Was what he did so terrible?

[Babbyy]

A friend is a member of a sports club.

He came across the profile of one of the women from the club on a dating site. Woman is married to a committee member from the club.

Friend was worried. Either she had been cloned or was behaving erratically. So, friend mentioned it to the safeguarding officer at the club. This is a woman who is best friends with dating profile woman, so he expected she'd be sympathetic to profile woman, have a quiet word and between them they'd do what needed doing (if anything) .

It turned out the profile was genuine and that the marriage had ended, although that was not public knowledge. No one was discreet about friend's "interfering" and he is now being vilified as a busy body, when all he was trying to do was make sure this woman wasn't vulnerable.

Possibly I'd have spoken to profile woman directly, but I understand why he felt it more comfortable to speak with her friend who happened to be responsible for safeguarding.

Just in case anyone thinks safeguarding is only about children, it's not. There are no child members at this club, but in line with its governing body, it still requires a safeguarding officer.

Are their learning differences with your friend OP, and with the woman he was concerned about?

Sorry friend not DH. You said he went to the person who he thought best to support her. Why does a women need supporting for being on a dating website? Sounds very misogynistic to me

His intentions were good, he genuinely thought she might be cloned or vulnerable. But going through the safeguarding officer made it look like a formal report rather than a quiet check‑in. A simple message to the woman herself would have avoided the embarrassment and the fallout. He wasn’t terrible, just socially clumsy, and the reaction is about the impact rather than his intent.

He should have just talked to the woman.

Genuinely concerned!
Act with discretion!
Genuinely shocked!

What a load of absolute nonsense.

He is a massive gossip spreading busybody, he should have just asked the woman in question if he had concerns or even better, keep his beak out of her private business.

I don't think your friend has done anything wrong really, apart from being nosey and having an erroneous view of what Safeguarding actually is. The person at fault here is the Safeguarding lead who should have kept your friend's name out of the conversation.

If the woman has some kind of learning disability or something that makes her a vulnerable adult, he probably did the right thing having a quiet word with the safeguarding person if he has concerns about her mental capacity. If she’s just a woman who he thought was married, he’s just being a nosy busybody.

He should have spoken directly to the woman, not to another person at the club, if he thought her identity might have been used. It was much more likely that it was her and he could cause her embarrassment.

It's you isn't it 🥲

No. Maybe I'm telling it all wrong, but it couldn't be further from that.

How come everyone now knows? How do you know?

In summary:

• Your friend is shy.
• Rightly or wrongly your friend had concerns for a woman’s safety.
• Your friend followed an appropriate procedure to notify an appropriate person who could investigate and find out if he was right or wrong to have concerns, a safeguarding lead
• The safeguarding lead luckily was quickly able to ascertain there was no cause for concern BUT disclosed who had raised the concern. This has now led to inappropriate behaviour towards your friend.

The safeguarding lead has behaved inappropriately disclosing who raised the concern. Notwithstanding the behaviour of the woman bitching about someone, this situation has been caused by the safeguarding lead and them ignoring professional boundaries.

Because he was shocked to see what he thought was a happily married woman on there and wondering if something untoward was going on, be that hacking or MH problems. TBH I think infidelity never occured to him.

Without speaking to anyone else, who may have been able to advise him of a better way, he took it to the person he'd been told to take concerns about welfare to.

This thread is a prime example of why men continuously do not get involved in anything to do with women and just walk on by .

Loads of posts on here asking why it was the women on the train who had to intervene when a woman is being harassed or speaking up in a public situation when a woman is being abused.

This is because you just can’t win . The sexiest bile on here is off the chain. Of course he couldn’t have spoken to the woman concerned as probably worse would have happened to him and he’d be even more vulnerable to accusations.

Who would now possibly trust the safe guarding lead now with any disclosure. She needs to resign and if your face is on a public dating forum then sorry is a case of FAFO.

She's not though - OP says she's married to another club member, hence the concern.

As it happens, I know because profile woman moaned to me about his "complaint".

It was only after that I talked to him and heard his version of events.

Because the woman on the dating site told everyone. Because the safeguarding lead told her who raised the concern.
Don’t get me wrong, OP’s friend totally over reacted but the safeguarding lead should not have told her friend who “reported” the profile. And the woman on the dating site should probably have kept quiet if she didn’t want anyone to know about her personal life.

To be fair, I saw that and was tempted to say "none of your business unless you know this person well enough to tell her yourself directly and be supportive" but I decided to stay off it because I'm ill and today I can't be bothered with a stream of "so you must be having an affair yourself" bullcrap.

Late 30s, which I expect you think proves your point.

OP "was what he did terrible?"

Everyone "yes he was a nosy busybody who should have kept out of it"

OP " no I don't agree, he was just being kind"

Oh OP, I agree it's faux concern. He should have kept his mouth shut.