Family upset we will not let them use our second home

[Dogsintheforest]

We bought a second home at the end of last year with a longer term plan of living there full time, but for now using it whenever we have the chance. It’s in a picturesque and popular place to visit.

Since we have bought it we have had family asking if they can use it for holidays. We laughed it off at first but they have continued to ask more in the last few weeks due to school holidays and nice weather. We have said no because we don’t know when we will be using it and want to be able to decide at short notice to go there. We also want to leave clothes and personal items there, we like our privacy and although we aren’t there full time it is our home.

These family members are very put out. Every time we see them they’re bringing it up directly, or being sarcastic saying things like, ‘are you sure you can spare it, we know you don’t like to share things’ when I offered them a slice of cake. Apparently if they had another home in a place like we have, they would let everyone use it and they can’t imagine not wanting to share.

In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t told them, but we have. We are now avoiding seeing them because we can’t be bothered with their comments but i liked seeing them before this happened so don’t want to lose these relationships.

I’m mainly curious if everyone who thinks OP should let their family use the property, also thinks OP’s main residence should be offered out to family when they’re at the second home. And if not, why not? OP has made it clear they’re planning a flexible lifestyle where they live between the two properties, so following the logic they should also offer out their original house too?

OP personally, it sounds like the family have got a little too used to the freebies and feel entitled to a limitless amount more. You’d be opening yourself up to the next row about how uncle Y got to spend more time there than auntie X etc. Then there will be the complaints about things that weren’t perfect. You’re within your right to draw a line at sharing your homes. If that means taking a step back from a family without boundaries, so be it.

Also, I don’t see anything wrong with wanting, or even expecting to be able to afford a home in the community I grew up in. Yes, it’s beautiful and scenic - so what? How is that relevant? It’s not the reason I want to be here. The real reason I want to stay here is it’s because it’s my home. My family, my memories, my history are here. Plenty of people I grew up with chose to leave, plenty want to stay. Why is it a bad thing to want to stay where you grew up? The scenery is irrelevant.

The scenery is relevant because, even if second home ownership was banned, it still adds a premium to house prices. You'd still have "incomers" as competition for desirable properties.

I couldn't have bought in the area I grew up - not because of second home owners (Midlands suburbia), but because it was a very desirable area, and the kind of money you earn in your first couple of jobs would never have stretched to the mortgage. I had to compromise, as millions of FTBs do.

Is it a long-term plan not to let others use it? Or are you feeling overwhelmed at the moment as it’s quite new and you’re not in routine. Obviously it shouldn’t be a free for all and it is very rude of others to remark like this. However, it seems like a nice thing to do, to get your usage established and then say to the family “right, it’s free here and here, me know if anyone wants to visit.” But they shouldn’t be pressurising you like this - it’s just rude.

I don't know why you insist on being so rude to me.

I write "I INVITE people and leave them my keys"
you translate with It’s manners to assume you don’t intrude (especially in their absence) 😂OK then., who's assuming what?

We have plenty of room in our primary property.
you did make me laugh with that 😂
My friends and family are welcome in my "primary" property and holiday home and vice-versa.

Unlike you ,I am not here for an argument so I leave you to twist again whatever I say, enjoy your primary property

Well, yes….this is the bigger picture. We have a housing crisis.

Your behaviour on this thread has been awful.

You have tried to project an image that you’re so nice because you would share your house, just like you are continuing to try to project that nice image by wishing OP all the best despite your attacks. Your behaviour/comments on this thread do not match the image you have tried to project. People can easily see through it. 👀

I do understand. That's the point. What I don't understand is that someone would choose to be that selfish.

That's a whole other thread though. OP not letting her family use her holiday home won't stop it being a holiday home.

I wouldn’t let them use it either OP. We have a second home that we did let family use. They took the piss, ruined sofas, damaged our kitchen, didn’t clean anything because we had a cleaner. So disrespectful to us and our cleaner. Never again!

Again, there were no attacks, simply a difference of opinion on OP's choices and behaviour with regard to this particular issue with her family.

