, people will interpret your needs based on their own experiences, unless you tell them otherwise.

They may assume that because their DH/DP coped caring for them for a short time, then yours will too. They won’t necessarily worry about your housework being done or reduced, unless you tell them it bothers you. They perhaps don’t realise how low you are feeling. Not everyone has the living arrangements or response that you have had.

Be kinder to yourself and everyone around you. You are going through a trauma and it is a difficult time for you and you must recognise this too. Allow your housework to not reach your usual standards. Call on others to help with school pick up/drop off if your husband can’t do it. Other than this, I’m not sure what further practical help you want. I would imagine your husband is leaving you with food/drinks for during the day. If he is not, then the conversation really needs to be with him. He will be finding it hard too.

We hope our parents will step in with emotional support, but if this has not been your relationship up ‘til now, I’m not sure why you are expecting it to change. This is perhaps something that you are not happy about anyway, so this has been highlighted more by your current situation. I would try and use this as an opportunity to address how you feel and consider whether there are any changes that can be made to give you what you want or allow you to feel happier about it. From experience, I can tell you that nothing will change unless you lead it, or you chose to accept that this is how the relationship is.

Sort of similar but not, I was bereaved earlier this year. It was awful. I found that if I asked people directly to help me they did. Every single time. But otherwise, kind words, but nothing practical. I found it odd because I'm very practical and would respond practically. But maybe it's some sort of bias in that people assume other people are helping. And if everyone assumes that no one will offer. Is it bystander syndrome in psychology? No one dies anything because they assume someone has done what's needed already?