Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

Mean.

This property is getting more imaginary with every posting!

You'd feel the need to lock your wardrobes so that your parents/siblings couldn't see inside them? That's so far beyond ridiculous that I haven't read any further - this can't possibly be real

Yes, regardless of what various people would or wouldn’t do with their hypothetical second home, it is totally up to you what you do with it. I can’t believe family are being so petty. Also what has struck me after reflecting on this thread, if you had chosen to be doing back to back letting, you would have an agent and cleaning agency. It is pretty tricky coping with intermittent family visitors. Who checks they’ve actually cleaned properly? Who checks that the tap hasn’t been left running? It’s a tad dodgy unless you totally and utterly trust your family and know they would go above and beyond for you.

That's fine. Not everyone's parents are like yours, though. And also, it's not just the OP's parents. It's loads of other extended family, all of whom seem to think an automatic right to a free holiday on the OP.

So what about your sibling and partner, but also the couple they bring with them... 2 couples on a lovely holiday together, you can guarantee their friends wouldn't open a wardrobe or a drawer, or use anything in the kitchen and not replace it?

You could always book out a week for them but state that they would have to pay for the week and a decent price…it sounds like they just want a cheap holiday!

Quite so. I know a few people who have second homes. Those are shared with family and gasp @Dogsintheforest even friends. But maybe I'm just living in an echo chamber where people are generous and kind, especially with their family.

If it had been on the market for a long time then obviously local people can’t afford it…

'they reassess your character'
😂I'd be reassessing theirs, if they made sarcastic remarks about my 'character' while I was offering them cake. Cake, dammit!

Yes, quite. I mean, who cares what people like this think of one's 'character' anyway.

So what? People still want privacy from their parents and siblings and don't necessarily want them going through their stuff and sleeping in their bed. I love my mother dearly but there are certainly a couple of things in my bedside drawer that I wouldn't her stumbling across!

If you have that sort of relationship with your family, and they're all lovely and you don't need to keep anything private from them, that's great. But that doesn't mean anyone else has to feel like that and there's nothing wrong with people who don't have those sorts of family relationships. Not everyone's family is close. Not everyone's family is nice. Not everyone's family can be trusted not to take advantage.

Also, the OP's second home isn't really 'empty' in the sense that you're thinking of.The OP says they like to be able to go there spontaneously. It's their home, not a holiday cottage, and they aren't necessarily planning their stay in advance. If I had a second home I'd want to be able to say to my DP at lunchtime on a Friday 'Hey, weather forecast looks amazing - shall we drive down to the other house after work and spend next week there?' and then just pack up and go. If I couldn't do that because six months ago I'd promised to a random cousin, that would defeat the purpose of me having the second home in the first place.

Some people buy second homes precisely because they want to have friends and family staying there. Other people buy a second home for themselves to be able to live in whenever they want. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the OP wanting HER house to be used for the purpose SHE bought it for.

We've had a holiday home since the mid 80's and like it to be free when we want to use it, or when our adult children and families want to go there. I keep a diary of who is going there and when, and DH and I tend to fit in around them.
On the few occasions when we've lent it to others we've often had problems: dogs shitting in the garden, food from our store cupboard and freezer used and not replaced, bedding, towels and kitchen kit not washed, the childrens' beach kit lost or broken. And in general the whole place left filthy - on one occasion a pet owner left us with fleas.
We're not particularly houseproud but do leave things reasonably clean and ready for the next people who visit, with some basic food essentials in the kitchen and bedding/towels washed.
I'm sure people will tell me that not all visitors are like this and that they and most people treat others' property with respect, but sadly most seem to assume that their holiday is costing you nothing and that they can treat it like a hotel. Somebody else will sort things out after they've left.

We're not talking about a random cousin though are we? I think if OP has posted that people would have been less shocked.

You are really stretching here and overlooking the point. There's nothing about this situation that's remotely "shocking."

We have a second home and don’t let anyone use it apart from our children. We heard too many people’s bad experiences of family not tidying up, damaging the property and taking it for granted to even consider giving anyone access to it.

One friend who has a second home let her mum use it. Her mum called her late one night after arriving at the second home, to complain there wasn’t even any teabags. My friends mum complained said that will be because you were the last one to visit it only a few weeks before this visit and you must have used them all up! The cheek of her mum thinking she should have stocked up on basics for her visit.

Another friend let her brother and kids use their second home. His child broke a kitchen door off its hinges and her brother refused to take any responsibility.

People are cheeky fuckers OP. Enjoy your home OP and fuck the entitled family,

This was exactly what we did. It had been on the market for several years, was in a terrible state of repair and the agent who showed us round said: "you won't like this, I've shown it to dozens of people and nobody was interested".

We bought it for 25% less than the asking price and it probably wouldn't have been mortgagable. We later met many local people who'd seen it and said that it was too much work for them - though it was affordable.
Over the years we've replaced all the plumbing and electrics, the solid floor on the ground floor which had been laid on bare earth, replaced the doors, bathroom, windows, kitchen and main roof. In fact the only original parts are the walls, and they've been damp proofed and completely replastered.
The locals seem to want only new-builds or bungalows and there were 42 properties for sale in the small local area last year, of which only 2 have sold.
There is no local work down there other than in shops or tourism and kids can't wait to leave.

Thank you for understanding what I was trying to say, unlike the other poster who still managed to turn it into a negative.

I can't believe the amount of people that think the OP is in the wrong lol. So I'd advise just invite them if you're going to be there, like at Xmas. And tell them they need to contribute. But of course you are fine if you don't do that as well, since they think it's ok to harangue you about the subject. I tend to ignore and limit contact with people like that so.....

Delighted to read you have finally found your anger.
Your husband is correct.
Your family are mean, ungracious, users.
It is absolutely extraordinarily ignorant and ill mannered, to visit someone with your hands hanging.
To do so for two weeks is frankly nearly unbelievable.

There is no one in my life, which is full of lovely people, that I would want visiting for two weeks, not even family.

They are cheap and nasty and have completely taken advantage of your generosity.
I think seeing a lot less of them is a good idea.

"Family at any cost, is a bad place to put yourself".

As you grow older you will be mostly interested in your own children and their families.

Lock that house down and don't be used again.

I think you read as extremely loving and kind woman, and your husband has probably struggled with seeing you both so used.

No more!

Perhaps OP has parents like mine. Yes they would have gone through everything. That is why I never left them alone in my house. No everyone has great relations.

Why is it selfish because she won't let some cf liberty takers use their second home ,it's there's they can do wtf they like with it. If I was in their position I certainly wouldn't let them or anyone in it. Trouble is doing "favours" always bites you on the arse!
There is a saying 'no good deed goes un punished"
"Eaten bread is soon forgotten "

So you'd still need a load of money to be able to do up this cheap house, which is likely to be why the locals weren't snapping it up. How very entitled of them to want to live somewhere in a decent state of repair!

I do hope you eventually sell your imaginary house back to a local person at an affordable price. Even if it means you make a massive loss you'll be left with a lovely warm feeling.

To me this kind of thinking is typical of a selfish attitude:

"Trouble is doing "favours" always bites you on the arse!"
"There is a saying 'no good deed goes un punished"

It implies that avoiding personal inconvenience is more important than being generous to others.
That's just not my outlook.

it absolutely can!

To me its an attitude learned from experience! Do you not read the posts on MN?