Women in your 50s, what would you prioritise in your 40s?

[Suddenly40yo]

Women in your 50s+, would appreciate your wisdom. I’ve recently turned 40 and have been thinking about priorities for the next 10 years. I have lots of ambitions and plans (exercise more, get promotion, spend more time with children and husband, start my own business, etc.), but my time/energy is limited. What did you realise in your 50s-60s as being important to focus your energy on in your 40s? Did you miss that promotion that didn’t happen, extra money not earned from corporate job, time not spent with kids, not exercising enough?

for background - I work full time in finance (middle management), very toxic place with a lot of stress of a client facing role, not quite the field or environment I thrive in, but it does pay ok-ish money. I have 4 kids: toddler to teenager, no family around apart from husband who also works a lot.

my dream has always been to run my own company, but I’ve never had time or money to get going, still have a mortgage to pay. I still have aspirations to do it, but it also requires time and effort.

another option is to try and find a different job, though it comes with a risk of a new place being not much better than current one and new issues on top.

what would you really prioritise in this kind of set up? Would you try to put corporate role on back seat or actually put all effort in chasing a promotion? Would you leave corporate and try starting own business? What else?

Health and fitness because it only gets harder to start later on.
Find a sport you like (if you don't already) and do it regularly, or several sports.
Strength training.
And a good diet.

Those are the most important things. I'm approaching 50 this year and all of these things are harder. I need to make more effort to get the same results and I gain weight much more easily and it's harder to shift.

Generally: weight-training, yoga, a form of exercise that you like. Late 40s and have never been fitter or more annoying evangelical about exercise (also mounjaro to bootstrap weight loss has been great for me). Impact exercise is so important to support bone density as you get older.

Learning who you are, what you like, how you can support yourself today and setting up the conditions to support yourself 10-20 years time. Part financial (pensions, investments, paying down debt / mortgage), part physical health (as above), part learning how to rest and prioritise. Therapy if you want can be amazing. Be good to yourself.

Build a network of care, both with partner (if you have one), but also with friends.

Also specifically to those who are single / separated / without a long-term partner and/or kids: there are so many ways to live a satisfying life. I think in your 30s, it feels like everyone is getting married and having kids and if you're not in that structure it can feel like you've failed (or, if you have but end up divorcing etc). But in your 40s, a lot of that can fall away - give yourself the grace to think about what makes life now, and life in 10/20/30 years time worthwhile and meaningful for you.

In your position I’d look for less toxic / more fulfilling work. In fact I did in my early 40s, and I work for a charity (finance too). Charities can be toxic too (probably more than corporate) but where I work isn’t.

Pension as much as you can as soon as you can. Once I was no longer paying childcare I diverted part of that to my pension, and part to paying off the mortgage more quickly. The amount even my measly pension from my job 15 years ago has grown is astonishing.

And probably not relevant to you OP as you say you don’t have family near by - but for other people - make sure your parents build good local support networks. When parent(s) need support it’s tough - all that freedom from responsibility and lack of work vs home stress you look forwards to after the DC get older disappears in the blink of an eye/ parent’s illness.

Friendships

It's easy when busy to let friendships drift, especially as people make different life paths but having that connection is really important, don't just blindly keep people in your life if they are completely draining or harmful but if there is some balance then it's good to have people in your life with different views and attitudes.

You may find in later life you want to co-house with friends to save money and get that companionship.

Attitude/Mindset

An odd one but look to and if possible spend time with older people with a zest for life, it's easy to get caught up in seeing how people slow down, decline and dwindle but not everyone goes that way. There are lots of people still having very full and active lives either in paid work or in other areas well into their 80s and 90s.

Obviously we can never completely shield ourselves from ill health and the odds of that do worsen with age but attitude can make a statistical difference to life outcomes. At least one study showing that people with a positive attitude to what getting older means live up to 7.5 years longer (https://news.yale.edu/2002/07/29/thinking-positively-about-aging-extends-life-more-exercise-and-not-smoking)

(If you are curious about how much mindset can matter look at the amazing body of work by Ellen Langer. )

So, this thread has had me in floods today. Turned forty recently and it all feels insurmountable.

