Was what he did so terrible?

[Babbyy]

A friend is a member of a sports club.

He came across the profile of one of the women from the club on a dating site. Woman is married to a committee member from the club.

Friend was worried. Either she had been cloned or was behaving erratically. So, friend mentioned it to the safeguarding officer at the club. This is a woman who is best friends with dating profile woman, so he expected she'd be sympathetic to profile woman, have a quiet word and between them they'd do what needed doing (if anything) .

It turned out the profile was genuine and that the marriage had ended, although that was not public knowledge. No one was discreet about friend's "interfering" and he is now being vilified as a busy body, when all he was trying to do was make sure this woman wasn't vulnerable.

Possibly I'd have spoken to profile woman directly, but I understand why he felt it more comfortable to speak with her friend who happened to be responsible for safeguarding.

Just in case anyone thinks safeguarding is only about children, it's not. There are no child members at this club, but in line with its governing body, it still requires a safeguarding officer.

He didn't need to "do" anything about it at all. It was and remains none of his (or anyone else's) business.

Maybe he meant well (I'm sure he did), but he has seriously overstepped here. He should have kept quiet and not discussed it with anyone at all. To do so would always risk coming across as a massive busybody. He took that risk and that is indeed what has happened.

You suggest he should have discussed it with others to find out the true situation. No! That would be interference and gossip.

You never really know what is going on in someone's life. Her marriage ending should be private information for as long as she wants it to remain so. She is entitled to use dating websites if SHE wants to. It's her business, and hers alone.

What has being a member of the sports club got to do with the woman's dating life? Why did your friend tell the safeguarding lead of the club? It makes no sense. The woman has a life beyond this club. Has he also informed her workplace, gym etc., since he is so worried about her being cloned? What does behaving erratically mean? Your friend has gone about this totally wrong and immaturely.

Yes, what he did was interfering and nosy. Unacceptable behaviour in my eyes.

You suggest he should have discussed it with others to find out the true situation. No! That would be interference and gossip.

No I didn't suggest anything of the kind. I said that's what he would have done if he was a gossip, but he didn't.

Again, he was worried that she'd been hacked or something and took it to someone he thought was in a role to help.

He saw a woman on a dating site and decided he needed to involve himself, find out what was going on and get safeguarding lead involved?
Because an adult was on a dating site and he didnt know she was single ?

Is the woman vulnerable? Is that why he felt the need to interfere? The group is adults who lack capacity or have disabilities that mean they require safeguarding?

Everyone seems to be having a go at the wrong person here. It wasn't the OP's friend at fault.

The safeguarding officer was told something in confidence, by a club member out of genuine concern, and now everybody knows who it was.

I'm appalled, to be honest. That's a huge breach of confidentiality by the safeguarding officer. She should never have told anyone the name of the person who talked to her about it. How is anybody going to feel safe about discussing their concerns about potential safeguarding matters now? She can't be trusted to keep things confidential.

@Babbyy It was the safeguarding officer's actions that were terrible, not those of your friend.

Yes, I've said that, he realises that now, but he got it wrong with good intentions.

He didn't tell the husband though?

If she was dating other people while married, that would no more be a safeguarding risk than a single woman dating. Surprising, sure. Morally acceptable to most people - probably not. But absolutely not unsafe and absolutely not any of this fucking business.

She's a grown adult woman. Having affairs isn't 'behaving erratically'. It's her choice to make.

Your friend sounds like a complete twat.

It wasn’t a safeguarding issue. If he was genuinely concerned it was a fake profile then he should have spoken to her directly. Instead he disclosed to her friend that she was on a dating site when it was none of his business and none of the friend‘s business either. Sounds to me like he was just trying to stir things up.

Having an affair isn’t behaving erratically, certainly not enough to involve safeguarding at a fucking club this woman belongs to. wtf was he thinking? As it turns out she’s not having an affair or similar but if she was it’s still not his business. Prick.

If he was genuinely concerned she was being impersonated then he'd have sent it to her. He didn't, he went gossiping to other people. And it's backfired.

He thought she was having a breakdown because she was on a dating site? Come off it.

Do nothing. I keep out of others relationships and that is is why I don’t have to
’worry’ about them.

And if she was having an affair or attempting to, that has naff all to do with the safeguarding lead of a club she's a part of.

There is no safeguarding involved here
your friend is the worst kind of busy body because he’s pretending he’s not
complete twat sorry

Why is a woman having an affair deemed to be worried about having some kj d of breakdown that needs reporting to a safety officer?

Cloned, tell the person. Worried they are morally bankrupt for being on a dating website, your DH is in the wrong

But he didn’t have to “do” anything. It wasn’t his business and now her private life has been spread about and talked about thanks to him. I’d be angry as well.
This whole thing gives the impression of gossipy busy body and not concerned friend. He should be ashamed and learn to keep out of other people’s business.

Haha welcome to Mumsnet 😃

If he had genuine concerns, he’d have mentioned it to the woman. There could be no possible explanation for what he did other than he’s a shit-stirrer.

He didn't go gossiping to "other people". He took a concern (valid or not) to someone who had a duty to act with discretion.