Disagreeing with someone's behaviour is not an attack. We were invited to discuss the issue.

Selfish is the go to insult for entitled, freeloading, cheeky fuckers. I'm glad you've found your anger. When people are accustomed to you always saying yes and being generous they simply struggle to imagine you have any boundaries at all. Stick to your guns, you bought a home not a time share.

My sister has owned a holiday home in another country for about 25 years. I don't know if she'd let me stay there because it's never occured to me to demand access to her house. I don't think she's selfish or tight for not offering.

Agree with this it's your own personal choice.

Maybe ask the family members if they would alow you to use there home for a holiday.

This is my experience too, and it’s been horrible to see the effects on my small seaside town.

If I had a second home I would be happy to let most of my family/friends use it.

Really? If I applied that, we would be talking about 40 people! I have lots of friends and a big family. Or are you just thinking siblings and parents.
Twice we lent out somewhere to my niece, second time to her and 3 uni friends. Never again. She texted me after the second time saying she had sent me a Cowshed gift box as thanks.

I thought oh good, that makes things a bit better. I waited and waited, it was embarrassing but I eventually contacted her and said... look, nothing has arrived, I feel you ought to know this if you have paid for a gift box for me.

Never heard another word! And no gift box.

@Jane143”I’d be annoyed too if there was an empty home in the family just sitting there empty.”

It’s not “in the family,” ffs! That implies that it’s somehow a shared investment. IT BELONGS TO THE OP.
Nor is it “sitting there empty.“ The OP and her immediate family use it most weeks (if the next available full week no one will be there is in November).
Blimey, the entitled attitudes that are seeping out of posters are quite jaw-dropping.

I mean it’s really not the same thing is it

I think it is plain and simple... envy

The thing is, it was local people who originally sold the properties to outsiders. They could have sold them or rented them to local people at prices they could afford but chose not to.

There are a similar number of people in our family. If any of them asked and it was free as I wasn’t using it I can’t imagine saying no or having any reason to do so, (except in the case of the incontinent dog owners in which case I would say yes, but not with the Dog).

This isn’t unusual. In fact I’ve just come back from a lovely week in Cornwall staying in a house that belongs to the parents of my sister in law (married to my brother) who very generously let us have it for the cost of the cleaning and £50 to cover bills and laundry (which we left them-they didn’t ask for-and we barely know them).

But we aren’t all the same and the op isn’t happy with that which is her own prerogative so she just needs to tell them no, and that’s that.

Good point. In the family, FFS. The way people twist things and word things to get something they want is astonishing but quite funny.

Do you think that an ftb will be able to afford this and find work there?

That’s ridiculous!!! Usually you have to sell / let your house to whomever comes to take it off your hands. You can’t sit and wait around for another local or a person who promises they will come and live there.

The thing is - this is a totally moot point as it’s a completely untenable argument. When you say they ‘could’ have sold or rented the houses to local people - how could they? How does this work on a practical level? Should potential buyers provide proof of address when they’re placing a bid on a house? Then be labelled discriminatory for doing this? Seriously, how do you think this would even work?

I’m not arguing against people buying a holiday let, using it themselves for periods of time and then renting it for periods of time to try and ensure the house is largely occupied. This also means money is coming into the local economy. It’s those people who buy a second home and use it minimally throughout the year - and I’m talking 4-5 weeks of the year which is not uncommon where I’m from - because they don’t want to ‘share’ their space - like the OP. They are the bulk of the problem.

I mentioned this way upthread, MagpiePi, but at least you got an answer - even if it makes little sense about sellers "having to hang around waiting" (why would they need to if the property's so desirable?)

I suspect it really boils down to vendors hoping they can get a better price from "outsiders" and putting that before all else; another personal choice which they're fully entitled to make, but apparently not one which attracts the same disdain

I find the posters on here who think OP is being mean and selfish the baffling ones. Do you keep an open house for anyone you know who wants to use your home when you are away on holiday? The fact it’s your only home is irrelevant as the issue is the same.