Fat, terrible relationship, husband also fat, children not independent, and no money.

Weight loss and muscle building

Oh, @SENsupportplease that has really touched me. I’m sorry you aren’t in a good place. Things can change though. Have you got support outside of your relationship, from other women?

I should have included that in my original post - surround yourself with fabulous women. If there isn’t a group or circle in your area, start one (more possible in your 50’s with fewer responsibilities).

Time with your kids, always. Fitness. As your 40s develop, independence. I love how I enjoy doing my own thing in my 50s as I developed my interests as my kids grew. But while they were small, I immersed myself in them and now they’re big and we are close. You get time on yourself once they are older so don’t stress about it now.

Do everything you can to get your DPs and ILs to prepare for old age - downsizing, moving near you, getting POA in place for both health and finances. Have conversations with them when they are still fully able about what they want to happen in extreme old age and how much you are prepared to support this or not.

Other than that, try not to have DPs or ILs with dementia in your 50s.

Sorry am on a rather depressing loop, but it arrived almost out of nowhere for me and completely ruined my life for a while.

Additionally pension, pay off mortgage, do fun things with DCs as that’s what you and they will remember. Exercise and reasonable diet help.

I am sorry it feels insurmountable, it sounds like you are still in the weeds of the hardest part of things, especially if as your username suggests you have children with additional needs.

Life is hard when you have all that to handle, it is understandably overwhelming. Don't throw in the towel and think it is hopeless though, little steps and little hopes can compound over time.

I know it is far easier said than done but try not to view the things on this thread as a list of 'must haves' but instead see if there is one thing on which you can move the needle, even a little bit. Don't try to do everything and absolutely don't tackle lots of things at once.

What is your one next best thing that might improve your life in a year or two that you can approach with baby steps? You are not to blame for the position you are in but that shouldn't stop you feeling proud if you can start something to improve it.

If I could go back in time I would try to improve my career and earnings...be bold about applying for jobs to the next level up. I would use the extra money to buy a better home and save more into pension. Overall the idea is to be secure and prepared for the later decades. But then someone who did prioritise career and money might say they wish they had spent more time with family. We are all different and it's natural to dwell on the paths not taken.

I’m 48, so not quite 50, but here’s what I’ve been doing for an over decade.

Fitness and health is number 1. Strength train 3x a week and stay active around that. When? Lunch time at work and 7am on weekends. Run when wfh or at 5am before DC wake up. Eat high protein and clean. This makes a massive difference.

Time with DC, eating dinner together most night, reading, playing their sports with them.

Money: avoid lifestyle creep. I’m still living off the same salary I had 2 jobs ago. All surplus goes to pension, investing. That includes bonuses.

Family lives in another continent, call my parents 2-3 x a week.

Start HRT before you think you need it.

Work is not my identity, but enables my lifestyle. Have strong boundaries to avoid too much stress, burnout.

Work at being happy every day. Keep stress low. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

Definitely health and pension/finances. Hopefully you don’t smoke, if so stop now before any serious damage is done. Watch your weight as post menopause it’s difficult to shift weight. However in doing so make sure you’re eating enough calcium etc to prevent osteoporosis. Make sure you look after your teeth as well especially as NHS dentists are more or less non existent and expensive!

Ensure you’ve got a pension plan. I’m semi retired from the NHS (2days per week) but I’m glad I paid into my work pension.

if you own your house ensure your mortgage is cleared before you retire.

Actually that's another point I forgot to mention.

DH was seriously ill for about six months, he just couldn't focus on anything. I was suddenly faced with trying to work out the car tyre pressure in the dark, knowing that we had to get him to an early morning appointment at a specialist hospital. We both handle different aspects of joint finances/insurance etc, so we now try and keep on top of letting eachother know what we're doing. Knowing where certain things are in the house or are storaged on eachother's phones/laptops etc.

