Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

£600 plus £109 for the Bosch Engineer.
And there are no toiletries or cleaning products here ( all we expect is £1 Lidl products )

Enoughs enough

I really wouldn't want such people in my home.
Thatvis an awful cost to absorb when you have been so kind.
Definitely time to raise the bridge.

Yup x

I'd be happy to lend a neighbour a mower (already have) and give a family member some cash (already have), but allow them free rent and board of a property I own on a recurrent basis ? Nein danke

I think £20 or £30 in the fruit bowl is an insult that just proves people don't value what they can have for free.

Council tax alone would be £50 each week and double that if it is in an area where double Council tax is charged to second homes. If they haven't left over £100 they haven't begun to get near the running costs of even a mortgage free home and they would be better to just leave a thank you card and bottle - at least then it is clear that you have paid for their holiday.

We used to let friends and family use our static caravan at a beach location for free. We've had people leave the gas on, eat all the food in the place, break expensive things & not replace them. We let some friends stay and they took extended family with them without asking us. People used our bed linen and didn't wash it when they left.
We sold up and eventually bought another caravan on a different site. We don't let anyone stay now. It's not worth the hassle.

@Winter2020we don’t want or need anything more. It’s not an insult to us as we’ve never asked for anything. They often don’t even ask to use the house, more we offer when we know it’s free. Our family members couldn’t afford a break away if we were to charge them and we would be paying council tax irrespective of them going or not. We’re happy as it is and grateful family are able to enjoy it too when they otherwise would not be able to afford to go away.

Fair enough. If they think they are chipping in though it's probably one days running costs.

Yes of course OP can block periods out for herself... But conversely it means that she can't spontaneously rock up... She would always be having to check...

And entitled people rarely put effort to caring for others property... A pal was left a coastal cottage from an uncle... She was thrilled and shared it with family and friends... Until random friends of friends would call her and demand long weekends..

And then they'd leave all the lights /heating on
... Not properly clean it... Once she arrived to find a used condom under one bed and obvious period blood on another bed... When she'd arrived after midnight for a complete break from her stressful life... And then she had to clean up others bodily fluids 🤢

Again not the issue you make it out to be. Everyone I know has a cleaning company engaged and when you stay for free, you still have to pay for the cleaner to do a full clean. Of course you don’t want to be doing extra cleaning so a friend or family can use it.

No good deed.goes unpunished. They dont sound respectful and arent selling themselves to you. Do they offer their house to you when they arent using it? Any offers to help decorate, do the garden.etc? Or just want to rock up for the fun bit

Sharing your home with other people especially such entitled ones will bring nothing but resentment from you. Wear and tear will increase and you will have to consider what you leave there as people will need wardrobe space, cupboard space, then they start expecting they always go that weekend etc. Who pays the electricity, the water, what happens if they break something, what if the dishwasher breaks when they are there, or they can't work the tv are they phoning you. Your house your choice, if you felt differently brilliant for them but you don't and it's proving you right as if they don't have respect for your choices then they won't have respect for your house when you are not there. You have a nice second home, enjoy it and don't feel guilty.

one practical suggestion I have although you shouldn't have to do this is friends of ours advise everyone of the rent of their second property. I think it's €500 a week, they advise that if they aren't using it then it's available for that price which covers cleaning, wear and tear, electricity etc. They said everyone used to ask and now not one person has requested. They don't know that no one else is also renting it but it saved the consistent requests. We are building a casita at the moment for our friends to come and stay with us with some privacy but we will be very quiet with who we share the news of its completion as we live in Spain and honestly the randomness of people who request to visit us is incredible until they find out our pool isn't ready and we have a steep hill to the beach. Then seemingly they don't seem as keen to visit us.

I don't understand people who say they would be annoyed if their relative was in OP's position and wouldn't let them use the house for free. Do you normally regard each others' possessions as yours to share? If they bought a second car, for instance, would you automatically assume you could use it regularly?

If a relative of mine bought a holiday home, it wouldn't occur to me for a moment that I had some sort of right to holidays there, let alone free ones. Sure, I'd be very grateful if they offered it, but I wouldn't expect it, and I would feel very obligated to get them, at the very least, something like a crate of wine in return and offer to tidy up the garden while I was there or something similar. The thought of nagging them about it and claiming they were selfish for not offering me freebies would make me cringe.

Sorry to come back to this months later - have you read and understood what I said?

I have a large family of non-piss takers, and tough shit if they want to take advantage of something. So yes, I would trust 8 sets of people to sort things out when I said they could.

It's not my problem if you simply cannot imagine that.

Plus I was responding to someone else and had previously said while I wouldn't have a problem with it, OP is entitled to do what she wants with her own property.

Months later? It's only a week since the thread was last posted on.