Was what he did so terrible?

[Babbyy]

A friend is a member of a sports club.

He came across the profile of one of the women from the club on a dating site. Woman is married to a committee member from the club.

Friend was worried. Either she had been cloned or was behaving erratically. So, friend mentioned it to the safeguarding officer at the club. This is a woman who is best friends with dating profile woman, so he expected she'd be sympathetic to profile woman, have a quiet word and between them they'd do what needed doing (if anything) .

It turned out the profile was genuine and that the marriage had ended, although that was not public knowledge. No one was discreet about friend's "interfering" and he is now being vilified as a busy body, when all he was trying to do was make sure this woman wasn't vulnerable.

Possibly I'd have spoken to profile woman directly, but I understand why he felt it more comfortable to speak with her friend who happened to be responsible for safeguarding.

Just in case anyone thinks safeguarding is only about children, it's not. There are no child members at this club, but in line with its governing body, it still requires a safeguarding officer.

The worst kind of busybody is the kind that thinks they’re doing good.

A gossip knows what they are; a busybody dresses up in a crown of self-righteousness.

Yeah this. What's erratic about being on a dating site. And plus why can't someone behave 'erratically' (highly subjective obviously) in their own time if they feel like it?! It's not harming anyone.

Who are the others who spread the details around and how did they get the information?

Yes, plus the woman who's husband is on the dating app is presumably still married to him and this woman is single!

Not really - it’s all gossip and interfering with other peoples business, but the married woman is allowed to be on dating sites, mind your own business! The man must be reported immediately…
personally I’d keep out of both cases - there’s a reason “shoot the messenger” is a well known phrase!

And if you were her husband?

Fancy taking it to a safeguarding person at a mutual club. Baffling behaviour.

So if you’ve made up your mind and are so convinced he was just misguided, and knock down anyone else that has a different view, why are you posting?

Exactly.
On the other thread, the lady has been speaking to OP about her marriage and is totally unaware that her husband is on a dating app. Going away with him for child-free weekends etc while unaware that he's cheating / potentially cheating. Totally different situation and of course the wife deserves to know.

Unless you know someone extremely well, and by that I mean they are your sister or best friend, you mind your own business about things like this. People separate without making formal announcements, people open their marriages, you’d better be very bloody sure that a) you really know the status of that person’s relationship and b) know they’d want to be told about whatever dirt it is you think you have. Otherwise you stay out of it.

I said I would have spoken to her directly, so I don't think he got it right, but I don't think he was being a gossip. He was concerned that either she'd been cloned/hacked or that she was having some sort of breakdown.

Maybe he overthought things and there was no need to do anything, but he spoke to the person at the club he felt best placed to support the woman.

I posted because I thought discussing things and hearing others' views was what MN is for. I'm interested to see most people wouldn't accept his explanation because I see nothing in him that suggests he was being nasty, only that he's socially inept.

How have the club members come to find out about this?

If he was discreet and spoke to the professional safeguarding lead, then this should have been a confidential, professional conversation. What's the point of the role if people can't go to them with their concerns?!

The safeguarding lead didn't need to reveal his identify to quietly investigate if his concerns were valid. Sounds like they've been part of the gossip to their best friend - which is a conflict of interest in of itself.

Safeguarding?! Shit-stirring more like.

How on earth did so many people find out? Did the safeguarding person blab? If so, they really should not hold that position.

I would be furious if I were her. What a meddling twat.

I think the safeguarging person spoke to profile woman, who told others.

He knew what he was doing.

You seem to be very sure that he has never shit-stirred in his life before - why do you say this? How can you be so sure? Do you believe everything this person tells you even when their actions don't match their words?

This person is a shit-stirring twat. Even if you can't see through his pretence that it was for safeguarding reasons, other people can see clearly what his true intentions were.

I think it sounds like a sensible decision, especially given that he was concerned her details might have been stolen. If you choose not to announce your separation it's going to cause confusion.

I've known him for a really long time. I've never seen anything like this before.

I think you must have skin in the game here, as you can’t see how this is very wrong, yes speak to her, or her husband or ignore it. Not tell her mate, of course others reactions are as they are as it was none of his business.

who is he to you as you’re defending this , which makes it seem like you just wanted people to agree with his and your view.

Behaving erratically 😂😂

If you choose not to announce your separation it's going to cause confusion.

Only for people who think other people's private lives are their business.