Investments, pensions, family, health. Not necessarily in that order! As someone who had my own business in my 40s, no way would I do it knowing what I do now. It took all our time and energy and we earned less than if we had carried on in our former jobs.

Pension
Savings
Keeping weight low

In my mid 40s, I went back to ft work and progressed in my career. At 53, I have ended up far more senior that I ever wanted to be, so be careful what you wish for.

I’d got back into fitness after children, so I just kept that going.

Lots of travel with kids. We thought they’d not want to travel with us as they got older. But, in their 20s, they’re still expecting to be invited. But lots of city breaks in Europe for just us 2.

I turned 50 last year. Unfortunately much of my forties were an absolute shitshow so even if I'd had the foresight know what my priorities were I don't know how successful I'd have been at pursuing them! What I would have done, with hindsight...

Financial security - no debt, savings, pension, payoff as much mortgage as possible

Weight and fitness - I have an absolute mountain to climb to get where I want to get with this now and the odds are not in my favour. The changes to your body from 40 onwards come thick and fast so you really need to look after yourself properly.

Work - I think it's great you want to start your own business. My experience has been that at 50 I am already well and truly ready to not work full time, but unfortunately p/t isn't an option. I think if you can get into a place where you have great work/life balance and options to modify how that works for you as you get older, it will make such a difference to your quality of life.

Nurture relationships - both with your partner and wider family and friends, you'll need them when your kids become independent and fly the nest.

You will discover that over the next ten years will start to give less of a shit about what other people think. This is a good thing - take care to really listen to your wants and needs and prioritise them as you need to - don't let other people try and talk you out of doing things that you know are right for you.

Pay into a pension. Max your contributions as high as you can (under salary sacrific you can put in up to £60K / year.) The pension from the company I was working for when I turned 40 has trebled in value in the last 10 years since I stopped paying into it, netting me over £300K. Glad I have it.

Otherwise - obviously don’t put on weight. It gets really hard to keep it off in your 50s compared to your 40s so get into sensible habits (few snacks, small plates) now. Weight is a huge risk for cancer and other health problems.

I worked hard in my 40s. I look back and wish I’d been able to spend more time with my children when they were little. However I’m really glad I enjoyed the professional
success that I did (joined a company to set up a department and sat on the exec committee) because it was a great experience and now I’ve stepped back down again I enjoy having a bit more bandwidth and time with my kids as teenagers.

Make sensible health and financial decisions in your 40s as they will serve you well in your 50s and beyond.

I’m in my early fifties. I wish I’d got fit, lost weight, focused more on financial stability and looked after my neck in my forties! Playing catch up now, but better than leaving it another 10 years.

Another one for fitness and pension. I have an ok pension but wished I paid in more. I work out alot using weights and it has made a difference in my fifties.

Also I would add - invest in your marriage.

Absolutely every couple struggles when the children are small because it is such hard work.

Date night every couple of weeks or minimum once a month makes a huge difference. Keep having sex. Don’t take each other for granted or have silly rows over trivial things but nip behaviour that bothers you in the bud, with counselling if necessary. Communicate well. Remember the other person is doing their best as well and not a mind reader.

You don’t want to destroy a family and impoverish yourself by starting again, and whatever everyone says about kids being adaptable, the stats show that outcomes for children of single parent families are worse across the board. They need “a mum and dad who love each other and live in the same house” (to quote Adrian Mole!)

Do not let work overtake your life. When you do leave you realise how much you gave to it. And how little it gave to you.
Spend time being contented. Or seeking contentment.

I'm late 40s. I suppose what I've actually done is prioritised contentment.

I've been going to the gym for 20 years, so that didn't change. Diet's always been veggie.Although I took up running in covid pt1 and that's been a game changer.

I don't let myself say 'no' to anything that could be fun. I make myself have new experiences, even if it's easier not to.

Like a pp, I've been training my kids for independence since they were small, so that's paying off now.

I'd like to putextra money in my pension.... but I also like chipping extra bits off my mortgage and going on holiday.

I'd like to cut down on alcohol, but i like it too much.

Health, exercise, diet and skincare